The Marriage Mender (28 page)

I wiped the tears away and turned round to face Chris, who was standing in front of the Aga.

‘Is it too long?’ he asked.

‘No,’ I said. ‘It’s perfect.’

‘Good. Then press “send” for me, please, before I chicken out.’

* * *

Tania smiled at us as we entered her room. She also raised her eyebrows slightly as Chris strode in and sat down, pulling up the sleeves of his jumper as he did so.

‘So,’ she said, ‘how are we today?’

‘We’re good,’ Chris said. ‘We’re fighting.’

‘Not fighting each other, I hope?’

‘No,’ said Chris with a smile. ‘I mean, I’m fighting. And I think I’m finally on the same team as Ali.’

‘Well, I’m bloody glad to hear it,’ she said. ‘What brought this on?’

‘A few home truths from Jayne, my birth mother.’

‘You see,’ said Tania, turning to me, ‘we go to all this trouble with our training and qualifications when all they actually need is a kick up the arse from their mum.’

I smiled at her. Chris smiled too.

‘I’ve emailed Josh,’ he said. ‘Told him everything. Particularly how screwed up I was with the whole identity thing.’

‘Do you think he’ll come home?’

‘I don’t know. That’s up to him. But at least he knows I care now.’

‘And what about your birth mother? Are you going to see her again?’

‘Yeah, I am. We’ve invited her round for Josh’s birthday.’

Tania raised an eyebrow.

‘Matilda wanted to do it,’ I said. ‘We think it’s important for her that we mark it, rather than pretending none of us are thinking about it.’

‘Are you sure you’re up to it?’

‘Yeah,’ said Chris. ‘I mean, it’ll be tough and everything, but I’m going to be there this time. I’m not going to leave Ali to deal with it on her own.’

Tania turned to look at me. ‘Is that what you wanted to hear?’

I nodded.

‘Good. And what about the two of you? What happens now?’

‘We struggle on together,’ I said, ‘just like everyone else.’

‘No happy-ever-after glitter dust?’

‘No,’ I said. ‘Just a bit more talking. A bit more understanding.’

‘A bit more sex, hopefully,’ said Chris.

I smiled at him and shook my head.

‘That’s what I like to hear,’ said Tania. ‘Someone being embarrassingly honest in the counselling room. So what do you think is the best way forward now?’

‘We go away and work at it,’ said Chris. ‘Ali knows someone I can go and see to talk through all my stuff.’

‘And you’re prepared to do that?’

‘Yeah. We’re going to start looking around at houses too. We’re not going to put ours on the market just yet, we’re not sure it’s the right timing for Tilda, but maybe next year, when things have settled down a bit.’

‘And do you promise to love and cherish this woman and tell her all the stuff that’s going on inside your head, even when it’s dark and scary?’

‘I do,’ said Chris.

‘And do you promise to love and cherish this man and take your mind off everybody else’s problems long enough to remind yourself what a top catch you are?’

‘I do,’ I said with a smile.

‘Marvellous. I’m very happy to pronounce you in a better state now than when you first arrived. You may kiss your spouse.’

I turned to smile at Chris. He got up, walked over and kissed me on the lips right in front of Tania.

‘Thank you both very much,’ she said. ‘If you do wish to come and see me again at any point, I’ll be here for you. In the meantime, please bugger off so I can help the poor sods who are quaking in their boots in the waiting room out there, having no idea what they are letting themselves in for.’

Chris shook Tania’s hand and thanked her warmly. I gave her a hug, unable to manage any words.

‘Now go,’ she said, shooing us away, ‘before you make my mascara run.’

I followed Chris out of the door. The couple in the waiting room were younger than us. I recognised the expressions on their faces. I smiled at them as we walked past.

‘She’s good,’ I said to them. ‘A bit off the wall, but good. You’re in very safe hands.’

I woke up. The realisation of what day it was and who wasn’t there to celebrate it crushed me the instant I opened my eyes. One year ago, I would never have imagined how an empty room in the house could make so much noise. But then, one year ago I didn’t know a lot of things.

It was a bright morning outside. The sun was already forcing its way through the curtains. I turned to look at Chris. I hadn’t realised until that point that he was awake too.

‘Did you get any sleep?’ I asked.

‘Not much.’

‘It doesn’t feel right, does it? Without him.’

Chris shook his head. ‘Do you think it ever will?’

‘I don’t know. I remember reading an interview with a woman whose son had been murdered. She said it was still
the first thing she thought about when she woke up and the last thing she thought about at night. But that, in between, there were sometimes periods when she’d go for a few hours without thinking about it.’

‘I know it sounds awful,’ said Chris, ‘but at least, if you know what’s happened, you can mourn. This not knowing, it’s horrible.’

‘He would never have –’

‘No, I know. I’m sure of that too. Well, as sure as I can be, anyway.’

‘Where do you think he is?’

I’d never asked the question before. Nor had Chris, although I suspected he thought about it as much as I did.

‘A big city somewhere, I guess. One that he can lose himself in.’

‘That’s what Jayne did,’ I said. ‘After she left you. She got on a train to Leeds.’

Chris was quiet. Maybe I shouldn’t have mentioned it. I eased my body closer to his, wrapped my arm around his chest.

‘It’s weird, isn’t it?’ said Chris. ‘That both of them ran away from home when they were sixteen. Both because of me.’

‘Both because they loved you,’ I said, rubbing my hand up and down his arm.

‘I guess that’s one way of looking at it.’

‘It’s the only way.’

Chris kissed me on the shoulder. ‘Thank you,’ he said.

‘What for?’

‘Being bloody brilliant and putting up with me.’

‘You’ve been through an incredibly tough time.’

‘Yeah, and so have you. But no one’s been there for you, have they?’

‘They are now, though,’ I said. ‘That’s what matters.’

He kissed me again. On the lips this time. ‘So how are we going to do this?’

‘We’re going to get up and deal with it together and simply get through the day the best we can.’

We were interrupted by the sound of Matilda bursting out of her bedroom. She didn’t run straight into our room, as she usually did. It was another door that we heard opening and shutting first, before a small, forlorn face appeared in our room, looking much as it would do if Santa hadn’t come in the night.

‘Come here, sweetheart,’ I said.

She climbed onto the bed and buried herself tightly between our bodies.

‘Wherever he is,’ I told her, ‘he’s thinking of us right now. And he knows that we love him very much.’

‘So why isn’t he here?’ she sobbed.

‘Maybe there’s some place else he needs to be right now,’ I said. ‘But the important thing is that we’re here for him. And we’ll save his presents, just like we said.’

‘Are we still going to have a party tea?’ she asked.

‘Yes, love.’

‘And can we still eat his birthday cake?’

‘Of course,’ I said with a smile.

‘We’ll save one slice for Josh, though, won’t we?’

I looked at Chris.

‘Tell you what,’ he said to Matilda, ‘we’ll save two. Because you know what he’s like, nicking things off your plate.’

Matilda smiled through the tears.

It was the best we could hope for.

* * *

The one good thing about the post coming later these days was that it avoided the crushing disappointment of there not being many cards on the mat on the morning of your birthday. Or, in our case, of being confronted with greetings for someone who wasn’t there before we’d even got down the stairs.

The emptiness of the house wasn’t so easy to escape from, though. We put the radio on, Matilda chatted away as usual, I even made a cooked breakfast in the hope it would distract from the quietness. It didn’t really work, though. Especially as Matilda mentioned how much Josh loved hash browns within a few minutes of sitting down.

We waited until after breakfast to tell her. Chris had been adamant that he would do it. I still wanted to be there, though. Not being sure how she would react.

‘It’s not just Grandma and Caitlin coming this afternoon,’ said Chris. ‘We’ve invited someone new for you to meet.’

‘Who?’ asked Matilda.

Chris looked at me. I nodded.

‘Although Grandma brought me up, she didn’t actually
give birth to me,’ Chris said. ‘She and Grandad adopted me when I was a baby.’

Matilda frowned at him. ‘Does that mean she’s not my real grandma?’

‘She is your grandma,’ said Chris. ‘And she’s still my mum. But what it means is that you’ve got another grandma. Grandma Jayne.’

‘Why haven’t I ever met her before?’

‘Because I’ve only just met her. She didn’t know where I was, and I didn’t know where she was. Only Mummy found her again.’

‘Why did she have you adopted?’

‘Because she couldn’t look after me on her own, love. She was very young and didn’t have her family around to support her.’

‘Why not?’

‘Her family wasn’t very nice, love. So she moved away. She’s got her own family now.’

‘Are they coming too?’

‘Her husband Bob is. Her daughter lives in Australia.’

‘Is Bob my grandad?’

‘No, love. She met him after she had me,’ Chris continued. ‘He’s not my dad.’

Matilda was starting to look confused. Which was hardly surprising, given the circumstances.

‘They’re lovely, sweetheart,’ I said, ‘and they’ll make a great big fuss of you. You’re very special to them, OK?’

She nodded. ‘Is Grandma Jayne Josh’s grandma too?’

‘Yes,’ I said.

‘Good. I’ll get to meet her first. Do you think she’ll bring presents?’

* * *

Caitlin arrived first. It was odd seeing her without her violin. Difficult, too. Because nobody could pretend she was here for any other reason than for Josh’s birthday.

‘Hello, love,’ I said, as she stepped into the hall.

I went to kiss her on the cheek but, before I could, she threw her arms around me and burst into tears. Chris took Matilda, who had been hovering behind me, into the kitchen and closed the door.

‘I’m sorry,’ she said when she eventually looked up. ‘I was so determined not to do that.’

‘It’s OK. We’ve all had a go already this morning. It’s your turn.’

She managed a hint of a smile.

‘Do you want to go upstairs?’

She nodded, slipped her boots off and followed me silently up to Josh’s bedroom. We sat on the end of his bed, Caitlin clutching the duvet with one hand.

‘I’ve still got his T-shirt,’ she said. ‘The one you gave me. Sometimes I think I can still smell him on it, though maybe that’s just my imagination.’

‘It doesn’t matter which it is,’ I said. ‘As long as you’ve got him in some small way.’

‘I really hoped –’

‘I know,’ I said. ‘I did too.’

‘The thing is, if he hasn’t come home for his birthday, what is he going to come home for?’

‘For us. Probably for you, mainly.’

Caitlin shrugged and wiped her eyes.

‘You know we’d understand –’

‘Please don’t,’ she said. ‘That’s all I get from Mum.’

‘She probably just wants you to be happy,’ I said. ‘You so deserve that.’

‘I will be,’ she said. ‘When he comes home.’

* * *

Barbara looked old when she arrived. It was the first time it had really hit me, how much of a toll this had taken on her. She might still be the rock of the family. But the fact was, she was made of something soft. And she was crumbling underneath.

‘Ooh, it’s blowy out there today,’ she said as she wiped her eyes.

She’d only come from Chris’s car. I knew she didn’t want me to say anything, though. I gave her a hug, feeling the slightness of her frame beneath her jacket.

‘Are they here yet?’ she asked.

‘No, just Caitlin. Are you sure this is OK? It’s a lot to ask, I know.’

‘It’s the right thing for Chris,’ she said, squeezing my hand. ‘So it’s fine by me.’

She went through to the lounge. Matilda ran up and hugged her. Caitlin stood up and gave her a kiss. It was like a wartime scene. Different generations of women left at home, mourning the young men who were missing.

Barbara went to put her present with the pile of others, which were arranged in the corner, as if underneath an
invisible birthday tree. Chris came in behind me. I squeezed his hand. It felt like someone should say something, read a poem, or reminisce about Josh’s early years. No one said a word, though. Because we couldn’t mourn. Only miss. And there weren’t really words for that.

I went to put the kettle on. Barbara started chatting about the weather. Matilda showed Caitlin a drawing she had done at school. Life went on, the best it could. It was all we could do.

It was about ten minutes later that there was a knock on the front door. It was daft, really. We were all expecting someone, and yet I knew we were all thinking exactly the same thing. I looked out of the window. Jayne and Bob’s car was parked further along the lane.

‘They’re here,’ I said. Just to make it clear who it wasn’t.

Matilda followed Chris and me into the hall. She was holding my hand rather more tightly than usual. Chris opened the door. Jayne and Bob stood there, looking for all the world as if they had stumbled on some kind of gingerbread house in the woods and wanted to see if it was actually real.

‘Hello,’ Chris said, ‘good to see you again.’ He kissed Jayne on the cheek.

She grabbed hold of his forearms and smiled a lot. She didn’t seem to want to let go. And then she caught sight of Matilda and let out a gasp.

‘Matilda,’ I said, ‘this is your Grandma Jayne.’

Matilda went forward of her own accord. Jayne bent down and put her arms around her. She shut her eyes and
held her for a very long time. When she did open them again, they were wet with tears.

‘Josh isn’t here, but we’re still having a party tea,’ Matilda told her.

‘Well, that sounds lovely. Is it OK if we join you?’

Matilda nodded.

‘And this is Grandma Jayne’s husband, Bob,’ I said.

Bob stepped forward and shook her hand.

‘I know you’re not my real grandad,’ said Matilda, ‘but do you mind if I call you Grandad Bob? Because it’s easier, and I haven’t got any grandads at all.’

‘That would be lovely,’ Bob said.

I took their coats. I could see Jayne checking her face in the mirror.

‘Barbara’s really looking forward to meeting you,’ I said to her.

She nodded. I wasn’t sure if she was actually capable of speech yet.

Matilda led them through to the lounge.

Barbara stood up.

‘Grandma, meet Grandma Jayne,’ Matilda announced.

They looked at each other for a second, perhaps recognising the differences first before they both saw through them to the thing they shared.

Jayne stepped forward, and I could see her hands shaking. A moment or two later those same hands were around Barbara’s back. Holding her, squeezing her tight.

I gestured to Caitlin to take Matilda out of the room. She nodded, took her hand and asked if she could go and
have a look at her bedroom. They left the room. I wasn’t sure what emotions would come out here, but I wanted to make sure they were free to say anything which needed to be said. I took hold of Chris’s hand, struggling to imagine how weird this must be for him.

‘Thank you,’ Jayne said, in little more than a whisper. ‘For looking after him for me.’

‘He was your gift to us,’ said Barbara. ‘I should be thanking you.’

They looked at each other, smiled and hugged again.

‘I used to dream he’d be looked after by someone like you,’ Jayne said. ‘That he’d grow up with two parents who would dote on him.’

‘Oh, we doted on him all right,’ said Barbara. ‘Didn’t spoil him, mind. That’s not a nice thing to do to a child.’

‘Well, he’s turned out lovely,’ said Jayne, turning to grasp Chris’s hand. ‘Absolutely lovely.’

Chris was pulled into a group hug.

I smiled at Bob. ‘Tea or coffee for Jayne?’ I whispered.

‘Tea please,’ he said as he followed me through to the kitchen. ‘She doesn’t want Barbara to think she’s trying to replace her,’ he said.

‘I know,’ I replied, ‘and she doesn’t. She thinks it’s good for Chris. And if it’s good for Chris, then she’s happy. She’s like any mum, really.’

Bob nodded. ‘I’ve booked flights to Australia,’ he said. ‘For February. For both of us.’

I turned and stared at him. ‘But I thought –’

Bob shook his head. ‘I went on one of those fear of
flying courses you mentioned,’ he said. ‘I suppose I realised that, however scared I was, it couldn’t compare with how scared Jayne must have been when she gave birth on her own like that.’

I gave him a little hug. ‘That’s brilliant. Well done you.’

‘Daft thing was, I actually quite enjoyed it in the end, when we went up on our little flight.’

‘Australia’s a bit further than that, mind,’ I said with a smile.

‘Oh aye, but I’ll have Jayne with me, won’t I? And we’ll be going to see our grandchild.’

‘Have you told Cassie about Chris?’

‘Yep. She’s made up about it, having a brother and being an auntie and that. Says there’s an open invitation to you all to come over.’

‘That’s lovely. We’ll give her a chance to settle down with the baby first, though.’

‘Yes. And maybe your Josh will be back by then.’

I smiled at him and nodded.

We went back through to the lounge. Barbara was showing Jayne the photo albums she’d brought full of snaps of Chris’s childhood. They were taking it in turn to ooh and aahh over how curly his hair was. Chris was sitting at the end of the sofa squirming ever so slightly and looking about sixteen. I imagined what Josh would say, if he were here. How he’d rib him about it. Maybe that was what Chris was thinking too.