The Locker Room (35 page)

phones and television and bad movies and anything, anything at all that

made the waiting less than excruciating.

Leo apparently raided the Big & Tall section when he went to

Walmart as well, because he came back with a couple of pairs of sweats,

some generic sweatshirts and T-shirts, some socks, underwear, and some

really
cheap tennis shoes from a Famous Footwear nearby—as well as

an attitude that fooled no one.

“And wasn"t
that
fun for me. Uncle Leo, my ass… you"d better

win the fuckin" playoffs, Xander, that"s all I"m saying. Fuck the thank-

yous; just make me look good, okay?”

The Locker Room 199

“Thank you,” Xander muttered, before being sent off to a shower

cubicle by the now-sympathetic nurse.

“Yeah, thank yourself. It was your goddamned piece of plastic, you

big dumbass.”

But Xander didn"t remember giving Leo his credit card. Months

later, he figured out that he hadn"t, and that it really
had
been all bluster

on Leo"s part. Uncle Leo, indeed.

All that, and it was still three days before they even knew for sure

if Chris would live.

During the eight-hour break between surgeries, Xander spent part

of the time at the foot of Chris"s bed and simply looked at him. They"d

had to shave his head again—or part of it—in order to stitch the head

wound, and he"d broken his nose and bruised the shit out of his face

against the airbag.

But Xander, tired, hungry (no one could get him to eat—Leo had to

threaten him with a sedative and an IV to get him to even pretend to eat),

and practically delusional, could see it.

“Do you see it, Leo? That gold shimmer? It"s still there. I can see

it. It"s still in him.”

Xander had been seated, leaning precariously over his knees in an

effort to get closer to Chris, in spite of the breathing tube and the

machines that made it difficult. Leo gave his head a little shove—just a

little one, sideways—and Xander had rested his head on his outstretched

arm and slept, really slept, for the first time in two days.

He woke up when they came to take Chris away for the next

surgery, and the whole thing started again.

After four days, Xander was so exhausted, he was practically

fugueing from one reality to another. He would blink and see Penny,

from when she was a girl, shaking him awake on the Edwards"s couch,

telling him it was time for breakfast. He would pretend to eat and then

want to sleep again, on the musty couch from that tiny, dark, freezing

apartment, and he would be all alone. He would sit and watch a movie,

and try to listen while Mandy mindlessly chatted over the dialogue (she

was good at that) and he would be in college, when he was dreaming

about him and Chris being knights in shining armor, or condottieri

200 Amy Lane

captains, fighting for a just cause, and he would wake up and they"d be

watching an Austin Powers movie, and he"d wonder why Chris wasn"t

there to laugh with him.

On the third day, Chris came out of surgery again, and they made

Xander shower again and totter around the building while they prepped

Chris for his room. He was on his second loop when Leo kicked off his

dress shoes and forced Xander to keep up with him, running around the

hospital campus like kids running a race through someone"s back yard.

When they pulled up after a couple of laps, Leo found his five-hundred-

dollar loafers and looked them over glumly.

“Jesus, I think I"ll have to go to the mall and get me some of those

spiff-tacular pieces of shit on
your
feet. I"m not putting those shredded

socks into these shoes—disgusting!”

Xander, feeling a little bit clearer than he had been, offered to go to

the store for him, but Leo had shaken his head. His ruddy, animated face,

still blotchy from the exertion, became as serious as Xander had ever

seen it.

“I really do love you kids, you know it? I"ve seen my share of

athletes fuck themselves up, just like Chris, but I don"t know if I"ve ever

seen anyone as fucked up as you are, standing by his side.”

Xander looked away, feeling helpless. “Without Chris, I"m not

anything,” he said, meaning it.

Leo breathed out, hard, the kind of breath that meant he was closer

to something more painful. “You just keep telling yourself that, Xander.

None of us here are buying. I mean, we"re all here for Chris, right? But

being here for Chris is also being here for you. And like it or not,

Cochise, you"re going to have to make a serious decision in four days,

you hear me? Because however he"s doing by then, you will either have

to leave his side or give some plausible explanation as to why you won"t,

and that"s going to be all you.”

Xander tripped over the bench on the front lawn and literally went

down hard on his knees and face-planted onto the lawn.

Leo, bless his black little heart, laughed so hard that he sat down,

even as Xander picked himself up, not even hoping for dignity.

“Surprised you there, didn"t I, chief?”

The Locker Room 201

Xander nodded, rolling his eyes as he brushed himself off. “I"ll

play,” he said, not even sure he said it. “I"ll come out this season—don"t

doubt it. But Chris… he can"t play. He"ll never play again. He"s going to

live… I"m going to trust that he"ll live because I can"t think beyond it,

right? But I can play. How
dare
I not do it, when Chris loves to watch

me play?”

Leo"s smirk went slack and open, and his eyes went wide, and he

shook his head. “Xander, it"s a good thing you weren"t some sort of

Cossack general, back in the day. You get that tone of voice, that look on

your face, and I"m not kidding… even
I
would follow you into hell.”

Xander blinked at him, and then a real, full-fledged grin

blossomed, even though it felt like seven shades of crazy. “What in the

fuck have you been smoking? Jesus, Leo, the shit you say!”

He went back inside, and Leo followed him, finally deigning to put

his loafers on without socks, and they went for the latest update.

When Chris woke up on the fourth day, Xander was asleep in his

room. The nurses had brought him a little cot, with an extension, and

Penny was asleep next to him, with her hand on his shoulder so he

wouldn"t start twitching in his sleep.

Xander woke up to Penny"s rather hysterical giggle, and he bolted

upright, terrified that he"d missed something.

“Chris, you fucking dork,” Penny was saying, somewhat brokenly.

“Fucking Jesus—”

“Wha?”

Chris blinked, his face swollen and the bandages on his head

moving when he did. “Penny, ge" your han" off my man….”

Xander fell to his knees in front of the hospital bed and wept clean

tears, while Chris fumbled numb fingers through his hair.

An hour later, Chris had fallen back to sleep, and then and only

then did Xander go to Cliff and Alicia"s house. The first thing he did was

take a real shower in one of Cliff"s big, full-sized shower-baths instead

of a half-one in a cubicle. Then he fell asleep on their guest bed—Chris"s

old room, he learned the next morning—and slept for nine hours straight,

and for once, no scary monsters intervened.

202 Amy Lane

When he woke up, he dressed in sweats and begged Penny to take

him back to the hospital, because Chris was awake now, pretty please,

little sister, cantcha please go faster?

She made him eat breakfast first, and had Alicia"s housekeeper

pack him extra food for the way there.

“You"ve got a game in two days,” she said adamantly, and Xander

frowned at her.

“How did you know that?”

“Because I heard Leo talking to Chris, and I think it"s the best idea

I"ve heard in a long time!”

Xander frowned. “Leo shouldn"t be talking to Chris about it. It"s

my job.”

Penny turned to him, her movements sharp, and Xander glared at

her and swallowed. For a moment, she was so completely her mother"s

child that he felt fourteen again, and he"d been asked nicely to take his

elbows off the table.

But he didn"t back down.

“You"ve done a real good job of being grown up,” Penny said

softly, although her lips were tilted up in a sardonic smile. “I think Leo

just wanted to make sure you followed through. He knew Chris would

get you down the court, even if you didn"t think you could make it.”

Aw… basketball analogies? Who"d told her they were his secret

weakness.

“I would have made it,” Xander said, slightly mollified. “I just

wanted to talk to Chris myself. Now come
on,
I"ve been ready for

forever!”

Penny looked him up and down and said, “Yeah, that"s only

because you don"t care that you look like shit. My brother looks forward

to seeing you, even if you look like the walking dead crapped you out

and put you on a reality show. C"mon, Xander,” she added sweetly,

when she saw his eyes widen and he automatically started checking his

hair, “you"re the one who said we were running late!”

“I hate you,” he muttered, as he sat in the rented Acura, his knees

up to his chin. He was trying to check his hair and his face in the mirror,

and he realized that he probably could have shaved closer, his hair had

The Locker Room 203

grown out into his eyes, and he needed a good pore minimizer or

something, because exhaustion and worry had left his face looking saggy

and old. “I really, really hate you.”

Penny grabbed his hand as she negotiated the Denver traffic. She

was so confident driving, he thought miserably. Chris was too. He was

going to be in charge of the driving now, when they didn"t have Tim do

it. He sucked. He went too slow, went too fast, got confused at

intersections. Oh my God. He was going to have to adopt Tim so they

could go anywhere outside of Folsom.

“Stop it,” Penny said softly. “I was teasing. I can see your head

gears getting all stuck. You"re thinking you don"t look good enough,

you"re not good enough to take care of him, to do what you need to do.

You"re thinking like that kid who couldn"t be a grown-up when he was

fifteen. You"re going to do fine, and I think he pulled through all that

surgery just for you, so just… just calm down. You"ve got a playoff in

two days; now stop living up in your head like that. Tell me to piss off or

something, but don"t do that to yourself.”

“You"ve got all this confidence,” Xander grumbled, almost to

himself. “Where do the two of you get all this confidence? The only

place I know what I"m doing is when I"m on the court.”

“I can"t answer that,” Penny told him, turning into the hospital

parking lot. “Or I can, but I think that"s something you need to hear from

my brother. I know you held us all together in the last four days—and I

don"t know why you can"t see it. Now, here. Get out and tell Mandy and

my folks to come down. I"m going to take them home for a while, and

you get him all to yourself.”

“Mandy and your folks? Which one of them are you putting on the

roof?” he asked, unfolding himself from the front seat.

Penny grimaced at him. “Mandy—but we"re putting her stick-

skinny ass in the trunk. Now move!”

Xander did, laughing a little, and he was bright and cheery as he

kissed Chris and Penny"s folks and gave Mandy a one-armed hug before

sending them on their way.

“How"s he been?” he asked Mandy quietly. Chris would hide stuff

from his folks that he might let slip to Mandy.

204 Amy Lane

“Depressed as hell,” Mandy muttered. “I took him internet

shopping for fancy wheelchairs—the doctors say he"ll be in one for

almost a year, you know? We went for aluminum and Kings" purple, and

a little power pack and shit… and then the doc came and said that was all

well and good, but we needed to be able to put his feet up in the first

one—he gots to ride around like that for, like, months. That made him

sad again.”

She sighed, and leaned her head on Xander"s arm as Xander

watched him kiss his mom a quick goodbye.

“You know, the only thing that makes him happy is knowing you

get to play next week. He"s got, like, little parties planned and shit. I

never seen anything like it, you know?”

Xander smiled at her, shoving all of his butterflies down into his

feet, so maybe they could give him wings. “Well, sweetheart, I"d better

be ready to give our boy a show, right?”

“You do that,
papi—
I"ll be on the sidelines dancing for you, right?”