The Man You Need (Love on Tour #4) (4 page)

I had this dual personality really. And I was fine with it. I was only ever truly comfortable with my family. I was someone else entirely in front of the rest of world. And if I tried to have an actual relationship with someone who wanted
talk
and get to know me and shit, I would have to let my guard down. I didn’t want to do that, ever.

Besides, I needed it for my professional life. I always tried to have sex right before I went on stage. It helped me because when I was with a guy I was acting. I was at my very best as a performer at those times, so it put me in that place I needed to be.

I wasn’t going to feel like a freak about it, either. In fact, I had come to realize that Sean did the same thing. He prepared himself before turning into that different person on stage. I’d seen it with my own eyes. Tonight, before the show, Sean had pulled Baby to him and kissed her, hard. I’d seen Sean kiss Baby a million times. And every single time he’d been super gentle, tender and sweet. But not right before he went on stage. He was completely different with her then. And Baby didn’t seem mind at all, but then of course, she knew that as soon as the show was over she’d have her giant teddy bear back.

I also knew that Sean’s five minutes before performing, and the time while he was on stage, were not the same. The rest of time, Sean was Sean. I spent a good ninety percent of my life acting. I was always performing, whether I was with guys or friends, it didn’t matter. When I lived in New York, I only stopped acting when I was alone in the shower or asleep.

Over the last few months in Malibu, the equation had completely flipped. I had been constantly surrounded by family, and I’d grown accustomed to living in a relaxed state, saying what I really thought, and generally, just being me.

But we were on the road now, and things were a jumbled up mess. Despite the fact that I was with people I was comfortable with, I still wanted to have some fun. I wanted to meet a guy, feel sexy, feel that high again of having another person want me.

That was going to be extremely difficult in this situation because I only wanted to have sex with guys who were easy to stay in character with. My brothers, on the other hand, were bound and determined to keep me away from those exact guys.

Fuck my life.

5

On our way to El Paso, I ended up sitting on the couch near the back of the bus with Jack again. He clicked away on his laptop while I read an erotica novel on my Kindle.

“Jesus, what are you reading?”

I looked up to see him staring at my screen. I turned the Kindle toward him so he could clearly read the scene, which involved a leather belt and whole lot of kink.

“Isn’t that for bedtime?”

“Prude.”

“Whatever, guys don’t read that kind of shit.”

“No, they just watch it on porno movies or look at pictures in magazines. Reading it is more cerebral.”

“Cerebral? Really?”

“Absolutely. It’s
reading
, asshole.”

“It’s fucking dirty.”

“I am not going to apologize for it, and I am not going to be ashamed. Women have just as much right to get turned on by shit as men do. There is a serious double standard in our–”

“Okay, okay. I give up. You win, Princess. Enjoy your smut.”

“Thank you. I will.”

Then he asked a question that seemed to come out of nowhere, “You ever been in a play that required you take your clothes off?”

I stared at him.

“What? It’s not unheard of. And it’s art, right?”

“I would be in a play that required that with no qualms, as long as it was a good play. But I’ve never had the opportunity arise. Why? Would you go?”

He paused before answering. “It doesn’t matter. It would never happen. Sean would find a way to stop the show. He’d create a massive boycott or buy out the producers or something.”

“You’re probably right.” I glanced over to the front of the bus where Sean was playing cards with Bell and Hank, little Henry cuddled into his lap. “You know, most women my age don’t have this problem.”

“Yeah, I suppose not. But at least you know you’re loved.”

“Smothered is more like it.”

“Not so much in New York, though?”

“No. I suppose it’s only become so glaringly obvious since I’ve been staying with them for the last few months. And then, of course, I got dragged along on this tour.”

In some ways being with my family had made me regress emotionally. I didn’t want to get too analytical about my behavior, like Sam would, but I’d have to admit that my personality had been stunted at a young age. Once I’d put on that other face to show the world, my true inner self had been stifled. I’d spent so little time nurturing her that she was kinda stuck at adolescence. Or some shrinky shit like that.

“You didn’t have to come. Your arm is healed. You could have gone back to New York.” Jack raised an eyebrow.

“You heard about my arm?”

He nodded. “How did that happen, anyway?”

I was glad he had asked about my arm instead of why I’d come on the tour, since I couldn’t really explain why I’d agreed to that. I wasn’t really sure myself. But the arm I could explain.

“I was backstage during rehearsal. And my understudy tripped me.”

“She tripped you? On purpose?”

“Yeah, so anyway, I fell and my arm landed under me and on top of a piece of equipment. I broke my ulna. Then I was stuck in a cast for six weeks and the understudy got my part.”

“Is that why she tripped you? To get your part?”

“No, she tripped me because I slept with her boyfriend.”

Jack’s mouth dropped open. I shrugged casually.

“But they just gave her the part, even after she maliciously hurt you?”

“I didn’t tell anyone she did it on purpose.”

“Why not?”

“I was an asshole. I slept with her boyfriend.”

Of course she should have been mad at him, too. Especially since he lead me to believe they had broken up. A part of me knew there was an unfair double standard in all of it. But I still blamed myself.

“Wow. You are something else, Stacey.”

I didn’t mind that people saw me as a callous slut most of the time. But I was in a different environment here on this bus. I did care what these people who loved me thought of me.

I decided I didn’t like this conversation anymore, so I went back to reading my book.

****

El Paso turned out to be pretty fun. I ditched the family-friendly bus and snuck onto bus two for the ride back to the hotel after the show. I was sitting with Joe. Joe was Sean’s drummer. He was hot in that rough way men sometimes are. He had a good stubble on his jaw, untidy hair, and clothes that were wrinkly and probably hadn’t been changed in over a day. He was very rocker-ish.

He was also acutely aware that I was Sean’s sister. In fact, I’d kind of written Joe off after Lisa told me that she’d tried to go out with him on the last tour. It was early on, before she’d given into Sam’s advances. She’d even a set up a date with Joe. But he’d gotten scared off by Sean and Sam. He’d told her he ‘didn’t mess with the Rush brothers.’ When she’d relayed the story to me over the cooing of feeding babies, we’d both laughed. But I’d made a mental note that Joe was not worth the effort.

That was before he’d smoked that joint. It seemed that for some reason, he’d completely forgotten about his fear of my brother once he was good and stoned. I was taking advantage of his short-term memory loss.

By the time we hit the hotel lobby, Joe was all over me. I’d noticed when we pulled up that bus one sat dark and quiet in the parking lot. This was good. It meant that Hank and Sean were most likely tucked away in their rooms with their wives.

We walked into the lobby attached to one another. Joe hit the elevator button, leaned against the wall beside it and pulled me to him. He was kissing me and his hands were roaming. I gave a little groan of encouragement.

Then I felt two large hands on my shoulders. They wrenched me back. Joe’s half-lidded eyes flew wide. A long-fingered, brown hand shoved Joe into the elevator just as it opened.

“Goodnight Joe,” Jack said sternly.

I watched as the elevator closed on Joe’s shocked face. Then I whirled around to confront Jack. “Seriously?”

“Come on, let’s get a drink.”

Jack grabbed me by the upper arm and escorted me to the hotel bar that sat just off the lobby. We didn’t speak to each other until he’d placed me on a barstool beside him.

A kindly looking bartender approached us as soon as we sat down. “What can I get you?”

Jack turned and looked at me.

“A whiskey sour,” I said, trying not to let my irritation with Jack seep over to the nice middle-aged man in front of me.

“Same,” Jack said.

I looked at him. “I’m surprised you drink.”

“Why would that surprise you?”

“A professional stuffed shirt like you.”

He didn’t look like a stuffed shirt right then, though. He’d abandoned the slacks and fancy shirts for jeans and T-shirts as soon as the tour had begun. Right then he was wearing a plain black T-shirt that hugged his muscles.

“I’m not on the clock.”

“Oh, but you are. You are so on the clock. You’re working right now, keeping a watchful eye on my vagina,” I retorted.

A few people in the bar turned their heads toward us.

Jack rolled his eyes. “I had no idea what a big job it was when I took it on.”

“Whatever, you should mind your own business. Just tell Sean whatever he wants to hear. It’s what I do.”

“I don’t believe that for a second.”

I stared at him. “Why not?”

“Because while it’s apparent that you do some pretty crazy shit in your personal life, I don’t think you lie to your brother. In the short time I’ve known you, I’ve been paying attention, and if there is one person in this world who has your complete respect, it’s Sean.”

Holy shit. In five seconds flat, this guy had figured something out about me. I did not like that.

The bartender brought our drinks. I took a small sip. Jack took a long gulp. “Here’s what I don’t get,” he said, slamming the glass down on the bar. “You are obviously a fairly intelligent woman, you’re beautiful, and I know you’re talented…”

“How do you know that?”

“I saw one of your plays. The one where you played a detective.”

I gaped at him. “That piece of shit. It was off-Broadway.”

“I thought it was good. You were good.”

“My leading man was a total tool. He couldn’t act his way out of a paper bag. He only got the job because he was sleeping with the producer.”

“And yet, you carried the play.”

“How did you end up seeing that, anyway? When was that, like three years ago?”

“I was in town with a tour. I had my girlfriend along and we had a free night. She said she wanted to see a play. So I picked that one.” He took another sip, set his glass down gently this time, and looked me in the eye. “I picked it because your picture was on the ad.”

“I hope you didn’t tell your girlfriend that.”

He shook his head and chuckled. “No, I’m not that dumb.”

“You still got this girlfriend?”

“No, she’s been long gone. I just broke up with the most recent one. I guess I have to find a place to live when I get back.”

“Back to L.A.?”

He shrugged. “I don’t really ‘live’ anywhere. I’m always on the road. But L.A. was where I was between gigs, for a while anyway. I spend a lot of time in Detroit when I’m not touring, too.”

“Is that where your family is?”

He nodded. “Getting back to you, Princess. As I was saying, you could probably have your pick of guys, and you go for these players.”

“I like rockers.”

“Really? That’s like a thing for you?”

“Yep. Since I was a teenager.”

“Very interesting.”

“Why’s that?”

“Well, I would have to make the leap that it has something to do with your brother.”

I scrunched up my nose. “My brother is not in that category.”

He looked at me with surprise. “Your brother is in fact a rock star – a very, very popular rock star.”

“Yeah, but he’s nothing like them.”

“True.”

“I like the real thing, you know? Crazy parties, wild nights, busted up hotel rooms. All that.”

“And you enjoy that lifestyle?”

I shrugged. “I wouldn’t know. I’ve never actually been successful in getting one to hook up with me.”

Now he was really shocked. “Wait. What? I figured you were old hat at this, the way you’ve been throwing yourself at every musician you can find.”

“Hey, it’s only been two.”

“Stacey, we’re only on our third stop.”

“Whatever, why are we even talking about this?” I sipped my drink. “Tell me about your family.”

“I have grandparents. They’re very sweet. They own a bakery. So, why is it you’ve been into rockers since you were a teenager, but you never dated one?”

“Sean.”

“Right. I guess that’s obvious.”

“Yeah, if I could find one who didn’t know who he is, I’d be all set.”

“Good luck with that.”

“Exactly. So, just the grandparents? No parents or siblings?”

“Nope. They raised me. No aunts or uncles, either. So, is it because Sean was always hanging out with musicians when you were growing up? You’re like four years younger than him, right?”

“Yeah, I suppose it is. I was just hitting puberty and all these men were suddenly in my basement playing guitars all the time. I ended up with a crush on all of them at one point. In that basement, I was invisible. I got to sit there and watch everything. And they treated me like I belonged there, the silent girl in the corner. The only time you’d even know I was there would be if one of them started talking about sex or drugs and Sean would tell them to watch their mouth around me. But I saw how they treated other girls. I wanted to be treated like that, too. But I was just Sean’s little sister.”

It was hard to believe that I was actually sitting here telling this to someone I barely knew. I’d been so painfully shy as a child. Most people who knew me now would be shocked by such an admission. But it was true. I spoke even less than Sean back then. It wasn’t until my mom enrolled me in acting classes when I was in middle school that things started to change for me. I found that when I was on stage, pretending to be someone else, the natural shyness in me faded away. And then at some point acting become much more than a hobby that got me to talk. It had become a lifeline.

“Hmmm,” Jack said, watching me.

“Then one day, Hank showed up. Sean brought him home to Michigan for Christmas. He was between rehab stints, and he was a huge mess. I fell hard for Hank. He was really the start of the whole obsession. So I guess to answer your question, it really is Sean’s fault.”

“Still got a thing for Hank?” he asked, his eyebrow raised.

“Hell no. First of all Hank hasn’t been a hot mess in over a decade. Secondly, even when he was, he wouldn’t touch me with a ten-foot pole. Now he’s married and I’m not that kind of girl.”