The Light in the Wound (25 page)

“Isabel? Did you hear me?”

“Yes, I did. And I’m confused. What changed, Jesse?”

“Nothing changed, Isabel. That’s the thing. I had all the freedom in the world to do whatever it was that I wanted, and all I could think about was you. I realized this after the first month in Boston. No one could replace you.”

“What happened between you and Katrina?”

“I tried to take what she offered me from the first day we got there. It just wasn’t what I wanted. You have stolen my heart, Isabel. I never really thought it was lost until I tried to use it.”

“So you were with her? How long, Jesse?” I dug my nails into the palm of my hand, trying to concentrate on the pain instead of his words. I wondered if bleeding would ease the sting of his truths and provide release through some way other than my tears.

“I swear, Isabel. One night. That was it. I didn’t try to call or write you because I felt so guilty about what happened. You didn’t deserve to be hurt again, and I didn’t deserve you.”

“But?” My wounds had reopened.

“But I couldn’t lie to myself anymore to think I was doing what was best for you. I told myself that I would tell you the truth and see if our six years together still meant something to you.”

“Jesse,” I let out shakily as I took a deep breath, “you’re no longer the only guy I’ve ever been with.”

He looked straight at me and shook his head, trying to fathom what I just said. He then shut his eyes tight, as if grimacing in pain. He stayed that way for what seemed like forever.

Finally, he opened his eyes and said, “It’s okay. I can deal with that.”

“I’m not the same girl that you left three months ago, Jess. I’ve learned how to be myself again. I just got back my identity, and I’m never going to sacrifice that for anyone ever again.”

He took my hand, laced his fingers in between mine and smiled at me. “I wouldn’t have it any other way. Will you think about it, Iss? Will you think about coming back to me? We can get engaged next year, if you’d like. Once I start going for my master’s degree, we can start planning our wedding. It’s you I want, Iss. Just you.”

I can’t begin to describe how I felt as he said those words to me. They were words I’d been dying to hear, and yet somehow, they had lost their meaning.

“Here’s my new phone number, Iss. Call me tomorrow so we can talk more. I just purchased a condo in the city and will be moving out of my parents’ home next weekend. I received a signing bonus to join a well-coveted group within that multinational firm. It was offered to me as soon as training was over.”

I nodded my head and stood up to leave. “I’m going to head on home, Jesse. I’ll think about everything and call you in the morning.”

That night, I dreamed that I was on a carnival ride that kept looping around and around with no end in sight. I woke up utterly confused and extremely exhausted.

It was a huge task to try to concentrate at work after the conversation that Jesse and I had the night before. I finally sent him a message during my lunch break:

TEXT FROM ME: Where’s Katrina now? Are you still continuing your friendship with her?

JESSE: Not if you don’t want me to. I haven’t seen or spoken to her since a month before we left Boston.

ME: You have to stop all communication with her.

JESSE: Consider it done.

ME: Okay then.

JESSE: Okay then, you’ll try again okay then?

ME: Yes

JESSE: I love you

ME: :)

I stayed an hour after work to put some finishing touches on a speech I had written for my boss. My phone dinged just as I was about to start packing it up for the evening.

TEXT FROM JESSE: I told Bernard I would be picking you up from work today. Am downstairs just chilling. Take your time. I can make calls for work while waiting.

ME: Be down in 10 minutes

I crossed over from the elevator banks to Jesse’s waiting car in a secluded corner of the underground parking garage. He exited his car as he saw me approach and strode toward me with the most exhilarated look on his face. We stopped to face each other in the middle of the one-way lane. He leaned down to kiss me. He smelled the same; he tasted the same. All I could think about was the familiarity of everything that he was to me. I was looking forward to the ordinariness of our relationship. Too much had changed in the past few months, and I craved the stability that this was going to bring into my life.

Jesse drove me home, asked to stay the night and I let him. “You look different,” he murmured, as I undressed to get into bed with him. “Your arms and legs are so toned. So smooth. So sexy.”

“I’ve been riding at least once a week again. My instructor has me doing strengthening exercises since I lost some muscle when I stopped years ago,” I answered, looking away and embarrassed that he noticed.

“I can’t wait to start watching you compete. I want to be at every event,” he hissed as he pinned my arms above my head while he kissed me. “I missed you so much, my Isabel. I need to know that I truly have you back. Somehow you still feel so far away from me. Tell me you’re mine, show me that there’ll never be anyone else.”

“I’m yours, Jesse. All yours,” I gasped.

He took his time exploring me that night and got reacquainted with every part of my body. But when it came time for my release, a face so clearly flashed in my mind and helped lead me to completion. It was the face I have long known was always with me. It was Alex.

A week after Jesse and I got back together, I called Alex to tell him the news. I didn’t want him to think that I was hiding anything from him. I knew that he would be happy for me no matter what I decided to do. He didn’t sound surprised; in fact, he made it seem like it was something that was inevitable.

“I knew that all you both needed was some time, Isa. I’m happy for you if you promise me that you’re happy.”

“I am happy, Alex. Thank you.”

I was disappointed that he had reacted so calmly. I immediately called Betty to tell her what I thought.

“Is he really serious with Amanda now? Is that why he sounded so nonchalant about it?” I asked.

“Isabel, the guy is trying to move on. Apparently, so are you. So stop overthinking everything and just take it for what it is.”

She was right. Everything had fallen into place and I was wishing it was the same messed up way it had been only a few months ago. I should be happy that Jesse was back. I loved him with all my heart. He was kind and considerate and went out of his way to see me every single day after work. His parents and brothers and sisters were ecstatic that we had gotten back together. When I called both Evie and my mother with the news, they were more apprehensive about it than I had expected. My mother told me to make sure that the girl was now out of the picture. Evie told me not to settle just because I didn’t want to be alone. There were mixed meanings in both of their messages, but I chose to chalk it up to their genuine concern for my wellbeing. They both asked about Alex and I assured them that he had already moved on.

“I could spend a lifetime

Delighting in the image of the Friend.

But once my heart beholds the Friend,

Then pain becomes more precious

Than a thousand delights.”

—Rumi

Life was back to more of a routine. Alex and I had even attempted to be friends again. One night, I had the bright idea to invite both him and Amanda on a double date with Jesse and me. Dinner started out well, with the four of us just catching up on work and making all sorts of chit-chat over unrelated and unimportant things. The tension between Alex and me was palpable. Every gesture that either of us made caused more friction as the night wore on. I caught him staring at me a few times. His girlfriend’s squeaky voice and touchy-feely attitude had begun to irritate me. I rolled my eyes when he held her hand. At some point in our meaningless conversation, Jesse addressed me as his wife.

“You’re not married,” Alex snapped back at him.

Jesse took my hand, held it to his lips and kissed it. “But we will be,” he goaded.

Then it was Alex’s turn to roll his eyes. No one was interested in dessert by the time dinner was over. Later on that night, I wondered whether Alex was as excited to get Amanda all to himself as Jesse had been with me. It angered me to think that could be the case. I couldn’t help myself as I picked up the phone to call him.

“Hello?”

“I can’t believe it, you said you loved me.”

“Listen to yourself! You went back to him, Isabel.”

Exactly one month after Jesse and I got back together, Betty and I were walking around the mall trying to find an outfit to wear to a charity event scheduled to take place the next evening. Betty and Leigh had recently gotten engaged, and the four of us were going to attend the ball on behalf of our families. She was bursting at the seams to tell me something, but was trying to find the right time to do so.

“Okay, spit it out, B. You’ve been looking at me funny ever since we got here. Do I have snot coming out of my nose or something?”

“Isa, I think Alex is going to get engaged.”

“Huh? What? He just started dating her over a month ago. That’s impossible.”

“Actually, no. He met her in Europe and they toured together for almost a year. Even if they weren’t exclusive, he’s known her for a while. His mom told my mom that they were shopping for an engagement ring. I haven’t had a chance to ask Alex about it. Leigh said that he’d tell me if he wanted me to know.”

“Of course he won’t want you to know. You’re my friend.” I was surprised at my reaction. My knees felt like buckling. I wanted to cry. I wanted Betty to take my side and tell me that he was crazy, but she didn’t. I felt worse than I had when Jesse broke up with me. That’s when I knew. I just knew.

Without a word, I grabbed her arm, led her to a bench and pulled her down to sit next to me. Quietly and with so much certainty, I looked in her eyes and pleaded, “Help me. I love him. I don’t want to lose him.”