The Magnificent Rogue (15 page)

“And I will keep to it. I will guard you as I do Gavin.”

“But that’s not enough.” She had to make him understand. “I know I behaved in a weak fashion, and I can understand your disgust, but that’s no reason for you to—You need not offer me protection. I can care for myself, but there’s no reason for you not to be my friend as you are Gavin’s. Carolyn says I always demand too much of people, but no more than I’m willing to give. We could talk and … and laugh and—It would make our time together more harmonious, and I think—”

“Hush.”

“I won’t hush. You cannot push me away again. I tell you that—”

Robert covered her lips with his hand. “I know what you’re saying. You’re saying I don’t have to shelter you under my wing, but I must coo like a peaceful dove whenever I’m around you.”

“I could not imagine you cooing, but I do not think peace and friendship between us is too much to ask.” She blinked rapidly as she moved her head to avoid his hand. “You promised that—”

“I know what I promised, and you have no right to ask more from me. You can’t expect to beckon me close and then have me keep my distance,” he said harshly. “You can’t have it both ways, as you would know if you weren’t—” He broke off. “And don’t
weep
.”

“I’m not weeping.”

“By thunder, you are.”

“I have something in my eye. “You’re not being sensible.”

“I’m being more sensible than you know,” he said
with exasperation. “Why the devil is this so important to you?”

She wasn’t sure herself, but it had something to do with that wondrous feeling of
rightness
she had experienced last night. She had never known it before, and she would not give it up. She tried to put it into words: “I feel as if I’ve been closed up inside for a long time. Now, I want … something else. It will do you no harm to be my friend.”

“That’s not all you want,” he said slowly as he studied her desperate expression. “I don’t think you know what you want. But I do, and I can’t give it to you.”

“You could try.” She drew a deep breath. “Do you think it’s easy for me to ask this of you? It fills me with anger and helplessness, and I
hate
that feeling.”

She wasn’t reaching him. She had to say something that would convince him. Suddenly, the words came tumbling out, words she had never meant to say, expressing emotions she had never realized she felt. “I thought all I’d need would be a house, but now I know there’s something more. I have to have people too. I guess I always knew it, but the house was easier, safer. Can’t you see? I want what you and Gavin and Angus have, and I don’t know if I can find it alone. Sebastian told me I couldn’t have it, but I will. I
will.
” Her hands nervously clenched and unclenched at her sides. “I’m all tight inside. I feel scorched … like a desert. Sebastian made me that way, and I don’t know how to stop. I’m not … at ease with anyone.”

He smiled ironically. “I’ve noticed a certain lack of trust in me, but you seem to have no problem with Gavin.”

“I truly like Gavin, but he can’t change what I am.” She went on eagerly, “But it was different with you last night. I really
talked
to you. You made me feel …” She stopped. She had sacrificed enough of her pride. If this was not enough, she could give no more.

The only emotion she could identify in the multitude of expressions that flickered across his face was frustration. And there was something else, something darker, more intense. He threw up his hands. “All right, I’ll try.”

Joy flooded through her. “Truly?”

“My God, you’re obstinate.”

“It’s the only way to keep what one has. If I hadn’t fought, you’d have walked away.”

“I see.” She had the uneasy feeling he saw more than her words had portended. But she must accept this subtle intrusion of apprehension if she was to be fully accepted by him.

“Do I have to make a solemn vow?” he asked with a quizzical lift of his brows.

“Yes, please. Truly?” she persisted.

“Truly.” Some of the exasperation left his face. “Satisfied?”

“Yes, that’s all I want.”

“Is it?” He smiled crookedly. “That’s not all I want.”

The air between them was suddenly thick and hard to breathe, and Kate could feel the heat burn in her cheeks. She swallowed. “I’m sure you’ll get over that once you become accustomed to thinking of me differently.”

He didn’t answer.

“You’ll see.” She smiled determinedly and quickly changed the subject. “Where is Gavin?”

“In the kitchen fetching food for the trail.”

“I’ll go find him and tell him you wish to leave at—”

“In a moment.” He moved to stand in front of her, lifted the hood of her cape, and framed her face with a gesture that held a possessive intimacy. He looked down at her, holding her gaze. “This is not a wise thing. I don’t know how long I can stand this box you’ve put
me in. All I can promise is that I’ll give you warning when I decide to break down the walls.”

She stared up at him mesmerized, unable to tear her gaze away.

“Do you understand?”

She forced herself to step back, then turned and moved down the hall toward the kitchen. “You’ll change your mind once you realize how it would get in the way,” she tossed back over her shoulder with a touch of bravado. “I’ll be much better as a friend than just a woman for your bed.”

“That premise is open to extensive debate, and one in which you’re not qualified to participate.” He opened the door. “Tell Gavin to give you something to eat while I go to the stable and get the horses.”

He was wrong, she told herself. Everything would be fine once he became accustomed to her. Everything would be just the way it should be. She would dismiss this nagging unease and let herself be as happy as she had been when she awoke this morning.

Gavin looked up when she walked into the kitchen. “Well, you look bright and rested. I’m glad to see it. You nigh scared me to death with your screaming.”

She flushed. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean—”

“I know,” he interrupted with a gentle smile. “It was clear her death was a cruel blow to you.”

“It shouldn’t have been. I behaved most inappropriately.” She changed the subject. “Where is your kinsman?”

“Asleep. Angus came back in the middle of the night, roaring and crowing with glee, and had to toast his cleverness with the rest of that bottle of whiskey I found.”

“His journey was successful?”

“Aye. Five lovely little mares and one stallion.” He set bread and cheese before her. “Eat. Robert wants to be gone from here. We’re too close to the border.”

She picked up the piece of bread and began to nibble at it. “This hurry is all foolishness, you know. Even if anyone realized who I was, it would make no difference.”

“That’s not what Robert thinks.” He sat down opposite her and crossed his legs at the ankle. “And he’s no fool. Do you suppose there’s a possibility he may even know more than a lass who had been buried in the country all her life?”

She grinned and airily waved a hand. “A slight possibility.” Quickly, she finished the bread and cheese and got to her feet. “I’m ready. Let’s be on our way.”

“Such eagerness.” He studied her. “I wouldn’t know you were the same lass as yesterday.”

“I’m not. I feel different.”

“How?”

She wasn’t sure herself. It was difficult to separate and identify the elements of this strange, euphoric mood. It wasn’t only that she had won the battle with Robert. She felt free.… No, that wasn’t it. She had not felt a sense of liberty when Robert had turned up the collar of her cape. She had felt cosseted, guarded, and robbed of the responsibility she had felt all her life. It was as if a great burden had been lifted from her, and the lack of that load brought a giddy sense of exhilaration. She would probably not tolerate that cosseting for any length of time, but for now it brought a rare pleasure.

She smiled brilliantly. “It’s hard to explain.” She turned and moved toward the door. “Let’s go. Robert is waiting.”

They came within sight of the Grampians four days later. The mountains rose stark and wild in the distance, their crests wreathed in mist, the steep slopes only sparsely covered with vegetation.

“Well?”

She found Robert’s gaze fastened on her face.

“They look … lonely.”

“A curious word. I thought you would be more intimidated. Most people find our Highlands less than hospitable.”

“What is that dark brown plant on the slopes? I’ve never seen it before.”

“Because it grows principally in Scotland.” Robert smiled. “Heather has the good sense to gift us Scots with most of its beauty and bounty.”

“Beauty?” Kate made a face as she looked at the scraggly growth. “It’s ugly.”

“You think so? I’ll wager you change your mind.”

She shook her head doubtfully. “And it looks prickly. How does it feel?”

He chuckled as he shook his head. “I’m sure you’ll find out for yourself. You must have stopped a dozen times today to look at or touch something. I’ve never seen anyone as curious as you are.”

“I just want to
know
things. I’ve never traveled before, and everything seems so … so new.” It was more than that, she thought. She herself felt new. It was as if everything within her was stretching, growing, reaching out to touch and see and be. There were still times when she would feel the old fear, tightness, and anger coming back, but those moments were coming more and more infrequently.

“And I suppose you never displayed this trait before?”

She made a face. “Well, Carolyn did say once that I was overly inquisitive. But that was after—Well, never mind. There’s nothing wrong with being interested in everything, is there?”

For an instant she thought his expression held a hint of tenderness. “No, there’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Then what bounty?”

He frowned in puzzlement.

“You said heather gave most of her bounty to Scots.”

“Oh, heather serves a multitude of purposes. It feeds our souls and our senses and even our need for forgetfulness on occasion.” He shot a mischievous glance at Gavin. “Isn’t that true? I remember the night before we left Craighdhu, you imbibed so much of our heather ale that I doubt you remember anything about that leavetaking.”

“You’re wrong. I remember playing the pipes and then you throwing me off the bridge into the moat.”

“At least I kept everyone else from drowning you. You play the pipes only tolerably when sober; when drunk, you’re a disaster.”

“I was going into battle. It was entirely suitable to play the pipes,” Gavin protested. “And it’s not kind of you to reveal my sins to Kate when I’ve been trying to convince her what a fine guide I’ll be on this rocky road of marriage she’s treading.”

“Just as long as you don’t try to lead her after you’ve had a few cups of ale. I’d hate to be forced to pull both of you out of the moat.”

She had never seen him like this, teasing, his expression alight with humor. She instinctively guided Rachel closer, to bask in that warmth. “I’m surprised you don’t think even drunkenness laudable if performed by a Scot.”

“Excess is never laudable, but it’s understandable.”

“As long as it’s done by the people of Craighdhu.”

He laughed. “Aye, now you’re beginning to understand.”

He was being so open, she decided to venture more. “And by you?”

“I never indulge in heather ale.”

“Why not?”

“Good God, will your questions never cease?” He answered her just the same. “Because I always drink too deep.”

He was drinking deep now, she realized suddenly. He was breathing in the cold air, tasting the flavors and scents of this place, this time. She suddenly wanted to reach out and touch him, join with all the other sensations that were surrounding him, feeding him. “Only of heather ale?”

She knew at once the words were a mistake. She had desired only to draw closer, to find out more about him, but she had subtly shifted the delicate balance between them. He glanced at her, and something flickered in his face. “No, I have a tendency to embrace all excesses, and therefore must never tempt myself too strongly.” He kicked his horse into a gallop. “Let’s see if we can make a better time than this snail’s pace. God knows once we leave the Lowlands, that piebald will keep us creeping along.”

She glanced back at Caird. The derogatory remark was not unjustified, but it was the first Robert had made since they had left Angus’s manor. “It’s not his fault,” she told Gavin, since Robert was now far ahead. “He’s doing his best.”

“His best may not be good enough. We would have been deep in those mountains by this time if he hadn’t been along,” Gavin said. “And Robert’s right. Once we get higher, the thin air will slow him down even more. The mountains aren’t kind to the old or weak.”

“Then we must be that much more kind ourselves.”

Kindness. Her glance went back to Robert. He had been kind to her during these past days. He had answered her questions, he had been polite and courteous … and kind. It was not enough. She would just have to try harder to draw nearer to him, to find out everything about him so that she could make him give her the warmth and joy she had known that night. If she had not been so clumsy, she might have made a great
stride today, but instead she had reminded him of that side of his nature she wanted him to forget.

She would just have to try harder.

“Pull your blanket up higher,” Robert said, his gaze on the girth he was repairing. “The wind is sharpening.”

“I’m fine,” Kate said drowsily, her gaze on his hands. Beautiful hands, she thought, the long fingers clever and facile. She lifted her stare to his face. The planes of his cheek were hollowed in the firelight, his eyes narrowed as they focused on the leather.

He put the girth down, pulled the blanket higher around her shoulders, and then picked up his work again. The action was done matter-of-factly, almost absently, but contentment rippled through her. Tucked beneath the falcon’s wings, she thought dreamily. It was a caring gesture, like one of a hundred he had made in the last two days. He still did not treat her with the same ease he did Gavin, but there was closeness and nurturing and sometimes even laughter. She was drawing nearer to Robert every day.