The List (Part Five)

I
t felt
as if the note was staring back at him, boring into his soul and trying to pry out some admission of his guilt.

There it was. In Dana's hand. Her thoughts in his handwriting--the list of dirty fantasies he'd copied from her diary and stashed away for his own personal study. The ultimate betrayal.

"It's not what it looks like," he said, even though it most definitely was.

"I'm not really sure what to say to that." She smoothed the note out on the table, and he turned off the burner on the stove, and then slid into the seat opposite her.

For a long while, he allowed the silence to stretch over them as he willed her to look him in the eye.

Like, maybe if she met his gaze it'd be easier for her to forgive him. Or, at least a little bit less painful to listen to what he'd done.

When a few minutes had passed and there was still no sign of movement, though, he reached across the table for Dana's hand and she yanked it away so fast he was amazed she didn't catch a splinter.

"Dana, I was going to tell you."

"How about you tell me now. What were you doing looking in my private diary? I feel...used. Violated." She winced and he sighed.

This hadn't been the way he'd planned on telling her. In his mind, there had been joking and whispering and long, heartfelt explanations. Here? With the single kitchen light shining on them from overhead, it felt more like a crime scene interrogation.

Which, he supposed, was probably more fitting.

"I didn't think it was going to be a big deal--"

"You what?" She hissed, but he rushed to continue before she had the chance to fully unleash her rage.

"At first, I mean. The diary just fell open. You remember? That day you couldn't find it?"

"I was a
wreck
that day. I was convinced one of my patients had found it. And then--"

"I went to the hospital to visit you."

She grimaced. "Because of the diary."

"At first, yes. But...it was fun and you were so happy. After that, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I wanted to give you the things that you wanted and I didn't want to--"

"Stop. I think I get the picture. You've been using my list like a check off sheet of sex positions and you didn't want me to know about it because you wanted me to think you were some kind of sex psychic, is that it?"

He held up his hands in a show of innocence. "No, it wasn't like that."

"Whatever it was, did you read anything else in the diary?"

"No."

"Okay." Without another word, she slid her chair back from the table, and turned on her heel.

He watched her go, already envisioning all the different things he could have said in order to make things better.

But at the end of the day? He should have always known it would end up like this.

With him groveling for Dana's forgiveness as they both scavenged for the pieces of the trust he'd shattered.

He padded out to the living room to find a pillow and blanket sitting in front of the closed bedroom door.

When he knocked, there was no answer, just as he knew there wouldn't be.

D
ana stared
at the ceiling for most of the night, trying to piece together what she was supposed to think, how she was supposed to feel.

Had it been that stupid freaking list that had made Jax so hot for her? Even if the thing was of her own making, it stung to think that when he looked at her, he'd been thinking about those things.

That it wasn’t just a spur of the moment fantasy.

That was the
real
thing she wanted. To do all those things in the moment with her husband because they couldn't keep their hands off of each other. Not because they were ticking off markers as a means to some arbitrary end.

She blew a piece of hair out of her face and watched as it drifted back onto her cheek.

Of course, she could see how he might think it was sweet. Trying to put her needs ahead of his own. Before that day at the hospital...

Her stomach turned, thinking of how happy she'd been. Before that, they'd barely gotten to spend any time together. Now it felt like they were a priority.

That she was his priority.

She rolled over and stared at the clock. It was 4:30 in the morning, and if she hadn't come up with answers yet, she certainly wasn't going to have them tonight. The best thing to do would be to close her eyes and pray for sleep to come.

T
he rays
of sun streaming through the window felt a little too forceful this morning. Dana blinked, rubbing her eyes before finally burrowing her head into the pillow again.

Oh god, she'd have to face Jax today.

Or, more accurately, Jax would have to face her.

And the worst part of it was she still had an indecipherable ache in her chest whenever she thought about the whole situation.

With a deep breath, she rolled to her feet and stretched.

Today was going to be a tough one, but she was going to face it.

As she slid into her robe and slippers, she yawned and then padded toward the door only to nearly slip and fall on something.

A tiny piece of paper had apparently been stuffed under her door last night, and she bent over to find the now slightly discomforting sight of her husband's handwriting.

D
ana
,

I
can't begin
to say how sorry I am, What I did was a violation of your trust and your privacy. I promise you, I will do whatever I can to make up for what I've done to you.

I thought all night about the best way to start, and I think the best solution is to give you my list. I know it's not exactly the same as what I did, but I hope it will make you feel like we're close to being on even footing.

1
. Falling
asleep inside you

2
. You surprising
me in the shower when I'm getting ready for work.

3
. Eating ribs
while having sex (this, I think, is everyone's sexual fantasy)

S
he suppressed a laugh
, then continued on, turning over the page to read through each and every one of his 57 wishes.

Some were sexy, some were silly, and some were deeply intimate, but the more she read, the more she knew how much time he'd spent. He'd poured himself onto this page, and as far as she was concerned that was worth something. She read over the closing again and sat back on the bed, tilting her mouth to one side as she deliberated her options.

I
know
this isn't enough, but it is a start, and make no mistake--these are not requests. I could live my whole life without any of these things happening. The most important part of any of them--the thing that makes them fantasies--is that they're all with you. For me, you are the only thing I need.

I
love you
,

J
ax

T
here was
, she decided, no determining the correct course of action. All she could do was go face her husband, and once she laid eyes on him, the right answer would come to her.

It had to.

W
hen Dana walked
into the room, he sat bolt upright, his heart already in his throat as he waited for her to speak. Apparently, though, she was determined to make that no easy task.

For a long while, she stood in the doorway of their bedroom staring from him to the letter in her hand and back again. Her expression was mercilessly blank and he wondered if she'd read the letter or if she simply hadn't cared enough to make the effort.

He swallowed, wondering if maybe he should explain, but after what he'd written, what else was there to say?

Finally, she crossed the room and sat in the armchair nearest the door. With her mouth tilted to the side, she set the letter down on the coffee table in front of her, then leaned back in her chair.

"I read it." She said at last.

He nodded, waiting for the verdict.

"It was thoughtful and I...appreciate that." She took a deep breath, her normally smooth brow wrinkled in concentration. Last night's makeup still coated her face, though now it was smudged with sleep and time. It didn't matter.

She was still the most beautiful woman he'd ever laid eyes on.

"You're right that it's not the same. This letter, I mean. But, I thought a lot about what must have been going through your mind when you found the list. I wondered what I would have done if I were in your position."

He nodded, leaning closer to the edge of his seat.

"I would have read it." She nodded. "If I'm being completely honest with myself, I know that I would have done that. But I would have told you."

The clock ticked on the wall, and still he waited, listening to the second hand twitch. He knew he should apologize and yet, at the same time, he knew that now was not his time to speak.

"I think I understand why you didn't. Or, at least, I think I can appreciate where you were coming from. And I do have to credit you with trying to make me happy, even if you went about it the wrong way."

She got up, then joined him on the sofa, taking his hand in hers so gently that he could hardly believe it. "The thing is, I should have told you that stuff. We should already know these things about each other. Do we have trouble talking about sex?"

"Not when we're--"

"No, not when we're having sex. But in general. Can you tell me what you want?"

"Yes."

"Then tell me. Tell me right now."

"I want you to forgive me." He said.

"No, I mean, if you could pick anything on your list to tell to ask for, what would it be? I want you to look me in the eye and be honest about what you want."

"Dana, this is a little..." He didn't know what. It just wasn't the way they did it. Or, at least, it never had been.

Before the list, sex had been reserved for their private moments. It was something that had never been spoken, but was asked for with a nibble on the neck or a deep kiss in the middle of the night. For as long as he could remember, he'd never told her what he wanted aloud.

"I know. That's the point. And things between us are going to be just fine. So long as you tell me what you want."

He cupped her cheek, glancing from he smear of her eyeliner to the faint pink outline of what had once been her bright red lipstick.

"I want to watch you undress and then I want to take a shower with you and wash all of this off of us."

She nodded, and the expectant flutter of her eyelashes let him know he was expected to continue.

"I want to put soap in my hands, lather it up, and then wash every part of your body. Then I want you to do the same for me. And...and I want you to get on your knees and..."

She nodded again. Continue.

"I want you to suck my cock. I want to pull your hair while you lick me and then when I'm about to come, I want to push you against the wall and fuck you while the shower sprays over us."

This time when he finished speaking, she didn't nod. Instead, she dropped her robe to the floor, pulled her dress over her head, and then walked into the bedroom, her ass swaying with every move.

When she got to the doorway, she turned to face him, then reached behind her and let her bra fall to the ground. "Well, what are you waiting for? You've read my list. Let's start in on yours."

T
he shower steamed
the room in a matter of minutes, and when she stepped into the spray, she did feel oddly renewed. With the droplet dripping down her body, she lay in wait for her husband to push aside the shower curtain and join her.

And luckily, she didn't have to wait long.

Jax stepped into the little space quickly and quiet, but the second she saw him, it felt like his presence had consumed the place entirely. His hungry gaze made her feel breathless and overcome with raw, insistent need.

This was the way it was supposed to be.

Staring each other in the face, telling each other their hopes and desires and passions. Even listening to him had made her so wet that she couldn't wait to strip off her clothes and drop to her knees. With any luck, this would only be the first of many, many similar experiences.

"Are you sure this is what you want?" He took the bottle od body wash in his hand, then stared, waiting for her answer as he rubbed his strong, rough hands together.

She nodded.

This was their new beginning.

All they had to do was start. Slowly, he stepped toward her and then his warm hands were on her, smoothing the space where the water pounded into her back with sweet, gentle movements.

He took is time, like he was trying to memorize the feel of her. His fingers worked over her hips, massaging the space were her hipbone contoured with her stomach. Then he travelled upward, feeling the underside of her breast with gentle, sweet motions.

She closed her eyes, her focus pinging between the insistent pounding of the water on her back and the steady tingle of her sensitized skin wherever his touch met hers.

She leaned her hair back into the spray and let the water drip onto her face, sliding over her breasts and trickling down the center of their body where his fingers had finally found the spot she was more desperate for him the touch.

She murmured her approval, and his finger slipped inside her, gently at first, and then in and out until she ground along with him.

It would be her turn soon, and her mouth watered at the thought of taking him deep into her mouth the way she had yesterday in the coat closet. This time, though, she'd be able to use her hands.

She could massage his thighs and cup his balls exactly as she wanted to, and when she flicked her tongue around his base, she'd be able to work him harder still with her hand.