The Makeover (53 page)

Phoenix was
staggered as she stared at Cedric, whose eyes were leaking tears of pain. 
His face was flushed as he continued to gulp the drink.  “You really cared
for her, huh?”

Cedric glanced
at Phoenix’s drawn face and nodded.  “I don’t want to make you more mad,
but yeah.  I fell in love with her.”

Phoenix bit her
lip.  “I can tell, if she got you to get a job, think about enrolling in
college classes, and propose after getting her pregnant.  She got you to
do more for her in a few months than I could get you to do for me in two
years.”

Cedric
scratched the back of his head as he said, “Yeah, I could say the same about
that Brazilian dude.  He got you to do more for
yourself
in a few
months than I ever did in two years.”

Phoenix
blinked. 
Huh.

Phoenix and
Cedric continued to stare at each other, as he sat there drinking. 

“She really
broke your heart, huh?”  Phoenix started to feel the tiny crumbs of
something she was desperate to brush away—compassion.

“Yeah,” Cedric
shivered.  “She left me.  And I can’t stay in the apartment anymore
either.  I didn’t know her parents were paying the rent on a
month-to-month basis since she was supposed to go back home next month.  I
was just giving her money towards the bills when I got paid, like five hundred
a month.  She took it, but I guess she spent it on herself ‘cause her rent
was being paid by her father.  I didn’t know there wasn’t a lease.  I
tried to ask the landlord when she left how much it was and if I could
stay.  He said he’d give me a lease if I give him a security deposit for
the apartment, along with the next month’s rent.  Ain’t no way I can pay
twelve hundred a month to live near Columbia in a one bedroom by myself. 
I can’t even hurry and get a roommate. ”

“You
do
know
that’s almost how much I pay here, right?  I paid eleven hundred a month,
plus another three hundred in utilities and expenses, by myself, the whole time
you lived here,” Phoenix said.  “And I didn’t have a dollar of yours to
contribute the whole time
and
gave you money.  If I could do that,
you can pay your rent for your own apartment.”

“Yeah, but you
forget I have child support,” Cedric whined.  “As it is, they’re now
taking out three hundred a check, which leaves me with seven hundred every two
weeks.  And you know his mom ain’t ever work, so I put him on my health
insurance cause he needs speech therapy from this place that doesn’t take
Medicaid and…” He sighed.  “And so, technically, I bring home like
six-something every two weeks.  I can’t pay twelve hundred, plus
utilities, and living expenses with that.”

Usually, at
that point, the psychologist in her would be using self-actualization
techniques to counsel Cedric on finding concrete solutions to solve his
problems.  She would tell him to find an apartment that he could share
with someone, and to find a speech therapist that accepted Medicaid, so that he
would not have to pay for health insurance for his son.  She would
recommend he get a second job or suggest he move into a rooming house instead,
where he would pay roughly one hundred fifty dollars a week, similar to the one
he had been living in when he met her.  She would even suggest that since
he had plans to attend classes full time at Columbia, he look into on or
off-campus housing through their network.

But she
refused.

“So what are
you going to do?” Phoenix crossed her arms. 

“I
gotta
move,” he slurred, looking up to give her a half
smile.  “I
gotta
move to someplace.”

“Hmmm.” 
Phoenix shook her head as the truth dawned on her.  “And you figured you’d
come here and tell me you loved and missed me and that maybe I’d let you move
back here?”

Cedric didn’t
answer.

“I guess the
weight loss was just a bonus, huh?”

“I didn’t say—”

“And you need
to say it because I just got off the short yellow bus, is that it?  I am
mentally retarded, and can’t think, or put two and two together?”

Cedric balled up
a fist.  “You are jumping to conclusions.”

Phoenix looked
at his balled fist.  “What?  You want to hit me?  You come to my
house telling me you missed me and still love me, when all along you had plans
of using me to be your security blanket? 
Again! 
Are you
kidding me?”

Cedric poured
himself yet another drink. 

“And to make
matters worse, you were under the impression that I was still involved with
Paulo.  You planned to come here and what?  Steal me away from him so
you could use me again?”

“I was hoping
you wanted to make things work because…” Cedric gulped his drink, and stared
down at his glass.

“Because
what?  Because you’re used to that in our relationship, right?  You
are used to me loving you so much, and so hard, that I am willing to accept anything,
do anything, forgive anything, and maintain everything in order to have you in
my life.   You were banking on that!” Phoenix raged.  “You sure
are feeling yourself.”

“So why did you
let me in?” Cedric eyed Phoenix with new interest.  “If you figured I had
something up my sleeve, why did you bother?”

“I don’t know,”
Phoenix answered sadly.  “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I guess
I wanted to rub my transformation in your face and make you see what you’ve
lost.”

Cedric
snickered.

“What’s so funny?”
Phoenix demanded.

“You. 
Me.  Both of us,” Cedric continued to laugh as the alcohol took
effect.  “I know you.  You can be real big on payback.  You were
gonna
try some revenge mess on me, right?  
Even though you got Brave Boy in your life, you’ve been thinking about getting
back at me all this time, ain’t you?”

Phoenix flushed
as she looked away.

“Oh whose being
quiet now?” Cedric sneered.  “So you always tell me I’m a user. 
Maybe I am.  And I am not going to lie.  You do have a real big
heart.  But you was always about teaching somebody a lesson.  What
lesson you learn, Phoenix?”

“Don’t try to
turn this around on me!” Phoenix shouted, jumping out of her chair to get close
to Cedric’s face.  “You are such a phony!  You act all educated and
polite one minute, then back into your slang-slinging, street-boy mentality the
next.  Make up your mind about who you are and what you want! 
Besides, I am not the one who came looking for you, trying to worm my way back
into your house to use someone, just because I thought I could!  I
wouldn’t even be feeling like that if you hadn’t—”

Cedric also
jumped off his perch on the couch.  “What?”  Taken what you offered
me? Why wouldn’t I?” Cedric said, before polishing off the last of his
drink.   “You was so willing to give it to me, why wouldn’t I take
it?” He started to sway on his feet.  He flopped back down on the couch
and reached for the last of the vodka.

“I don’t think
you should have another—” Phoenix began, concerned with the red flush in
Cedric’s face.

“Don’t tell me
what to do.  It’s, what, my sixth?  Big deal.  I could kill this
whole fifth of Grey Goose by myself!  I’m a grown man!  You know
that!”  He laughed as he dumped the rest of the liquor and cranberry into
his glass.  He took another huge gulp, belched, and sighed in
satisfaction.  Suddenly he turned to Phoenix and asked, “You sitting there
judging me, but you ever been hungry?”

“Depends on
what you mean by hungry.”

“I mean
hungry…” Cedric burst into laughter before slapping a palm against his forehead. 
“You ain’t been hungry! 
Yo
, what am I talking
about?  We both know you ain’t never skipped a meal in your life….until
now!”

Phoenix’s rage
pulsed at her throat as she watched Cedric fall back on the couch, screaming in
laughter at his own cruel joke.

“Well, I’ve
been hungry Phoenix.  There were times my
moms
wasn’t working after my pops left, and we were eating crackers and ketchup for
dinner.  Did you ever know that?”

“No,” Phoenix
snapped.  “All this time and you never wanted to share your past with me. 
Don’t bother giving me a sob story now, Cedric.  I lived in the projects
too, and we struggled after my father left us as well.”

“Yeah, but your
mom always had a job.  Your grandma used to sew and make cakes for money
too.  You told me that you and your brother worked since y’all were
teenagers.  You said since you saw your mom and grandmother working, you
always knew you had to work to get ahead.”  Cedric reached out for the
bottle of vodka and tilted it to his mouth to get the last few drops. 

Phoenix was
over the vodka already.  She got up, snatched the bottle out of his hands,
and flung it across the room.  “It’s empty, for crying out loud!” she
shouted.

Cedric merely
reached for her drink.    

When he finished
it, he tried to place her glass on the coffee table, but missed, and it
shattered on the parquet floor.

Phoenix
fumed.  “I am not picking that mess up.”

“My bad,”
Cedric answered.  “So you don’t know what it is to be hungry, right? 
My moms, she was never somebody who worked.  She was always about getting
on the government assistance.  She had a secretary certificate and hardly
worked a day in her life.  My pops used to work at some warehouse, but he
made most of his money running numbers.  When he left, that money he
brought in left too.  I tried to do what I could.  At like, eight, I
was helping Mom by stealing food.  I was
pickpocketing
by ten.  I was out at twelve selling weed and running errands for the
pickup boys, trying to feed us.  My two aunts moved in, one after the
other, and they ain’t work either.  By then, I had to look out for my mom,
grandmother, two aunts, and
their
kids, since I was the oldest in the
house.  My older brother got locked up at sixteen when I was nine. 
He’s
still
in prison—”

“Serving life,
right?  He robbed that jewelry store and shot that lady?” Phoenix sighed
through her question, not understanding how she ended up in a counseling
session with the man who had broken her heart.

“Yeah. 
Shot that Korean lady right in the head.  He ain’t eligible for parole for
another two years.”

“I know.”

“I got in
trouble too.  I stole cars and clothes, electronics.  And I’d get
popped.  In between times of
juvie
and jail,
whenever I was out, I was the one trying to take care of everybody. 
Nobody ever, in my life, took care of me.  Nobody.  I would get into
trouble trying to help Mom’s family and you’d think she’d try to get me a
lawyer?  Get a job to help me out?  You think she’d visit me and
bring me something?  Nope.”  Cedric sneered.  “Don’t get me
started on my chicken-head aunts and grandmother.”

Phoenix shut
her eyes against the pity that was flooding her soul.  “I didn’t know
about your upbringing cause you’d get mad at me whenever I asked.  All you
ever spoke about was your son’s mother’s issues with—”

But Cedric
continued as if in a trance.  “When I was like twenty, I met my kid’s
mom.  She was sweet and sexy and I fell in love with her.  She talked
about her life, and it was just like mine.  We would talk about getting
our GED and going to college and getting off the streets.   She
inspired me to get my first actual job.  We ain’t have much, but I didn’t
want to end up in prison for the rest of my young life, so I started working at
Jimmy Jazz clothing store.  I didn’t make a lot but remember feeling good
that I was actually
working. 
I got up every day and didn’t have to
worry about it being the day I would get caught.  I just went to work and
made my money.”

“How did it go?”
Phoenix asked, resigned to the fact that his litany was leading somewhere.

“It was
cool.  Even when my boys tried to get me to do some back door deals with
them, I didn’t.  I wasn’t trying to do nothing to get into trouble. 
I figured, if I hang in there, and work with my son’s mother as a team, maybe
we’d get ahead.   I got my GED and kept the job.  I kept waiting
for her to do the same.  One year, two years, three years and she was
still sitting at home, with other chicken heads on the block, smoking weed. I
started losing feelings and respect for her, but when she got pregnant, I
figured, okay, she will have the baby and be motivated to do something with
herself.  She didn’t do it for herself, or for me, like I did for her, but
maybe she’ll do it for our boy.  Nope!”  Cedric let out a strange
cackle.

“She wanted you
to sell drugs right?” Phoenix prompted.

“Yup. 
See, her girls were rocking all the high-end labels ‘cause their men were
living the street life.  She wanted the same.  She didn’t ever think
she should get her education, work, and earn those things.  She just
wanted the easy life.  She sat back collecting my check, collecting her
government check, and doing her little hustles on the side.  She didn’t
work, go to school, or nothing.  She used to do hair at the house
sometimes, but even stopped doing that.  All she did was sit home and
complain about how I wasn’t bringing home enough.  I realized she was just
like my mom, my grandmother, and my aunts.”

“Basically
every woman you’ve ever known.” Phoenix was exhausted and figured the more she
helped Cedric speak, the faster his story would be over.

Cedric
nodded.  “So I left her.  I realized I had to do something or I would
end up making a wrong move.  Either I was
gonna
let her talk me into some foolishness or kill her for draining me.  After
I broke up with her, I kept bringing her stuff for my son every single
week.  I brought her cash too, but when I saw how she would use it for her
hair and nails, I stopped bringing her cash.  I would bring groceries,
clothes, shoes, toys, whatever she needed.  I didn’t save receipts because
I never thought I would ever need them.”