The Magykal Papers (3 page)

Bookings taken now.

Sturdy shoes recommended.

Umbrellas provided if wet.

T
HE
E
GG-ON
-T
OAST
R
ESTAURANT
G
UIDE

E
ATING IN THE
C
ASTLE

Ma Custard’s Cake Stop

PROPRIETOR:
Ma Custard.

LOCATION:
In the parlor behind the All-Day-All-Night Sweet Shop.

SERVICE:
Slow but worth waiting for.

SPECIALTIES:
Raisin custard pie.

MENU:
A variety of cakes and pies all made by Ma Custard.

WE ATE
: Raisin custard pie, banana toffee cake, custard cream buns, licorice flapjacks, custard fancies, strawberry cupcakes and a small—very small, honestly—chocolate twist.

COMMENTS:
Delicious. Open hours only between four and six in the afternoon. Get there early to be sure of a seat. A well-kept secret.

The Meat Pie & Sausage Cart

PROPRIETOR:
Not surprisingly, he wishes to remain anonymous. However, T
HE
E
GG-ON
-T
OAST
R
ESTAURANT
G
UIDE
can reveal that he is the ex-dishwasher boy from Sally Mullin’s café.

LOCATION:
A mobile facility to be found in the less salubrious areas. Has recently been banned from Wizard Way.

SERVICE:
Surly.

SPECIALTIES:
Sausage-of-the-day. (My brave assistant tried one and got a cat’s claw stuck between her teeth.)

MENU:
Meat pies and sausages.

WE ATE:
Sausage-of-the-day. My assistant ate nothing else for the following three days.

COMMENTS:
Disgusting.

Café la Gringe

JUST OPENED

PROPRIETOR:
Mrs. Theodora Gringe.

LOCATION:
Small, drafty lean-to at the side of the North Gate gatehouse.

SERVICE:
Serve yourself. Three pots of stew kept warm (just) over a small fire.

SPECIALTIES:
Stew.

MENU:
Brown stew, dark brown stew and very dark brown stew.

WE ATE:
Stew.

COMMENTS:
Sharp knives are provided to cut up the stew. You will need them.

Wizard Sandwiches

PROPRIETOR:
We were unable to ascertain this. T
HE
E
GG-ON
-T
OAST
R
ESTAURANT
G
UIDE
was informed that “Wizard Sandwiches does not believe in ownership.”

LOCATION:
First Floor, Number 44 Wizard Way. Green door with flowers next to the Perfect Pamphlet Printers.

SERVICE:
Friendly but sometimes a little confused. Used to run a cart service but is now take-out only, although will deliver. They will accept orders by Message Rat and have regular clients all along Wizard Way.

SPECIALTIES:
Whole loaf sandwiches to share with a friend. Homemade ketchup.

MENU:
We couldn’t find one. When T
HE
E
GG-ON
-T
OAST
R
ESTAURANT
G
UIDE
asked, we were told, “Our menu is infinite, but there’s no ham today.”

WE ATE:
Cheese and salad rolls with apple chutney. A Manuscriptorium scribe was buying a sausage sandwich, which looked very good, but my assistant refused to go near it.

COMMENTS:
Good.

THE
Ramblings

HOW TO GET THERE:

BY BOAT:
Take the Ramblings shuttle from the South Gate to the Ramblings Piers numbers one, two or three.

BY FOOT:
Signs can be found on most streets and alleys.

BY HORSE:
Not advisable. There are no stable facilities at the Ramblings.

WHO LIVES THERE:
All kinds: Families, Wizards, tradespeople, gardeners, frog-farmers, fortune-tellers, actors, acrobats, spies and runaways. It is full, as Queen Etheldredda would say, of all kinds of riffraff.

WHAT YOU’LL FIND THERE:
Rooms, schools, factories, workshops, theaters, a small hospital, Ramblings Chapel, nurseries, shops, bakeries, in fact pretty much everything you could possibly need.

WHY YOU’D GO THERE:
If you need somewhere to live, it’s the best bet in the Castle; there are generally a few rooms vacant. For a visit, it’s fun, full of interesting people and there are some good lodging houses and delightful roof gardens. Interesting experimental plays are performed by the Ramblings Players and the Knights on the Tiles theatrical group. Of course there are some rundown, shadier parts of the Ramblings, but why you would want to go there is your own business and the Guide would not dream of asking.

WHY YOU WOULDN’T:
Best avoided at rush hour, when the passageways can be very congested.

A Ramble through the Ramblings

WALKING TOUR

AS NARRATED BY OUR GUIDE SILAS HEAP

SET DOWN VERBATIM BY MIRIAM BING, AS PRACTICE FOR HER MANUSCRIPTORIUM SPEEDWRITING EXAMINATION

GOOD AFTERNOON, EVERYONE. All here? Yes? Good. Ah, hello, madam, yes we are just about to go. Better late than never, ha ha. Well, now that we
are
all here I would like to draw your attention to the fact that this is the
original
Ramble through the Ramblings Walking Tour. Beware recent inferior expeditions by a certain Sirius Weazal.

It is my pleasure to introduce you to the Ramblings. The Ramblings has been built over hundreds of years to house all the people who have come to live in our lovely Castle. It may seem a little squished to any farmers among you, but those of us who live—or used to live—here love it.

So let’s get started, shall we? Gather around. Yes, around
me
, madam. Thank you. No, madam, I am not the cleaner. I am a Wizard. That’s what the blue robes are. Well, I don’t know what you think a Wizard is
supposed
to look like, but I can assure you that I am indeed a Wizard.

Now, ladies and gentlemen, we begin our tour here at the North Entrance to the Ramblings. This entrance, beside the North Gate, takes you straight into the Ramblings. Follow me, please.

The noise, madam? That is the Ramblings Orange Elementary School. We have seven elementary schools in the Ramblings, each named after a color of the rainbow. My own children went to the Purple School, which has a high proportion of children from
Magykal
families. Of course you all know how
Magyk
was banned under that awful regime of the Supreme Custard Tart—ho ho, just my little joke; we can laugh about it now, but it was no fun at the time.

Now we pass through this large hall, which is where the children play after school. The swings and slides are all provided by the Ramblings Play Association. Excuse me, young man, will you come down from there, please? You’ll break it swinging around like that.

We shall now exit through this passageway—single file, please, as it narrows at the steps—and enter into the residential part of the Ramblings. Be careful of the rushlights,
please.
Look, boy, if you touch one of
course
it will be hot
.

May we continue? Along the passageway you will see a series of doors of all shapes, size and colors. These are the rooms where the families of the Ramblings live.

We shall now ascend the steps—please take care—to the upper corridor that overlooks the river. This has been measured at very nearly three miles in length. To your right is the bright red door where my family used to live. All my children were born here, including the Apprentice to the ExtraOrdinary Wizard, Septimus Heap. Yes, that’s correct, madam, the boy with the dragon. Oh really? Well I’m very sorry, but I don’t think my son has much control over the dragon poo. Yes, I’m sure it was extremely distressing.

Yes, young man, of course you may ask a question. Yes, this is where the Princess lived. She left on her tenth birthday. Bit of a shock, actually. Can we have a look? Well, I don’t see why not. I’ve got a key somewhere. Kept it as a memento…see, fits the lock perfectly…oh this door always did have a mind of its own…open, you stupid door…Oof!

Yes, madam, it does indeed look rather small for a large family. Yes, six boys and a girl. Well, the girl slept in that little cupboard here. Yes, it is cute. Oh my gosh, it still has the curtains Sarah made. Oh dear. Oh. I had quite forgotten. Time to move on now, oh dear, oh dear…

We shall now turn down here, no down here, madam, and take this winding passageway—take care, it slopes down rather sharply. It’s a bit of a walk, but it will take us to the upper market hall, which usually has some interesting produce. No running please, young man. You don’t know who you’ll bump into. There could be the ExtraOrdinary Wizard around the next bend. But we hope not, ho ho!

Right, here we are. Yes, madam, the market hall always smells like this. I think it’s the cheese. Now you may look around at your leisure. We’ll meet at the Home Brew Ale Stall in ten minutes. No rush.

Everyone found a bargain? Good. Now we set off for the Knight on the Tiles Little Theater, taking in Mrs. Tenderfoot’s delightful roof garden on the way. Follow me, please, down this corridor. No, young man, this one. We don’t want you getting lost, do we? Well, possibly we do…ahem, er, you’re his father, are you? Well, I suggest you keep an eye on your son, sir. Everyone, keep left please. Left, madam. The workshops will soon be closing and there will be a bit of a rush.

Right, now we go through this little door here. May I suggest you take a deep breath in, madam, that usually does it. Oh. Can anyone give a push? One, two, three—good. Now we take the high walkway to the roof terrace. Please keep to the middle, as some of the fences are not to be trusted. Yes, it is a long way down, madam. Yes, it’s the river down there. It does indeed look very small comebackfromtheedge! Oh heavens. Would you kindly keep hold of your son, sir, if you wish him to survive another day?

If those of you with a head for heights would care to stop and turn around for a moment, this is a wonderful place to see the Wizard Tower. And the golden Pyramid at the top is looking very stunning today, with the sun glinting off it. The
Magykal
lights, very blue today. They are often purple too, but it does depend on the kind fo
Magyk
happening in the Tower. And for those of you who are early risers, this is a wonderful place to see the sun rise over the Farmlands.

Now, we have reached the common communal roof terrace, a gem of green hidden from the rest of the world. Only the birds can see it. Yes, and dragons, madam. If you will follow me, please, we will walk through the gardens. Please don’t pick the flowers.

Our last port of call is the Theater. Just follow me down the winding steps this way and through this green door here. Everyone here? Good. We are now inside the Knights on the Tiles Little Theater. Yes, it is dark after being outside. No, madam, I don’t know why the rushlights are not lit. I wouldn’t call it a disgrace, exactly, more of an inconvenience. Your eyes will soon get used to it; there is no need whatsoever to panic. Ouch! Oof! What the—

Oh my goodness, it’s you, Larry! Well, how was I to know you were doing a performance? Couldn’t see a thing. What, that was the idea? No, we don’t want to buy tickets. Well, I am very sorry you don’t have an audience, but to tell you the truth I am not surprised. Follow me now, everyone, we are very nearly at the end of our tether. No, madam, I said tour. To
Tour
.

Here Miriam Bing ran out of paper.