The Long Way Home (21 page)

I looked down, crying silently in the dark and
nearly-empty
piazza.

He walked to me slowly, "You and me, we're crazy and
explosive and fun. I wanted you my whole life and you refused to come down to
my level. You let me touch you and be with you, but you never gave me a real
chance. I thought if I did a grand gesture, you would see how much I loved you.
I didn’t have the courage to do it so I got drunk and the courage came."
He was right in front of me. He dropped to his knees, taking my hands in his,
"I fucked up so bad and I don’t know how to fix it."

I closed my eyes and let the silent tears drip down my
cheeks. Small raindrops started to hit me sporadically.

"You just make me feel so unworthy."

I looked up, "I never meant to."

He nodded. I could see the tears in his eyes, "I
know."

I sniffled, "I just never was as strong as you. I needed
you to be brave. You made me strong. I could stand up to them and walk away
because you were there for me."

He ran a hand down my cheek, "But I wasn’t was I? I made
you be brave and then I left you to deal with it all." He leaned in close
to me, "I'm sorry, Jack."

I shook my head, "We can't do this. You're
engaged."

He looked down, "It's like you said. I was just
rebounding."

I sighed, "You never even gave me a chance, Mike. You
assumed how my life went and never gave me a chance."

His words became a whisper, "You broke my heart."

I nodded, "Then I guess we're even." I pushed him
back and got up. I hugged myself and walked to the road I had come in on. The
skies opened and rained down on Rome.

"No, we're not."

I looked back at him, barely able to hear him through the
bouncing rain, "What?"

"We're not even, Jack. Not by a long shot."

I shook my head, "What more can you ruin for me,
Mike?"

He got up and stormed across the piazza, lifting me up into
his arms, "I can ruin you for every other man in the world." He
brushed his soaked lips against mine. The rain poured down on our kiss, mixing
with my tears, washing them away.

I shook my head, “You already did.”

He whispered into the side of my face, “Then be mine, Jack.
Be my girl.”

I nodded, and let him kiss me
harder,
he finished and held me tightly. I took my chance at finally telling him the
thing I needed to. “I have to tell you something first. Remember how I told you
I wasn’t always a good girl? I had done some bad things that you didn’t know
about?”

He stayed frozen, holding onto me.

I took a breath, “I had an abortion.”

His body tensed around mine but I shook my head, “It wasn’t
yours. It was Phil’s. That’s when I started taking the pills from Dr. Michaels.
Phil didn’t want to have a baby yet. He talked to my dad and they agreed, and I
let them make me agree too.”

He shook his head, “I may kill that man yet.”

I sighed, “Just love me instead.”

He kissed the top of my head, “Baby, I always have loved you.
I have to go tell Daniela that.”

I shook my head, “I feel bad for her.”

He laughed, “Yeah well, she’s a big girl.” He sounded cold
about it, like he was okay with the decision. We walked back to the hotel
holding onto each other.

I didn’t feel better abut telling him my secret; nothing
could ever make that okay.

I stared at the ceiling of the room and wondered how it had
gone. He was breaking things off with her. It didn’t feel right or wrong, it
was too big to try to classify.

A knock at the door interrupted my pondering the essence of
life and why God was against me. I got up, surprised to see Luce there. His lip
was puffy.

"How's your back?" I asked quickly.

He grimaced, "Six stitches." He turned around and
lifted his shirt. There was a huge bandage covering it all. I could see bruises
over his back muscles.

I ran my hands over the skin, "Oh my God. Have you seen
Mike?"

He turned back around, "No. Have you?"

I nodded, "He followed me last night." I pointed to
the room, "Please, come in."

He walked in and sat on the couch in the corner.

I sat across from him on the chair and pulled my legs up and
wrapped my arms around them, "He followed me to the
Trevi
Fountain. He told me he wants to break up with Daniela and be with me."

He flinched, "What? Is that something you want, after
everything that’s happened?"

I almost said yes, but I froze. My mouth hung open. I didn’t have
an answer. I had my mother's smile and nod. I had the fake answer of least
resistance. But with Luce I didn’t feel like I had to say it. I could be
conflicted. He expected nothing, either way. I shook my head, "I don’t
know what I want."

He nodded, "I think you need to think about that,
Jacqueline. You are young, crazy, vivacious, and fun. You need to embrace that
and be the person you want to be. I got the impression from Mike, that you sort
of mold yourself to be the person you need to be to match the man you're with.
That is a mistake. My mother has done that and I have watched her die inside
every day, just a little more. My father is a respected investment banker; his
wife is expected to be a dutiful wife. He shouldn’t have married a white woman,
but he did. My father isn’t even Islamic and my mother wears the garb. She is a
strong woman, always has been. You would never know it if you met her."
His green eyes were dark and beautiful under his thick black lashes
,
"I like that about you.
You seem like you are
full of passion. To listen to you talk about wine, is like listening to you
pour your soul out. I think if you were smart, you would take this as an
opportunity to find yourself. You're already in Europe. Go see the art and
architecture and the vineyards. Go and live this and see where you end
up."

I shook my head, "How are you so smart for
twenty-four?"

He smiled back, but it was filled with something I didn’t
know him well enough to read, "I almost lost the thing I loved the most in
my life, hockey. I didn’t care if I walked or made love or ran or drove again.
But I cared that I might not skate again. My father was so excited to be free
of the hockey, the burden of it, and the influence of the West in my life. I
had no support. I know what you have been through. I found the best doctors, I
made the arrangements, and I got better because I wanted it." He stood up,
"I am going to California for Christmas and then Boston to work. I hope I
see again. The real you."

He left me there, dumbfounded and alone.

The next knock on the door was also surprising. I wanted it
to be him, but it was Mike. He looked exhausted and sad.

I grabbed his hands, "Tell me fast, what did you love
about her?"

He frowned, "What?"

"No, answer the question as quick as you can."

He looked stunned, "Silky brown hair, smoking hot,
funny,
kinda
subservient, but spicy when I needed it.
I don’t know. Why? Why are we doing this?"

"I have a challenge for you."

He sighed, "Jack, I'm beat. This has been the most
tiring six months of my life."

I nodded, "I know, me too. We are both single right now.
We are both completely available. I want that to last for six months. Go to
Boston alone and love the game again. No one-night stands and no random-pick
fucks. Just you and your team and your love of the game."

He pinched the bridge of his nose, "Baby, I just broke
off an engagement with an Italian model for you. Whatever this stupid challenge
is—I passed—trust me."

He stepped towards me, but I stepped back holding my hands in
between us. "Mike, me and you need a chance to be me and you before we are
a we. I need this. Can you grant me that?
The freedom to find
myself?
You were right last night in one respect, I always find a way to
fit the man I'm with. I think I'm me with you but I need to be sure."

He grabbed me, scooping me up and laid me down on the bed and
spooned me. "Fine, but I want to sleep, nap like before."

I closed my eyes and let him hold me until he was asleep.
When I was sure he was snoring, I climbed from the bed and packed my things. I
had to pack it tighter with the new clothes and makeup. My sister had sent me
twenty thousand dollars. It would have to be enough to get me through Europe. I
called from the bathroom and changed my return date on my flight to May 7th.

I wrote him a letter and left it there next to him.

I glanced at it once more, tearing up as I reread it.

"France,

I am not letting
you go. I am not giving up on you and me. I am putting me first in the least
selfish way I can. You need to go to Boston and establish yourself without
anyone else there to define you. I need to find out what, besides wine and
little blue pills, defines me.

You have always
been the person in my life that I could count on. I am counting on you now to
trust me and let me trust you. I don’t want to regret following you on your
dream and never experiencing mine.

I love you,

Jack, your
Jack."

I grabbed my bag and slipped from the room, not waking or
kissing him.

Romeo was in the lobby as I was leaving. He beamed, "You
leaving early?"

I nodded and placed my bag next to the counter. I wrapped my
arms around him, even if he was a stranger.

"Thank you."

He shook his head, "I saw Ms.
Ribissi
leaving today. She seemed upset but that husky Texan went after her."

I laughed, "Maybe you won't be rid of her."

He pulled me back, "But you will be."

I shook my head, "She seemed nice."

He scoffed, "Not to anyone who was lower status. Women
like her are like a vase, they are pretty to look at but that is all. They
serve no real purpose."

I sighed, "I hope you have a merry Christmas."

"You too, Ms. Croix."

I shook my head, "J.D." I stepped on my tiptoes in
my boots and kissed his cheek. I grabbed my bags and left the hotel. The air
was fresh and crisp and amazing. I had no rules and no expectations. I was
free, truly free.

I fumbled with my dress and hat. Italians always wore hats to
weddings. I still smelled like the bar from the night before. We had been
soaked in wine by the end of the night. Greeks were crazy like that. I could
see there was still a bit of tannin on my knuckles.

I looked once more at myself and nodded. It was as good as I
was going to get.

Brandi gave me a cockeyed look, "That really is the best
you could do? It's a March wedding. You need something
springish
."

I rolled my eyes, "Bran, I'm here as the ex-girlfriend
of the guy she almost married. I was stunned when France brought you the invite
for me."

She shrugged, "He said Tex wanted you here. Now let's
roll." Her New York accent was more noticeable.
Probably
because I’d been speaking Italian and Greek for months.

We walked out of the flat I had rented for the week.

"How are you for money?"

I shrugged, "Still about ten thousand and two months
left; I'll probably be okay."

She nodded back at the apartment, "I stuck another forty
in the bureau for you. It's in a sock."

I snorted, "Wow. So I take it things are going
well?"

She nodded, "Beyond being five-months pregnant, yeah. You
have to come and see the new house. It's amazing. Shawn loves working for
Muriel. She is kicking ass in Boston."

I glanced at her, "How are Mom and Dad?"

She sighed, "Mom has snuck over to see me a few times.
Dad isn’t speaking to me. He blames me for you and blah, blah, blah. Whatever.
Let him think what he wants. He gets no part of my babies and my future."

I hugged her, "I'm sorry."

She shook her head
,
"Screw him.
He's a mean old goat."

I laughed.

"So how's the traveling going? Any
hotties
on the roster?"

I nudged her, "No. You know I made that pact with
Mike."

She smiled, "You know he's
gonna
be here tonight."

"Yeah. Temptation to the extreme."

"No one is going to judge you, if you give up two months
early on this fucking pilgrimage of working at wineries around Europe. What
kind of pilgrim are you anyway?"