The Lost Language of Cranes (16 page)

He read on.
Mr. Olliphant's Orphanage
was dedicated, unmysteriously, "to G."
Mr. Olliphant's Orangery
even less mysteriously, "to G.B. with love." Only two left. Warily he opened
Questa
and read, "Once again, for Geoffrey"—a sequence that was in and of itself something of a history. And now only one book,
The Radioactive Erector-Set,
remained that he possessed, the only one Philip hadn't finished. It must be dedicated to Eliot. How could Derek Moulthorp have not dedicated at least one book to his beloved son, who would have been by that time thirteen years old?

He opened the book and read the dedication: "For Eliot—if he wants it." No more, just those words. Philip closed the book. Well, he thought, that's what I was looking for. "If he wants it." He had hoped for too much from a dedication, he supposed; enrichment, assurance, prophecy, ebullient sentences that would corroborate the myths of Eliot's origins. "If he wants it": Was that true ambivalence? Was it a joke? He read the words again and again, until they stopped making sense. They were private words. Their meaning could not be unlocked without a special key. They closed Philip out. And after all, why shouldn't they? Dedications were not for readers; they were for the author's friends and family, his special inner sanctum, his loved ones. How dull his own life suddenly seemed in comparison to Eliot's, his lonely childhood which seemed to him now to have taken place entirely on stretches of blacktop, on cold afternoons when the hands ache, when children skid on ice and fall flat on their faces. Whereas Eliot, he was sure, had grown up very differently, in a house of clever jokes and made-up songs, a house where stories were told and pictures drawn, and doors to pantries were portals to lands where princesses rode unicorns, and doughy creatures laughed on the banks of rivers—the very lands, in fact, that Philip was reading about on those rainy afternoons, escaped into through wardrobes or holes in fences: Narnia; Wonderland; Oz. Fountains casting cold sheets of bright water, rainbows, nights on boats counting the stars. He had tried to get there once, that afternoon in Central Park, when he threw himself, again and again, against the wall. He had hoped it would happen as it happened in
The Silver Chair,
where the fence falls open, and Eustace Scrubb and Jill Pole fall into Narnia, into heroism, and away from the indignity of their hated school. As Derek Moulthorp knew, children care more about dignity than most adults realize or remember. But Philip, no matter how hard he threw himself, got nowhere. Eliot, lucky Eliot; he was probably playing on the other side of the wall all along.

He lay back on the floor, trying to imagine Eliot's house. Perhaps it would be like the grand apartment in Tudor City that belonged to old Madame Duval, the French teacher at Harte. She had made a tea for her class there, and they had sat on velvet furniture amid shelves of old books while dust swirled like insects before their eyes. But Derek Moulthorp did not live in a high-rise; he lived in a house, a grand and glorious townhouse with a fireplace. Philip envisioned the fireplace as huge, vast, the size of a room, another wish-portal in a house full of wish-portals. He'd push his way through; the embers would gradually turn green, turn into soft green ferns.

There was a knock on the door. "Philip?" Rose called. "Are you all right?"

As usual, she did not wait for him to say, "Come in," but swung open the door and walked in on him. He flew into the air so fast that the book he was reading leapt out of his hand, hitting a wall. Only after a few seconds did he realize that the worst nightmare of his adolescence was not coming true; that he had been caught in the act of nothing for which Rose might find him guilty; that he was sitting surrounded not by pornographic magazines, but by the books of his childhood, the most innocent books of all.

"I was just looking through some of my old books," he said, and although he spoke the truth, his voice was that of a liar.

"I see that," Rose said, and laughed. "Well, forgive me leu acting like a mother, but I hope you're planning to put those back when you're done with them."

"Yes, Mom."

"Because even if you don't, your father and I still live here—God willing—and we use this room and want it to look neat."

"Yes, Mom, of course."

"All right, then." She looked doubtful. "Can I really count on you?"

"Mom!"

"All right, all right. I'll leave you alone." She backed away and closed the door, shaking her head, clearly grateful for the chance
to behave like a mother again. Relieved, Philip sat back down on the floor. He knew, of course, that all the magazines were gone, long gone, thrown out ritualistically the day before he left for college. There really was nothing left here that might taint him, nothing she could hold over him.

But still he looked around himself, trying to find something to hide.

T
HE SUMMER
Philip first read Derek Moulthorp's novels was the one summer Rose and Owen took him on a real vacation. He was twelve years old, not yet pubescent, anxious about the strange new school he'd be attending in the fall. Every summer since their return from Rome their holiday had consisted of two weeks at the Jersey shore, at cousin Gabrielle's house on Long Beach Island, where Philip, bored and lonely, spent most of his afternoons walking along the beach, bouncing a big red-and-white-striped beach ball. One day out of the two weeks, in response to extreme pleading from Philip, Rose and Owen took him to the amusements at Asbury Park, where he would ride the roller coaster and go through the Chamber of Horrors and on the Tilt-A-Whirl and the Trabant and the Lobster. There was a strange wistfulness about those afternoons, riding alone or with other single children (usually fat little girls in halter tops, gnawing taffy) in little cars designed to hold couples and encourage sexual intimacy. Owen and Rose followed him, tired and bored in the heat, shielding their eyes from the sun, while occasionally a barefoot child screamed, his soles singed by the blacktop. The rides made Owen sick and terrified Rose, who doubted she would ever recover from one in particular in which she was strapped upright to the inside of a thing which resembled a giant piepan and which turned on its side and twirled in the sky, its cargo of standing prisoners screaming. She lost her hat, and afterwards would only ride on the gentle twisting train that took them through Fairyland. Once or twice Philip's friend Gerard joined them for a few days, and Rose and Owen were freed; the boys went alone to Asbury Park, while they sat reading in an air-conditioned restaurant, and the melancholy ritual excursion from ride to ride was suddenly enlivened for Philip. In Gerard's company, he no longer had to wait for another single child to come along to share a claw with him on the whirling lobster. They rode together, and what he knew was centrifugal force pressed Gerard's body hotly into Philip's as he gasped for breath, feeling himself buried under the mass of Gerard. Gabrielle and Jack's daughter Michelle, who was a year older than Philip, came along sometimes as well and brought her friends, who absorbed Philip into their easy suburban cliquishness, until the Benjamins arrived one summer to find that Michelle had grown breasts and done her hair like Farrah Fawcett, after which Philip, still a child at twelve, stayed in his room, frightened by the big hoarse-voiced boys who came round to admire her potent, threatening pubescence. Michelle looked twenty at thirteen, went to bars regularly, and laughed out loud when Owen and Rose asked her if she would like to accompany them to Asbury Park, as if a hundred years had passed since last summer. Alone again, Philip rode the Hurricane and the Tumbler, and worried about the sparse hairs that were growing under his arms. Fearful of his mother seeing them, he kept his shirt on until the last possible minute when going swimming, then jumped into the water, his arms glued to his sides.

All that summer, back in the city, he was mopish. Rose blamed the weather. It was so muggy outdoors that coming home from work, she sometimes felt as if she were slogging through warm honey, the air was so hard to breathe, so crowded with heat. Gerard's parents were taking
their
children to Egypt this summer, Philip told Rose and Owen one night at dinner. "And last summer it was Atlanta—Six Flags." He put a forkful of salad in his mouth and said nothing more, but they got the message. "Well," Rose said to Owen that night, "why not? I have vacation time saved up. We could take the month of August, go west, rent a car."

Owen put down his book. "I suppose we could," he said.

"I've always wanted to do that."

"Yes."

"Yes."

But the trip was really for Philip. They flew to Tucson and rented a car, and for three weeks drove through New Mexico and Arizona and all around California, staying in motels and eating in restaurants with gift shops attached to them in which women wearing Harlequin glasses sold "authentic Indian Artifacts." Though they hit them all, the big attractions had little interest for Philip. Raised with a View-Master, he was unmoved by the spectacle of the Grand Canyon, while at Disneyland the lines were so long and confusing that he never got to ride the Teacups or the Matterhorn, and as Pirates of the Caribbean was being renovated, he had to content himself with It's a Small World three times, in a boat crowded with elderly women. Instead it was the smaller tourist attractions that Philip would always remember. Around Santa Cruz, he began to notice a bumper sticker on many of the trailers and Winnebagos their rented car tended to get stuck between. It was yellow, with a great black circle on it, and it pronounced in great black letters: "I
'VE BEEN TO THE MYSTERY SPOT
!" And sure enough, as they headed north, signs began to appear on the highway, asking, "H
AVE YOU BEEN TO THE MYSTERY SPOT?"
or declaring,
"
T
EN MORE MILES TO THE MYSTERY SPOT."
And when they finally arrived at the Mystery Spot—a parking lot in the middle of a vast redwood forest—Philip was disappointed that there wasn't a vast black spot right there, as promised, a perfect charred circle of earth, perhaps a landing pad for alien spaceships. Instead, he and Rose and Owen and three other families were led up a path to a house where gravity was off-kilter and balls rolled up. When they got back to their car, they discovered that a big yellow sticker, just like the ones they'd seen, had been affixed to their bumper, so that it was nearly impossible to remove. They kept going north, and when they began to see stickers declaring, "I
'VE CLIMBED THE TREES OF MYSTERY
!" Owen shook his head. At Philip's insistence, they climbed the Trees of Mystery, and braved the Valley of the Dinosaurs, where giant plastic replicas of Tyrannosauri and Brontosauri lunged at nothing in a field of yellow grass. They visited Santa's Secret Hideaway Village, where there was Christmas all year round, and rusted metal dwarfs and cotton snow decked a few pathetic merry-go-rounds that turned emptily to piped-in carols in the heat. They stopped at the Giant Artichoke restaurant, and at Troutland, where for a dollar a piece you could fish from pools overstuffed with starving trout. And all this Rose and Owen bore stoically, knowing, perhaps, how odd they looked in their eastern clothes, Owen in his button-down shirts and black pants, Rose in her skirts and sandals and sleeveless buttoned blouses. Around them were mothers and fathers in Bermuda shorts and sunglasses, tennis dresses and sunglasses, Hawaiian muumuus and sunglasses. They had loud sticky children, and lots of them, and sometimes, while Owen and Rose were bickering over a road map in the parking lot, Philip would stare longingly as one or another mother attempted to restuff her brood into their Winnebago. The spectacle reminded him of the old woman who lived in a shoe.

In the back seat of the car, while Rose or Owen drove, Philip read Derek Moulthorp's novels. It was Rose's idea to bring them along. She herself had been moved to read of Dorothea's disillusion with Rome, in
Middlemarch,
while she was suffering great disillusion in Rome, and so believed that to read of an experience while experiencing it was necessarily a good thing. Philip sat in the back seat,
The Wish-Portal
on his lap, breathing through his mouth, lost in the story, and every now and then Owen would say, "Look at that tree!" or "Look at that mountain!" and he would dutifully look before returning to his book. At first Rose chided him as she knew mothers were supposed to. "You know it's not good for you to read in the car, Philip," she'd warn him, until it became clear that he wasn't suffering any ill effects. Owen drove, Rose folded maps, Philip read. In addition to
The Wish-Portal,
he read
The Frozen Field,
in which animals that have been awakened from their hibernation begin to appear, mysteriously, in a frozen Minnesota wheatfield in winter. He read
The Mysterious Mr. Olliphant,
in which a little boy becomes lost in a vast, dilapidated housing project on one of the moons of Jupiter. He read
Questa and Nebular,
in which a little girl meets a pair of peculiar neighbors, a very fat, red-haired girl and her adopted baby brother, who may or may not be alien emissaries in disguise. At night, they would stop at little motels off the highway, and Philip would lie on the cot set up at the foot of his parents' twin beds and read late into the night. The world of Moulthorp's novels—tourist-pocked deserts, forgotten extraterrestrial colonies, vast housing projects—was every lonely child's world, but transformed, heightened, made magical.