The Lighter Side of Large (48 page)

“He
what
?” I gasp. “I never canoodled with my ex. What are you…” I stop, recalling how Mika had grabbed and kissed me. Did Jae see that?

Amanda arches an accusing eyebrow. “What’s the matter Bella? Now that your career is going down the drain, you thought you could pull the string on your own personal marionette to dance to your tune? What was Jae to you? Just a puppet you used to stroke your ego while you were getting yourself together and then discarded when he was no longer useful and you were on your way to better and bigger things? I have news for you Bella: Jae is not your puppet. You wounded him deeply. If you have any decency left in you, just leave him alone.”

All my former feelings drain out of me and I stand there, broken with awareness of what I’ve become. I became my sister, using people, selfish, “me”-centered. I drove away Jae because I just
had
to write about one of our nights together. I created bad publicity for his business. No wonder he doesn’t want to talk to me. And I thought I was helping others by addressing discrimination, but I have just traded one victim’s role for another. No, I’m worse than a victim: I have become the abuser, taking those around me for granted, going after what I wanted without considering how it affects them. Before, I was fat, betrayed and abandoned; now I am no longer fat but I am the betrayer, and no wonder Jae abandoned me.

My voice quavers with emotion. “What Jae saw was Mika forcing a kiss on me. If he had watched longer, he would have seen me kick Mika out of the house. I love Jae and I would never knowingly do anything…” I bite my lip and tears threaten to pour as I realise that I have done exactly what she accused me of: using Jae to stroke my ego. I relied on his love and acceptance for my own sense of worth. I placed him on a pedestal; thinking that having a man love me would save me from myself. But that pedestal collapsed and the man was nowhere to be found - what now?

I look up. Amanda is looking at me, perplexed, like she is expecting something more, but I don’t know what to say. I could defend myself with righteous indignation, but how can I defend myself when so much of what she accuses me of is true? Instead I lower my eyes and my voice and do something I never thought I would be doing ten minutes ago. “I’m sorry for barging into your office like this and for the trouble I caused to your business and to Jae. I hope one day you both can find it in your hearts to forgive me.” Without waiting for a response, I turn towards the door.

“By the way, how are your friend and her son?” Amanda asks.

“I haven’t spoken with them in a while,” I admit, keeping my back to her.

“Tell them I said hello. Now, if you will excuse me, I have a phone call to get back to. Is there anything else you wish to discuss?”

I shake my head. “No.”

•

It is with great trepidation that I park along the curb outside Café Crave. I turn off the engine and sit there, afraid to go inside. I texted Riyaan and Sands the day before, saying I have some apologies to make and asking them to meet me at the café. Whether they will or not is another matter, because neither texted back.

I chicken out. “This is a bad idea,” I say and turn the key in the ignition. The engine doesn’t start. I turn it again.
Click-click-click.
The gauges are vibrating. I pump the gas.
Click-click-click.
The engine still won’t turn over. I give up lest I flood the engine. “Looks like I’m not going anywhere.”

I get out of the car and approach the café. I open the door - and my eyes land on Riyaan, Sands and Cat in a corner booth. Sands sees me approach but I can’t tell whether she is glad or mad to see me.

“Hi, guys,” I say with a half smile. “Thanks for coming.” I slide into the booth next to Sands. Riyaan and Cat sit across from us.

“Hey there,” Riyaan greets me. Cat is preoccupied with her reflection in a spoon. Sands stirs her coffee.

“Can I get you something to drink?” Riyaan offers.

“No,” I reply. “I just came here to tell you all that I’m sorry for the way I’ve been acting and not calling or seeing you. I’ve been really selfish lately. In fact, I’ve been acting a lot like my sister and that really disturbs me. I never meant to hurt any of you and I’m sorry that I have. If you never want to talk to me again, I understand. But I wanted to let you know that I do care about you and if you ever need anything, just call me. I’m there for you.”

No one says anything. I turn to Sands. “Sands, you mentioned a break-up and I treated it very lightly. I’d like to hear more about it.” I smile at Riyaan. “And I’d like to hear more about you two, if you have time.”

Sands doesn’t respond. Riyaan glances at her then back to me. “Sure, I have time. We’re doing well. Cat and I are getting to know one another and she’s getting counselling and living in a group home.”

“That’s wonderful,” I nod.

Riyaan shrugs. “It’s a start. But you gotta start somewhere.”

“I take pills now,” Cat volunteers, still looking at the spoon. “Lots of pretty pills. Supposed to make me think more clearly, but I think they just make me crabby.”

“Like you need a pill for that,” Sands mutters.

“Maybe I will have something to drink,” I say, getting up.

“No, I’ll get it,” Riyaan says, hopping up before I can stand. “Fat-free cap, right?”

“Yes, thanks,” I say. And then I am left alone in the booth with a crazy person and an angry person. I wonder if I should say anything more. What else can I say? I don’t want to come off as pleading.

When Riyaan comes back with my cappuccino, Sands finally speaks. “We read the article in the Gab Gazette.”

I can’t tell whether it is an accusation or a statement of fact. I look at my lap. “Yeah, so has half of New Zealand. The magazine cancelled my article and book contract because of it.”

“Magazine?” Sands echoes.

“Book contract?” says Riyaan.

“Uh, yeah.”
There is so much they don’t know. Whose fault is that?
“
Fab You
gave me a job writing a monthly article along the same lines as my newspaper column. They also gave me a contract to turn it into a book. But once the
Gab
twisted me into a fake, the magazine backed out. Tiresa gave the
Gab
an old photo of me, so I assume she’s the one who told them I planned on getting plastic surgery.”

Sands looks me in the eye. “So it’s true? You really are getting surgery? After what happened with the lap band procedure, you’re going to try to kill yourself again?”

“Why is everyone so dead set against plastic surgery?” I ask. “I’m not trying to kill myself. I’m just getting a bit of work done to complement my weight loss, to fix the things that working out is not going to fix.”

“Not if you work long and hard enough,” Sands disagrees.

“Girls, please don’t start arguing,” Riyaan referees. “Plastic surgery is a personal choice and everyone has their opinion about it. If you want surgery, Bella,” Riyaan clasps my hand, “then I’ll support you. I don’t think you need a bit of work done, but if that’s what you want and it makes you happy, then I’m happy.” He gives Sands a glare. “There, see? That was easy. Now kiss and make up.”

“They’re not gay,” Cat informs him.

Sands waves aside the thought. “Never mind. If you don’t mind me prying, how are you going to pay for plastic surgery? Did you win the lottery, too?”

I sip my cappuccino. “I took out a loan against my book advance. Now that there is no book advance, I’ll just have to pay it off a little at a time with the money I get from my newspaper column. I hope to get more writing gigs but right now, I don’t know how. You should read the hateful comments on my blog. I guess I’ll need to invent a pen name and start a new blog on the same topic, or start a new topic.”

“Maybe you can help me on my new blog,” Sands suggests.

I stare at her, mouth gaping. “
You
started a blog?”

Sands rolls her eyes. “Thanks for your vote of confidence.”

“No, no,” I lay a hand on her arm, “I mean, I’m surprised because you never liked writing before. What’s the blog about?”

“Exercise and dieting,” she says. “It’s more than a blog. I’ve had this idea to start a web site to help people keep track of their exercising and caloric intake with an online diary. Not like a diet plan, but something more realistic, like articles about eating right and ideas for meals and exercises people can do. More of a support plan rather than a regime they have to follow. It will also feature a forum where people can connect and find support. I’ve also been thinking about writing a book.”

“That’s awesome,” I say. “It sounds like something I’d use. Where do I sign up?”

Sands shrugs. “Actually, I need your help getting it off the ground. Can you write web content and make it sound exciting?”

“You bet I can,” I laugh.

“And then Riyaan said I had to link it to social media, which I have no clue how to do.”

“I can do that, too,” I say. “And you should really put an advertisement on singles sites, because there are probably a lot of people on diets on those.”

Sands ventures a smile. “Maybe we can go into business together. I come up with the ideas and you write them down.”

“I’d love to,” I laugh and put my arm around her.

Riyaan’s grin almost doesn’t fit his face. “And they all lived happily ever after,” he claps his hands.

“Are you?” Cat asks.

“’Are you’ what?” I ask.

Cat puts down the spoon and pick up the sugar dispenser. “Are you happy?”

“I think so,” I reply. “I mean, tomorrow is Tiresa’s wedding and I met most of my goals that I wanted to meet by this time, though I’ve lost most of them, but yes, I think I’m finally happy. Happier, at least. But with my surgery tomorrow, I can’t go to the wedding. I no longer have a boyfriend, so showing up on the arm of a handsome gentleman is out of the question, anyway.”

“You and Jae broke up?” Sands asks. “I don’t believe it.”

“Believe it,” I nod. “We haven’t talked in a couple weeks. He’s against the surgery and is upset about something I wrote. It’s a long story. I’ll tell you about it some other time.”

“Do you still have your list of goals?” Riyaan asks.

I reach for my purse. “They’re here somewhere.” I pull out the crumpled yellow paper and smooth it out on the table. “Wow,” I observe, “those are some pretty selfish goals.”

“Wanting to lose weight, be successful and financially stable is not selfish,” Sands argues. “Neither is finding a good man.”

“I wish I could find a good man,” Riyaan says wistfully.

We laugh at him. “What I mean is that there’s more to life than the outward things. These are all outward goals. In these past several months, I’ve discovered there is more to life than finding a man and a career and achieving the perfect body, because I had most of that and I still wasn’t happy. I may not ever be glamorous or have the perfect body even after tomorrow, but I know who I am now and what I can achieve. I finally respect myself. I can look in the mirror and not be ashamed. And it’s the quality of my relationships with friends and family, which really make life worthwhile.

“She finally gets it,” murmurs Cat.

Bella’s NEW 9 MONTH GOALS

1. To love my body as it is

2. To salvage my career into something greater

3. To be financially stable

4. To be happy as a single woman

5. To be a better mom, friend and daughter

•

“Hello, sweetheart,” Dad says when he answers my call. “Have you heard the news?”

“Dad!” I exclaim. “How are you? What news? How are you feeling?” I ask.

“Calm down, one question at a time,” he laughs. “You sound like we haven’t spoken in ages.”

“We haven’t, and it’s all my fault,” I confess. “I’m sorry. How have your treatments been? Are you sick? Do I need to come over and help you with anything? I’ll need to call Sands for a lift. My car died.”

“Bella, I’m fine. You can borrow my car if you need to. Now give me a chance to get a word in edgewise. Tiresa is having second thoughts and there may not be a wedding.”

I pause and sigh. “That’s a relief,”

“It is?” he questions, the surprise evident in his voice. “Are you saying that out of jealousy or anger, considering the circumstances?”

“No,” I hurry to reassure him. “I think Tiresa is making a mistake. She can do better than Mika. He’ll just cheat on her and break her heart, like he did to me. I wasn’t going to the wedding anyway because of my surgery.”

“Mama Rose is confident the wedding will go on as planned.”