The Marker (22 page)
The weight of his guilt didn’t bear down on him when he had her in his room, when he lost himself in Lexie. His brother’s ghost didn’t haunt him when he held Lexie in his arms. For the first time in a year, the specter of his brother didn’t shadow his every waking moment.
She loved him late into the night, but in the morning, he always woke alone. Night, which had been the time he tended to dwell on the mistakes he’d made, became his salvation.
Mornings became his nightmare. This house, this city, this time of year all reminded him of his failure as a human being, as a brother.
Soon, he thought of little else but having her stay with him in the master suite, of having her acknowledge this thing between them. As the weeks passed, and the reality of his brother’s death hit him harder and harder, he became obsessed with the idea of having her stay with him. He wanted to fall asleep with her beside him and wake beside her every morning. He wanted her body against his. He wanted to spend every moment with her.
He wanted Lexie to tell him she loved him.
Of course she’d say the words to him first. He’d been her first, and he knew how quickly women developed feelings when engaged in such intimacy. Once she told him, he would tell her he loved her in return, release her from her contract, and build a life with her.
He knew she held something back, that she had a secret she wasn’t telling him. He saw it in her face when she thought he wasn’t looking, sensed it when she lay in his arms after a night spent making love. Just as she must know he had his own secret shame. He’d caught her regarding him with cautious eyes, but she never asked, and he never told.
They’d become quite good at not talking about the emotions swimming in the space between them. She showed him she loved him in the way she touched him, in the way she made love to him, but she never said the words. He wondered if she ever would.
Lord, how he longed to hear her say those three little words. They wouldn’t take away the horror of his brother’s death, but if she loved him, it would be a sign his life was worth something, and his brother’s death hadn’t been wasted. Yet even as he found happiness in the passion he shared with Lexie, as the day marking the anniversary of his brother’s death approached, Nicholas sank deeper and deeper into a despair nothing truly assuaged.
He heard soft footsteps approaching him, but he didn’t look up. From the sound of the footfalls it had to be Lexie, the one bright spot in his life. He thought of those last good days before he found out about his brother’s death. Afterwards, he had become nothing but an empty shell of a man, searching out the next rush to temporarily lighten the shadow hanging over him. He reveled in his bad reputation. No decent woman would love a man like him, and he liked it that way, because then he wasn’t obligated to love his women in return.
Everything had changed the morning he went to claim his marker. His life had been forever altered the moment he met her standing in the doorway of her father’s ramshackle house, proud and beautiful in her faded red dress. In the days that followed, as he began his pursuit of Lexie, the shadow hanging over him had bright light spilling through it. He didn’t deserve her, didn’t deserve to find such happiness after what he had done, but he was too selfish to let her go.
Nicholas shook his head and threw back a shot of whiskey, not caring that it was nine-thirty in the morning. Lexie stopped in front of his desk, but he kept his eyes locked on the desk so he wouldn’t be forced to meet her gaze.
“What’s wrong, Nick?”
He glanced up, and the concern he heard in her voice was mirrored in her face. Should he tell her of his greatest shame, share the secret that had been his burden to bear alone for these long months? If she turned from him as his father had, if he saw the same loathing and disdain on Lexie’s beautiful features he had seen on the face of his father, he wouldn’t be able to bear it. He would shrivel up and disintegrate, become nothing but dust.
He wasn’t strong enough to let her go, but she deserved to know the truth about the man she had taken up with. Their relationship had quickly become more than a mere dalliance—and probably had been from the moment he’d met her.
He released a sigh. If she judged him, he would simply find a way to win her back. If he had one singular skill, it was wooing a woman. “My brother died a year ago today.”
Sorrow and pity he didn’t deserve wreathed her features. She sat down on the edge of his desk, taking his face into her small, calloused hand. Her hands should be soft like lilies, not rough like the hands of a servant. The thought brought another round of self-loathing. She was here with him because she was supposed to be
his
servant. Ashamed, he couldn’t bring himself to meet her eyes.
“I’m sorry,” she said. “You must have loved him very much.”
“I did. He was the best man I’ve ever known.”
“Like his brother, then.”
Nicholas gave a snort of wry laughter. “Hardly. I am but a pale imitation of my brother and, even on my best day, not worthy of such a comparison. I am the frivolous younger brother. Rob, though, he...” Nicholas trailed off, swallowing hard against the lump in his throat. Even then, his voice broke when he said, “He was the responsible one, the one who took care of everybody. He went to law school, did everything right. I’ve never met anyone who worked harder.”
Lexie gestured around her. “Look around you, Nick. You’ve worked hard, too.”
He closed his eyes against her argument. That she argued his merits with him brought another round of self-loathing. He didn’t deserve her esteem. “Not that hard. None of this is actually mine.”
“Your home in Sacramento is lovely. All that’s yours.”
He shook his head. “None of that matters, anyway. All I own is the result of my friendship with James Campbell. I met the man by chance, and he offered me the opportunity to invest in his shipping company, and the rest, as they say, is history. I was fortunate to have been born into a wealthy family, and Mother always favored me. So when I asked her for the money to invest, she gave it to me. I guess she thought if I made good investments, she’d make an honorable man out of me.”
Lexie smiled. “Maybe she did.”
“Hardly,” he replied, bitterness rising up like bile in the back of his throat and threatening to overtake him. “I’m reckless and frivolous and faithless. Rob was the good one, the one who always believed I’d turn myself around eventually.
He
lived an exemplary life, and wanted to give such a life to his wife and son.”
“I think you’re a good man,” she said, stroking his face. Despite his grief, lust bit at him hard, and it shamed him all the more.
He pulled her hands away from his face and placed a kiss in her palm. He didn’t deserve her. Maybe that was why, no matter what he did, a part of her remained closed off from him, as if separated by long miles of sea he couldn’t cross. Maybe he would never be able to bridge the distance between them, because someone like him wasn’t worthy of someone like her.
He wanted to be. More than anything, he wanted Lexie to trust him enough to give him her heart without reservation. He wanted to be the one man who got under Lexie’s skin and stayed there.
“You’re wrong, Lex, if you think I’m a good man. I’m not. I never have been, and I don’t make any attempt to hide who I am. You knew what I was when I brought you here. You weren’t mistaken in your assessment of me.”
“You’re a good man, Nick,” she said, crossing her arms and scowling, daring him to challenge her.
He barked a hollow laugh. “So many people would disagree with you. You know what I am? I’m a lucky man. I don’t work for much of anything—I lucked into my money much as I lucked into everything else.” He didn’t add:
Much as I lucked into you
. He had Lexie in his life because Lady Luck had decided to smile on him that night in the gambling hall. He had never had to work for anything in his entire life—everything had been handed to him.
“You’re here, aren’t you?” she demanded. “Aren’t you working on your company? An indolent man would never do what you’ve done. I’ve watched you with your investors. You may not think I’ve noticed, but I’ve seen how much work and effort you put into your company. You haven’t been letting the others do all the work for you while you gamble or drink yourself into oblivion. I know how much effort it takes to run a successful business. Trust me. I’ve watched my father fail at enough of them.”
He waved his hand dismissively. “What I’ve done is a drop in the bucket and means nothing. The company would be just as successful if I hadn’t invested in it. Maybe even more so.” Pouring himself another shot of whiskey, he said, “I’ve done nothing I’m especially proud of.”
She sighed and gave a delicate shrug. “Well, I’m proud of you, even if you aren’t.”
“Then you would have loved my brother.” The words
loved my brother
stung more than he cared to admit. He wanted her to love
him
. Never before in his life had he wanted a woman’s love, but he needed Lexie’s like he needed food and water.
A small, sad smile creased her lips, and the ache settling in his chest was so different from the one that had lived in his heart for the past year. Rather than regret and shame, longing consumed him, and even though it hurt, the pain felt clean where before it had been so dirty.
The realization hit him like a train. Their relationship wasn’t about lust, or even about pursuing the one woman who refused him. He had fallen in love with her. He didn’t want her heart because of greed or passion or possessiveness. He wanted her heart because she already had his.
Lexie studied him with sad, dark eyes. “Why don’t you tell me about him?”
“I’m not even sure what to tell you.” He had no idea where to start. Lexie would have loved Rob. They were so alike in their tastes in books and music, in the practical and steadfast ways they approached the world. “He was the golden son. Like I said, he studied hard and went to law school, and while I attended college, I spent most of my time getting into scrapes Rob had to get me out of. My father was so proud of him.”
“Sound like you were, too.”
With a small nod, Nicholas said, “Yeah. I idolized Rob. I wanted to
be
Rob when I was a kid. So when the opportunity came up, I offered him a job helping to negotiate contracts with Campbell. I thought nothing would be better than having him live here in California.”
“And he came?”
“Yep. I made him an offer he couldn’t refuse. I wish to God he had. But, as you once pointed out, no one refuses me, and neither did he.”
He knew he’d hurt her with his choice of words, but instead of addressing it, she simply pursed her lips into a line and asked, “What happened?”
Nicholas swirled his whiskey in his glass and watched it trail down the sides. He threw the drink back in a single swallow, relishing the burn it created in his stomach. That small bite of pain briefly focused his attention away from a different, deeper pain. “Well, I killed him.”
“What?” she breathed.
He expected disgust, but instead her expression only held concern and surprise. No horror. No censure. Just shock and hurt. “He’s dead because of me.”
She moved her beautiful body closer, and he noticed the way the fabric of her dress clung to her narrow waist and accentuated the swell of her breasts. Even now, as consumed with guilt as he was—and should be—the lure of a beautiful woman still so easily distracted him. She cupped his face, and he turned his eyes away. Her concern actually hurt worse than her disgust would have. He couldn’t push her away as he had everyone else. He couldn’t drown her compassion in alcohol as he had his pain.
But he could try.
“You don’t need any more to drink,” she said as he reached for his whiskey. She clucked her tongue softly and moved the bottle out of his reach. “Why don’t you tell me what happened.”
He dropped his hands. She was right. He didn’t need the alcohol. It only dulled the hurt, and he wanted to feel the pain when she walked out on him. Losing Lexie would be a reasonable punishment for what he had done to his brother. He should have lost everything, and yet, after his brother’s death, Fortune continued to smile on him, gracing him with more women and more money than he had ever hoped for. Eventually, Fortune brought him Lexie.
