The Making of Americans, Being a History of a Family's Progress (59 page)

     One then I have been describing was to me a very slow long learning. Always in the beginning the repeating I was hearing, feeling, seeing coming always out of this one was to me a complete history of the being of this one, the being I was first describing that every one who knew this one felt was the being of this one. More and more then hearing this repeating was irritating, more and more then there was in me always a beginning again of listening to, of seeing, feeling the repeating coming out of this one. Slowly then there came to be in me puzzled feeling. Slowly there came to be in me a feeling that it was not a complete repeating I was hearing, not a complete history of her being. Then always I had in me a puzzled feeling, slowly then there came to me to see in this one other repeating that always was repeating but that slowly came to have meaning. Always I was hearing, feeling, seeing every one else feeling, listening to, seeing this one. Slowly then this one came to be a complete one to me. Slowly then all the repeating came to be a complete history of the being of this one always coming out of this one always repeating the whole of the being this one had all of her living. Slowly then every one, everything always helping, slowly then, I always listening, looking, feeling, always then I slowly, always hearing, seeing, feeling came to have this one to be a whole one to me, came to have this one to be a whole one inside me. Always then more and more I heard and saw and felt all the repeating always telling the whole being in her, more and more then I had in me a completed friendly feeling of the whole being that was this one.
     Each one comes to be a whole one to me. Each comes to be a whole one in me. Some come very slowly to be a whole one to me. Some come fairly quickly to be a whole one in me. Some come fairly quickly to be a whole one in me, and then this whole one which was just outlines comes to be more and more filled up for me. Some come to be very slowly a whole one to me. There are every kind of way to have men and women, in their beginning, in their middle being, in their ending be a whole one inside any one to that one. Sometime there will be a description of every kind of way any one can know anything, any one can know any one.
     Some one sometime comes to be a whole one to me, there are many ways of learning in me, there are many ways of loving learning in me, there are many ways of keeping everything that learning has given to me, inside me. There are many ways then of having some time to have it come that some one is a whole one in me. This is now some description of another one coming to be a whole one to me.
     Sometimes I know and hear and feel and see all the repeating in some one, all the repeating that is the whole of some one but it always comes as pieces to me, it is never there to make a whole one to me. Some people have it in them to be in pieces in repeating the whole of them, such of them almost come never to be a whole one to me, some come almost all their living in repeating to be succession not a whole one inside me. Sometimes sometime such a one has a way of loving which makes a whole one of such a one long enough to hear the whole repeating in such a one as a complete one by some one. Such a one comes then sometime to be a whole one and then one loses the whole one repeating of them and they are pieces then of repeating and always it is changing back to pieces of repeating from the little time of loving that a little time makes of them a whole one. There are very many of them and this is now a little a description of the nature in this kind of them, this is now a little a description of learning to know them to make of them a complete one.
     Every one then sometime is a whole one to me, every one then sometimes is a whole one in me, some of these do not for long times make a whole one to me inside me. Some of them are a whole one in me and then they go to pieces again inside me, repeating comes out of them as pieces to me, pieces of a whole one that only sometimes is a whole one in me.
     There are then a kind of them, a kind of men and women, there are very many of them always living who have it in them to be inside them to be mostly to every one, to be always to mostly every one pieces coming out of them, pieces that never make of them a whole one, not because of complication in them, not because of difficulty of envisaging them but because really such of them are in pieces inside them, always in their living. This kind then of men and women have it to have it to be true of them that nothing in them dominates them, not mind, nor bottom nature in them, nor other nature or natures in them, nor emotion, nor sensitiveness, nor suggestibility, nor practicalness, nor weakness, nor selfishness, nor nervousness, nor egotism, nor desire, nor whimsicalness, nor cleverness, nor ideals, nor stimulation, nor vices, nor indifference, nor beauty, nor eating, nor drinking, nor laziness, nor energy, nor emulation, nor envy, nor malice, nor pleasure, nor skepticism. It is not as it is in some that there is contradictory being in them, there is not in such of these of them domination of anything in them to make contradiction, to make changing of one thing to another in them. Always they are in pieces then but pieces are not disconcerting to them or any one, hardly not puzzling. Some of such of them sometimes then make melodrama of themselves to themselves to hold themselves together to them. Some of such of them make of themselves to themselves and sometimes to other ones that know them a melodrama of themselves to make to themselves each one of themselves a whole one to themselves and sometimes to make of themselves a whole one to others around them. This is a very interesting thing, this is sometimes the explanation of melodrama in some one.
     Some then some men and some women are not whole ones inside me for long times together. Sometime one of such a one was a whole one in me and then it was clear to me why such a kind of one was not for long times continually a whole one in me.
     In first beginning to know such a one if they make of themselves melodrama to make to themselves a whole one of themselves to themselves then such melodrama is very confusing, it is not natural melodrama to them, melodrama in such of them is mostly not a natural way of being, mostly such of them have pride to hide themselves to themselves from knowing that there is not a whole to them, pride to hide this from themselves and from every one. So then melodrama in such a one is confusing. When melodrama is taken from such a one then they remain confusing, there is nothing then to guide any one to know them as a whole then such a one.
     Such a one, now with no melodrama, just there as many pieces to some one, remains confusing, not because they are not acting, not because they are not repeating, they may be acting, every one always is repeating, it is that nothing in them is dominating, they are in pieces to themselves then and to everyone. They have not weakness, nor laziness, nor dullness to make them confusing. They are in pieces, there is not in them anything dominating, not the bottom nature in them, not other nature or natures in them, not confusion in them, not struggle or contradiction, or weakness or indifference in them. So then such a one is puzzling.
     Sometime then as I was saying each one comes to be a whole one to me, sometime then each one comes to be clear inside me, sometimes as I was saying it is slow growing this coming to completed understanding inside me, sometimes it is a quick illumination, sometimes it is a mixture of these two ways of learning knowing, sometimes it is other ways of learning knowing in me.
     As I was saying every one is surely sometime puzzling to me. As I was saying such a one, one being in pieces was a long time puzzling to me. Always this one was in pieces though always loving being was a louder piece than other pieces in that one.
     So then such a one by not going on being a whole one after being illuminated by seeming a whole one by that one's way of loving was not any longer puzzling. This gave to me then an understanding of the being in such ones, such a one then was not together for long times as a whole one to me but to my understanding then from that time on always was a whole one to me.
     Every one then sometime is a whole one to me, every one then always sometime comes to be clear to me, comes to be really a whole one inside me.
     This is clear then that there are many ways of hearing, feeling, seeing repeating come out of every one. Always then I am seeing, hearing, feeling all repeating coming out of every one. Always then sometime every one I am ever knowing comes to be a whole one to me. This is now a little a description of another way of learning one.
     Sometime then every one I know comes to be a whole one to me. Mostly every one comes very slowly to be a whole one inside me. Mostly every one is sometime and sometimes for a very long time a puzzle to me, sometime some one only very slowly comes to be a puzzle to me. Sometimes some one is never really a puzzle to me, sometimes some one suddenly comes to be a whole one to me. Often now when I know as much as I know now of kinds of men and women, some men some women come to be quickly a whole one to me, mostly still yet they come very slowly to be whole ones to me, mostly yet each one is a long time a puzzle to me, earlier every one mostly came very slowly to be a whole one to me, sometimes then some one came suddenly and soon to be a whole one in me, sometimes then some one was never really a puzzle to me. This then is another way of learning in me. This is now then a little a description of such a learning of one, one who was not really more than for the time of intensely looking for one time of seeing a puzzle to me.
     This is now a little description of learning quickly, one.
     There was one, I knew some things about this one, I knew a number of things about this one, I had heard descriptions of this one, I was interested but not more than I am in every one. I was not then very much interested in this one. As I was saying I had heard descriptions of this one, they were ordinary descriptions, they were not very interesting, they had not very much meaning. Then I saw this one, then I looked intensely at this one, then this one was a whole one to me. Then the whole being of this one was inside me, it was then as possession of me. I could not get it out from inside me, it gave new meanings to many things, it made a meaning to me of damnation. I had then to tell it to this one, that was the only way to loosen myself from this one who was a whole one in me. I had then to tell this one of the meaning in damnation that this one being a whole one inside me had made clear to me. Always then later this one was a whole one to me, it was then a gentler possession of me inside me than when this one first was a whole one inside me, a damned one to me. It was still true to me later inside me the whole of this one hut it did not then possess me. This is then one way of learning a whole one, by seeing them completely by one long looking at them. This is now a little more description of this one and being possessed by this one as a whole one inside me. To begin again then.
     There are many that I know and they know it. Very often I tell it, mostly I must tell it, sometimes I tell it because I like to hear it, sometimes I have to tell it to loose myself from it. This one was one that I knew then and I made this one know it. I told it then to loose myself from it. Mostly very slowly each one I know comes to be a whole one to me, mostly I tell it then because I like to hear it, sometimes I write it, sometimes I tell some one else, not then, about it. Mostly I tell it and I write it, mostly I tell it or I write it, there are many that I know and they know it. Mostly in some way I tell it.
     This one then very soon knew it, very soon then I had had to tell it. This is now some more description of it.
     There are many that I know and they know it, they are all of them repeating and I hear it, sometimes I tell it, mostly I tell it, there are many that I know, they are all of them repeating and I hear it, sometimes I see a whole being in it, sometime, always, I see the whole being in it. There are many that I know and they know it, sometimes they soon know it, sometimes I soon tell it, sometimes I wait a long time to tell it, sometimes I slowly tell it. There are many that I know and mostly always sometime they know it.
     There are many that I know, they are all of them repeating and I see it, feel it, hear it. Always I listen to it and look at it and feel it, sometime always I understand it. There are many that I know and they know it, sometime each one is a whole one to me, mostly then I tell it, sometimes it is a long time before I tell it, sometimes I tell it as soon as I know it, sometimes I begin to tell it before I really know it, sometimes I tell it puzzling at it, sometimes I slowly tell it. There are many ways then of learning the whole one each one is from the repeating always coming out of each one. There are many ways of telling it to each one what is the whole of them, there are many ways of telling it about them what is the whole being in each one. Sometime, then, each one is a whole one to me, I was just now beginning telling about one. As I was saying this one was not one I ever thought about or felt before I knew this one as a whole one. This is interesting then as one way of learning. This was interesting then as a way of telling for then this one possessed me by my feeling the whole being that made all this one's repeating and I had to tell this one the whole being that was the whole of this one, the whole meaning of the repeating that was the being of this one so as to free myself from the possession this one's whole being being inside me then had of me. This now is to be a little more description of the being in this one and the feeling in me in learning the whole being of this one and the meaning of the repeating of this one and the telling of my knowing it and what I knew, to this one.
     There are many that I know and they know it. This time I knew it and suffered in it and was possessed by it, the knowledge of it, and I told it to this one to free myself from it. This is a little more description of my knowing it and of my telling it, and some description of what I knew and what I told of the whole being in this one always coming out as repeating from this one.
     There are many that I know and they know it. This one I knew quickly and then I told it and then this one knew it and this is now a little history of all of it.
     There are many kinds of men and women and I know it, each one is a real one to me, each one sometimes is a whole one to me, they repeat it and I hear it and I see it and I feel it, each one sometime is a whole one to me, sometime, always, I tell it.