The Love Story (The Things We Can't Change Book 4) (12 page)

“I can drive you home,” she mumbles quietly, tailing me to the front door.

“It’s okay,” I say it as gently as I can, trying to be sensitive of her feelings. “I’ll walk. I want you to think about what I said.” I pause, wondering what else I can say to challenge her. Because I know with Evie, a challenge is much more effective than a calm request. It comes to me in a flash. “It really boils down to one thing, Evie.”

“Yeah? And that is?” She’s crying again but trying to hide it.

I meet her eyes steadily, trying not to flinch at the tears as I ask, “Being a coward, can or can’t change?”

Evangeline

96

When the doorbell rings at eleven that night, I sprint for the stairs and almost fall down them in my haste. It’s Zeke. It has to be. He’s changed his mind and he’s not going to leave me to fend for myself. I trip over a shoe in the entryway and fall to one knee before catching my balance. I pause before the door and toss my hair back and wipe at my cheeks, trying to erase evidence of the four-hour crying jag I’ve been on.

I can’t do anything about the redness or puffiness of my eyes, but dry cheeks will have to do. I fling open the door and find myself staring into green eyes—just not the ones that I expected.

Jenny is standing on my front porch.

She looks, to be honest, nearly as bad as I do. She’s pale underneath her freckles and summer tan, circles under her red eyes that weren’t there at school today. She’s visibly trembling and my instant reaction is one of concern.

“Jenny! Are you all right?”

I look cautiously out over the driveway, worried someone was chasing her or something else strange. Or, the now-always suspicious part of my brain wonders, if Chantal, Grace, and Tiffany are hiding in the bushes, ready to throw something smelly on me or egg my house. But I can see nothing out of the ordinary, just Jenny’s white Hyandai in the driveway.

My gaze returns to Jenny herself. “What’s wrong?” I repeat. I want to invite her in but part of me is still holding back, mistrustful.

“Evie,” she says, her voice just as shaky as the rest of her. She expels a long, trembling breath and says my name again before the rest of her words come tumbling out in a rush. “Evie, I am so, so sorry. For everything. For all I’ve done and everything I… everything I
haven’t
done. I’ve been the worst best friend that ever existed.” Tears stream down her face and her voice is thick and throaty with sobs. Hiccups jerk her shoulders back sharply.

I want to stop her, to tell her that I understand and it’s okay, but I don’t. Some things simply have to be said. And to be honest, I’m not sure yet if it’s okay or not.

“I didn’t even guess,” Jenny continues. “At all. And then I just let you deal with it alone. And then I failed you again when your dad died. You two were so close and… and I loved him too. And then school started again and I never even defended you, not once. Not to their faces and not even in private. I’m a coward, Evie. I’m… I’m just as bad as Tony. Worse, even, because I did nothing to stop it.”

She takes in a long, shuddering breath, her eyes fighting to leave mine. But she never breaks my gaze and I have to give her credit for that.

“It wasn’t real to me until I saw you today in the bathroom.
Years
, Evie. You were with Tony for years and I never even guessed. I was your best friend. I was supposed to be there for you through it all and I didn’t even guess that you were going through something like that. I failed you, so many times. I hate myself for it and I know you probably hate me too. But I
had
to say I was sorry. Especially after today. I just can’t even imagine…” she trails off, biting her lip and crossing her arms over her chest.

I stare at her, my thoughts all in a jumble. Jenny
did
fail me. I don’t hold her not guessing what was happening against her; if my own father didn’t even know then how can I blame my best friend, especially when I held her at a distance? But the way she followed Tiffany, the way she wasn’t there for me afterward, or during my father’s death,
that
hurt. That I do hold against her.

“I needed you,” I whisper, my own voice deep and pitchy, tears stinging at my eyes yet again. “I needed you so badly this summer, Jenny.”

“I know,” she says, breaking eye contact for the first time but not by looking away. Her eyes close, squeezing tightly shut and tears tumble out. She puts a hand up to cover her eyes, her shoulders shaking with sobs. “I know and I can’t say anything but that I’m sorry, Evie. I’m so, so sorry. And I’m here now.”

I teeter on the threshold for one long, heavy moment. Part of me, the vicious part, wants to give Jenny a bit of her own medicine. Tell her I don’t accept her apology and slam the door in her face, let her do some of the suffering for a change. But I know I can’t be that vindictive. It would make me little better than Tony. And I realize that what I need in this moment, after Zeke’s talk this afternoon, more than anything, is a friend. And now one has, quite literally, shown up on my doorstep.

Fate.

I can’t believe that it’s anything else.

I look at Jenny as she cries and know that everything she says is in earnest. That she really
didn’t
understand it, the depth of it all, until today. And maybe Zeke has a point. Maybe it’s time I tried. Tried and actually put effort behind it, behind getting over my own cowardice and insecurities.

And so even though it makes me sweat, gives me the shakes for a reason aside from my tears and it takes me a few tries to actually do it, I step forward and I put my arms around Jenny.

I pull her tightly against me, touching her, letting her touch me. And we squeeze each other for all we’re worth.

“Were you at dance or something?” I ask once we finally make it back into the entryway and our crying is under control. She’s still wearing a stretchy tank top and black leggings. We’re both still sniffling and red-eyed and I have the crazy urge to laugh. A giggle escapes.

Jenny looks at me with an abashed smile as she sniffles and wipes at her cheek. “Yeah. It’s the fall lock-in, remember? I was supposed to help but Madame Bella kicked me out. She said I was useless to her tonight.”

I give a shudder that has nothing to do with sadness. “I don’t miss being under her thumb at all. Those lock-ins would have scarred me for life if you hadn’t been there with me.”

“She gets better as you get older,” Jenny comments softly as I close the door. “Heart of gold underneath a spine of steel and all that. I’m lucky she hasn’t revoked my teaching privileges, but none of us have really been the same since Cindy… since…” she trails off and we both take a deep, shuddery breath.

“A lot of us haven’t been the same since Cindy died,” I agree quietly.

We’re both quiet for a long moment and then Jenny makes a visible effort to change the subject.

“You were already crying when you got the door,” she says softly. “What happened?”

“Oh, that.” My prior problems all come flooding back and tears prickle at my eyes all over again. Damn. I’d have thought I’d run out of them by now. “Zeke kind of… broke up with me today.”

“
What
?” Jenny exclaims. “But… but you guys are soul mates!”

I can’t help it. I laugh even as the tears come faster. “Probably not soul mates. But I guess we’re not really broken up. We’re on a ‘break.’” I make quotation marks in the air but the effort feels limp.

“A break,” Jenny scoffs. “Seriously? Why do boys always think they can soften the blow by calling it that?”

“No,” I insist, feeling a sob work its way up my throat. “He’s right. I have to do something and I think he’s right.”

“Still, that’s garbage,” Jenny insists and it feels so good to have a friend who automatically takes my side, regardless of the argument or if I’m right or wrong. I’ve missed this, having a girlfriend at my side.

She takes a step closer as the first sob escapes me and her long, lithe dancer’s body enfolds me, a comforting feeling I’d almost forgotten. Jenny stands a whole head taller than me, like most people do, and I let myself enjoy the feeling of being mothered as she strokes my hair.

“Hey, hey, don’t cry,” she murmurs. “I may have failed you the past six months but this is one situation that I, as a best friend with newly re-sworn loyalty to you, feel fully equipped to handle. I have just the thing for a break up.”

Jenny grabs my hand and pulls me back out of the house to her car. I tense at first at the grip on my hand, but then I make the choice to let her lead and follow her outside.

An hour later we’ve shut ourselves into the basement with three grocery bags of junk food spread out on the floor around us and the opening titles of
Titanic
playing on the big screen television.

“So, let me see if I actually understand all this,” Jenny says as she carefully sorts a five-pound bag of Skittles into smaller bowls by color. “Zeke broke up with you… so you could learn to stand up for yourself.”

“Yes.” I sigh, debating salty over sweet and finally breaking open a bag of Doritos.

Jenny makes a face. “That is so stupid.”

“No,” I say with another sigh. “It actually makes sense.”

“Enlighten me. Please.” Skittles sorted, Jenny reaches for a tub of vanilla icing and a bag of jumbo pretzels. “Because from where I’m sitting, that’s like, reckless abandonment or something. How does he expect you to stand up to those bitches on your own?”

“That’s just it. I
should
be able to stand up to them all alone. Zeke knows that and he thinks I’m leaning on him too much.”

“He’s your boyfriend! You’re supposed to be able to lean on him!”

“I wasn’t just leaning on him. I was… using him as a crutch. And that’s no good.”

Jenny is looking at me blankly and I try to think of the words to explain it to her. I realize that there’s no way to do it but by telling the truth. Jenny came to me. She apologized and offered help and if she really
does
want to help, then she’s going to have to endure hearing the truth. And I’m going to have to tell it to her.

I take a deep, bracing breath. “My relationship with Tony was all about control,” I say bluntly. “About how much control he had over me and how little I had over him. And about him proving that control to me. I couldn’t ever make a wrong move, put one foot wrong or he would punish me. Most of it was about him. His ego, his image, his… masculinity. I had to dress a certain way, do my hair a certain way, act a certain way and always be subservient to him. Living like that for as long as I did, it’s hard to break the patterns and the hold he had over me.”

Jenny is wide-eyed, a pretzel halfway to her mouth but stock still as she stares at me. I plunge onward.

“I did a lot of work on that this summer, with Zeke’s help. I thought I was healed, completely and utterly healed. But as soon as Zeke and I started dating, I realized that even though Tony’s hold over me was mostly gone, habits can be hard to break. I was reacting to my relationship with Zeke the same way I did with Tony. I was handling it the same way. I gave him all the power and I did everything in
my
power to please him and tried not to make a single misstep that would make him angry. And Zeke saw that and that’s why he said we needed to take a break. He said that I wasn’t ready and he wanted to give me the time to become ready.”

“I think I’m beginning to understand,” Jenny whispers slowly.

I nod soberly. “He’s right. It’s not just about standing up to Tiffany and the others, although that’s probably the first step. But I can’t be in a relationship if I crumble down when my boyfriend tells me he doesn’t like my hair. I know that sounds stupid and so junior high, but it’s real to me. I know Zeke would never hurt me or punish me for it, but the mentality is still there. The way I drop everything to be with him and just follow him blindly. I want to be a strong person, Jenny. I want to be like my dad.”

Jenny leans forward and grabs my hand, squeezing it tightly. “And you will be, Evie. I promise you. We’ll get you there, together. I promise. I’ll help you.”

“But how?” I cry plaintively, tears stinging my eyes yet again. “I don’t even know where to start and I told Zeke that! I can’t even stand to be close enough to touch them. I don’t even know why I’m scared of them. I just
am
.”

“You’re scared of them because they’re bullies and because they’ve made you believe they have some kind of control over you,” Jenny says firmly. “And we just have to start by breaking that control. Both of us, because I have that problem too. And then maybe that will help you realize how to resolve your situation with Zeke.”

“Okay, okay.” I take a breath to get myself back under control and then crack open a can of Dr. Pepper, the zing of carbonation in my throat making my eyes sting for an entirely new reason. I cough and splutter for a moment and wipe at my eyes. “How do we start, then?”

Jenny slumps over and attacks her icing with renewed vigor. “I haven’t the slightest idea.”

“Right.” I sigh yet again and we sit in comfortable silence for a while, gorging ourselves and watching the movie.