The List (15 page)

fter practice, Danielle steps out from the steamy pool showers and clicks open her gym locker. The inside of the cube is lit yellow-y green. She’s received a text from Andrew.

Meet me @ the pool entrance after yr practice

Last night, after getting home from the mall, she’d called Andrew and they’d spent another night talking on the phone until dawn. She told him about her homecoming dress — a pale pink dress with sheer cap sleeves. It was nothing like what she’d ever worn before, but it was definitely girlie and looked good on her, despite the fact that the sleeves were a bit snug around her shoulder muscles. No one was more stunned by the choice than her mother, who claimed to the saleswoman that she hadn’t seen Danielle that dressed up since her first Communion.

Though the list never came up once, a part of Danielle wondered what Andrew was feeling about it, what his friends were saying about her. She could have asked him, but she didn’t want to risk ruining their good conversation.

But today is another story. Again Andrew avoided her during school, and Danielle is starting to feel paranoid. Is Andrew embarrassed to be seen with her? And his text seems a little curt. Is he planning to break up with her today?

Her hair drips water onto the phone screen. She wipes it with her towel and sees that she’d missed something.

:)

Danielle lets out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. If Andrew wanted to break up with her, he wouldn’t have put the smiley. All the doubts she’d been feeling drift away like a cloud passing the sun. She warms up. She can’t wait to see her boyfriend.

Hope squeezes past Danielle to get to her locker. “Do you want to come over for dinner tonight? We’re having tacos. And I want to show you my homecoming outfit. I know most girls are wearing dresses, but I was thinking I’d wear jeans and a cute shirt or something. I don’t know. I never feel comfortable in dresses. I can’t dance in a dress.”

Danielle had felt the same way, but she’d bought a dress anyhow because she knew anything less would only invoke her new nickname. “I can’t tonight,” Danielle says. “I’m meeting Andrew.”

“Oh.” Hope sounds surprised. “Is everything okay with you guys?”

“Of course everything’s okay,” Danielle says. “Why wouldn’t it be?” She can feel Hope watching her as she wrings the water out from her hair.

“Well … because you said Andrew’s been acting kind of weird since the list came out. Distant.”

Danielle had indeed confessed that feeling to Hope in a weak moment during study hall, but now she regrets having said anything. “It’s not that he’s acting weird,” she tries to clarify. “We just haven’t talked much about it, that’s all.”

“Do you think he’ll ever want to? You know, talk about it?”

“I hope not.” Danielle slides on her deodorant. It is vanilla-scented and will hopefully mask the smell of chlorine on her skin. No matter how hard she scrubs in the shower, it always
lingers on her. “I don’t want to have a big awkward conversation with him.” She doesn’t particularly want to have this conversation, either. So instead of running a comb through her hair and putting on a little makeup, Danielle shoves her stuff into her book bag in a hurry.

Hope sits down on the bench. “It wouldn’t have to be a big awkward conversation, Danielle. But he should say
something
. Like … that it doesn’t matter to him. That he thinks you are beautiful no matter what anyone else says.”

“Can you please stop?” Danielle snaps. She hopes none of the other girls in the locker room have overheard these embarrassing attempts to pump her up. She turns her back to Hope and closes her eyes for a second, listening to the waves of murmured conversations, the white noise of hair dryers. Andrew hadn’t said anything like that to her. Hearing those things would almost make it worse. As if she were a pathetic weakling who needed him to make her feel good about herself.

“Sorry,” Hope says. “I just think you deserve the best.”

“I know.” And Danielle does know. But she doesn’t stop packing up her things. “I’ll call you later.”

As Danielle heads out of the locker room, she makes a promise to herself, then and there, never to talk about what went on between her and Andrew again. Hope will only bring it up later, out of context, completely misinterpreted. And while Danielle doesn’t want Hope thinking badly of her boyfriend, the truth is that Hope doesn’t understand. She wasn’t with them during the summer. She’s never had a boyfriend. Andrew is simply a person who’s come between her and her best friend.

Danielle enters the bathroom near her locker and fixes herself up there. As she descends the staircase, she sees Andrew
with his friends out the window. She leans against the banister and watches the guys goof around for a minute. Andrew looks much younger from a distance, she thinks to herself, as he tries to fight his way out of Chuck’s headlock. Andrew is the smallest of his friends.

Chuck gets picked up by his dad in a sports car. And then, a minute later, a minivan pulls up. The remaining boys pile in, while Andrew takes a seat on the curb, as if he’s waiting for a ride himself. He waves as the minivan departs, and when it turns the corner, he stands up, grabs his book bag, and starts walking around toward the pool building.

Danielle turns and sprints. She wants to beat Andrew to their meeting spot. She wants to run away from the question of whether or not his friends know he’s meeting her.

She catches her breath as Andrew turns the corner of the field. When he sees her, he has on a huge smile. He is happy to see her. And she is happy to see his happiness. It means more than any corny line or awkward apology for the list. It is completely genuine.

“Guess what,” he says, slinging an arm around her shoulder. “My parents left town. Some last-minute project thing.”

Danielle’s eyes light up. “Oh, yeah?” Both her and Andrew’s parents are strict. It feels like forever since they’d had a chance to hang out alone and unsupervised, the way they had at Clover Lake.

“We could order food and hang out for a while.” He threads his hand through hers. “I’ve missed you.”

“I’ve missed you, too.”

Danielle calls her parents and tells them she’ll be eating
tacos over at Hope’s house. And then they take the path through the woods.

As soon as they are inside his house, Andrew presses her against the door and places his mouth over hers. They kiss hard. They sink down to the rug in the foyer, and then lie all over the mail that’s been pushed through the slot in the front door. Danielle likes the intensity of Andrew’s touch, gripping at her shirt, trying to hold on to her in ways he never has before.

She rolls on top of Andrew, trying to feel as sexy and powerful as the moment seems to call for. But something about this position intrudes on the moment. She feels so big on top of his body. She fears that she might be crushing him. Like she is the boy and he is the girl.

“Do you want to stop?” he asks her. His hands pull away from her in slow motion. “What’s wrong?”

She doesn’t want to say. But they haven’t even talked about it, not since that first day. Danielle sighs. “This list thing is so stupid.”

He runs his fingertips up and down her arms. “Don’t think about it.”

“How can I not think about it?” she asks, rolling off him. “How can
you
not?”

He sits up and drops his head in his hands. “Game Face, remember?”

Danielle doesn’t like where this is going. “That’s not what I mean. I can have the biggest, baddest, toughest Game Face in the whole world, but I still know people are talking about the list.” Andrew doesn’t say anything, so she goes on. “Are your friends still giving you crap because of me?”

“It’s mostly Chuck. He gets everyone riled up. But that won’t last forever. I can take it.”

She hates to think of Andrew getting teased on her account. Maybe their strategy of ignoring it isn’t helping. Maybe it is time they confronted the real problem. “You should punch Chuck the next time he talks about me.” Though Danielle is being serious, she gives a little grin. “Or maybe I will.”

Andrew groans. “Oh, yeah. Great idea, Danielle. That would only make everyone think of you even more as a dude. Do we have to talk about this?”

Danielle kisses him again. She tells herself that it doesn’t matter what Andrew’s friends think of her. All that matters is that she is a girl to him. His girl.

She nervously guides Andrew’s hands back up to her shirt, curling his fingers around the hem and, with his help, she pulls it up over her head. She gives him a couple of seconds to go for her bra. When he doesn’t, when he just sits there staring at her, she reaches around for the hooks herself. Her hands are shaking so badly, they keep slipping, but she manages to get it off.

Finally, Andrew starts to wake up. He reaches out and touches her where he never has before.

Danielle closes her eyes and concentrates on feeling Andrew’s hands. She knows she is not a boy. But her boyfriend needs to be reminded.

efore Jennifer gets out of the car, Dana and Rachel are there, beaming two sunny, excited smiles.

“Oh, Jenn-i-fer!”

“We’ve got more good news!”

“Come on, you guys,” Jennifer says. She grabs her books and locks up. “I don’t think I can take much more.” When she turns to face them, Jennifer sees they are still wearing the V
OTE
Q
UEEN
J
ENNIFER
stickers. She’d thought it was just an idea they had yesterday for fun. Apparently, it is a
thing
.

They walk toward school together. Rachel throws her arm around Jennifer and asks, “What are you doing tomorrow night?”

“I think you know the answer to that,” Jennifer says. She keeps it light, coy. A joke that they all know the punch line to.

Dana jogs a few steps ahead and then spins around so she can look Jennifer in the face. “Do you want to come to a party on Friday? Everyone’s going. The football guys, the —”

“Wait,” Jennifer says. “I thought that the coach calls the varsity players on the night before a big game to make sure they’re home and not out partying.”

Rachel shakes her head. “Total bullshit to keep the younger players in check. Anyhow, everyone will be there, and
you’re
going to be the guest of honor.”

“Really?” A party. Such a little, inconsequential thing to probably everyone else at school. But it’s something Jennifer
has always dreamed about. Although never, not even in her craziest fantasy, would she have cast herself as the guest of honor. “You’re not joking?” She’s thought this to herself several times a day over the past week, wondering when the rug would get yanked out from under her, when all these good things would evaporate.

They reach the school steps. Dana pulls the door open and holds it for Jennifer. “We’re making it a whole ‘Vote Queen Jennifer’ event,” she says. “Like, we’re not letting anyone into the party unless they show us their homecoming dance tickets with your name written on the back.”

Rachel leans in and whispers, “I don’t want to get your hopes up, Jennifer, but there’s a chance, a
seriously good
chance, that you’re going to be homecoming queen.”

Jennifer gets goose bumps. How is it that so many of the people who’d been quick to put her down are now clamoring to hoist her up? It isn’t everyone, obviously. Jennifer knows that for sure. There are plenty of guys who still look at her as if she has no right to exist, if they even look at all. And some of the girls, too, mostly the younger, pretty ones. It’s as if Jennifer is threatening to ruin the sanctity of the homecoming institution by becoming queen. Like she’s a narc who’s going to bust up the party.

And then, of course, there’s Margo.

“Thank you guys both so much. I’m … I’m totally in. Where is it?”

Dana says, “Margo’s house.”

Jennifer stops and shakes her head. “No. Margo wouldn’t want that. She wouldn’t.”

“She does,” Rachel says. “She told us so herself.”

Dana says, “Margo suggested the idea! She’s given her blessing to the whole Queen Jennifer thing.”

“I mean, she’s probably not going to be wearing a sticker,” Rachel quickly adds, her eyes bouncing between Jennifer and Dana. “That would be weird. Since, you know, she’s your competition.”

Dana nods. “I know you two have had your issues in the past, but that’s all water under the bridge.”

Jennifer looks at the two girls so happy and excited, wanting her desperately to believe this lie.

Only Jennifer knows the truth. There’s no way.

But Jennifer, much to her own relief and surprise, doesn’t care.

“I’m so glad you’re coming!” Dana goes in to hug her, and Jennifer feels something get pressed onto her chest. When they pull apart, Jennifer sees a V
OTE
Q
UEEN
J
ENNIFER
sticker on her shirt.

“Are you guys sure I should —”

Rachel is nodding before Jennifer even gets out the words. “It’s good, I think, if people see that you’re cool with this.”

Jennifer blinks. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

Dana pats her on the back. “Exactly. Alright, Jennifer. We’ll see you later.”

She has clearly died and gone to heaven. Jennifer gets her books, hangs up her jacket, and closes her locker.

But the voices in the hallway send her crashing back to earth.

“I heard that every time Sarah takes a shit, she saves it in a plastic bag and she’s planning to throw it on the homecoming court.”

“Oh my god. She’d get arrested for that, right? I mean, that’s a crime, isn’t it?”

“Maybe they’ll cancel the dance. To keep us safe.”

Sarah Singer.

Funny that her biggest obstacle to a fairytale homecoming wouldn’t be Margo at all.

Instead of heading into homeroom, Jennifer walks back outside. It’s cold there without her jacket. She hugs her books close to her chest to block the wind. It’s easy to find Sarah. She’s sitting on her bench. The boy who follows her around is next to her, his nose in a book. At first, Jennifer is nervous to interrupt them. But there’s too much on the line to be shy. She marches over.

Sarah sneers up at her. “Why, hello, Jennifer.”

“Can I ask you something?”

Sarah and her boyfriend share a look. As if Jennifer being polite was ridiculous. Sarah says, “It’s a free country.”

Jennifer takes a deep breath, which she instantly regrets. She doesn’t know how Sarah’s boyfriend can handle sitting that close to Sarah. In fact, Jennifer could smell Sarah from a few feet away. “I heard you bought tickets to the homecoming dance. Is that true?”

“Why? Are you asking me to be your date?”

Jennifer wants to tell Sarah to screw off, but she knows that’s exactly the reaction Sarah is hoping for. The girl is all about trying to get reactions from people, and Jennifer won’t let herself fall into that trap. “I want to know if you’re planning a prank to ruin the dance.”

“A prank? What kind of prank?”

Jennifer hates how Sarah is so proud of herself, so smug. “I … I don’t know. Something to get even with everyone for putting you on the list? It’s why you smell so bad, isn’t it?”

Sarah raises a hand to her open mouth, feigning shock. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I’m very excited for the homecoming dance. I already have my outfit picked out.” Sarah’s voice is proper and sweet, like a sitcom actress from an old television show. “And it’s rude to tell other people they smell, Jennifer. I would think you’d know that better than anyone else.”

Jennifer rolls her eyes. “Look. You’re making a big mistake. Everyone’s going to hate you if you ruin the dance.”

Sarah scoots up to the edge of the bench and leans forward. “I don’t care if everyone hates me. I hate them. I hate absolutely every single person in this school.”

Jennifer takes a step back. This has been a mistake. There’s no reasoning with someone so blinded by anger. If anyone should be upset about the list, it’s Jennifer. Sarah has no right, being on the list for just one year. And if Sarah doesn’t care, like she says, then why is she so hell-bent on ruining everyone’s good time?

“Fine,” Jennifer says. “But so you know, I’m telling Principal Colby about the things I’ve heard.” Her eyes go up to Principal Colby’s window. She hopes Principal Colby is in there right now, listening to this whole conversation.

“Why are you so desperate to protect the dance, Jennifer? I mean, you don’t actually think you’ll be voted homecoming queen, do you?”

Jennifer shifts her books from her left to her right, unintentionally revealing her V
OTE
Q
UEEN
J
ENNIFER
sticker.

“Oh my god,” Sarah whispers, and pokes her boyfriend. “Look!” she says to him. “Look at her sticker! Oh, fuck, Jennifer, you really do! You’ve deluded yourself into thinking this is going to happen!”

“You’re making a fool of yourself,” the boyfriend says.

Jennifer stares Sarah down. “You’re just jealous.”

Sarah starts laughing obnoxiously. It definitely isn’t a real laugh; Jennifer can tell. It’s a put-on, for show. Like the dyed-black hair and all the necklaces, the word
UGLY
, nearly unreadable, blending in with the dirt on her forehead. “Jealous of what? That I’m not the popular group’s ugly little mascot? It’s a joke, Jennifer. At your expense! You should be telling these people to fuck off. They’re using you. They’re laughing at you behind your back! They’ve treated you like shit for four years, and you’re basically giving them a free pass because they’re dangling some pathetic, rotten carrot in front of your face. It doesn’t matter if they give you a rhinestone crown or not. They all think you’re ugly.”

Jennifer yells back, louder than she wants to. “I know what I am, okay? I accept it. But I aspire to be better. You … you’re mad because you wish you could be one of them but you’re too scared to admit it.”

Sarah stands up and jabs her finger at Jennifer. “You think those bitchy cheerleaders are your friends? They don’t give a shit about you!”

“And what?” Jennifer laughs. “You do?”

“No.” Sarah puts her hands on her hips. “I don’t care about you, Jennifer. I just feel bad for you. For buying into this whole
bullshit circus. I don’t give a crap what you do. And I don’t pretend otherwise. Now get the fuck away from my bench.”

Jennifer is shivering as she walks away. She doesn’t even begin to feel warm until she gets to Principal Colby’s office. She walks right past the secretary, right in without knocking.

“Principal Colby? I need to talk to you.”

“Come in, Jennifer. I hoped you would stop by to chat. I have to say, I’ve been seriously contemplating canceling the homecoming dance.”

Jennifer is taken off guard. “Wait. What?”

Principal Colby lifts her eyebrows. “I’m sorry. I’ve seen those V
OTE
Q
UEEN
J
ENNIFER
stickers everywhere, and I figured —”

“That’s not why I came by.”

“So you’re okay with everything?”

Jennifer smiles shyly and pushes her hair behind her shoulder so the sticker on her chest can be seen. “Yeah. I mean, I think it’s nice. It’s a nice thing for people to do for me. I’ve always been known as the ugly girl. It’s kind of crazy to think that I could be known as homecoming queen.” It really is. “So please don’t cancel the dance on my account. People will hate me! They’ll blame me!” She feels the tears come.

Principal Colby looks surprised. “Alright. Okay. I guess I had the situation wrong.” She shakes her head. “So, what did you want to talk about, Jennifer?”

“Sarah Singer,” Jennifer answers. She smooths her V
OTE
Q
UEEN
J
ENNIFER
sticker, paying extra attention to the corners that have pulled away from her sweater. “You have to stop her.”