The Light of the World (15 page)

"Hello?" I call out but try not to be too loud.
"Hello. Your house is on fire."

No dogs and no people. I close the back door
quickly and strip naked. I ball up my clothes and shoes and dump
them into the garbage in the kitchen. The house smells like
cleaner. Old people's house for sure. I tiptoe and try not to make
any mess.

I open the fridge and devour the ham sandwich I
find. I drink a huge glass of milk and stuff two huge raisin
pumpkin muffins down my throat. Eating has completely become about
survival. I rifle through the drawers and cupboards. I find a stash
of money taped to the lid of a cookie jar. I steal their power bill
from the counter and slice it open. I stuff the money inside. I'll
get someone to mail them the money I stole. I'll need their address
when I repay them.

I climb the hardwood stairs, assuming the
bedrooms are upstairs. For once I am completely grateful my eyes
see what they see. I function like normal in the dark.

I climb into the shower and rinse the sand and
salt off. With the shower curtain and bathroom door open, I shampoo
and condition quickly. That way I can see if a car pulls into the
driveway and lights the front of the house up.

The soap smells like roses and old ladies. I
love it. I love old people. Always have. Kids, not so much but old
people yes.

I climb out and grab a towel from the cupboard.
I towel off quickly. I ball my towel and place it in the hamper in
the master bedroom. I dry the floor with my hair towel and fire it
in the hamper too. I fish through the closet and find men's jogging
pants and a thick t-shirt and a sweater. I pull it all on. I am
finally feeling warm again. I take a coat that is at the back of
the closet. I hope it's something he doesn’t wear. I put on triple
socks and some old shoes he has in there. Old loafers. I feel like
a homeless person. I look like a homeless person.

I slip down the stairs and out into the night,
before they come home to find not-so-goldilocks cross-dressing in
their bedroom.

I'm better at this than I would have imagined.
For the cozy life I've led, I'm not doing too badly.

I walk along the sea wall and realize the
starvation is still there. I'm starving for something that ham and
cheese on white bread can't cure. I rub my hands together and feel
something I've never felt before. I feel something calling me. It
pulls right. I turn up a street away from the bridge and the water.
I cross the street and turn down another street. I stop feeling it.
I look around for whatever it was that was calling me.

Nothing is there. I hear a car's tires driving
on the wet pavement. I feel a strange feeling, excitement and fear
mixing in my belly. I duck into a bush just in time to see the
silver white Lexus driving slowly. I don’t see his face. I don’t
need to. Seeing the fancy sports car in the small town is
enough.

I wait and sneak into the yard of the house I'm
hiding in. I creep in the back yard to the next house over. It has
no lights on. I slip into the car in the driveway and look around
in the dark for the keys. I don’t find any. I get out and look
around the car. A small box is hidden on the back of the car. It's
tucked up in a lip. I slide if open and take the key. I get in and
start the small car. It smells like smoke and mildew. It rattles
and clunks down the road but at least I can get over the bridges
and then ditch it.

I drive over the Newport Bridge and then cross
the Jamestown Bridge. The car clangs along until I reach the
Warwick exit. I pull over and leave a twenty-dollar bill in the
ashtray and close it. I lock the car and put the key back. She
might not have given birth to me but I am Willow's daughter. She
taught me about Karma.

I leave the car and walk toward Warwick until I
can smell the ocean. I think I know where the house is. I don’t
think they'll let me stay, but I am hoping to at least get some
answers.

I know I'm close when I smell something I've
smelled before. It makes my heart race and my stomach churn. I
can't fight the feelings. My body turns away from the sidewalk and
pulls me to the scent that’s floating on the wind. I'm like Toucan
Sam. I follow it to a garage with the door open. I walk in. I am on
autopilot. A man is bent over the hood of a car whistling.

He sees me and at first he scowls. He's about to
be rude to me. I can see it in his dark brown eyes. Instead he
smiles, like he's lost. He's about fifty and covered in freckles
and grease. His dark brown hair is matted to his head on one side
from the gear dope.
He walks toward me, like I am the almighty savior. My brain is
panicking but my body has taken over. It has a need.

My hands reach for him. My lips brush against
his and I can smell grease and spaghetti. He kisses me
passionately. I pull back and hover over his face. I inhale him.
The spaghetti is gone, replaced with lust and the sweetness of his
soul in my mouth. I feel naughty tingles down low in my belly as I
drag the last of him away. His body crumples onto the cold
concrete. I twitch and step away. I lean against the tool-covered
wall of his shop. As I'm twitching and fighting my knees buckling
an older lady comes into the garage through another door on the
other side of the car. She is holding a grocery bag. She sees me
and frowns. She can't see his dead body. It's behind the car.
"Who are you?"

I stutter, "H-h-h-he needed help."

She looks confused, "Son you better get out of
here. He's not going to be happy if he sees you snooping around in
this garage. He gets mean when he finds people doing things he
doesn’t want them to do."

I nod and turn away.

"Just a sec kid. Come to the front door." She
leaves the bag on the floor and walks back into the house.

My legs gain their strength as the pleasure and
sensations die down. I walk to the front of the house. She opens
the door and passes me a sandwich.

"Try to find somewhere warm. You poor
thing."

The sandwich feels like a warm beating heart in
my fingers. I fight back the tears. I am a sick monster.

I turn and walk and lose the battle. Tears flood
my eyes and soak my cheeks. I stumble out into the night gripping
the sandwich she made me. I don’t know how to fix the karma I now
have, for what I took from her.

I apparently don't remember the way to the
witch's house. I want to call Willow and get her to come and get
me. I know the other witches won't let me stay there, but maybe
Willow will leave with me. I feel just lonely and selfish enough to
ask her for it. I know it'll be the end of her, but I'm scared this
is the end of me.

I stumble down onto the beach behind a quiet
house. I sit on the rocks and sand and dig my fingers into the
beach.

The cool night air is lost on me. Feeding from
him has warmed me up, everywhere except my heart.

The water laps at the dock near me. The waves
drag slowly up and down the pebbled shore. The noises get to be
relaxing. I dig my fingers into the sand, deep. I feel something
remarkable. The sand has a pulse. At first I think it's mine but
it's too slow. The earth pulses around my fingers. The earth is
alive. I close my eyes and let the pulse start to beat through my
body.

I look around the bay I'm sitting in and the
houses and properties. I'm sad for many other things I haven’t even
touched on. Probably because I haven’t given up on them yet. My
dream to get my PhD from Yale and to be a linguist and work for the
UN. Then maybe get married one day and buy a big fancy house and
have some kids. I can still imagine Willow as a grandma. Feeding
them carob bark and seltzers made from fruit juice.

I have been building a life and desires for
something I won't ever have. Or can I? Can I have the things I
want? Can I go back to the school and only eat when I truly have
to? Can I live the way Willow taught me and only eat when truly
necessary? Can I just say no to the sins of the world?

I rub the sand and let the pulse work its way
through me.

I can do it. I can have a normal life. I can at
least try.

I stand and walk to Warwick. I find a payphone
and call Mona collect.

"Oh my god what are you doing? Where have you
been?" She answers in a panic.

"Mona I need a favor. Can you text a message to
Wyatt from my cell?"

"Where are you?"

"Home. I forgot my phone."

She is silent. "Rayne, Willow has been texting
and calling non stop."

I cringe, "She isn’t at home. She's at a
friend’s on the sea."

"She said if I was to hear from you I should
give you a message."

Butterflies fill my stomach, "What message."

"Stay away from the campus. She said you're not
safe and no matter what you think you need to find the light. What
does that mean?"

I lean against the payphone booth, "Not sure." I
sigh. Where the hell am I supposed to go? "I need help and I don’t
know where else to go or what to do."

"Where are you for real?" Of course she would
know I'm lying.

"Warwick."

"I'll be there in a few hours. Where should I
meet you?"

I want to protest and be a good friend and keep
her out of my problems, but I don’t. I'm a selfish asshole.

"Aqua Vista Marina. I will be sitting at the end
of the shortest pier."

"It'll take me probably four or five hours. Are
you okay?"

I nod as silent tears slither down my cheeks,
"Yup."

Her breath in the phone and her existence are
the only things keeping me from losing my mind, completely.

"See you soon."

"Bye. Thank you so much."

"You'd do the same for me."

I would. I know that but it doesn’t make the
trespass I am committing on her kindness, any less harsh. I am
asking her to enter into something dangerous.

When the phone disconnects I feel the sharp cold
of the morning air. Dawn is coming. I walk along the beach and
wait.

I waste my time at a diner. I have coffee and
breakfast and when I get bored I go to a second hand store and buy
new clothes. I get new underwear and a bandeau in the package
still. The rest of the clothes stink like second hand clothes
always do, but it's better than wearing the stolen old man clothes.
I pull my long hair into a ponytail and walk down to the pier.

I'm huddled with a hot cup of cocoa when I hear
the squeals.

I glance up and smile before I realize what I'm
looking at.

Michelle and Mona are climbing out of a gorgeous
white silver SUV. I will bet money it's a Lexus.

Fuck.

Wyatt gets out of the drivers seat and looks
furious. I drop my cocoa into the ocean. I stand and walk
backwards.

"Why did you call him?"

Mona sees the panic on my face and meets my eyes
with her own. She shakes her head with a twitch.

Michelle struts up to me. I can't help but
notice the glittery high-tops and skinny jeans.

"He wanted to come and help Rayne."

He smiles. It's cocky and it makes my blood
boil.

"Get in the car Rayne." His dead eyes are colder
than I've ever seen them. They don’t match the smile crossing his
lips.

Mona runs to me. Michelle and Mona hug me.

Michelle pulls me back, "What the eff are you
wearing? You smell homeless?"

My lip trembles and I shudder, "I am homeless."
Tears stream down my cheeks.

Their eyes fill with tears and they hug me.

"Honey, don’t cry. You're making me cry."

"Rayne don’t cry. We'll go get Willow and you'll
feel better."

I pull back and sniffle, "She isn’t my mom. Not
my real mom. She is my guardian. She doesn’t want me to live with
her anymore and dickface over there burned my house to the ground
anyway. I have nowhere to go."

Mona looks at Wyatt and then me, "He said you
needed us. He said you would say stuff like that. You're just tired
Rayne."

Michelle looks at me, "A lot of freshmen crack
the first year sweetie. It's a lot of pressure. You've always had
such a sheltered life. The stress is probably more than you can
take right now."

I stop sniffling and watch them both patronize
me.

"You just need a few days of rest. You've been
so down since we started school. We won't let you hurt
yourself."

"No, we love you Rayne. Willow loves you.
Everyone gets a little down now and then. It's so obvious with all
the sleeping and stuff, I'm sorry we missed the cries for
help."

I push away and look at him, "You told them I
was fucking crazy? You're an asshole."

Michelle looks back at him, "He told us about
how he was trying to help you and you kept pushing him away. His
heart is broken Rayne."

Mona smiles softly, "He only ever wanted to help
you. That’s why he tried to stop you from hooking up and tried to
be there for you."

The world feels like it closes in on me. I walk
past them both to the SUV. I walk slowly and watch his eyes, "So
you've loved me all along?"

He gives a nod and watches Michelle and
Mona.

"Why did you slap the shit out of me on the
grass?"

He shakes his head, "She is hallucinating. I
never hit her. I wouldn’t ever hurt her."

I look back at them, "You saw him manhandle me
at the bar and Mona you threw a beer at him for Christ's sake."

"I was trying to save you from another
meaningless one night stand." His voice has a hint of humor.

I laugh. It's bitter and full of spite.

I look at Mona and Michelle and raise an
eyebrow, "You want proof? Fine." I break into a run. Wyatt is
chasing me. I can hear his feet on the boardwalk. I run hard to the
end of the pier and jump in. He follows me into the water this
time. One of the water angel's things is there instantly. She glows
and her pretty face turns to anger and pain. She screams at him and
grabs him.