The Magnolia Affair (28 page)

Otherwise, I ended up in a situation like this. A random concerned constituent had targeted my sister, thinking there was no other way I was reachable.

I patted my pocket on our walk through the gardens. I should throw the drive in one of the fountains. Let it sink to the bottom under a layer of pennies. Forget about it. Chalk it up to my sister’s bad judgment. Maybe I could get Todd to talk to her about her social media posts and how to handle strangers butting in to political affairs.

But when she finally went to bed and the house was quiet, I tiptoed to the office, fired up the computer, and stuck it in an open port.

I
stared at the screen. I clicked on each of the files until every one of them had been opened. It had to be a sick prank. They were distorted and altered. They had to be. I scanned through them until I had lost count of how many times I had seen them. I grabbed the flash drive and hurled it across the room. I couldn’t think straight. I ran to the bathroom and retched over the toilet. I clung to it, my body attacked by violent shakes. I sat back on my heels, wiping at my mouth with the back of my hand. My tongue felt numb. I heard the blood pumping through my body like the bass in a loud car.

I pulled myself up, my fingers clawing at the edge of the counter. I met my reflection in the mirror. Wreckage. I was nothing but the remains of a person covered in pink skin. The air in my lungs foolishly breathing life into a shell. I placed a hand over my stomach, cupping the smooth roundness that was beginning to protrude.
God, what had I done?

B
reakfast was the usual. Bacon and eggs with toast on the side. The staff chef knew our preferences after only a few weeks at the residence. It was hard to get used to having people on hand to cook for us, or drive us where we needed to go.

“Is Paxton supposed to be home tonight?” Avery asked. I waited for her to mention that she heard me last night, but if she did, she kept it to herself. I could say morning sickness had struck with a vengeance at night.

“Yes. He’ll be driving back after the conference.”

“Can you imagine how boring that must be? An entire convention of governors.” She giggled.

“He takes his role very seriously.” I buttered my toast.

“I know he does. I’m just kidding with you.” She refilled her coffee mug. “Even after being here a night, it’s so hard to believe this is your life. You’re actually married to the governor.” She shook her head. “It’s a little bit like a movie.”

“It does seem like a movie.”

“You’re happy here, aren’t you?”

“Why?”

“I know I was angry with you for a long time—”

I interrupted her. “We don’t have to talk about it.”

“I think we should. You made it through a horrible time. And I couldn’t see it then, but Paxton helped you. I don’t think you would have survived without him. I was just upset about what you had done.”

“And you’re not upset about it anymore? You think what I did was ok?”

She laid her fork down. “I think I understand it now.”

I pressed my lips together. “What changed?”

“I met someone.”

A hard pit formed in my stomach. “Please don’t tell me what I think you’re telling me.”

“What? It worked out for you.” I could see she was trying to repress a smile, but she was struggling to hide her happiness.

“My husband died, Avery. That’s not things working out.”

“I didn’t mean it that way. I-I— Shit. I totally screwed this up. I’m just trying to say that you and Paxton made things work. You found each other in an unconventional way and now you have this amazing life. Things do work out.”

“If you are having an affair with a married man, you need to stop it now.” I glared at her.

“Are you judging me?” My blazing look didn’t intimidate her.

“Just end it.”

“It sounds like you are saying you can do whatever in the hell you want and I can’t. You don’t even know our situation.”

“I don’t need to know it. It’s wrong. You’re better than this. You can find someone who isn’t already taken.”

“That’s what you think. You don’t know because you’ve never had to work to find a guy. They fall at your feet and I’ve never figured out why. Spencer would have done anything you ever wanted. Now you’ve got that all over again. Why can’t you let me have the same thing?”

“A married man can’t give you that.”

“You don’t know him. You don’t know us. You’re always trying to make my life less important than yours. What makes you want me to be miserable?”

“Oh my God, I would never want you to be miserable. That’s crazy.”

“You have a funny way of showing it.”

“Is he a doctor?”

“Yes, and he’s going to leave his wife. And then you’ll see that I can have an amazing marriage too.” She stood from the table. “I think I’m going to leave early.”

I followed her upstairs to the guest room. “Avery, stop being so fucking stubborn. Listen to me for once. If you never do anything else I ever say, fine. Don’t. But this one thing. End it.”

She threw her toothbrush in a bag and tossed it into her suitcase. “I’m not really sure why I thought you’d get it. Clearly, you’re so self-absorbed in your perfect first lady life to remember how you got here. You’re not better than me, Audrey.”

“I
never
said that.”

“You didn’t have to. I saw your reaction when I told you.”

“It’s not like that. I’m trying to protect you. Keep you from getting hurt.” I shadowed her movements while she hurled the rest of her clothes in her bag.

“Because being married to an amazing man and having his baby is something I don’t deserve? You’re unbelievable.” She zipped the suitcase.

“Don’t leave like this. Talk to me.”

“Why? You’re just going to tell me the same things over and over.”

I watched her walk down the hall and storm past the staffer who was placing fresh flowers on the table. I could have run after her. Tried to persuade her to stay another night. Work things out like sisters should. But I let her go. I couldn’t save her. I couldn’t even save myself.

That night I sat on the edge of her bed. She wasn’t a little girl, but she was still a child. She looked small in the monstrous bed. I hadn’t been able to give it the same delicate touch as her room at the beach house. Everything about the mansion felt formal and distant.

I leaned down to kiss her forehead. “Good night. Sweet dreams.” I swallowed hard. I would never dream again. All I could see were the files. I closed my eyes. They were more vivid.

“Is Dad coming back tonight?”

My stomach lurched. “Yes, he’s on his way back right now.” I turned off the lamp. “I’ll see you in the morning.”

“Audrey? Wait. Can I ask you something?”

“Of course. What’s going on?” I sat back on the bed.

“Do you think my mom knows what I’m doing?”

I brushed the hair off her forehead. “What do you mean, honey?”

“Like, can she see me?”

“I guess so. I’m sure she can.”

“I hope so. It makes me feel better. Because then she won’t be so sad. If she knows I’m here with you, then maybe she’s happy too.”

I didn’t know what I believed anymore. “Wherever she is, she’s happy when you’re happy. That I know.”

“She told me you’d take care of me.”

My heart hurt. “Of course I’ll take care of you. I promised your mom and I meant every word.”

“She told me you’re a good person. You’re a good mom for someone who’s never been a mom.”

“I’m trying.” I bit my bottom lip.

“I’ve been thinking of names for you.”

“Names?”

She smiled. It had started happening more often. Her melancholy eyes would spark from time to time, and I knew she was finding bits of happiness in this new life we had given her.

“Yes, for the baby. I mostly know French names, but it could be cool if my little brother or sister had a French name like me too. Want to hear some?”

I nodded in silence. This sweet innocent child whose life had been filled with devastating grief was clinging to the hope of my baby. I sat while she recited her list.

“There was a girl named Josette and I didn’t really like her, but it’s a pretty name for a girl and maybe Jacques for a boy or does that sound weird? It’s not weird in France.”

I listened as she told me all the names of the students in her school. I had never been to France. I always wanted to go. Maybe a French name would be the perfect choice. I tried to imagine what this child would want. This baby Pax and I had created. What would it want?