The Mammoth Book of Tasteless Jokes (105 page)

He replies, “I make a good living.”

Once upon a time long ago the mighty Emperor of Japan advertised for a new chief samurai. After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai. “Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box and released a fly. He drew his ceremonial sword and, swish, the fly fell to the floor, neatly bisected in two matching halves.

“Fantastic!” enthused the Emperor. “Samurai number two, show me your skills.”

So the Chinese samurai bowed, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fy. He drew his ceremonial sword and, swish, swish, the fly fell to the foor neatly quartered.

“That is indeed a formidable skill,” nodded the Emperor. “How are you going to top that, samurai number three?” The Jewish samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, releasing one fly, drew his ceremonial sword and, swish, fourished it so mightily that it produced a gust of wind. The fly, however, was still buzzing around the room.

“I am disappointed,” said the Emperor. “What kind of skill is that? The fly isn’t even dead.”

“Dead, schmead,” replied the Jewish samurai. “Dead is easy. Now circumcision, that takes skill . . .”

What’s the difference between a Jew and a canoe?

A canoe tips.

What is the difference between karate and judo?

Karate is a martial art, while judo is what bagels are made from.

Two old Jewish ladies were shopping one afternoon when one says to the other, “Wish me good luck. My son finally met a girl and maybe they will get married. But the only thing I know about her is that my son says that she has Herpes. What is herpes?”

Her friend replies, “I don’t know, but I have a medical dictionary at home and I will look it up for you.”

The next day the ladies again meet. She says to her friend, “It’s okay. You don’t have to worry. Apparently It’s a disease of the gentiles.”

A Scottish mate of mine is into heavy S&M. He likes nothing more than being beaten up by a vicious woman whilst naked and vulnerable. He told me he visits brothels for this several times a week.

“Christ, that must cost you a fortune,” I said.

“Not a penny,” he replied, “I just book a normal service, shag the arse off her, then tell her I haven’t got any money.”

What do you call kinky sex with chocolate?

S&M&M
.

What’s the difference between kinky and perverse?

Kinky is using a feather, perverse is using the whole chicken.

A man was arrested yesterday after being caught with his dick in the bank vault. He said he was only having safe sex.

What’s the best thing about kinky sex? Wiping the blood off the hammer.

Why do blow-up dolls make great lovers?

Because they always look shocked at the size of your cock.

Vertigo fetishists. The bigger the fall, the harder they come.