The Life List (The List Trilogy) (20 page)

“Was the test she took when she was seventeen wrong?”

I can feel Kurt’s eyes fixated on me like I’m in big trouble, so I keep my head down. He answers: his voice, contemptuous.

“No, it was right.”

“But how do you know for sure?”

“Well, she had…”  He clears his throat, “an abortion.”

I’ve never heard him say that horrible word before. It sounded like he was speaking a foreign language. Like, as if the word handschuhschneeballwerfer just came flying out of his mouth. Coincidentally, handschuhschneeballwerfer is a word my grandpa used to throw around. It’s German and it means coward. Seems appropriate to use that word at the moment.

“But what made you believe her and drive her to get the abortion?”

“I don’t know.”

“Really? I mean, there has to be
something
that made that experience different than the one you had in October to have made you act on it.”

Wowza, he looks wayyyyyy pissed right now.

“
I don’t know
…I guess it’s because she took the pregnancy test at a clinic and the person said it was positive.”

He’s getting awfully shifty over there on that couch.

“What if a technician never administered the test, would Chrissy’s word have been enough or would she have had to drive herself to have the abortion?”

“That’s ridiculous, of course not! I’m not sure what she told you but we got through that ordeal just fine. We’ve been together for twelve years, we got married didn’t we?! I can’t be doing everything wrong.”

“I’m not implying you’re the only reason we’re sitting here today. But I do think Chrissy needs to understand why it’s so hard for you to talk about the miscarriage.”

“I guess I’m someone who needs proof before I get overwrought with happiness or sadness.”

“Kurt, I peed on a stick; a monkey could read the results. What more proof did you need?”

Dr. Maria puts her hand in the air to silence me.

“Let me ask you this, Kurt. If last October, Chrissy took a test in her doctor’s office and the pregnancy was confirmed right in front of you, would that have made the loss of the baby something you would’ve wanted to talk to Chrissy about?”

Kurt’s never been emotionally challenged like this before. I want to save him.

“I don’t see what the point of all this is. It’s in the past, and I don’t think it’s healthy to relive painful experiences over and over again.”

He doesn’t see the point of all of this
?! Save yourself.

“It’s understandable that you wouldn’t want to rehash the same tragedy over and over again, but can you tell me what you initially felt?  You know, right after Chrissy told you what happened.”

He’s smiling. He’s actually smiling. It’s not a funny smile, and it’s not a disrespectful smile, it’s just a smile meant to inform Dr. Maria that he will not be answering the question. I’ve seen it a million times before, and I’m curious to see how a professional responds to it.

“Okay then. Did you try to talk to Chrissy about the pain
she
might have been feeling?”

Hold on a minute! HE DIDN’T TALK ABOUT
HIS
PAIN! I WANT TO HEAR ABOUT
HIS
PAIN!

“No.”

And then he turns to me in his typical fatherly-like fashion.

“But you never tried to talk to me about it, so I let it go just like you did. How am I supposed to know when something bothers you if you don’t tell me?”

He makes me psychotic. My head shakes back and forth, my eyes roll back in my head, and my voice gets lost in my throat. I learned a long time ago to walk away from Kurt when he gets like this because I can’t win, but Dr. Maria nods her head at me to answer him.

“What would’ve been the point of talking to you about
that
pain when your response to all of my other pain has been ‘stop complaining’ or ‘get over it’? Sorry Kurt, but that miscarriage was the straw that broke the camel’s back of things I tried to talk to you about.”

He completely ignores me and turns to Dr. Maria.

“For the record, I did talk to her about what happened when we were younger. I never felt like it was the right thing to do, and she knew that.”

Excuse me
?!
Someone hold me back
!

“I needed support, not judgment!”

“Hey, I supported your choice! Why do I have to make you feel better about it for the rest of your life? Jesus, what we did was wrong, and I don’t know if I’ll ever forgive myself. But just like we got over what happened to us eleven years ago, we’ll get over what happened in October.”

“
We
? We didn’t get over anything. You did!”

Dr. Maria shushes me again with her hand in the air.

“Maybe it’s easy for you to move past things without talking, but your wife can’t. She needs to talk about her heartache and pain, and she needs you to do the same. Doing so will help you both have a more intimate connection. Isn’t that something you want?”

His elbows are resting on his legs and his fingers are like spider webs covering his eyes. It looks like he’s being tortured.

“Something created by the two of you was destroyed…twice. The most healing way to move past that is together. My goal in working with you is to help you feel everything, the good and the bad,
together
. Are you interested in that?”

“Hold on, I feel! I FEEL like I’ve been made out to be some evil, uncaring husband. Chrissy knows I love her and I don’t like it when she’s sad. But I can only be sad with her for so long. After a while, I don’t see the point in crying over the same thing.”

“How does she know you love her?”

“I tell her.”

“You tell her?”

“Yeah, that’s what I said. I tell her.”

“Would you believe Chrissy loved you if she didn’t eat what you wanted her to eat?”

Holy shit. I wanna crawl under the table.

“What are you talking about?”

“What if she refused to do the recreational activities you ask her to do or wake up as early as you ask her too? Would telling you she loved you be enough for you to feel it?”

Wow, she’s really going for it.

“I don’t do all of that stuff. I don’t
make her
do anything.”

“Yes, you do, and you make me feel bad if I don’t do it! You compare me to other people, and you constantly remind me that all you ever wanted was an adventurous wife. And if that’s not bad enough, you even criticize the things that I like to do for fun. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not good enough, Kurt!”

“Chrissy, let’s give Kurt an opportunity to speak without being attacked.”

What the
???? Whose side is she on here?

“Kurt, Chrissy feels like she’s done an awful lot of things for you that are outside of her comfort zone. She did them because she loves you and she wants you to be happy. However, she feels like the relationship has been one-sided in that way. Perhaps you’ve started to notice her reluctance to do things with you that normally she would.”

Surprisingly, he nods his head yes.

“It’s resentment that’s causing the reluctance, and resentment is
very dangerous
territory in a marriage.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

I didn’t think I had to remind her to keep Leo top secret but I also didn’t think she would drop that miscarriage bomb. She’s making me nervous.

“Resentment can lead to all sorts of things…adultery, separation, divorce. So before things potentially get out of control, I suggest you reach across the aisle a little, do some of the things your wife likes to do. To achieve some balance in the relationship, would you consider eating what Chrissy wants to eat or maybe lounge by the side of a pool and do nothing but talk to her for hours? How about sleeping in until noon on the weekends, just for the heck of it?”

Kurt’s chuckling like this is all one big joke.

“This is ridiculous. First of all, I resent the suggestion that divorce is where we’re headed. And second, I made it pretty apparent who I was before we got married and she was okay with all of it then. I don’t know where this is coming from.”

Omigod! I can’t take it anymore!

“No, Kurt! I
pretended
to be okay with all of it because I wanted you to love me! I was naïve and stupid, but I don’t wanna be those things anymore. And I’m not sixteen anymore, but for some sick reason in this relationship, I still am. I’m a twenty-eight-year- old woman who loves impractical shoes, cocktails on a Saturday afternoon, and coffee late at night, and
sometimes
all I want for dinner is Cheetos! I love working long hours at the office and sleeping in late on the weekends and NEITHER of those things will make me a bad mother one day. I hate bike riding and camping and water sports and I
really
hate the stupid outfits you make me wear to do it all. I swear to God if I get one more pair of Gortex socks for Christmas, I’m gonna scream. I want you to buy me something you think I want, not what you want me to want. And sometimes, I want you to do things that I like to do without adding your little sarcastic comments that suck the fun out of it. Do you see where all of this is coming from now!?”

Kurt’s staring at me with dragon nostrils and heavy breathing. He’s fucking pissed. For a second, I’m scared, but then relief sets in. I’m glad we’re cracking this marriage open. Let’s see what we really have when we’re exposed.

“Are you two okay? Does anyone need a break?”

In unison, “No.”

“Kurt, do you understand what Chrissy’s telling you?”

“Yeah.”

He does
?! Shit, now I’m nervous that he’s actually gonna try to do something to make me happy. It’s all I ever wanted until…I met Leo. Now I’m in too deep with him to let any man, even my husband, win over my heart. I screwed Kurt over by making him think I loved the real him, and now I’m screwing him all over again by making him think I ever could.

“Let’s move on a bit, guys. Kurt, what’s your relationship like with your family?”

Boy, if looks could kill.

“Why, did Chrissy tell you they’re evil or something?”

“No, but she mentioned they make her feel confused and a bit scared at times.”

“That’s ridiculous, scared of what?”

“Come on Kurt, please don’t act like you’ve never heard me complain. I’m always put on the defense with those people, and you take their side all the time. I walk away from every encounter with them feeling like I’m going crazy.”

Kurt slowly takes his gaze from me to Dr. Maria, and in a tone that implies I’m somewhat of a lunatic, “Chrissy comes from a very small family. She’s not used to the pandemonium that ensues in large families like mine.”

“Oh yeah, Kurt…what kind of pandemonium was ensuing the day of your college graduation!? Seriously, I gotta know… what was so chaotic that kept all ninety nine people in your family from celebrating your accomplishment?”

He smirks and shakes his head like I’ve lost my mind.

“How’s that funny, Kurt?
They shit on you
!” Turning to Dr. Maria, “Please tell me how we can have children when he thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to have them around those people and I think it would be child abuse?”

“Your concern is valid, and I’m not neglecting it. But, I’d like to cover a few other things before our time is up so I can give you some recommendations on what to work on before our next meeting. Is that okay?”

No it’s not okay! An answer to that question could be a clear-cut reason to end this marriage. It wouldn’t have to be about my mistakes. It could be about our differences.

“How’s your sex life?”

Oh boy, here we go…

“What sex life? She’s always working or tired.”

“No I’m not. I just don’t want to.”

He’s looking at me like I just shot his dick off.

“Then why do you tell me you’re tired all the time?”

“I’m
tired
of you telling me what to do. Really Kurt, do you expect me to get on all fours and DO IT after you just got done telling me to take three more bites of chicken? It’d be like having sex with my dad.”

Or like cheating on Leo, but let’s stay focused on today’s agenda.

“Jesus Christ, Chrissy, what’s wrong with you?”

“
What’s wrong with me
? Did you hear what I just told you? It’s no wonder I’ve never been able to have an orgasm with you.”

I stand corrected.
That’s
the look of having your dick shot off.

“That’s a fucking lie and you know it!”

“Hold on, Kurt.”

Thank God Dr. Maria butted in because I feel like I’m about to open up a twelve-year-old can of whoop ass on this guy.

“A woman has to feel cherished,
admired
, for her to want intimacy with a man.”

See, admiration! I knew it!

“Let’s start with some effort to address a few of Chrissy’s wants and needs, and we’ll see where the intimacy goes from there.”

Kurt’s screwed and not in the way he wants to be. There’s no way I’m having sex with him
and
Leo. I might be a lying, cheating, adulterous bitch, but I’m no skank and there will be NO double dipping! But let’s be real, there’s no point in worrying about fighting off Kurt just yet because what are the chances he’s actually gonna try to address my wants and needs?

We wrap up the session with Dr. Maria’s request to see each of us individually for a few months and then we’ll re-group after that. Kurt’s like “whatever,” and I’m like “sounds fine to me.”

I’m glad we drove separate cars to the appointment, because I need a few minutes alone to prepare myself for the war that’s gonna break out when we get home.

“I guess I’ll see you at home, Kurt.”

“Wait, babe. You know…you might’ve been right about some of that stuff in there.”

Whoooooda huh!? Never in a million years did I expect him to say that.

“Do you wanna grab a beer and some of those appetizers you’re always talking about before we go home?”

Apparently the chances of him addressing my needs aren’t as low as I thought.

As I look into the eyes of the man I once thought of as my knight in shining armor, I want to be happy with the little bit of effort he just mustered up. But I’m not. And the joylessness filling my soul helps me to answer all of the questions I had surrounding my motive for bringing Kurt to therapy. I didn’t bring him with me to save the marriage; I brought him with me to end it. I don’t want appetizers. I want my freedom. I’ve been forcing myself, Kurt, and Dr. Maria to believe it was things like eating cupcakes for lunch and sleeping in late on the weekends that would make me happy, but if I choose to settle for things like that…well, that’d make me the handschuhschneeballwerfer. What I want is so much bigger than that stuff. I want an intimate hand on the heart kind of connection with a man, and it’s time to confess to everyone, mostly myself, that I’ll never have it with Kurt.