The Mail Order Bride's Deception (8 page)

With a nod, she stepped where he indicated and spent the next hour watching as he skinned the elk and then cut up the meat.  Several times, she had to step out of the shed to get some fresh air so she wouldn’t vomit.  She knew this was going to be disgusting, but she had underestimated just how much.  But it was something she needed to know.

This was her new life.  She was up for the challenge.  No matter what she had to do or what she had to overcome, she would do it.
  It was much more preferable than her old life.  Hazel had given her a second chance, and she was going to do everything she could to hold onto it, no matter what.  And if that meant cutting up some meat and fighting back bouts of wanting to throw up, then so be it.

Chapter Eight

Al entered the bedroom that night and saw that Hazel was staring at the ceiling, the blanket pulled halfway up to her chest.  She wore his shirt, but without her chemise, it was easy to see the outline of her breasts.  Forcing his gaze to her face, he smiled.

“I promise it’ll get easier to skin an animal,” he told her.  “Once you get over the blood and smell, there’s nothing to it.”

She directed her gaze to him and smiled.  “Just like changing Gilbert’s diaper?”

“Yes, though I will admit my pa taught me how to preserve animal meat and make things from the skin, so I grew up doing that.”

He removed his clothes
, except for the underwear, and slipped on his nightshirt.  This time, he didn’t ask her if she wanted the light on.  He only dimmed it.  He didn’t know why she wanted the light on, but it was a small thing to oblige her.  Maybe she was afraid of the dark.  Or maybe it hinted at something about her past that she didn’t want to talk about.  Either way, he figured if keeping the light on made her feel safe, he was happy to do it.

He settled into the bed and smiled at her.  “Are you happy here?”

“Yes.” She hesitated then asked, “Are you happy with me being here?”

“Of course I am.” He brought her into his arms and kissed her.  Having taken care of himself just before dawn that morning, he could enter the bed and not be so hard it was uncomfortable.  But even so, he felt the stirring of desire center in his loins and wished he’d taken the time to take care of himself before he came to bed
tonight.  Ending the kiss, he cleared his throat and focused on her beautiful face.  “I just hope you never regret leaving Atlanta to be with me.  I know cutting up an animal is a far cry from having servants at your beck and call.”

“I don’t regret coming here.”

He studied her expression, trying to gauge what it was she wasn’t telling him.  He knew she was happy being here, but there was something under her words that hinted at something unpleasant.  He brushed her cheek.  “What was your life like in Atlanta?”

She shifted against him, probably not meaning to brush her thigh against his erection, but she did and it further aroused him.  He shifted away from her, but she pulled him closer to her.

“We’re in bed,” she whispered, her breasts pressing against his chest and her hips intimately pressed against his.  “Why don’t you consummate the marriage?  We can talk later.”

Before he could respond, she kissed him.  The kiss felt as wonderful as everything else about her, and he found himself giving into the urge to deepen it.  She cupped the side of his face and traced his lower lip with her tongue, slipping into his mouth when he parted his lips for her.  How he wanted to give in and fully enjoy her, to learn what it was like to make love to a woman, to experience the ecstasy of releasing his seed inside her instead of always doing it on
the ground.  He’d only imagined what it’d be like, but it had to be one of the most pleasurable experiences anyone could have.

He traced the curves of her body, recalling how she’d looked when he’d explored her on their wedding night.  He wanted to see her again, of course.  He didn’t think he’d ever get tired of feasting his eyes on her bare flesh, but at the moment he was too caught up in feeling her.  With his eyes closed, he was more aware of the softness of her breasts and the curve of her hip.  His hand went lower and he touched the edge of the shirt.  Slipping his hand under it, he realized she wasn’t wearing anything under it and let out a groan.  She parted her legs and he brought his hand to her most secret place.  When he found her entrance, he slid a finger into it.  Her flesh pulled him in deeper.

Maybe he should consummate their marriage tonight.  She was holding him and encouraging him to continue by interlacing her tongue with his.  Everything seemed to be right.  She was willing to receive him, and it would be a simple thing to pull down his underwear and enter her.  Chances were, he wouldn’t last long.  He already felt close to release.  It would be quick and then her worries about what to expect from this would be resolved.  She’d undoubtedly feel better about facing the uncertainty in the whole thing, and he didn’t want her to keep going through the question of what to expect every time they came to bed.

But something was
n’t right.  Yes, he figured she’d be a little tense since she was nervous, but there seemed to be something deeper than that.  And no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t pin it down.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered as he slid his finger out of her and shifted so that they weren’t so close.  “I just can’t do it.”

“Sure you can.  You’re hard.” Her hand went to his erection and he groaned.  That felt much better than when he touched himself.  She ran her hand down his shaft.  “You’re fully capable of doing it.”

As much as it pained him, he removed her hand.  “The timing isn’t right,” he forced out despite his raspy breathing.

“Sure it is.”

She rolled on top of him and pushed his underwear down.  “I’m ready for you.  I can take you in.”

He stopped her before she could take him inside her.  “No.” He quickly rolled back onto his side, careful that she landed softly on the bed.  “It doesn’t feel right.  It feels like you’re forcing this.”

“That’s ridiculous.  A woman can’t force these things.”

Noting the blush in her cheeks, he paused and tried to think of the best way to explain it.  “You’re not ready.  Emotionally.  You need more time.”

“I need more time?  All I need is to be wet enough for you to get the job done, and I’m wet.  I don’t understand you.  Why did you ask for a mail-order bride if you didn’t plan to do this?  Why not ask for a nanny for your son instead?”

He winced.  “I don’t think of you as a nanny.”

“No?  That’s all I’ve been since I came here.  All I do is take care of Gilbert and tidy up around the house.”

“You’re more than that.  You’re my wife.”

“Then why don’t you treat me like one?”

“I will when the time is right.”

“And when will that be?”

“I don’t know.”

“You don’t know?  I don’t understand you at all.  What’s there to know?  We said the vows.  There’s nothing else to do.”

He tried to explain what he was waiting for, but he didn’t completely understand it himself.  “I’m sorry.  I wish I could explain it, but I can’t.”

She stared at him for a long moment then let out a huff and turned onto her side, her back to him.

The tension was thick in the room, and for the life of him, he couldn’t grasp what he’d said or done to upset her so much.  And he sensed now wasn’t the time to ask.  He’d be better off waiting until tomorrow when everything calmed down.  After a moment, he dared to ask, “Do you want me to sleep somewhere else tonight?”

“That depends on whether or not it’s the right time to do it,” she muttered.

He already knew she wouldn’t let him hold her.  Not tonight anyway.  Turning his back to her, he stared at the wall, wondering what he did to upset her and how he could make it better.

He didn’t fall asleep for a long time.  He wasn’t sure if she did either.  He heard her steady breathing.  So maybe she had.  Several times, he wanted to roll over and hold her, if nothing else than to be reassured that she’d forgive him.  But he didn’t think she’d welcome his touch at the moment so he didn’t.  Finally, he was able to drift off into a fitful sleep.

***

Sadie woke up before Al did the next
morning, and she quietly left the bedroom.  She carried the kerosene lamp out with her since it was still dark out.  He didn’t mind the dark, but she did.  She always wanted to know what was going on around her.  Too many bad things could be hiding in the shadows.

She put some wood in the cookstove to warm up the room then cleaned up around the place, trying to do everything she could to avoid thinking about last night and the argument she’d had with Al.  She didn’t want to argue with him.  The days had been so pleasant since she came here.  But it seemed as if she couldn’t help messing things up.

Why couldn’t he just finish consummating the marriage?  Then she wouldn’t have to keep living in dread of when he’d finally get around to it.  It was worse because she couldn’t tell him why she wanted him to get it over with.  Of all the times she’d spent wishing men wouldn’t need to give into their baser urges, it had to be with the only one who was actually allowed to.

As she dusted the shelves, she reminded herself that Al didn’t know how much she dreaded it.  He thought she was a virgin and, therefore, uncertain of what to expect.  She wished she was a virgin.  Being uncertain would be much easier to cope with.  How she wished she didn’t know the way men used women for their selfish pleasure.

Setting the cloth down, she went over to sit in the rocking chair and placed her face in her hands.  This wasn’t the person she wanted to be.  She was becoming bitter and she didn’t like it.  She’d fought that part of herself from time to time.  It was easy to give in and let bitterness take over.  Then she’d be as cold and unloving as her mother had been when she’d been consumed by bitterness after her father’s death.  So consumed, in fact, that she’d dropped Sadie off and never looked back, despite Sadie’s cries for her to come back.  Or as bitter as Jefferson who used people to get whatever he wanted.  She saw the fruits that came from a life of bitterness.

She shivered.  That wasn’t the kind of person she wanted to be.  She wanted to be a blessing to Al and Gilbert.  She wanted them to be glad whenever they saw her.  She wanted Gilbert to raise his hands in hopes she’d hold him when she entered the room.  She wanted to be worthy of their love.

Releasing her breath, she straightened in the chair and studied the small cabin.  It was still quiet since Al and Gilbert were sleeping.  This place, for all its simplicity, was one of peace.  She could be happy here.  She had been happier here than she’d been since her pa died.  This could be a place of joy and laughter if she’d only open herself to it.

And that meant she’d have to wait for Al to be ready to consummate the marriage.  She couldn’t force it.  She’d just have to go through each day and live with the dread.  It wasn’t a sacrifice.  Not when she had endured having a man take his pleasure with her many nights in the past.  She could do this.  She just needed to stop dwelling on it.

The bedroom door creaked open and she turned her gaze in time to see Al peek out.  Despite the tense argument they’d had, she caught a chuckle rising up in her throat.  “You can come out here,” she whispered so Gilbert wouldn’t wake up.

He opened the door further and stepped into the light.  Too late
, she realized she was only wearing one of his shirts, and that hardly covered her legs.  She cleared her throat and tucked the shirt around her thighs as much as possible.  For some reason, she didn’t feel it was appropriate to be in such a state of undress around him.  Of all the men she might feel a shred of modesty with, she didn’t think it’d be her own husband.

He walked over to her and knelt in front of her.  Taking her hands in his, his gaze met hers.  “I’m sorry.”

It took her a moment to realize he was actually apologizing to her.  “Al, you have nothing to be sorry for.”

“I keep turning you down.  It’s not fair of me to make the judgment of whether or not the time is right for us to be intimate.  If you want to do it, we should.”

“Really?”

“It’s both of us in this marriage.  Your say needs to have equal pull with mine.”

Her initial reaction was relief.  She could get it over with and stop worrying about it.  But then would she be any better than the men who’d forced their will upon her in the past?  It hadn’t mattered to them if she wanted to do it.  They wanted it and that was all they cared about.

She opened her mouth to answer him when Gilbert’s cry came from the other room.

“Let me take care of him this morning,” Al said then rose to his feet.  “You should go back to bed and get some more rest.”

“I’m not tired.  And besides,” she glanced at the window, “the sun’s coming up.”

“Alright, but if you need to rest today, I hope you do, especially since we’re supposed to go to Aunt Betty’s for supper.” He headed for Gilbert’s room then stopped.  “Of course, we don’t have to.  I can always go over there and tell her we’re not coming if you’re too tired.”

She thought about taking him up on his offer since she wasn’t looking forward to meeting a woman who could tell whether or not someone was a good person just by meeting them.  But Al was being so gracious to her, giving her freedoms that she never dreamt a man would give a woman.  The least she could do was meet his friend.  “I want to go,” she finally said.

He smiled.  “She’ll like you.”

As he turned to go to Gilbert’s room, she could only hope he was right.