The List (34 page)

‘You're either joking,' she said, furrowing her brows, ‘or you think you've made a mistake with Alex. Which is it?'

I shrugged. ‘When I've made up my mind I'll let you know.'

At five I saw Alex talking to Miss Tits outside his office and felt anxious. I hate this feeling. I think it's entirely possible to forgive someone for cheating, but I'm finding it impossible to forget. Am I going to spend the rest of my days wondering if, or when, he'll do it again? We've only been back together a matter of days and I'm already starting to struggle, but if I admit that, I'll just prove everyone right and look like a fool.

Tuesday October 11th

During the morning meeting, Lucy interrupted to tell Frank he had an emergency phone call. He took it in his office and then rushed out without saying a word. Everyone looked at Lucy.

‘Don't bother asking, I have no idea where he's gone. It was some woman called Janet.'

He called me an hour later.

‘Phoebe, can you ask Maureen to run things today?' he asked solemnly. ‘And tell Lucy to cancel my meeting with that agency. I can't remember who it is, but it's in my appointments on my PC.'

‘Yes, OK. Is everything all right?'

‘Vanessa's mum died. She's a mess. I'm here with her and her sister Janet. I can't leave her. I've spoken to Hugo so he knows I won't be in for a couple of days.'

‘I'm so sorry to hear that. Go and take care of her. Things will be fine here.'

‘Thanks, Phoebe.'

He hung up and I called Maureen to let her know what had happened, then emailed Lucy to let her know too. I didn't want to announce Frank's business in front of everyone. Poor Vanessa.

I got home to find that Alex had been for a job interview at a chiropractor clinic on the south side of Glasgow.

‘Guy who runs it is pretty nice. Smaller than Susan's place but the pay is almost identical. He's letting me know next week.'

‘That's excellent news. Fingers crossed then!'

‘How was your day?' he asked, running his fingers through my hair. ‘Another day feeding the corporate machine, eh?'

‘Frank had some bad news, but apart from that it was OK.'

‘I always liked Frank. He's very well educated. No idea why he's working in sales. It's such a ghastly profession. Sales people are morons. Well, apart from you. I didn't mean you.'

‘Keep digging. You're lucky that I'm too tired to argue with you. I'm having a shower and an early night.'

‘It's only six. Have a nap and I'll wake you up for dinner in a while.'

I lay down in bed and closed my eyes, quickly drifting off to sleep, grateful that I had some alone time. But Alex woke me up again only a few minutes later by getting into bed beside me and kissing my neck, which got my attention. We began to have sex, and for the first time ever, I closed my eyes and imagined it was someone else. I imagined it was Oliver. Oliver used to know exactly when to go slowly and when to speed up and how close I was by the sound of my breathing. He'd spend a ridiculous amount of time going down on me and … God, I miss his face. Our conversations. Lying with him in bed. Being without him is killing me. Oh Christ.
Hello, feelings for Oliver! Do come in and completely screw up my entire life, won't you?
I really miss him! I miss his curly hair and his smell and his accent and the way he laughed at my jokes and the way he pulled me up when I was being a dick and I love him. Oh God. I. Love. Him. Fuck. What have I done?

Wednesday October 12th

Thank God I had a session with Pam Potter already booked for today. Yet again I was totally confused about what I wanted and needed and, well, about everything really. I marched into her office, dismissing the offer of tea before she'd even made it. Twenty minutes later I hadn't stopped talking.

‘So I'd already started something with Alex again when Oliver told me how he felt, and it was too weird and confusing so I said no.'

‘You rejected Oliver in favour of Alex?'

‘Yes. What an idiot.'

‘OK, I'm going to put something to you. I think, after your split with Alex, you view relationships as you plus a man who will inevitably hurt you, and I don't think you consider Oliver to be one of these men. So how could you consider Oliver in terms of a romantic relationship at all? If you did, you'd start to view him differently and that would mean he'd be like every other man. You never really got Alex out of your system and you still craved his approval – so, when he announced he still loved you, this made you feel safe and wanted again.'

I left Pam Potter's office feeling clearer than I had done in a long time. She was absolutely right. How am I going to fix this? I told Alex to spend the night at his place. I need some time to myself.

Thursday October 13th

Frank returned to work today and I had a quick chat with him at lunchtime while the others went to the pub downstairs. I brought him a coffee in his office.

‘I'm really sorry to hear about Vanessa's mum,' I said, handing him the mug. ‘What happened? How is she?'

‘Devastated,' Frank replied. ‘But she'll be OK. Her sister is dealing with most of the arrangements. It was a heart attack.'

‘Well, it's good that she has you there too. Regardless of previous comments, you're a good guy, Frank.'

He smiled. ‘Thank you. It's made me realize how special she is to me, and I'd never have got to know her properly if it wasn't for you. So I guess we're both awesome.'

‘Did you just say awesome?'

‘Go to lunch. You're not allowed to pick on me today. I'm emotionally drained.'

‘I'm kidding. Listen, if there's anything you or Vanessa need, let me know.'

He nodded and I left to meet the others downstairs, feeling like a worthwhile member of the human race. Maybe I'm not so useless after all.

Friday October 14th

‘Can you come over tonight?' I asked Lucy as we got ready to go home. ‘I need to talk.'

‘I said I'd meet Kyle, but if it's urgent I'll cancel.'

I shook my head. ‘Not urgent, I just wanted to have a chat about something. It can wait.'

‘Meet me downstairs,' she said, pulling her mobile out of her jacket and placing her red bag on her desk. ‘I'll be one minute.'

I stood outside watching everyone leave work, wondering who was going home to partners or children or bad relationships, who was just going home alone. I didn't notice Lucy until she tapped me on the shoulder.

‘I'm meeting Kyle at eight instead of seven, so let's grab some chips and take them back to your house. Won't Alex be there?'

‘No, he's out with his mates tonight. Thanks, Lucy. I appreciate it.'

We got to mine and I turned the heating on. We sat on the couch and ate chips from the paper.

‘So, what's up?' she asked. ‘Aw, you got a pickle. I wish I had a pickle.'

I bit the pickle in half and handed it to her. It was so sour my face practically turned inside out.

‘Well … I'm in love,' I gushed.

‘Yes, we all know you're in love with Alex, Phoebe. Oh God, you're not getting married, are you?'

‘Fuck no!' I exclaimed. ‘It's not Alex I'm in love with. It's Oliver.'

‘I bloody knew it,' she laughed. ‘I wondered how long it would take. When you got back with Alex, I thought I'd got the whole thing wrong, but that wouldn't be like me, now would it? Have you spoken to Oliver yet?'

‘He won't speak to me. I've been trying, believe me. I've blown it, Lucy, and now I have to get rid of Alex too. I don't want to hurt him as well. It's such a mess.'

‘Hurt him? Come on, Phoebe – that guy almost finished you last year and you're worried about hurting his feelings? You tell him you've made a mistake and it's over. ONCE AND FOR ALL.'

‘Oh, that easy is it?' I snapped.

‘Actually, it is. I don't know what it is about that sanctimonious prick that turns you into a fucking mouse, Phoebe, but I'm fed up with it. You've just admitted you don't want to be with him any more, so do something about it. He'd be quick enough to do it to you; in fact he
was
quick enough to do it to you. Remember that.'

‘Don't be angry with me – I gave you half my pickle,' I mumbled.

‘I'm frustrated, Phoebe. For you. You let Alex back into your life, not because it was the right thing to do but because it was easier than missing him. Now you've finally realized that he isn't the man for you because Oliver is and he always was. I'm not saying you have to be cruel to Alex, that isn't your style, but do not let that man stand in the way of your happiness any longer.'

‘When he gets back tonight I'll talk to him,' I said, wondering how the hell I was going to break it off with him. ‘I'll do this and then I'll figure out how to get Oliver to talk to me.'

‘Good girl.' Lucy smiled. ‘I think you're amazing and brave and Oliver is a very lucky man. One who deserves you. Not that Alex fucker. Now I have to run and see my boyfriend because I have a boyfriend now.'

‘You look happy.' I grinned. ‘Go and have fun.'

I watched her skip out of the door and prepared myself for Alex's return so I could end things.

He didn't come home.

Tuesday October 18th

I woke up with a very sore throat. With no Alex there to go and get me painkillers I had to call in sick to work and then drag my unwell arse to the chemist, feeling sorry for myself.

The lady behind the counter gave me some ibuprofen and made a motherly ‘you look awful face' face at me as I
handed her the money. Just as I was shuffling out the door, who walks in? Miss Tits. I averted my gaze and pushed past her, but she grabbed my arm.

‘Can we talk for a second, Phoebe? I just need a minute.'

‘Oh, this should be good,' I said, standing on the pavement beside her and letting the door close. ‘What could you possibly have to say to me?'

‘That I'm sorry. I know I did a shitty thing to you and I'm sorry.'

I was dumbstruck.

‘After Alex cheated on me, I wanted to kill that fucking waitress, but then I realized, I'd done exactly the same thing to you and—'

‘What waitress?' I snapped. ‘When?'

‘Few months ago. I tried to forgive him, I even believed getting married would change him, but then I found out he was
still
sleeping with her. I fired him and I moved out of the flat. The guy is a chancing shit, he always will be.'

I could feel the rage building up inside me. ‘You. Left. Him?' She had no idea we were back together. ‘Where is he now?' I asked.

‘Oh, he'll be back in the flat, I'd imagine, looking for the next mug. He's scared of being alone. He doesn't know how to be on his own. Anyway, I'm sorry and that's all I wanted to say.'

‘Thank you,' I said. ‘I can't say I'm sorry it didn't work out, but I appreciate that. You've no idea how much.' I walked back home in a daze.

HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO STUPID? Oh, I'll kill him when I see him, I'LL FUCKING KILL HIM!

Wednesday October 19th

OK, so I didn't kill him, but I did throw him out. That was the easy part.

‘She's making that up, Phoebe! She's just hurt. There was never anyone else. I decided it wasn't working and asked her to leave. That's all there is to it.'

‘Oh, shut up. Just shut up!' I said, fed up with hearing the sound of his voice. ‘I cannot believe I fell for your bullshit AGAIN. You don't want me. You're just frightened that no one else will put up with your lies and—'

‘I'm not lying, Phoebe.'

‘Of course you're lying!' I shouted. ‘You just can't stop lying – you're like the Lord of the Lies!'

I threw some of his stuff into a carrier bag and handed it to him on the way out.

‘It's that weight-gain thing, isn't it?' he snarled, finally showing his true colours. ‘I called you on being fat and you just can't hack it.'

‘Do you know what?' I shouted, forcing his bag into his hand. ‘I was concerned about my weight for a while and a very good friend of mine pointed out that whether I lost or gained, no else gave a shit. I was still me.'

‘Well, Lucy
would
say that,' he scoffed. ‘Women always say that crap.'

‘Oh, it wasn't Lucy,' I said, moving closer to him. ‘It was Oliver. Oliver who happily fucked me and my extra ten pounds for
months
. So it seems not all men are as superficial as you.'

He stopped smiling. ‘You slept with Oliver?'

‘Many, many times,' I said, smiling.

‘Well, if he was so happy about it, why isn't he fucking you now? Maybe he found someone thinner.'

‘No, that was my mistake. We would still be sleeping together if I hadn't LOST MY FUCKING MIND! How did I EVER think you were good enough for me? Now fuck off.'

‘Look, can I just say something?' he yelled as he was leaving, desperate to have the last word.

‘No,' I said, and firmly closed the door.

And now the hard part. Here I am. Back to square one. No partner, no sex life and, what pains me the most, no Oliver. Out of all the mistakes I've made this year, it's my only true regret.

Thursday October 20th

Oh for the love of God, I feel awful today and it has nothing to do with that miserable toad Alex, although he has been pestering me with texts all morning. I have a temperature, my throat is killing me and I don't even want a cigarette. This must be serious. The selfish part of me wishes I'd kept Alex around to run after me and then infected him with this stupid mystery illness before I kicked him out.

Friday October 21st

One emergency appointment at the doctors later and I've returned home with a two-week antibiotic prescription for tonsillitis. What am I, twelve? Still, I'm happy to get a few
days off work, but no one will come and look after me for fear of getting the lurgy. I want my mum, but she's in Canada. It's usually the kids who move as far away as possible from their parents, not the other way around. All the rest of the family went to Canada too, so at least they'll have someone handy if they get sick. Pah. Oliver would have looked after me. I want a pity party complete with emotionally unstable dancing girls and whining.