The Lord Won't Mind (The Peter & Charlie Trilogy) (20 page)

“Didn’t grasp?” Peter looked up incredulously.

“No. Didn’t grasp. Some people don’t, you know. All she understood is that you’re passionately in love with me, you want me physically, and you’re upset because I don’t respond as much as you’d like me to. A lovely story. Just what you’d expect your best friend to tell your grandmother.”

Peter shook his head with bewilderment. “Did she tell you how it all started?”

“Of course. She said you seemed upset, and she asked you what the matter was, and you confessed, as she put it.”

“But that isn’t the way it was at all.” Peter took a step toward him. “Please, darling. You’ve got—”

“Don’t call me darling,” Charlie shouted.

Peter bit his lip. “Please. Please listen to me. You wouldn’t be angry if you knew how it happened. Not with me.”

“Oh, wouldn’t I? We’ll just see about that. Go ahead. Tell me how it happened.”

“Well, I dropped by as usual. She was particularly nice to me. She said she’d been looking forward to a talk. And then all of a sudden, she just threw it at me. She said she knew all about us. She said she knew we were very much in love with each other. She said I should feel free to talk about it.”

“You’re stark raving mad. She could never have said such a thing.”

“But I tell you, she did. You can imagine how I felt. I was staggered. I was going to put on an act, but before I could pull myself together she said she wanted to understand it better. She practically begged me to tell her about it.”

“Oh, for Christ’s sake. I don’t believe a word of this, you know. You’re just wasting our time.”

“But darl—Honestly, champ. You know I don’t lie to you. If I’d been idiot enough to just blab it all out, I’d admit it. I’ll admit it might’ve happened the way she says if I’d been drunk or delirious or something. But it didn’t. She was perfectly natural and nice about it. She made me feel she really wanted to know about it, so I started telling her that it had been a bit difficult because of us both being so busy and everything. I told her I missed not seeing more of you. That’s—”

“Just like that, as if we were having a little problem with our marriage. Jesus.”

“But I tell you, that’s the way
she
was talking about it. So that’s when I told her it was probably different for you. I said that for me it was everything, but that you needed other people and thought I made too much of it sometimes.”

“Sometimes!”

“Then she said, ‘I assume you’re speaking of your physical love for Charlie.’ She didn’t sound shocked or anything. So I said, of course. That men could love each other the same way men and women love each other. That’s when she dropped the ax. She said that of course she could never receive me again and threw me out. I didn’t know what hit me. There’d been absolutely nothing to give me any warning of what was coming. I’ve never been so horrified in my life when I realized what had happened. I almost couldn’t get home I was so sick about it. You’ve got to believe me. The whole thing was just a trick.”

There was a silence. Peter stood poised and suppliant, his eyes blazing with truth. Charlie looked at him and started to speak and then stopped and took a few paces around the room. He ran both hands through his hair and gripped his head. He flung his arms out.

“It doesn’t make any sense,” he exploded. “A trick to do what? What’s it supposed to accomplish?”

“That’s pretty obvious. It all makes horrible sense to me. I’ll bet she’s known all along. She suggested our living together, don’t forget. If we’d just been seeing each other, she wouldn’t be able to do anything about it. But no. She has us where she can watch it grow and when she thinks the moment has come, she can move in and kill it.”

“If that’s what it is, she’s certainly succeeded.”

“Don’t say that. What did you say to her? How did you take it?”

“I denied it, of course. I said I didn’t know what you were talking about.”

“Of course. Did she believe you?”

“She acted as if she did. Why shouldn’t she? Unless you said things you haven’t told me.”

“No. She could’ve taken everything I said as being just about me. I assumed from the way she talked that the sex part was taken for granted, until she asked that question. Even that she phrased so it didn’t necessarily include you. No, she’s got it fixed so she can believe anything she wants to believe.”

“Fine. Except she’s not like that. Why should she do this now? If she knows anything, she’s known it all along. She’s maybe thought of us as loving each other in a Platonic way. She said so just now. She’s always adored you. Why should she want to get rid of you all of a sudden?”

“I’m pretty sure I know that, too. We’ve talked about you and the theater. She suspects you’re still interested in it. Not from anything I said. The other day, I made the mistake of saying I didn’t think it was such a terrible idea. I know I shouldn’t have. I could see it happening—she doesn’t trust me any more. She thinks maybe I’m encouraging you.”

“Oh, Christ. You can’t shut up about anything, can you? But what’s that got to do with our being in love with each other? You have it all so much on your mind that you misread the first simple question she asks about our being friends or something into an invitation to spill the whole works.”

“Misread? Is it possible to misread, ‘I’ve known for some time that you and Charlie are passionately in love with each other’?”

“Yes, it is, goddamn it.” He felt bested by the quiet conviction with which Peter had made his case, and his anger boiled up. “She doesn’t always use words the same way we do. She has her own interpretation of certain things. Can you imagine what it would do to her if she believed that something had actually happened between us? There’s no use talking about it any more. You’ve got to go.”

“But that’s just what she wants. I wouldn’t be surprised if she used me as bait right from the start, to test you. Well, now she knows. I don’t think she’ll be introducing you to any more pretty boys in the near future.”

“God, you have a dirty mind. She doesn’t know anything. She knows that a nutty kid has said a lot of romantic crap about me. And she knows I’m getting rid of you.”

“Is that the way you left it?”

“You’re damn right. Do you think I can go on living with a queer who goes around telling everybody he’s in love with me? Good God Almighty. I’m going to have a drink.” He brushed past Peter without looking at him and went to the kitchen. Peter followed and stood in the door while he fixed himself the drink.

“If you’re going to throw me out, I’d just as soon you’d do it sober,” Peter said.

“I can have a couple of drinks and still be sober.”

“Well, then, maybe I’d better have one, too.” He joined him at the counter. Charlie was amazed at his composure. He had expected tears by now. He took several long, parched swallows. He still found the effects of liquor unpredictable, but it always began by easing tension, softening emotions.

Peter felt the change taking place in Charlie, and all his love was released to flow out to him. He couldn’t take the talk of leaving seriously. They had to get through this somehow. “Are you expecting Hattie?” he asked.

“No. She had to see somebody. I was glad. I told her not to come by later.” His voice turned bitter and self-lacerating. “I was going to stay home and wait for you. We haven’t made love for two nights. That’s the sort of thing I’m beginning to sit around and think about. It’s another reason you have to go.”

“It sounds to me like a reason for staying. Oh, God, darling, all this is so horrible. I know we have to do something. I’ve known that ever since it happened. Can you imagine what the last few hours have been like? I thought about killing myself so we wouldn’t have to go through this. Maybe I would have, if I could’ve thought of some way to do it. I hoped that when you talked to C. B. it might turn out to be not as bad as I thought.”

“Well, it didn’t.”

“No, of course not. Since this is the way she wants it. I’m out, and she has her beloved Charlie all to herself.” “You’re just asking for trouble if you go on talking like that.”

“All right. Forget it. What are we going to do? Can’t you go to her and tell her you’ve talked it over with me and it was all just a big misunderstanding? I was just talking about theory or something. About the way people are. I didn’t mean that
I
actually had any special feeling for you. I’d do it if you could persuade her to see me again.”

“You know what you said to her. Do you think it would work?”

“No, because she wouldn’t let it. But at least we could try. If you’re right about her, it would have to work.”

“I
am
right about her, and it wouldn’t. She’s perfectly clear about what you said.”

“Well, then, why not just tell her I’ve gone? What’s wrong with that? She’s not going to come around and look. She’s never come near the place.”

“It’s impossible. She’d find out. She’d find out from your family to begin with. She’s planning to write to your mother.”

The color drained out of Peter’s face. He put out a hand to Charlie and withdrew it. He shook his head. “Oh, no, darling. She mustn’t. Don’t let her. You’ve got to stop her.”

“I’m certainly going to try to. I don’t want this turned into a big thing with everybody whispering behind my back. I think I can make her see it that way.”

“Thank God. It would be awful. Do you know anything about laws? Could they come and take me away? Maybe I’ll have to disappear. No. Listen. I know what we can do. I’ll write my mother right away. I’ll tell her I’ve moved. I know a couple of kids at school who’d let me use their address. You can tell C. B. the same thing.”

The scheme sounded so feasible that Charlie was compelled to take time to pour himself another drink before he could answer. He felt trapped. He wanted to yield, but he knew that the only way he could remove the taint, the only way he could look C. B. in the eye and feel worthy of her, was to make the final break, to remove all possibility of any further revelations. He took a sip of his freshened drink and waved the glass at Peter. “It wouldn’t work. What if they don’t like the idea of your moving out on your own? What if they decide to come and check up for themselves? It would all come out. Then we really would be in a mess. They might as well find us in bed together.”

“It needn’t be like that. I can fix it. I can arrange it so that everybody will know what to say if anything comes up. I could even leave some of my things there to make it look convincing.”

“You seem awfully friendly with these kids.”

“They’re all right. They’re just a couple of guys who live together. They’d understand.”

“It’s too risky,” Charlie said curtly.

“I won’t do it.” “Well, what
are
we going to do? Are you just going to sit there and say I have to go?”

Charlie’s heart began to pound as he felt the storm gathering around him. His fist clenched his glass. He wasn’t sure he would be able to speak. “That’s exactly what I’m going to do,” he said. The kitchen was suddenly too small. He strode into the living room. Peter was at his heels.

“You can’t do it. She’s killing you. Maybe it doesn’t matter about me. I’m probably not worth much anyway. But look what she’s doing to
you
. She’s killed your family, your own mother. She’s killed your painting. She’s killing me. Wait till you see what she does to Hattie if you go on seeing her. Boy, then you’ll see some fur fly. But all it adds up to is she’s killing you. You’re too good. You’re too wonderful. I won’t let her do it.”

“Oh, Christ. You’ve got her on the brain.”

“
I’ve
got her on the brain? Can’t you see what she’s doing to you? She’s turning you into her pet possession. You’ll end up a cipher. I won’t let her.”

“I don’t see there’s much you can do about it.” “There’s plenty I can do about it,” Peter shouted. “I’ll go to her and tell her you’ve been fucking me for months.
And
throw in the size of your cock if she wants proof.”

“So now it’s blackmail, is it?”

“Oh, no, God, darling, I don’t know what I’m saying. You know I’d never do anything bad to you. But you’ve got to stop doing this to us.”

“It seems to me you’ve done all the doing.”

“You need me, darling. I don’t mean to sound conceited, but I know you so well. You need me as much as I need you.”

“I need you. I need Hattie. I need C. B. I sound pretty helpless. Goddamn it, I
don’t
need you. I don’t need anybody. I’m fine by myself.”

“Oh, darling, everybody needs somebody. There’s nothing wrong with that. I’m not saying anything against you. How could I? You’re perfect as far as I’m concerned. But please, darling, dearest, please make sense with me. You know I’m no good without you.”

“What shit. When you say things like that it’s all the more obvious you have to go.”

“But I can’t go, darling. Go where? This is the only place I belong. This is ours.”

“Is it? I haven’t noticed you paying the rent.”

“Oh, don’t.” He put his hands to his head as if he had been struck. “Don’t do it. Stop it. This is us. This is all I have. Charlie?” He stretched out his hands to him. Charlie moved away from them.

“Let’s just cut out the theatrics, shall we?”