The Love Series Complete Box Set (94 page)

“Wow, yeah, that would be great, Evan.” I’ve really come to like Evan this past week based solely upon how he treats my mom, but seeing that he wants to do something nice for me as well, that he wants to develop a relationship with me too, makes me soften to him even more.

The rest of the drive is filled with laughter and fun conversation. And when we pull into the parking lot at my building, I’m happy to see Cammie, Lia and Peyton’s cars are already in the lot. Evan carries my bags for me, and Mom and I walk up to the suite before him. I lean into her side and whisper into her ear, “I like him.”

She smiles coyly in return and replies, “So do I.”

Hearing our girlish giggles, Evan clears his throat. “What are you two laughing at up there?”

We say, “Oh, nothing,” at the same time which only adds to our little giggling fit.

When we walk into the suite, the girls are busy doing a whole lot of nothing. Actually they’re lounging on the couch sipping cosmos, watching my
Sex and the City
DVDs. When they realize that Mom and Evan are with me, they get a little nervous. That nervousness evaporates immediately when Mom claps her hands excitedly and runs to the couch. “Oooo, is this the one when Mr. Big and Aiden have that pissing match and wrestle in the mud?”

Lia and Cammie move to the sides of the couch and make room for Mom to slide in between them. It doesn’t take long for the three of them to start arguing over who Carrie should be with. It’s a pointless conversation, really. Because after all of the hardships and trials, Carrie ends up right where she belongs—in the arms of her true love.

Cammie, Lia and Peyton are all over twenty-one, but even if they weren’t, Mom would never turn down a girl’s night like this. I’m not going to say that my mom condones underage drinking, but she’s not naive. I won’t lay out all of the times I’ve been drunk, but she knows this is not my first drink and she seems fine with it.

I call out from the kitchen, “Mom, can I make you a drink?”

She peers over the back of the couch and looks at Evan. “Is it okay if we stay for a while, Ev?”

Evan’s lips quirk up into a goofy smile. I doubt he likes the idea of spending a night with some cosmo-drinking,
Sex and the City
-watching twenty-somethings, but, I see it in his eyes—he’d do anything to make Mom happy.

“Of course we can stay. I’ll run out to Wegman’s and grab something to make for dinner while you girls enjoy your sex show, or whatever the hell it is.”

As I walk him to the door, I say, “Thank you” and plant a quick kiss to his cheek. I think the display of affection catches him off guard, but he smiles at me nonetheless.

After I hand Mom her drink, I make my way over to the large armchair where Peyton is sitting and she moves to the side, making room for me to wiggle in. She squeezes my knee and we share a knowing smile. I feel like this week has done me good and I think she sees that change in me.

When the episode wraps up, Lia situates herself so that she can make eye contact with all of us. “So, I’ve got good news.” We all eye her cautiously. “Good news” with Lia can mean that she picked up a cute pair of shoes on sale.

When she doesn’t say anything right away, Cammie holds her hands out in front of her. “Care to share it with us?” she prompts.

“I found us all an apartment for the summer and for next year! Off-campus housing, here we come!” Lia pumps her fists into the air, but my eyes immediately go to my mom. Can I really spend the whole summer away from her?

Mom looks directly at me and mouths the words, “It’s okay,” before saying aloud to the group, “That’s fantastic, Lia. You girls will have so much fun! Where is it?”

“It’s right behind the school on Coddington Road, right across the street from that cute little Italian place,” Lia answers Mom’s question and I know exactly what house she’s talking about because the Italian place that she’s talking about is Bella’s.

All of us chat excitedly about the possibilities that this new beginning will bring. While we’re making our second round of drinks, Evan comes in with some groceries and immediately begins cooking a quick meal of chicken fajitas and rice.

Before I even realize it, it’s time to say goodnight to Mom and Evan. I really loved having them here and I silently vow to make a much more concerted effort to both visit home and have them here more often.

I giggle as I watch Evan help a slightly stumbling Mom into his SUV. Thinking back over this week and how much it has healed my heart, I’m sad to see her go, but so happy to know that she’s got Evan now. Burying the last few weeks behind me, I’m suddenly looking forward to next few weeks and the hope that dangles out on the horizon.

Chapter 13

June 2013

By some miracle, and with a lot of Peyton’s help, I manage to pull my grades out of the gutter and I finish my first year of college with a 3.4 average. Not my best work, but all things considered, I’m more than pleased with the results. I’ve actually surprised myself in recent weeks with the whole “you don’t have to be perfect all the time” routine. A lot has changed since spring break, in fact. The most important change has been that I’ve actually grown to like myself much more than I used to. I’ve learned to forgive myself over what happened with Bryan. I still haven’t worked up the nerve to talk to him, though. I walked past the lab the other day. I didn’t expect him to be there so as I peered into the large window-lined wall of the lab as I walked past, I nearly tripped over my own two feet when his sad brown eyes met mine.

I wanted to go to him and ask him a million questions. How are things with his parents? How is Emmie doing? Is he excited about graduating? What are his plans for the summer?

Does he miss me?

But instead of doing that, I offered up a tight smile and a small wave. He nodded in return and then promptly busied himself with something on his computer. Part of me couldn’t help but wonder if he was just touching random keys to avoid looking at me.

I miss him a lot. But it’s not in that silly, pining, teenage girl way. I miss him in a way that actually hurts my bones. I didn’t realize it back when we were together, but the way he made me feel about myself was more than just special. And, no, I’m not talking about the physical stuff. He helped me see the value in myself that I should have seen a long time ago. He loved me not because he had to, but because he wanted to. And, yeah, I hate myself for having ruined that love, but it served as an epiphany of sorts. I was loved despite the flaws I thought I had, and in the process of growing that love, I found out that what I saw as some of my worst flaws were actually some of my greatest assets. I just wish I could have one more chance; I wish I could get a do over with him—with us.

I’ve thought about telling him what I learned from Tyler, but I just haven’t been able to work up the courage. I’m not sure that it would make a difference anyway. I want to think it will change how he feels about me, like it will allow him to forgive me, but then his words about learning to love myself ring in my ears and I chicken out on talking to him again.

I’ve changed, but can I really say that I love everything about who I am?

Can anyone
ever
love everything about themselves?

Maybe the best you can hope for is learning how to appreciate who you are without paying much attention to who you aren’t.

Maybe that’s how I’ve changed the most. I’ve learned to love myself for who I am instead of hating myself for who I’m not.

And no, not all of my new-found self-appreciation has come from Bryan; that wouldn’t really be true self-appreciation anyway. I’ve done a lot of soul-searching and I learned to no longer define myself by my flaws. Everyone has flaws. I refuse to be defined by mere imperfections.

I think a large part of being able to forgive and love myself has come from talking to Mom too. I no longer feel like I’ve been a burden to her all these years. Seeing her with Evan has lightened my heart. In a way, it’s like I was holding back allowing myself to be happy until I knew she was happy.

I love that she’s moving on, and in a way, it’s given me permission to let go and move on as well. Well, move in actually. It’s our last week in the suite and I am more than excited to move into our new apartment.

Cammie, on the other hand, is not so happy. It’s her sad face that I see as I return to the suite from getting lunch with Peyton. She had to go work at the tutoring center and Lia is out shopping. I have no clue what else that girl could possibly need. When I asked her, she said “New clothes for the apartment, silly.” Of course! Why hadn’t I thought of that?

Rather glumly, Cammie is packing up some dishes and silverware in the kitchen. As I close the door behind me, I walk over to her and hop up onto the pale blue Formica counter. “Based on the look on your face, I guess he’s sticking by his decision, huh?” I pull a tortilla chip from the half-eaten bag on the counter next to me and crunch on it as she contemplates her answer.

Leaning back against the counter, she grabs a chip and bites into it rather forcefully. Crossing her arms over her chest, she sighs. A resigned look flits across her pretty face. “Yeah, he is. I know it’s what’s best for him, but I hate the idea of being apart from him for a whole year.”

I jump down from the counter and grab two bottles of water out of the fridge. Handing her one, I say, “But you’ll visit him and he’ll visit you. Chicago isn’t
that
far. Besides, when you graduate, you can move there with him.”

Huffing a sigh again, she concedes. “I know. I know. I’m being a total girl over this. It’s just that we’ve been together for five years now and we’ve never been more than a two hour drive away from each other.” Sipping her water, she adds, “And now he’s going to be starting a huge part of his life without me and it’s scary.”

Jack will be moving to Chicago in just a few weeks to start his two-year grad-school program for Physical Therapy. At the end of it, he’ll be a real doctor and everything. It’s weird to think of Solo-cup-filling Jack being called Dr. Parker.

I wrap my arm around her shoulder and give her a tight squeeze. “Cammie, you two are the strongest couple I have ever met. While it might take some getting used to, I know that you’ll make it.”

Lia takes this opportunity to barrel through the door carrying way too many bags for her own good. “Did you leave anything behind for anyone else?” I joke as I help her with the bags.

“Oh, shut it! I got lots of stuff for the apartment. I want it to be pretty,” Lia declares as she starts pulling scented candles and colorful vases out of the bags. There’s no denying it; the girl has a serious sense of style. I am more than willing to let her decorate our place for us.

“This is all really pretty,” I remark as I let a purple table runner glide through my fingers.

“I know! I’m good, right?” she says proudly.

“Did you ever think about doing anything with it? Your talent, I mean? Oh, you could go on one of those ‘be the next big name designer’ TV shows or something like that.” Lia takes my wisecrack in jest and just laughs at me.

As she’s wrapping a glass bowl in newspaper, she replies to my question. “Actually, I have thought about doing something about it. It turns out with just a few extra classes, in addition to my fashion design degree, I can also be a certified interior designer.”

Cammie squeals with delight, her face beaming with pride for her cousin. “Omigod, Lia. That would be perfect for you!”

Not that I didn’t think it wouldn’t be, but I know that with Lia’s touch our apartment is going to be much more than that. It is going to be a home and I can’t wait to move in there. The three of us spend the rest of the afternoon packing up the suite getting lost in the memories and excited about the future.

Moving sucks. Jack and a few of his friends helped us with all of the boxes, and since the apartment is furnished, we didn’t have too much heavy lifting, but still—this sucks. We’ve spent the last few days cleaning everything. Counters, floors, rugs, windows. I mean the place was sort of clean when we came to see it a few weeks ago, but then the shit must have hit the fan—or the old tenants threw one huge-ass party.

We’ve only been here for about a week or so, but already it feels like a home. It also helps that it is actually a home. We’re renting a small single-level home. With four medium-sized bedrooms, a large living and dining room combo and a fairly new kitchen, it’s nothing like the suite and everything like a real house. With a lot of elbow grease and Lia’s decorative touch, the place is finally done. I fold up the final empty box and tie up the last garbage bag and take them down to the curb where the other garbage is piled high.

I’m a sweaty mess today. Wearing rolled up sweats and a beat up, hot pink tank top, I know I look like a hot mess. But, stepping out into the hot sun of the early summer, I feel new and alive. Scanning the small flowerbed to the side of the front stoop, I see that it’s overgrown with weeds and decide that it too needs be fresh and new.

Hell, I’m filthy already. What’s a little more dirt?