The Mammoth Book of Terror (18 page)

Perhaps if I’d cried out on the landing I would have been saved from my fear. But I was happy with my rationality. Only once, nearly asleep, I wished the fire were lit, because it would
burn anything that might be hiding in the chimney; that had never occurred to me before. But it didn’t matter, for the next day we went on holiday.

My parents liked to sleep in the sunlight, beneath newspaper masks; in the evenings they liked to stroll along the wide sandy streets. I didn’t, and befriended Nigel, the son of another
family who were staying in the boarding-house. My mother encouraged the friendship: such a nice boy, two years older than me; he’d look after me. He had money, and the hope of a moustache
shadowing his pimply upper lip. One evening he took me to the fairground, where we met two girls; he and the older girl went to buy ice creams while her young friend and I stared at each other
timidly. I couldn’t believe the young girl didn’t like jigsaws. Later, while I was contradicting her, Nigel and his companion disappeared behind the Ghost Train – but Nigel
reappeared almost at once, red-faced, his left cheek redder. “Where’s Rose?” I asked, bewildered.

“She had to go.” He seemed furious that I’d asked.

“Isn’t she coming back?”

“No.” He was glancing irritably about for a change of subject. “What a super bike,” he said, pointing as it glided between the stalls. “Have you got a
bike?”

“No,” I said. “I keep asking Father Christmas, but—” I wished that hadn’t got past me, for he was staring at me, winking at the young girl.

“Do you still believe in him?” he demanded scornfully.

“No, of course I don’t. I was only kidding.” Did he believe me? He was edging towards the young girl now, putting his arm around her; soon she excused herself, and didn’t
come back – I never knew her name. I was annoyed he’d made her run away. “Where did Rose go?” I said persistently.

He didn’t tell me. But perhaps he resented my insistence, for as the family left the boarding-house I heard him say loudly to his mother “He still believes in Father
Christmas.” My mother heard that too, and glanced anxiously at me.

Well, I didn’t. There was nobody in the chimney, waiting for me to come home. I didn’t care that we were going home the next day. That night I pulled away the fireguard and saw a fat
pale face hanging down into the fireplace, like an underbelly, upside-down and smiling. But I managed to wake, and eventually the sea lulled me back to sleep.

As soon as we reached home I ran upstairs. I uncovered the fireplace and stood staring, to discover what I felt. Gradually I filled with the scorn Nigel would have felt, had he known of my fear.
How could I have been so childish? The chimney was only a passage for smoke, a hole into which the wind wandered sometimes. That night, exhausted by the journey home, I slept at once.

The nights darkened into October; the darkness behind the mesh grew thicker. I’d used to feel, as summer waned, that the chimney was insinuating its darkness into my room. Now the sight
only reminded me I’d have a fire soon. The fire would be comforting.

It was October when my father’s Christmas cards arrived, on a Saturday; I was working in the shop. It annoyed him to have to anticipate Christmas so much, to compete with the supermarket.
I hardly noticed the cards: my head felt muffled, my body cold – perhaps it was the weather’s sudden hint of winter.

My mother came into the shop that afternoon. I watched her pretend not to have seen the cards. When I looked away she began to pick them up timidly, as if they were unfaithful letters, glancing
anxiously at me. I didn’t know what was in her mind. My head was throbbing. I wasn’t going home sick. I earned pocket money in the shop. Besides, I didn’t want my father to think
I was still weak.

Nor did I want my mother to worry. That night I lay slumped in a chair, pretending to read. Words trickled down the page; I felt like dirty clothes someone had thrown on the chair. My father was
at the shop taking stock. My mother sat gazing at me. I pretended harder; the words waltzed slowly. At last she said “Are you listening?”

I was now, though I didn’t look up. “Yes,” I said hoarsely, unplugging my throat with a roar.

“Do you remember when you were a baby? There was a film you saw, of Father Christmas coming out of the chimney.” Her voice sounded bravely careless, falsely light, as if she were
determined to make some awful revelation. I couldn’t look up. “Yes,” I said.

Her silence made me glance up. She looked as she had on my first day at school: full of loss, of despair. Perhaps she was realizing I had to grow up, but to my throbbing head her look suggested
only terror – as if she were about to deliver me up as a sacrifice. “I couldn’t tell you the truth then,” she said. “You were too young.”

The truth was terror; her expression promised that. “Father Christmas isn’t really like that,” she said.

My illness must have shown by then. She gazed at me; her lips trembled. “I can’t,” she said, turning her face away. “Your father must tell you.”

But that left me poised on the edge of terror. I felt unnerved, rustily tense. I wanted very much to lie down. “I’m going to my room,” I said. I stumbled upstairs, hardly aware
of doing so. As much as anything I was fleeing her unease. The stairs swayed a little, they felt unnaturally soft underfoot. I hurried dully into my room. I slapped the light-switch and missed. I
was walking uncontrollably forward into blinding dark. A figure came to meet me, soft and huge in the dark of my room.

I cried out. I managed to stagger back onto the landing, grabbing the light-switch as I went. The lighted room was empty. My mother came running upstairs, almost falling. “What is it, what
is it?” she cried.

I mustn’t say. “I’m ill. I feel sick.” I did, and a minute later I was. She patted my back as I knelt by the toilet. When she’d put me to bed she made to go next
door, for the doctor. “Don’t leave me,” I pleaded. The walls of the room swayed as if tugged by firelight, the fireplace was huge and very dark. As soon as my father opened the
door she ran downstairs, crying “He’s ill, he’s ill! Go for the doctor!”

The doctor came and prescribed for my fever. My mother sat up beside me. Eventually my father came to suggest it was time she went to bed. They were going to leave me alone in my room.
“Make a fire,” I pleaded.

My mother touched my forehead. “But you’re burning,” she said.

“No, I’m cold! I want a fire! Please!” So she made one, tired as she was. I saw my father’s disgust as he watched me use her worry against her to get what I wanted, his
disgust with her for letting herself be used.

I didn’t care. My mother’s halting words had overgrown my mind. What had she been unable to tell me? Had it to do with the sounds I’d heard in the chimney? The room lolled
around me; nothing was sure. But the fire would make sure for me. Nothing in the chimney could survive it.

I made my mother stay until the fire was blazing. Suppose a huge shape burst forth from the hearth, dripping fire? When at last I let go I lay lapped by the firelight and meshy shadows, which
seemed lulling now, in my warm room.

I felt feverish, but not unpleasantly. I was content to voyage on my rocking bed; the ceiling swayed past above me. While I slept the fire went out. My fever kept me warm; I slid out of bed and,
pulling away the fireguard, reached up the chimney. At the length of my arms I touched something heavy, hanging down in the dark; it yielded, then soft fat fingers groped down and closed on my
wrist. My mother was holding my wrist as she washed my hands. “You mustn’t get out of bed,” she said when she realized I was awake.

I stared stupidly at her. “You’d got out of bed. You were sleepwalking,” she explained. “You had your hands right up the chimney.” I saw now that she was washing
caked soot from my hands; tracks of ash led towards the bed.

It had been only a dream. One moment the fat hand had been gripping my wrist, the next it was my mother’s cool slim fingers. My mother played word games and timid chess with me while I
stayed in bed, that day and the next.

The third night I felt better. The fire fluttered gently; I felt comfortably warm. Tomorrow I’d get up. I should have to go back to school soon, but I didn’t mind that unduly. I lay
and listened to the breathing of the wind in the chimney.

When I awoke the fire had gone out. The room was full of darkness. The wind still breathed, but it seemed somehow closer. It was above me. Someone was standing over me. It couldn’t be
either of my parents, not in the sightless darkness.

I lay rigid. Most of all I wished that I hadn’t let Nigel’s imagined contempt persuade me to do without a nightlight. The breathing was slow, irregular; it sounded clogged and
feeble. As I tried to inch silently towards the far side of the bed, the source of the breathing stooped towards me. I felt its breath waver on my face, and the breath sprinkled me with something
like dry rain.

When I had lain paralysed for what felt like blind hours, the breathing went away. It was in the chimney, dislodging soot; it might be the wind. But I knew it had come out to let me know that
whatever the fire had done to it, it hadn’t been killed. It had emerged to tell me it would come for me on Christmas Eve. I began to scream.

I wouldn’t tell my mother why. She washed my face, which was freckled with soot. “You’ve been sleepwalking again,” she tried to reassure me, but I wouldn’t let her
leave me until daylight. When she’d gone I saw the ashy tracks leading from the chimney to the bed.

Perhaps I had been sleepwalking and dreaming. I searched vainly for my nightlight. I would have been ashamed to ask for a new one, and that helped me to feel I could do without. At dinner I felt
secure enough to say I didn’t know why I had screamed.

“But you must remember. You sounded so frightened. You upset me.”

My father was folding the evening paper into a thick wad the size of a pocketbook, which he could read beside his plate. “Leave the boy alone,” he said. “You imagine all sorts
of things when you’re feverish. I did when I was his age.”

It was the first time he’d admitted anything like weakness to me. If he’d managed to survive his nightmares, why should mine disturb me more? Tired out by the demands of my fever, I
slept soundly that night. The chimney was silent except for the flapping of flames.

But my father didn’t help me again. One November afternoon I was standing behind the counter, hoping for customers. My father pottered, grumpily fingering packets of nylons, tins of
petfood, Dinky toys, babies’ rattles, cards, searching for signs of theft. Suddenly he snatched a Christmas card and strode to the counter. “Sit down,” he said grimly.

He was waving the card at me, like evidence. I sat down on a shelf, but then a lady came into the shop; the bell thumped. I stood up to sell her nylons. When she’d gone I gazed at my
father, anxious to hear the worst. “Just sit down,” he said.

He couldn’t stand my being taller than he was. His size embarrassed him, but he wouldn’t let me see that; he pretended I had to sit down out of respect. “Your mother says she
tried to tell you about Father Christmas,” he said.

She must have told him that weeks earlier. He’d put off talking to me – because we’d never been close, and now we were growing further apart. “I don’t know why she
couldn’t tell you,” he said.

But he wasn’t telling me either. He was looking at me as if I were a stranger he had to chat to. I felt uneasy, unsure now that I wanted to hear what he had to say. A man was approaching
the shop. I stood up, hoping he’d interrupt.

He did, and I served him. Then, to delay my father’s revelation, I adjusted stacks of tins. My father stared at me in disgust. “If you don’t watch out you’ll be as bad as
your mother.”

I found the idea of being like my mother strange, indefinably disturbing. But he wouldn’t let me be like him, wouldn’t let me near. All right, I’d be brave, I’d listen to
what he had to say. But he said “Oh, it’s not worth me trying to tell you. You’ll find out.”

He meant I must find out for myself that Father Christmas was a childish fantasy. He didn’t mean he wanted the thing from the chimney to come for me, the disgust in his eyes didn’t
mean that, it didn’t. He meant that I had to behave like a man.

And I could. I’d show him. The chimney was silent. I needn’t worry until Christmas Eve. Nor then. There was nothing to come out.

One evening as I walked home I saw Dr Flynn in his front room. He was standing before a mirror, gazing at his red fur-trimmed hooded suit; he stooped to pick up his beard. My mother told me that
he was going to act Father Christmas at the children’s hospital. She seemed on the whole glad that I’d seen. So was I: it proved the pretence was only for children.

Except that the glimpse reminded me how near Christmas was. As the nights closed on the days, and the days rushed by – the end-of-term party, the turkey, decorations in the house – I
grew tense, trying to prepare myself. For what? For nothing, nothing at all. Well, I would know soon – for suddenly it was Christmas Eve.

I was busy all day. I washed up as my mother prepared Christmas dinner. I brought her ingredients, and hurried to buy some she’d used up. I stuck the day’s cards to tapes above the
mantelpiece. I carried home a tinsel tree which nobody had bought. But being busy only made the day move faster. Before I knew it the windows were full of night.

Christmas Eve. Well, it didn’t worry me. I was too old for that sort of thing. The tinsel tree rustled when anyone passed it, light rolled in tinsel globes, streamers flinched back when
doors opened. Whenever I glanced at the wall above the mantelpiece I saw half a dozen red-cheeked smiling bearded faces swinging restlessly on tapes.

The night piled against the windows. I chattered to my mother about her shouting father, her elder sisters, the time her sisters had locked her in a cellar. My father grunted occasionally
– even when I’d run out of subjects to discuss with my mother, and tried to talk to him about the shop. At least he hadn’t noticed how late I was staying up. But he had.
“It’s about time everyone was in bed,” he said with a kind of suppressed fury.