The Mascot (44 page)

The morning of my departure arrived. I didn't know how long it would be until I saw my father again, and I wanted to make a gesture of conciliation. I found him seated at the kitchen table, browsing the morning paper, as was his habit.

“Dad,” I said.

He looked up.

“Fancy a visit to Williamstown?”

“For what?”

I shrugged awkwardly, shifting from foot to foot as if I were an ungainly teenager. “Coffee, perhaps,” I said. “Or lunch, or an ice cream. A strawberry one, even.”

For the first time in a long while he smiled. It was at my mention of strawberry ice cream. He was silent for several moments, thinking over my offer.

“Okay, son,” he said finally.

Later that morning we found ourselves sitting on the same bench I'd sat on with my mother six years earlier. It had been the morning after she'd seen the videotape of my father's interview and finally knew what had been bothering her husband so much.

Once again, the dinghies moored just offshore bobbed in the light breeze, the occasional ring of one of their bells punctuating the silence between me and my father.

For some time I'd wondered whether the search we had undertaken had brought us enough proof that the past had actually unfolded as my father had claimed—and the doubters be damned. Still, many questions remained unanswered, and I wondered if a resolution would ever be found. I worried that I'd misjudged the heavy toll memory would take on my father.

“Has this been worth it?” I asked.

“What would make it worth it? Who knows? I have a name.” My father shrugged. “And the film clip as well. Now that your mother's gone,” he added gloomily, “I ask myself that question every day.”

He began to shake his head. “But the truth is, my story is all that I have now…”

My father paused before he continued.

“From that single moment when I opened my eyes and chose to live—without knowing clearly what that even meant—and stepped outside into the darkness, my life took an unimaginable turn. And look where I've ended up sixty years on. The other side of the world!”

My father rose and headed for the shore; for several minutes he watched a black swan walking on the beach. Then he returned to where I'd remained seated and stood in front of me, obscuring the sunlight and my view of the bay.

“I don't know what I lost,” he said, without prompting. “How can you know the life you didn't live? I took the chance to survive and I've never railed against that. This is just the way that life turned out for me. Any number of times I could've been exposed or even let myself be discovered, but I made my survival into a companion, and it has stayed by my side all throughout my life.”

“Would it have been better if you'd never spoken of the past?” I pressed my father.

“I honestly don't know, son,” he said slowly. “Even after sixty years, it unsettled me in a way that I could never have imagined. I thought I was in charge of my life but it wasn't so. How I survived even now dictates my life, and all I can do is follow at a safe distance, chained to it. It's as if there are two persons in my body. There is the Alex everybody knows and there's another Alex who was a secret. They'll have to learn to accommodate each other again.”

So I had my answers to questions I had harbored since that day at the Café Daquise in London, when my father had suddenly become a stranger to me.

There was no resolution, no absolution, no closure, no moving on, no getting over it, no pop-psychology solution. Only an accommodation of the past. My father had somehow known this all along.

I realized that I, too, had to find a way of living, comfortably or not, with this, my legacy.

T
his journey has been a long and difficult one. Without the support, advice, assistance, and, above all, the friendship of many, my father and I may not have reached this point.

Sarah Blair has supported me enormously throughout the writing of the book—typing and proofreading—and offering general advice and encouragement. I am deeply grateful to Sarah, and also to Jane Enright, who was similarly unstinting in her help. Thanks also to Luke Mason, who also pitched in with valued work on the manuscript early on in the process.

Robert Guinsler, my agent, has been very generous with his time. His sound advice and good humor have kept my spirits up during the darker moments of writing this book. The commitment of the editorial team at Penguin, in particular Hilary Redmon, was thorough and solid and always very reassuring. I am also especially grateful to Bernard Nyman for protecting the integrity of my work.

At the outset, I had little knowledge of the time and space of the world in which my father lived and moved. I listened to the stories and anecdotes of many who did share his world and my gratitude to them is immense—I am humbled by their lives. The research of countless historians also informed my general understanding of Europe at that time. Special note must be made of the scholarship of Professor Andrew Ezergailis in his book
The Holocaust in Latvia
, which later helped me piece together some of the movements and identities of Latvian troops.

During the actual journeys to Belarus and Latvia I received invaluable support from many individuals and organizations. In particular I want to acknowledge the support of the Jewish World Congress, London; Frank and Galina Swartz of the East European Jewish Heritage Project in Minsk, who became generous friends and hosts to my mother and father during our time there; Frida Reizman from the Gilf Society in Belarus; the Latvia State Archive for Audiovisual Document in Riga; and Ryuta Akamatsu of Telesis Ltd, Japan.

In a project such as this, with its inevitably disheartening setbacks and periods of isolation, it was frequently the face of a friend and a kind word now and then or a laugh that made a world of difference. There are many dear people who did so for me: Gro Ween, wonderful Daphne Lennie, kind and generous Audrey and Michael Phillips, Jeffery Lies, Rachel Moseley and John Turner, Uma Bhattacharya, Jane Enright, Alan Russell, Lee Parsons, and Gordon Hickson. Distant friends, too, seemed close at hand and ever present in their support: dear Anne Rahilly, Janet Westwood, Peter Westwood, Lisa Reichenbach, Irene Kuijpers, William J. Holmes, Margaret Chu, Maria Norris, and Mary Ida Bagus and family.

And then there is Sim Tan, a great friend who lightened my load considerably.

Special thanks to Eiko and Takaaki (deceased) Hosokawa for their considerable support and friendship during the past years and, similarly, the three branches of my family spread around the globe—the Kurzems in Australia, the Galperin family in Belarus, and the Krupitsky family in the United States.

Other kinds of help and care bestowed on me must be acknowledged. Thanks to Helen Beer for her information on Yiddish culture and to Heathcote Williams, a man of erudition and immense talent who took a strong interest in my father's story, and his partner, Diana, who opened her home to me.

Mention must also be made of every staff member at the Oxford Eye Hospital where I received excellent and compassionate care from all quarters as they struggled to save my eyesight. They did! In particular, I wish to thank Miss Susan Downes, Mr. Paul Rosen, and Mr. John Salmon and their respective teams for holding back that dark prospect.

There are only two people remaining to thank. First, my very dear friend Alastair Phillips, who has shown faith in my ability to tell this story, even when I faltered. His support, encouragement, compassion, and care have greatly guided me.

And then last, but of course not least, there is my father, who entrusted me with his voice.

Acland Street (Melbourne, Australia).
See also
Café Scheherazade

affidavit, Alex's

Aizum, Captain (German soldier)

Altona.
See
Australia

apple tree

Alex's dreams about

and Alex's escape from Koidanov

and Koidanov visit

Arajs Kommando

atlas search, Alex's

Auschwitz

Australia

Alex's allegiance to

Alex's arrival in

Alex's early years in

Alex's views about

Dzenis family in

German influence in

as Kurzem family home

as land of refuge

Latvian community in

Uncle's views about

war criminals in

bearded man.
See also
Katz, Volodya

Belarus

Alex's views about

Himmler's desire to eradicate Jews in

Kurzem trip to

map of

overview of

preparations for trip to

See also
Koidanov; Slonim massacre; Stolbtsi

black market

black soldiers, Alex sees first American

Blackwell's (Oxford, England)

Bodleian Library (Oxford, England)

Bolsheviks

break-in, at Alex's home

burning building

and Alex's affidavit for Lobe

Alex's nightmares about

and Daugavas's photographs

and Latvian soldiers' massacre of Jews

and Slonim massacre

See also
synagogue

Café Daquise (London, England)

Café Scheherazade (Melbourne, Australia), meeting at

Carnikava (Baltic coast)

Alex at

Alex's feelings about

Dzenis house at

Dzenis “treasure” in

elderly man in

film of Alex in

Kurzem visit to

research about

case, Alex's

and Alex's reasons for not speaking

and Alex's secretiveness

and Alex's trip to Oxford

and Carnikava visit

as curse

as gift from Uncle

identity papers in

items about escape from Riga in

Kulis's letter in

and Lobe's letter to Alex

and Mark and Alex's relationship

Mark's feelings about

as Mark's inheritance

newspaper in

as Pandora's box

photographs in

as protector and precious possession

and Riga Orphan's Court documents

and Smits's articles

and threats against Alex

and verification of Alex's story

and videotape of Alex with Holocaust survivors

chess, played by Smits and Alex

chocolate factory.
See
Dzenis family; Laima Chocolates

cigarettes, Alex's first

circumcision

circus, Alex with

Claims Conference (New York City)

complicity with Nazis

Dachau

Daphne (Mark's neighbor)

Daugavas (Australian man)

Dirk (Alex's friend)

displaced-persons camp.
See
Saules camp (Geesthacht, Germany)

Dresden, Germany, and escape from Riga

Dzenis, Ausma

Dzenis, Emily “Auntie”

and Alex as Jewish

and Alex's affidavit for Lobe

and Alex's education

Alex's feelings/views about

Alex's first meeting with

Alex's memories of

and Alex's nightmares

Alex's outings with

and Alex's return to Lobe's command

and Alex's uniforms

in Australia

in Carnikava

and Carnikava “treasure,”

death of

and escape from Riga

knowledge of Alex's Jewish background

and Kurzems' Carnikava visit

and Lobe's letter to Alex

and Mark's answered questions

Mark's feeling about

at Saules camp

Dzenis, Jekabs “Uncle”

and affidavit for Lobe

Alex as first meeting

and Alex as son of cousin

Alex as ward of

Alex's case as gift from

Alex's debt to

and Alex's disgrace on Russian front

Alex's early days with

and Alex's education

Alex's feelings/views about

and Alex's knowledge about Lobe

Alex's memories of

Alex's relationship with

and Alex's SS activities

and Alex's uniforms

in Australia

and Carnikava filming

Carnikava “treasure” of

chocolate factory activities of

death of

and escape from Riga

and finding of Alex in forest

knowledge of Alex's background

as Lacplesis member

as leader of refugees

and Lobe investigation

and Lobe's letter to Alex

Lobe's relationship with

Mark's feelings/views about

and Mark's unanswered questions

Dzenis, Jekabs “Uncle”

and massacres by Kurzeme Battalion

photograph of

and reasons for Alex's silence

research on

role in Mark's life of

at Saules camp

Dzenis, Mirdza

Alex as leaving videotape with

Alex's relationship with

Alex's reluctance to tell story to

Alex's visit with

in Australia

daughter of

death of

and Dzenises' escape from Riga

knowledge of Alex's Jewishness

and Latvia visit

and Mark's unanswered questions

at Saules camp

Dzenis, Zirdra

Dzenis family

Alex as first meeting

Alex as ward of

Alex's feelings about

in Australia

Carnikava house of

escape from Riga of

German soldiers at home of

knowledge of Alex's Jewishness

Lobe sends Alex back to

Riga home of

See also specific family members

Dzerzhinsk (Belarus village).
See
Koidanov

Dzintari, Latvia, filming at

Eglajs, Mr. (lawyer)

Eglits, Miss (tutor)

Einsatzgruppen units

elderly man, in Carnikava

Elli (Israeli woman)

Essen, Germany, and escape from Riga

Ezergailis, Andrew

false-memory syndrome

Final Solution

forest, Belarus

Alex as finding woman in

Alex's wanderings in

Alex with Latvian soldiers in

bodies found in

effects on Alex of wanderings in

Lobe's version of Alex in

massacre in

old woman and son in

and skepticism about Alex's story

soldiers' finding of Alex in

Fragments
(Wilkomirski)

Frank (genealogist)

Galina (interpreter)

Galperin (Alex's brother)

and Alex with Dzenis family

and Alex's earliest memories

Alex's memories of

and Galperin house

and Koidanov massacre

and Mark's concerns about Alex

and research on Alex's story

Volodya and Anya's memories of

Galperin (Alex's sister)

Alex's earliest memories of

and Alex with Dzenis family

and Galperin house

and Koidanov massacre

and Mark's concerns about Alex