The Makeover (35 page)

“That must have
been a real blessing,” Phoenix said, patting his shoulder.

“It was. 
One morning, after I spent half an hour crying on his shoulder, he invited me
to church.  I went with him one Tuesday evening after work.  I knew I
should have gone straight home to my wife, but I couldn’t.  I needed an
outlet.  I knew if I had to deal with another tense evening, I would do something
crazy.  I had always believed in God, but didn’t exactly have a
relationship with Him, you know? I heard a sermon about how Jesus can heal any
situation and I felt like that sermon gave me hope.  That very night, I
poured my heart out to Jesus.  Right then, at the altar, I cried about my
wife, but also for myself.  I confessed that I was lost, a sinner, and
helpless to manage my own life or my marriage.  I promised God that if He
healed me and my wife, somehow, I would serve Him for the rest of my life. 
After getting saved, I plunged into the Bible and church services right
away.  About three weeks later, I bought Liz.  After service, I took
her to the prayer team and they prayed for her.  A week after that, she
got saved!”

Phoenix smiled
at the joy she heard in Paulo’s voice.  “That’s great!”

“It was. 
And for a year, my wife got better.  She kept on her meds and went to
church.  She even took on a job in data entry, working from home, just to
be productive.  She began making plans for graduate school.  Like
you, she wanted her doctorate so she could help others overcome what she was
going through.  But towards the end of the year, something happened.”

Phoenix knew
where the story was headed, but she asked anyway.  “What happened?”

“Liz again
began to resent the side effects of her new meds.  Although they kept her
moods stable, she gained even more weight and didn’t have energy for much more
than work and church.  The new set of meds made her hungry all the
time.  I also took to staying home and had gotten really heavy—as you saw
in my picture.  All we did was work, eat, go to church, eat, and eat and
eat.  The food was a huge stress reliever, you know?  We weren’t
drinking or hanging out.  But as I said, one day I realized we had not
been intimate in weeks—and not because of her illness, but because we didn’t
have energy to do anything besides eat!  After hearing a sermon about
taking care of our bodies, which are temples of the Holy Spirit, I felt like
God was speaking to me.  I also believed I had the answer to help Liz. 
I began to work out and eat healthy, encouraging Liz to do so as well.  I
lost seventy pounds and she lost sixty in about eight months.  She began
to feel really good about herself again.  She kept saying she didn’t want
to continue on
psychotropics
, so I began to look for
options.   I also started to hate how those medications failed us and
affected her.  I started studying holistic medicines.  We kept
praying for God to heal her but I continued to search for ways to help her. 
I figured between prayer, exercise, and herbal remedies, she would be fine…” He
blinked rapidly, attempting to stop his tears.  “I had all the plans and I
just knew I could help save my wife.”

Phoenix stroked
his head when his voice became strained. 

Paulo cleared his
throat.  He wrapped his arms around Phoenix tightly, as if he was trying
to draw strength from her.  “And for a while, it looked like my efforts
were working.   She seemed fine for several more months, until she
crashed again into a severe depression.  Few days later, she was manic
again.  She refused to take the herbal meds or the
psychotropics
.
 I used to get impatient with her and yell at her, but I was sure I could
help her…
my way. 
And one day, I found out I was wrong.”

“What did she
do?”  Phoenix ran her hand through his curly hair.

“One morning,
after two nights of her spending all night pacing, talking to herself, and
breaking up our furniture, I’d had enough.  I knew that the hospital had
not helped her at all, so I was determined to help her myself.  I just had
no idea how at that point.  I got out of bed—having had no sleep—and was
so frustrated with her.  I didn’t speak to her at all that morning. 
When I didn’t pay her attention, she began to cry.  She accused me of
thinking of her as a burden.  When I didn’t deny it, she tried to initiate
intimacy, but I pushed her away.  She ended up crying, threatening to kill
herself if I didn’t show her any love…” his voice broke.

Phoenix
continued to stroke Paulo’s face and hair, as he collected himself.

“But I ignored
her.  She always would talk of dying or hurting herself when she got
manic.  Frankly I was dry.  I had nothing more for her.  I just
wanted to get away from her.  When she threw herself at my feet,
threatening to harm herself if I left, I simply stepped around her and went out
to take my morning walk and to pray.  I begged God to end her suffering,
to heal her supernaturally.  I told God I would not live my life in that
way.  I asked Him either to heal her or take her out of my life.  I
knew that marriage was for in sickness and in health, but I felt I would die if
things went on that way, and I let God know it.  Now, the whole time I was
praying, I had a feeling to go back home to check on her, but I wouldn’t. 
I just
wouldn’t
.  I felt I deserved to take a breather before
having to return home to make a decision about her.  After walking around
for an hour, I returned.  When I did, I found her lying on the bedroom
floor.  She had taken two bottles of pills.  I tried CPR and called
9-1-1.  But she was gone.”

Phoenix pulled
Paulo closer to her as he breathed.  She rubbed his back and his head,
just trying to bring him comfort.  Even though she was trained to help
people process such trauma and grief, she knew he needed her love and not her
counseling.

After a few
minutes, Paulo pulled away with a small smile.  “So my wife died.  I
was so depressed myself, and bitter, that I contemplated killing myself and
joining her wherever she was.  I figured it was my fault for leaving her
alone that morning and for trying to handle what was beyond my control.  I
had failed her and felt an eternity in hell was the least of what I deserved.”

“How did you
get past those feelings?” Phoenix asked, blinking back her tears.

Paulo gave her
a shaky smile.  “I was comforted when my pastor assured me that she was
with the Lord.  He said that she was not a person condemned for having
committed suicide, but a woman who had been a victim of mental illness. 
He said that since she had been saved, Liz was with the Lord, and finally at
peace.  And I tell you, God saved me by sending the pastor to reassure me
of this.  I had been so afraid that she was in hell or something. 
The thought of that hurt worse than her suicide.  The Lord used my pastor
to prevent me from losing my faith.  In all of my thirty-six years, that
was the worst thing I’ve ever lived through.  Since then, God has been
healing me, strengthening me, and using me in ways I could never imagine—

“I can see
that, P.”

  Paulo
smiled.  “I still feel horrible about that day, about the words I said,
and the thoughts I had.  I understand now that God chose to allow her to
die.  He could have stopped it.  Perhaps that was His way of healing
her.  I don’t know.  I do know that He has been giving me a peace
that surpasses all understanding.  Praise God.”

Phoenix
marveled at the way this man could share the story of his wife, who had
committed suicide, after battling a long illness, in one breath, only to praise
God with the next.  There was so much she wanted to ask and to share but
didn’t, knowing it wasn’t the time.  So instead, she continued to hold
him. 

Together, they
held each other, watching the serene water, each lost to their own thoughts.

On the drive
home, an hour later, Phoenix reached over and kissed Paulo’s cheek.  “I
want to thank you, P.”

Paulo snickered
softly.  “For what?  Bringing your work into our date?”

“For sharing
such a personal story with me.  I also want to thank you for such a
wonderful time—sad story and all.  You are a beautiful man.  Even the
way you hung in there with your wife shows so much about you—and you weren’t
even a Christian when you decided to stay.  You are such a beautiful man,”
she said again. 
And I love you.

Paulo gave her
a sidelong glance, as his heart tightened in his chest.  “And you are such
a beautiful woman.  I know what you do for a living.  Most
psychologists, even though we’re just sharing, would have wanted to analyze me
or counsel me.  You just listened and comforted me.  You heard my
issues and you didn’t run either.  That shows
your
character—and
you weren’t even a practicing Christian when you decided to stay.  You are
such a beautiful woman,” he said again. 
And I love you.

They reached
back to Harlem in record time, with nothing but soft praise music between them
and the comfortable silence of growing love.  Neither one was ready to
tell the other.  But both, however, fully understood their feelings for
the other.

Paulo knew that
this woman was already in his heart, but he also knew he had to slow
down.  He was a Christian, after all, and if Phoenix did not return to the
Lord, he could not pursue the relationship.  No matter what, he was called
to obey God.  And while he was spending time with her, helping her, and
ministering to her, he had to be careful not to be tempted himself, as the Word
of God warned.  He had to make sure to focus on the Lord and to keep his
intentions pure.

But his pure
intentions were the last thing on his mind when he parked his car near
Phoenix’s building. As soon as Paulo helped Phoenix out of the car, and she
looked at him with such a tender look, his lips descended upon hers.  He
kissed her softly, tentatively, each nibble and peck asking her for
permission.  When she wound her arms around his neck, and deepened their
kiss, he knew Phoenix had answered a sweet ‘yes’ right into his soul. 
They kissed passionately for several minutes, until Paulo pulled away, pulsing
in places he had almost forgotten were there.

“Wow,” they
both said, breathlessly, before bursting into nervous chuckles.

“Come on, you
fresh girl,” Paulo said, grabbing her hand to lead her to sit on her
stoop.  He was grateful that on a beautiful late summer night in Harlem,
no one was occupying it or any of the other stoops near her building.  It
was almost as if God had prepared some safe alone time, just for them. 

Thanks, Dad,
Paulo thought affectionately.

Phoenix,
however, was yearning for more kisses, as they sat on the stoop.  “Me?
Fresh? You’re the one who kissed me.”

“And I am about
to do it again,” Paulo whispered, covering her lips with his. 

Paulo finally
pulled away flushed.  He then placed both of his hands on her
cheeks.  He tenderly kissed her forehead, her eyelids, her nose, her chin.
and finally her lips again.

Phoenix felt as
if he had made love to her body just from his kisses.

She sat there,
looking at him, unable to speak.

“What, Baby?”
he whispered.

Phoenix’s heart
threatened to burst.  She began shaking her head. “No.  I can’t.”

“Can’t what,
Baby?” Paulo whispered, kissing both of her cheeks again and then her jaw.

“Please,” she
groaned, in a broken voice.  “Please, I can’t take it.  It’s too
much, P., I can’t do this.  It’s too much.  I feel like I’m going to
burst.”

Paulo swallowed
a laugh.  “What?  What’s too much?”

Phoenix pointed
at the both of them.  “This, all this, this here, what’s going on between
us.  I can’t take it.  I can hardly believe it.  You are too
good to be true.  And I have to ask this question.  I know you’ll be
mad, but I have to know.”

“Phoenix, don’t—”

“
Naw
, Man.  I’m sorry.  You’re gorgeous. 
You’re almost perfect.  What in the world do you see in me?”

Paulo stared at
Phoenix.  “First, I am not almost perfect at all.  Second, why would
you even ask that?”

“Why would I
not?  What do you even see in me?  Even those girls at the restaurant
saw how ridiculous all this is! You should have heard what they were saying in
the bathroom about us.  I thought men are supposed to be visual.  Why
are you being so…so loving to me?”

“Because I can
really see myself loving you…” Paulo answered. 
I already do.

“I don’t get
it.”

Paulo
sighed.  “You don’t get it because you can’t believe someone could really
love you.  You don’t believe it because you don’t love yourself.  You
don’t love yourself because you can’t see how much God loves you.  But you
will see it, Phoenix, because I have been praying for you since the day I first
bumped into you.”

“In the park?”
Phoenix asked, her eyes wide.

“No, Baby, in
this building.  That first day when you were dragging groceries up to your
apartment.  I have been praying for you since then.  It’s hard to
explain, but God will bring that explanation to you one day.  For now,
just know that I care
a lot
about you.  I want to get to know you.
I will help you with your goals.  I know you have to get right with God,
and overcome your own issues, before you can love someone else without
fear.  You also have to get past your issues with your last
relationship.  But I will wait for you, Phoenix, as long as the Lord
allows me to.”

Phoenix felt like
she was swimming through a pool of warm, pristine water as she stared at the
man beside her.  It was a dream, it had to be.  She just couldn’t
believe that this stunning man was interested in her, said he would wait for
her to be ready.  Her heart was turning over in her chest.  She
didn’t want to allow herself to fall for another man, not after what Cedric had
done.  She didn’t want to accept that he could look past her frailties and
flaws and see her for who she was.