The Love of Her Life (19 page)

September 2003

Kate didn’t want a big white wedding. She was pretty unsure about the idea of receptions, cakes, big pouffy white dresses, and all that, in general. And she certainly hadn’t wanted an engagement party, but Sean had been really keen.

Afterwards, neither she nor Sean could remember why they had selected a bar on a cobbled side road off Old Street, clear across town from a) their respective flats b) their friends’ flats c) where they went out d) everything else. But at the time it seemed like a good idea, the upstairs room of a bar-cum-pub with new dark shiny floorboards, fuschia flock-patterned wallpaper on one wall only, a steel and glass chandelier and a host of stroppy, Hoxton-fin-wearing bar-staff who were anxious to let you know that, actually, they were really training to be an actor/studying film/doing a degree/recording an album. They did this by looking askance at anyone who ordered a drink and by loudly dropping names to each other as they turned to the wall to make the drinks.

‘They said it was like Almodóvar.’

‘I’m meeting this guy who knows this girl Pam who worked at the National Film School.’

‘Apparently it’s too meta-textual. Yes, what do you want? A mojito? We don’t actually do cocktails. Have a look at the bar list please.’

Kate was wearing emerald green silk T-bar shoes, which were making her uncomfortable but happy, and a caramel-brown silk shift dress with huge pockets at the sides, which Juliet, the fashion editor at
Venus
, had been sent the day before. She’d given it to Kate, with a kiss. ‘Wear it tomorrow!’ she’d said. ‘It was made to be worn, not hanging around our sample cupboard for weeks on end. Come on! It’s your night.’

As she waited to be served at the bar, Kate thought of how kind Juliet had been, how kind everyone was, and she looked around her, at the crowded room, humming and buzzing with people she loved. There were Zoe and Steve, Betty, Francesca, Bobbie, Jem, and her old gang from
Woman’s
World
, Sophie and Jo and George, in a corner with Charly who was holding court, and Sue Jordan and her husband Alec, and all the lovely new people from
Venus
, Claire and Juliet and Tom – even Priscilla was being nice. Perhaps it
had
been a good idea, after all.

But she hadn’t wanted all the attention. They had decided they weren’t getting married for at least a year, until they’d found a place and Sean had left his job and found something better. On the subject of the party, Kate had ummed and aahed through the summer, through all her friends’ congratulations, as other things took precedence. Sean had rung his mother in Texas about her engagement ring, which he wanted to give Kate. Zoe had her baby, Henry, always known as Harry, and she and Steve bought the flat upstairs, meaning they owned a House, and had a Baby, both of which were great, but really scary. Betty got a job in New York, and had a leaving party, which took the pressure off Kate,
she’d thought, except everyone at the party sided with Sean and kept saying, Why aren’t you having an engagement party?

Then Sean was given the perfect piece of ammunition because, in early September, Venetia rang, and announced that she and Oscar were coming to London in a couple of weeks. One of Oscar’s musicals was transferring and they were spending a month in town. Was she having a party, because then would be the perfect time?

So … they were having the party. And now here they were, together again – and Kate never got to say this word, it was weird, rolling it around in her head – her parents. Her father and Lisa, her mother and Oscar, and it made her love Oscar more than ever that he, normally content in the shadow, was taking the conversational lead, gently flirting with Lisa, his hand always present on Venetia’s back, just letting her know he was there.

Lisa was laughing at something Oscar had said, sliding her fingers carefully between the blow-dried locks of hair that framed her face, when Daniel leant forward and said something to Venetia, in a low voice. Kate watched, absolutely fascinated, as Lisa caught Daniel’s hand and held it behind her. He clutched it tightly. But he was looking at his ex-wife, and she at him, and they were smiling into each other’s eyes, like a couple of teenagers.

Kate hadn’t seen her mother since she and Sean had visited her in New York, just before she’d started her job at
Venus
. She always forgot how beautiful Venetia was. She didn’t look anything like Kate, despite Oscar’s frequent avowals. ‘You could be
sisters
! Sisters, I tell you! Venetia, I can’t believe you have a grown-up daughter!’ It was true that Venetia looked much younger than her ex-husband, however – but that was because she was, and it shocked Kate to see them next to each other, to realize just how big
the age gap was between her parents, how young her mother must have been when she married her father.

The last time Kate had seen her parents together, was on her fourteenth birthday.

She leant on the bar and felt very grown-up, for a moment, as she watched them. It was strange, thinking they were her parents, when it had been so long since she’d thought of herself as part of a family, member of a unit. Very strange. It made her feel funny; like she didn’t know herself again.

She looked around for her fiancé – what a weird word, again, all these weird words she was having to say, parents and engagement and fiancé – and found him, in the corner of the room, laughing loudly with his buddies, in that trumpeting way men in groups have.

His eyes met hers and she looked mock-annoyed with him, then shook her head as he waggled his fingers, motioning something and mouthing, ‘Do you want me to come over?’ But she was quite happy here, she realized, standing on her own, at the corner of the room, relatively unwatched, anonymous, for a few moments at least.

‘Yes, what can I get you?’ An unsmiling barman flicked a glance at Kate, jolting her back to reality.

‘Did you just tell someone you weren’t doing mojitos?’

‘Yes, that’s right.’ The barman looked hugely, hugely annoyed to be so questioned in this manner.

‘Um – sorry. You’re supposed to be,’ said Kate. ‘When we booked the room they told us we could have three different cocktails. That was one of them.’

The black-haired Hoxton-finner didn’t blink. ‘We can’t do them now. It’s just beer and wine.’

‘But we paid for free cocktails for everyone.’

‘Well, there isn’t any.’

‘Any what?’ said Kate, staying calm.

‘Mint?’ he said, a sneering tone in his voice.

Kate turned so she was facing him, and rested both her elbows on the bar. ‘Here’s the booking confirmation, and here’s my credit card,’ she said, and she smiled politely at him. ‘I’m sorry if you don’t have any mint, but either go out and get some, or give me the deposit back. Otherwise I’ll go downstairs and talk to your manager.’

He didn’t even snarl, he simply accepted the will of the greater force, in the dog-eat-dog world of new London, turned, and went downstairs. Kate breathed out, and wished he’d got her a drink before he left.

‘My god,’ said a voice behind her, in an amused tone. ‘Look at you. Who the hell are you?’

Kate froze. She knew that voice. She would know it anywhere.

‘Mac!’ Kate said, with genuine pleasure. She stood on tiptoe, flung her arms around him, and he hugged her, tightly. She could feel her heart, hammering in her chest, as he clutched her to him, briefly. She hoped it wasn’t obvious. Don’t be flustered, she told herself. You knew he was coming.

‘Hey,’ Mac said, releasing her and stepping back. ‘Thanks for letting me come.’ He rubbed the back of his neck. ‘I’d booked the flight already, didn’t realize it was tonight – you know.’ He looked awkward.

‘Don’t be silly!’ She smiled at him, assuming the easy, carefree note she had told herself she was going to adopt with him. It was easier that way. ‘You’re staying with them, you could hardly have just sat in by yourself with Harry and the babysitter.’

‘I could have, actually, he’s with my parents, they’re the babysitters,’ he said. Kate watched him as he spoke. ‘God, how on earth are you, Kate? I haven’t seen you since – when was it?’

‘Since the wedding,’ she said. ‘Nearly a year.’

‘We only seem to meet on momentous occasions,’ he said. ‘Housewarming-cum-engagement parties, weddings – and now look what’s happened since I’ve been away.’

The bartender took this opportunity to appear again, slamming a mojito down on the counter with an injured air.

‘Mint’s on its way, I’ll add it in a minute.’

‘Thanks,’ said Kate. ‘Thank you very much.’ She smiled politely at him as his eyes narrowed in suspicion. ‘Cheers,’ she said, turning to Mac and raising her glass. He clinked it with his own, looking curiously at her.

‘The Kate Miller I used to know would never have done that,’ Mac said. He leaned against the bar so he was facing her. He touched her arm lightly. ‘The Kate Miller I knew hardly used to say boo to a goose.’

‘Rubbish,’ said Kate, and she laughed. ‘The Kate Miller you knew you knew for one night.’

‘That’s not true. We spent the morning together as well, if I remember rightly,’ he said, conversationally. Kate looked around, anxiously, not wanting anyone to hear. He followed her gaze and shook his head, smiling. As if he knew what she was thinking.

He had no idea, really though. No idea how, when she had heard Mac was down in London for the weekend,
this
weekend, and had to be invited to the party, how it had shaken her to know he’d be there on this night, the very night she’d resisted having for months. He had no idea that she sometimes thought of him, late at night, lying in bed alone when Sean wasn’t there, or when he was next to her, breathing heavily, moonlight falling into her tiny bedroom. That she wondered how he was, was he OK, was he happy, not working too hard? Strange, so strange, to feel such tenderness, protectiveness, towards someone you hardly knew. She wondered what might have been. Not every day,
of course not … but she wondered. And he had no idea, she hoped, how it felt to see him standing in front of her now, tall and rangy, with his cropped brown hair, his bitten nails, his deep green eyes.

Kate shook her head, willing away the thoughts inside there. Keep it light, remember what you told yourself. She glanced round casually, checking for Sean. ‘Do you think anyone ever worked it out?’ she asked, curiously. ‘Us, I mean.’

‘I never told anyone,’ he said quietly. ‘Did you?’

She was silent for a moment. ‘I didn’t,’ she said. ‘Well, Sean. But he doesn’t count.’

‘Doesn’t he?’

‘You know what I mean,’ she said. ‘It was – it’s in the past, isn’t it.’ She sounded rather prim, like a schoolteacher, and she hated it. She felt uncomfortable.

‘Heartless woman.’ Mac banged his fist theatrically on the wooden surface of the bar. It broke the tension. She stared at him, helplessly, and laughed. ‘You started going out with your flatmate and now you’re marrying him, just to prove a point to me. Whereas I had to move to a cold inhospitable city with no friends and hear second-hand from my own brother about how much in love with Sean you were. It’s all about the pointscoring with you isn’t it, you young hussy. I know the real reason for this farce of an engagement party.’

‘Oh dear,’ said Kate, laughing again, and standing on one foot, then on the other. ‘I’m very sorry.’

‘I’ll forgive you,’ he said, with that old, strange stare of his that she remembered. Silence enveloped them as they stood together. ‘Everything else OK, though?’ Mac said, quietly. ‘Sounds like it.’

‘Brilliant, thanks,’ she said, turning to him, her face alight. ‘Just brilliant.’

‘I’m so glad,’ Mac told her. He squeezed her arm, his big
hand wrapping itself above her elbow. ‘It all worked out for the best, didn’t it?’

‘Yes I think so,’ said Kate. ‘I think so.’ She watched his profile, allowing herself to stare once again at that wide, generous face, the hint of stubble on his jaw, the shadows under his eyes. ‘Anyway – how are you? Zoe mentioned you might be moving, is that true?’

‘Back down here? Not sure. Just had an offer from a hospital in South London.’

‘Wouldn’t you miss Edinburgh?’

‘In some ways,’ said Mac. ‘Not in others. I haven’t decided yet, that’s why I’m down this weekend, seeing them again.’ Kate nodded. ‘I love it up there, but I’m a bit lonely, sometimes, you know? Since Alice and I split up.’

‘Alice?’ she said stupidly.

‘My ex.’ Mac turned suddenly to the barman.

‘Your ex. I didn’t know –’

‘What,’ he said. He turned towards her suddenly, his eyes searching her face. ‘You didn’t know I had a girlfriend? Ever? There have been others, you know, Kate.’

She didn’t know why his tone had changed, suddenly. ‘I know, Zoe told me –’

His eyes flashed at her. ‘Ah, did she? And you’ve been eating yourself away with jealousy, I know.’

One foot, the other foot, feeling uncomfortable. ‘Um,’ she began. ‘Well, I hope you move down,’ she said.

‘I’m not sure,’ he said, finishing his drink in one gulp. He wiped his mouth with the back of his hand and stood there, looking at her. ‘I’m not sure it’s the right move yet.’ He paused. ‘God, Kate, I’m sorry. But it’s so good to see you.’

‘You too,’ said Kate, her heart racing again. ‘Really – you too. I’m glad, you know – it was awful that we never did …’ She trailed off, not knowing how to go on, afraid to go on. The cosy world she was cocooned in, this bright and
friendly party, her parents and their spouses talking easily over there – all of it seemed skewed, false, unreal, all of a sudden. She didn’t know why, didn’t know why. Gathering herself together, she took a deep breath.

‘I’d better go and find Sean,’ she said.

‘Yes,’ said Mac.

‘So I’ll see you later.’

‘I’d like that,’ said Mac. He cleared his throat. ‘Hey. I really need a drink. Mojito, large, lots of mint when you’ve got a minute, please,’ he said to the barman.

‘Coming right up, mate,’ said the barman, and Kate slumped back against the bar.

‘God,’ she said.

‘What?’ Mac asked.

‘I hate you,’ Kate said. ‘He didn’t listen to me, he completely ignored me. I have no bar presence. And you come along and say “Jump,” and he says, “How High.”’