The Man Behind the Badge (16 page)

She looked at him, at the pain she’d caused, and it was nearly enough to make her buckle. She felt like her heart had been cut out. How she ached to go to him, to offer him whatever it took to make take his pain away.

But she was confused and to weaken would mean hurting him even more.

She was right to end it now. She couldn’t steal any more moments from him. He deserved better. He deserved the things he wanted.

Her hand shook as she put aside her half-finished coffee. ‘I’ll go and get my gear.’

Hardly aware of what she was doing, she went to the bedroom and gathered all her belongings. Tears blinded her as she struggled with the zipper of her carry-all. She stopped, pressed the heels of her hands to her eyes and counted. Control. She had to get herself under control so she could face Tom before going.

She went back to the lounge. He was still standing where she’d left him. He’d looked so shattered. More than anything, she wanted to put her arms around him. But after what she’d done, she had no right to comfort him. And that would only make it worse.

‘I’m sorry, Tom. I’ve made a hash of this. I didn’t mean to.’

‘I know.’ He looked at her, his heart, unashamedly, in his eyes.

She swallowed hard. ‘I hope you find what you need.’

‘I have.’ The small crooked smile he managed tore at her. ‘But she doesn’t need me.’

‘Tom, please…’ Her throat threatened to close over.

‘What did you expect, Kayla? That I’d make it easy for you?’ He shook his head slightly. ‘I’m sorry, honey. I’d do a lot of things for you but that’s beyond me.’

‘Goodbye, Tom.’ She turned away quickly, blinking hard as she made her way to the door. Down the steps to her car. Her hands shook so much she had trouble getting the key into the ignition.

She drove carefully, glad of the numbness that allowed her to concentrate on the road. But as soon as she pulled up at her flat, sensation returned with a vengeance. Her heart felt raw, flayed. Her hands clenched on the steering-wheel as sobs erupted from deep within her, racking her until she was exhausted.

Moving like an old, old woman, she collected her bag and let herself into the flat.

She’d made such a mess of things, hurt Tom cruelly when all he’d done had been to treat her well.

He loved her.

She sagged against the door and slid down until she sat on the floor. Fresh tears scalded her eyes.

How could she bear knowing she’d caused him such pain?

T
OM
juggled his handhold on the heavy wardrobe and craned his head around the end of the unit. ‘I thought this was supposed to be empty.’

‘It is. It’s solid cedar,’ Liz said.

‘I’m starting to think it’d make damned good kindling.’ Jack grunted as they manoeuvred the awkward bulk.

‘You’re nearly there,’ Liz said. ‘Just a bit further. That’s it. Oh, perfect, thank you.’ She stood back and beamed, her hands folded over her bulging stomach. Tom looked at her gingerly, wondering exactly when the baby was due.

‘Now, will you have a rest, please?’ Jack said, sounding close to the end of his tether.

‘Okay. As soon as I’ve made you two a cup of coffee.’

‘No. Now. Tom and I will make the coffee. Put your feet up. That’s an order.’

‘All right, boss.’ She and Jack grinned at each other, their faces softening with such overwhelming love that Tom felt like an intruder in the moment. His heart squeezed painfully. This was what he’d wanted with Kayla, what he’d been so sure would be in their future. He’d been wrong.

‘Scoot.’

‘I’m gone.’ She grinned.

Jack frowned at the empty doorway after Liz had left the room. ‘Not planning to take Kayla far afield tonight, are you, mate?’

‘Not tonight,’ Tom said.
Not any night for the foreseeable future
. The agony of it battered him. He clamped his jaw. ‘Why?’

His friend rolled his shoulders as though to release the tension there. ‘Liz is in the first stages of labour.’

‘What? Now?’ Aghast, Tom stared at his friend. ‘Shouldn’t you do something? Boil water? Go to the hospital?’

‘If I had my way, she’d be chained to a hospital bed right now,’ Jack muttered, then shrugged. ‘She says it’s too early. Come on, let’s make that coffee.’

Tom followed him into the kitchen.

A split second later, Liz appeared, an odd look on her face and her hands clutching her stomach. ‘Change of plans, darling.’

Jack was beside her in a flash. ‘Now? Is it now?’

‘Yes. Time to go to the hospital.’

‘I’ll drive. We’ll take my car,’ Tom said, digging his keys out of his pocket as Jack scooped Liz into his arms. ‘It’s in the driveway ready to go.’

‘Wait,’ she said, as Jack strode towards the door. ‘I need to ring Kayla and I want my bag.’

‘We can ring on the way,’ Jack said. ‘I’ll come back for your bag later.’

‘No. I want it now. There’s no need to panic. I’m not going to drop your son on the front veranda,’ Liz said. ‘Please, darling.’

‘I’ll ring Kayla while you get the bag, Jack,’ Tom said, picking up the handset on the bench and punching in Kayla’s number.

‘Hell. All right.’ Jack lowered Liz gently onto a chair. ‘Stay,’ he said, then stalked out of the room.

‘Hey, Liz, sweetie.’ Kayla’s husky voice, warm, loving and calm, flowed down the phone line like honey and Tom’s pulse leapt painfully. ‘I’ve been expecting your call. Are you ready to come in?’

His unruly heart clamoured regardless of the fact that all her sweet reassurance wasn’t meant for him.

‘Kayla, it’s Tom,’ he rasped.

‘Tom?’ There was a fraction of a second of stark silence on the other end of the line. He could almost feel her shock, hear her thoughts spinning, but before he could reassure her, she said, ‘Is Liz all right?’

‘She’s in labour. Jack’s just getting her bag and then we’ll be on our way.’

‘Okay. Ask Liz what stage.’ Her voice was steady, unhurried. ‘Have her waters broken?’

‘Kayla wants to know what stage you’re at and if your waters have broken.’

‘My waters haven’t broken and the contractions—’ Liz stopped abruptly, her face screwed up as she puffed. ‘Two minutes apart and getting stronger. Near transition.’

It was all he could do to subdue the dismay that mushroomed through him. They’d done the theory of delivering babies but he’d never imagined having to use the rusty knowledge. He relayed Liz’s information. ‘She says she’s not far off transition, whatever that means.’

‘It means don’t panic but don’t dawdle either.’ He could hear the smile in Kayla’s voice. It curled into his ears like a caress. She was strong and calm on the other end of the line, instilling her confidence over the phone. Not that Liz needed it. But he did. ‘Tell Liz the room is all ready and I’ll see her soon. Drive carefully, Tom.’

‘I will.’ He thumbed the off button as Jack came back into the room. ‘Okay, give me the bag, you get Liz. Let’s go.’

Tom curbed his impatience on the short drive to the hospital. He was torn between wanting to floor it with emergency lights blazing, sirens blaring, and wanting to make the ride as smooth as possible for his precious cargo.

Most of all, he wanted to be
there
, with Kayla and her expertise.

As he drove, he listened to his friend’s murmurs of reassurance coming from the back seat.

At the emergency entrance, he could see Kayla at the door with a wheelchair. He felt his tension leach away, only to be replaced by the profound sadness he’d lived with for the last week. Despite the grinding physical ache that cramped in his chest, he couldn’t take his eyes off Kayla. She looked beautiful, perhaps a little pale.

‘I want to walk,’ Liz insisted as she clambered out of back door. ‘I need to walk. Jack?’

‘Right here, darling.’

‘Let’s get you set up in the birthing room.’ Kayla ushered them through the door, looking back at him with a sweet smile. ‘Thanks, Tom. You did good.’

The quick words of gratitude, the way her beautiful grey eyes had clung to his with soft warmth and approval, filled him with an odd painful pleasure.

The door shut behind them. He’d done his bit, he could go home now…should go home.

But he didn’t want to. There was nothing,
no one
, waiting for him there. Seeing Kayla tonight underlined the emptiness he felt.

He sighed and climbed into the driver’s seat. Perhaps he’d park the vehicle, stay a bit longer in case Jack and Liz needed him.

Less than an hour later, Kayla smiled at her friends huddled together, their new baby boy cradled lovingly.

‘I’ll leave you three alone to get acquainted. If you need anything at all, the buzzer’s there. Just ring.’

Jack and Liz looked up, their eyes damp. ‘Thanks, Kayla.’

‘Thank you for letting me be here.’ She smiled through the tears brimming in her eyes. ‘All of you did a great job.’

Turning away, she let herself out of the room quietly. Her heart was so full. The miracle of birth was always profound, but today it had affected her even more than usual.

She stood with her fingertips resting on the wood of the closed door. In a moment of crystal clarity she realised this was what she wanted. A future with a man she loved, with Tom. He’d offered her a place in his heart and she’d been too afraid to grasp it.

But now she knew what she had to do. Urgency gripped her and she hoped against hope that Tom would still be in the waiting room. Not taking the time to change out of her scrubs, she hurried along the corridor. She’d made a mistake and it was time to face it, own it. And make what amends she could.

The damage she’d done might be irrevocable but, regardless, she had to tell Tom how she felt. She had to put her heart on the line and take a risk.

Tom loved her…or at least he
had
loved her. She needed to ask if he’d give her a second chance.

Her footsteps slowed as she scanned the room of patients waiting to be attended to. Tom wasn’t there. Disappointment punctured her, leaving a brutal, unhappy void in her stomach. She’d pinned so much on being about to see him straight away.

‘Are you looking for Tom?’ Hilda asked from behind the desk.

‘Yes.’ Kayla felt her chin tremble as she looked at the kindly nurse. ‘Is he still around?’

‘He’s only just walked out.’ Hilda nodded towards the door. ‘You can probably still catch him if you hurry.’

‘Thanks.’

As soon as she was out of the door, Kayla broke into a run towards Tom’s four-wheel drive.

Eyes closed, he was sitting behind the steering-wheel. She knocked on the glass of the driver’s window. His eyes flew open then widened when he saw her.

The window was down in a trice and he barked at her, ‘Jack and Liz?’

‘They’re fine. Fine. All three of them.’

He seemed to sag. ‘Thank God.’

‘I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you like that.’ Now that she’d tracked him down she felt oddly tongue tied. She put her hands on the doorframe, wrapping her fingers over the edge of the open window. ‘Tom, I… Can we go somewhere to talk?’

A muscle along his jaw flexed and she read rejection in his eyes. Pain tightened her chest.

‘Kayla—’

‘Please,’ she whispered, gripping harder and willing him to hear her out.

He sighed out a breath. ‘Okay. I’m listening.’

She hesitated then swallowed. ‘Can I…can I get in?’

‘Of course.’

She walked around to the other side of the vehicle as she tried to gather her thoughts. Suddenly Tom was beside her, opening the door.

She turned to face him, looked up into his dear, dear face. Suddenly his features blurred and she blinked hard to bring him back into focus.

‘I’m sorry for hurting you the way I did, Tom.’

‘I know. It’s not your fault. You tried to warn me.’ A sad smile touched his lips. ‘I just didn’t want to hear because I was so busy with my own plans.’

He was trying to make it better, easier for her. He was baring himself again and it was her job. A hot tear streaked down her face.

‘Stop. Please.’ She laid her fingertips to his mouth. ‘I’m doing this all wrong.’

He lifted a hand and stroked the moisture from her cheek. Covering his hand with hers, she turned her head and placed a kiss in the palm.

‘Kayla—’

‘I love you, Tom.’ She felt a jolt run through his body as the words rasped in her throat. She’d said them, they were out there. It was as if a huge weight had been lifted from her soul. Saying the rest would be easy now. ‘I want to be with you. I’m sorry I hurt you and I know you might have changed your mind.’

‘Changed my mind? Are you crazy? Not in a million years. I love you so much it hurts.’ He freed his hands and she found herself crushed to his body. ‘God. Say the words again so I know I didn’t imagine them.’

‘I love you, Tom.’

He squeezed her hard and she revelled in the embrace. Tremors shook them. Did they come from him or her? It didn’t matter. All that mattered was they were together.

His lips found hers. She dived into the kiss, not holding back any part of herself, relishing how much sweeter and even more perfect the feel of his mouth on hers was now that her emotions were stripped naked.

He pulled back, brushing her hair back and looking deep into her eyes. ‘Your plans. What about your plans, Kayla? Honey, you’re so passionate about them.’

‘A reason to avoid life and pain and messy emotions and the scary out-of-control way you make me feel. I don’t want to avoid that any more. I still want to make plans but I want to make them with you.’

‘I’ve got some plans of my own.’ He pressed her back against the fender of the vehicle.

She laughed. ‘I already know what one of them is.’

‘Yeah.’ Colour flared along his cheekbones. ‘Well, we’ll get to that. But we’ve got some more important things to settle first…make an honest man of me.’

‘As soon as you like.’

‘Family?’

‘Oh, yes. I can’t wait until we start working on that plan. I love you, Tom. Take me home.’