The List (5 page)

“Hey! No psychobabbleology on me. You promised, remember?” Nicole got up and picked up the appetizer trays. She walked over and set them down on the counter and opened the oven.

Vanessa sat quietly, as if she knew that was all Nicole would take for the evening.

Angela took Vanessa's hand again. “What about you,
V
?”

“Huh?”

“Do you think . . . could you ever—”

Vanessa shook her head. “I don't think so. I can't imagine I would. For one, I have the kids to think about. To me, there's nothing worse than a woman bringing men in and out of her children's lives. And—”

“And what?” Angela asked gently.

“If by some miracle, I met someone as wonderful as Michael, I don't think I could ever chance suffering that kind of loss again. I'd drive him crazy with fear. He'd have to check in at least six times a day, couldn't drive at night or in the rain, no long trips. What man would deal with that?”

“So, then, I guess we're both in bondage to fear?” Nicole brought over a tray with little black cartons with steam smelling of lemon grass and Asian spices rising from them. She slid back into her seat next to Vanessa.

Vanessa took her hand. “Since you put it that way, I guess so, Nicki.”

Nicole squeezed her hand tightly. “I guess we should do something about that, huh?”

Vanessa nodded. “You first. Talk.”

Nicole leaned back in her chair. “Me? Are you serious?”

“It's only fair,” Lisa said. “We've all been spilling our guts. Nine years and never, remember?”

Nicole let out a deep breath. “Okay.” She looked around at each of us. “Okay.” She sat fidgeting with her napkin for a few seconds. “My life before Christ was . . . was not so clean. I've been in a lot of relationships. I've had a lot of sex. And I've been hurt a lot of times. Love has always ended with me getting my heart broke.”

Angela and Lisa looked shocked. Second to Vanessa, Nicole was my closest friend in our group, so I knew all her dirt.

“Yeah, me. Gorgeous Nicole with the Halle Berry face and Beyoncé body.” She looked at Angela. “You might think you want it, but honestly, it's a curse. Men can't see past the way I look. And when you got a booty like this, and boobs like these, all men want is to sleep with you. They don't know that I'm smart or funny or loving or whatever else I may be.”

I had never thought of it from that standpoint. I had to admit that, like Angela, I had compared myself to Nicole and wished my butt was bigger and my face prettier.

Nicole opened each carton of food on the tray, releasing a variety of steamy scents into the air. “And so, now, I feel like I'm good. I just got saved and I'm figuring this whole God thing out and I don't need anything to complicate my life right now. Quite honestly, I kinda hate men right now and don't want one anywhere near me. So . . .” Nicole opened a pair of chopsticks and shoveled some rice and vegetables on her plate.

Vanessa said, “Why don't we both work on our hearts then? I'll finish working through my grief and my fears, and you work through your bitterness and man hatred. And maybe one day, we'll both be ready to try again. But until then, we'll be happy being single.”

Nicole nodded and gave Vanessa a hug. “Okay, enough psychobabble for me. When my birthday comes around, remember tonight.”

Everybody laughed. Nicole passed out chopsticks to all of us. “So, it's official. Angela, Lisa, and Michelle are on a mission to be found by their husbands. Me and Vanessa are gonna allow God to heal our hearts.”

Angela heaped a noodle dish onto her plate. “In that case, you guys gotta come to the singles ministry meeting with me next week. It's a special meeting they do every year, and it always gets rave reviews. The topic is ‘Things Your Momma Should Have Told You About Marriage.' They invite guest speakers from other churches in the city, and it's usually packed out. You guys gotta come with me.” Angela was almost begging.

“Sounds interesting. I can think of hundreds of things I wish my momma had told me before she pushed me to get married,” I said. “I'll go.” I tossed the chopsticks and got up to get a fork from the kitchen. I was too hungry to be playing with some wood sticks.

Lisa nodded. “I'm in. When I get married, I ain't ever trying to get divorced, so I'm trying to learn everything I can.”

“If you ever get married . . .” Nicole said under her breath.

Lisa smirked. “So, you going, Nicki? You never know, God may work a miracle and quickly heal your evil heart. You might be closer to marriage than you think.”

Nicole rolled her eyes. “No way. Did anything I just said indicate that I have any desire to be a part of the desperate and lonely club?”

“Nicole,” Vanessa and Lisa said together.

“Please, Nicole. Please go with us,” Angela pleaded.

Nicole rolled her eyes and let out a sharp breath. “I hate it when you do that, Angela. You know I can't say no to you.”

Angela clapped her hands together. “Good. We're all in then.”

I
stood outside our church, New Destiny Christian Center, waiting for Nicole. She was running late as usual. No way I was going into a meeting of the desperate and lonely club without her. I finally saw her Mercedes convertible drive up. She whipped into a parking space and rushed out of the car.

“Sorry, girl. Had this stupid meeting that didn't want to end. Had to fake cramps to get out of it.”

I laughed and followed her into the church building. When we entered the large sanctuary, we saw Angela seated at the front. She must have been watching for us, because she immediately smiled and waved for us to come up to sit with her.

“Dang, now we gotta look
real
desperate and lonely,” Nicole said, as we tipped down to the front trying to be inconspicuous, since the program had already started.

Angela reached over to squeeze our hands and mouthed, “I'm glad you guys came. Lisa's on her way.”

Our first lady, Stephanie Jackson, was already on stage, seated with four other women in comfortable-looking armchairs surrounding a coffee table—all particularly set up for our discussion tonight. I guess that, and the fact that they were all casually dressed in jeans, was supposed to make us all feel comfortable. First Lady continued speaking, “For some reason, when you're single, marriage is this perfect magical paradise women fantasize about. We want to present the reality of marriage—things you should know before you say, ‘I do.' I don't want any one of you to ever say, ‘Nobody ever told me marriage was like this.' Let me introduce to you tonight's guests.”

She held the hand of the woman sitting next to her. “As most of you know, this is my best friend of many years, Stacia Bennett. She co-pastors with her husband at our sister church, Light of the World. She joins us every year, and as you know, she always tells it like it
t-i-is
.”

Everyone cheered as Pastor Bennett waved at the audience. First Lady held out a hand to the second woman. “This is Cynthia Martin from Grace Church. She's a long-time friend as well.” She pointed to the last woman. “And this is the newest addition to our panel, Cassandra Peyton.”

Lisa came down the aisle looking flushed and harried. She slid onto the seat next to Angela. They exchanged a quick hug, and then Lisa reached to squeeze my and Nicole's hands.

First Lady Stephanie said, “We're going to start by having each guest speaker tell who she is and why she's here sharing with us tonight. Listen to their stories carefully.”

Stacia Bennett took the microphone first. “As she mentioned, I'm a pastor, married to Pastor Tyrone Bennett for eighteen wonderful years now.”

We applauded.

“I say eighteen wonderful years, but they definitely weren't all wonderful. I left my husband four times within the first three years of our marriage.”

A few gasps arose from the audience.

“Yeah, chile, I was convinced that my husband was the worst husband in the world and didn't know how to love me. Funny thing was, every time I prayed about it, God only told me about me. Looking back, I realize that most of the problem was me, not him. He's just as sweet and wonderful now as he was then. I was the one who was selfish, stubborn, and completely un-submitted. God had to change me, or our marriage never would have lasted.”

She paused for a second and leaned forward in her chair. “My message to you single women tonight is make sure you're prepared for marriage.” She paused again, I guess, to make sure it sank in. “The most important thing you can do while you're waiting for God to bring your husband is to get ready. The perfect example is Esther in the Bible. She was cleansed and purified for a whole year to be sure she was fit to be a queen prepared for her king. Should we do any less? Stop looking for the perfect man, and make sure you're the most perfect woman you can be for him. If I was my husband, I would have killed me about fifteen years ago.” She looked out over the audience. “Right now, I want each of you to take a good, hard look at yourselves. Think about your character, flaws, and faults. What things do you do that would drive a man crazy? Are you selfish and self-absorbed? Are you a strong, independent woman who has no intention of submitting to a man?”

Everyone was silent.

She continued, “What is your attitude like? Are you depressed? Irritable? Demanding? Some of y'all are looking for a man with money. Where are you financially? What does your credit look like? Do you keep your house clean? Do you cook?

“How often do you lay yourself on the altar and ask God to purge you of everything that's not like Him? When was the last time you climbed up on God's surgical table and asked for a divine character operation? Begged Him to cut everything out of you that's not like Him?”

I could hear the pastor in her coming out. She acted like she was ready to get a good preach on.

“I drove my husband crazy because it was always I, I, I. One day my husband got frustrated and told me over and over that he wished I would die. ‘I wish you would die. Just die.'”

Murmurs arose from the audience.

“Yeah, y'all. That's what I said too. Is this man gon' try to kill me in my sleep? Of course, that wasn't what he meant. He just wanted the selfish, self-centered woman in me to die, so Christ could live. Took me a while, but when I started to die, my marriage started to live.”

Her voice softened. “What areas do you need to die in? Are you completely submitted to the Lordship of Christ? Because if you're not completely submitted to Christ, you can't fully submit to a man.”

She nodded that she was finished, and First Lady motioned for her to pass the microphone to Cassandra Peyton.

“Good evening, ladies. I'm Cassandra Peyton and I just celebrated two years of divorce after five years of a horrible marriage. I hope that, from what I have to share, you can avoid the same pain in your life.”

Shoot, I could teach this segment myself. But then again, could I? Did I really understand what went wrong? More importantly, did I know enough not to make the same mistake again?

I perked up to listen closely to see if Cassandra Peyton had learned something I might have missed.

Cassandra smoothed her fingers over her short, natural hair. “I met this wonderful man who I just knew was God-sent. We had a whirlwind dating period and were married three months after we met. The dating was great—every woman's romantic fantasy. Even the first year of marriage was wonderful, but eventually, the real man came out, and my life became a nightmare.”

Murmurs rose from the audience.

Cassandra went on, “The worst part is, just like these ladies, my husband was a pastor. Looking back, for everything that ended up happening, there was a little red flag sometime while we were dating that, if I had paid attention, I would have realized who he was and gone running as fast as I could. There are no surprises in relationships.”

Cassandra lifted a finger to punctuate her point. “My message to you tonight, women of God, is
choose well
. Once you make sure you're prepared, make sure you choose a man who is adequately prepared as well. And I don't care how lonely you think you are or how bad you want to have sex, don't ever settle for less than God's best for you. You'd rather be alone and horny than married to the wrong man.”

It would have been funny if she wasn't so serious.

“I let my biological clock talk louder than the Holy Spirit. If I had listened to Him, my marriage would have never happened. But I was lonely. And I was getting old. I wanted to be married and have babies like all my friends. So I ignored me, the Holy Spirit, my mom—everyone who had enough wisdom to know that I had no business marrying that man.”

She picked up a bottle of water from the coffee table in front of her. She took a long sip, I think, to give us time to focus on what she'd said.

“Don't be so afraid of being alone and childless that you end up worse off. I was left completely devastated, broke, hurt, bewildered, betrayed, confused—every bad emotion you can name. I won't go into the details of what happened with my husband because he's still pastoring, and I wouldn't want to speak badly against a man of God.”

Nicole leaned over and whispered in my ear. “Isn't there a Pastor Peyton in that big church out in College Park?”

I nodded.

“Didn't he just remarry, and he and his new wife are putting on a big marriage seminar in the fall?”

I nodded again. I was sure she was wondering, as I was, if this was Cassandra Peyton's ex. I respected the fact that she didn't want to speak badly of him, but couldn't help wondering what had happened.

Cassandra continued, “Ladies, asking some simple questions can save you a world of hurt. What kind of family did he grow up in? What was his childhood like? What past hurts has he not dealt with that could one day be an issue in your relationship? What is/was his relationship with his parents like? How many serious relationships has he been in, and how and why did they end? Has he ever cheated? What is his philosophy for managing his finances? What does his credit look like, and how did it get that way? What's the worst thing that ever happened to him, and how did he come through it? What is his prayer life like?”

I guess the questions she was telling us to ask gave us some clues into what happened.

“Don't be so googly-eyed in love that you don't see what's really there. I know it's hard because love and romance feels so good. And you can be blinded to the truth, or you see the truth but ignore it because you love the way it feels. Introduce him to your friends, your parents, your pastor. Maybe they'll be able to see the truth you're choosing to ignore. Is he submitted to the Spirit of Christ? When someone points out some area in his character that needs fixing, does he listen and seek the Lord to change, or does his pride get in the way? A man may not be perfect, but as long as he's willing to be perfected, completely submitted to the Lordship of Christ in his life, you've got something you can work with.” She paused for a moment and then looked out over the audience and finished with, “Ladies, choose well.”

She passed the mic to the last speaker. Everyone was completely silent.

I guess I needed to take Lisa's list thing a little more seriously. As if she heard my thoughts, Lisa leaned past Angela and looked down the row and raised an eyebrow at me. I nodded, acknowledging her I-told-you-so.

Cynthia Martin was the last to speak. “Good evening, ladies. I'm Cynthia, and I've been married twice. The first time ended in divorce after six years. I remarried five years after my divorce and have been married now for eight years. I have the wisdom of having been in a bad marriage and in a good marriage. I can tell you what made the difference in the two. My first marriage ended because I wasn't prepared
and
because I didn't choose well. I was twenty-two years old and didn't know who I was. I met what I thought was this great guy, but honestly, I didn't know who he was either.”

She stood up and walked to the edge of the stage. “Some of you need to be focusing on who you are, what you want out of life, and who you are in Christ. Sometimes when we get married too early, we haven't had time to develop and figure out what we want out of life, let alone what we want or need in a husband. Who has God called you to be? What is your purpose? If you can't answer these questions, you're not ready for a husband.

“Second, make sure you take the time to heal whenever you end a relationship. The first year after my divorce, I dated several men, and all the relationships ended in disaster. Each one reminded me of my ex-husband. So, for the next three years after my divorce, I didn't date, or even think about talking to a man. I wanted to allow God to heal my heart, so I wouldn't carry any baggage into a new relationship. The worst thing you can do is punish a new guy for the sins of the previous one.”

I nodded. That was the last thing I wanted to do.

“During my healing period, there were times I would sit on the floor and cry, yelling and screaming at my ex over the things he had done to hurt me. I then made sure I completely forgave him and dealt with the bitterness in my heart. I spent time in prayer and worship, allowing God's presence to heal me and make my heart new and ready to love again.”

Cynthia put her hand on her hip. “Then, I spent time getting to know me, figuring out what I wanted out of life and getting to know God's perfect will for my life. Then I spent time figuring out what I wanted in a husband. I put together a list of everything I wanted and everything I didn't want. Ladies, if you don't have a list, don't go another day without making one.”

Lisa leaned forward again. I rolled my eyes at her to say, “Okay, I get it.” She smiled like she knew she had won the argument.

Cynthia walked toward the podium and leaned against it. “Make sure you have a realistic list, though. Some of your lists are so unrealistic, Jesus Himself couldn't live up to your expectations.”

I leaned forward and gave Lisa the same look she had just given me. She answered my I-told-you-so look by holding up a hand.

Cynthia continued, “Once you have your list, don't compromise. I don't care how cute he is, how rich he is, how wonderful he seems—if he doesn't line up with what you want, let him go. Lowering our standards is what gets so many of us in trouble.

“And make sure he fits with your destiny. The last thing you want is a man to distract you from reaching God's purpose for your life. You should be able to come together and chase destiny as one. Instead of finding out how tall he is, how much money he makes, and what kind of car he drives, find out who he is in God. Does he know what his purpose is? Does he live a Matthew 6:33 life, always seeking first the Kingdom?”