The Libertine (15 page)

CHAPTER THIRTEEN

Chloris’s mood was so inflamed that she ran through the
forest to her horse as fast as her feet would carry her, not caring if her gown
ripped when it caught on the brambles or whether her boots and stockings became
stained with mud. When she mounted she urged her horse to a gallop, her blood
pumping, regret filling her.

Why had she allowed herself to drift into this situation with
him? It was a risk in every respect and yet she had ignored the voice in her
mind that had warned her. The answer was of course a simple one. Lennox had
seduced her, thoroughly, and because her passion for him had grown beyond bounds
she could not resist.
Foolish woman,
she chastised
herself, and rode without concern for safety, covering the ground fast.

When she saw Torquil House on the horizon, however, she drew up
and turned her mount away. Instead she rode in the direction of Saint
Andrews.

It was not a conscious decision, but as she battled with her
inner turmoil she soon found herself on the familiar streets where she had spent
her childhood years. It was the need to address her substance, to feel that she
belonged somewhere—even if that time had come and gone—that guided her from the
depth of her emotional chaos.

Chloris had never wanted to see the place again, before now.
However, she’d begun to exist only in respect of Lennox and that bond had
shattered so suddenly that she sought some other anchor. That was how she found
herself in front of the tall town house where she had been born, and where her
parents had lived and died.

Chloris dropped down from her saddle and stared at the familiar
building. She had not been on this street since she went to Edinburgh to marry
Gavin, and she had not stepped inside the house since Tamhas had taken her to
his home as his ward. She took a deep breath and told herself she was strong
enough to do this, to face the past, in order to ready herself for the
future.

Calling out to two passing lads, Chloris offered them the
reward of a coin each if they stood with her mount for a few minutes. They
gladly obliged, taking off their hats and petting the animal while she went to
the door.

“The master and mistress are not at home,” the serving girl
said when she opened the door and saw Chloris standing there.

“It is not your employers I wish to see. I used to live in this
house many years ago,” she explained, wishing that her voice did not waver so.
“Is anyone at home other than yourself?”

The girl shook her head. She was a timid girl.

“I will only ask for a small amount of your time. If you will
allow me to visit the old nursery I would be most grateful.”

She chewed at her lower lip for several moments before she
replied. “I should not, mistress.”

Chloris opened her hand, revealing the coins she offered in
return for the favor.

The girl’s eyes lit.

“I promise it will not take long. It is just to preserve my
memories, you see.”

After a prolonged ponder the girl’s decision was made and she
ushered Chloris inside. “Just the old nursery, you say?” She closed the front
door quickly and gestured to the stairs. “That would be the long room at the
back of the house overlooking the garden?”

“You understand me well, that is the very one.” Chloris pressed
the coins into the servant’s hand. The girl curtsied and then led the way
quickly up the stairs.

Chloris glanced about as she followed, noting the changes that
had been made, and the things that were the same as she remembered. As they
closed on the door to the old nursery, she steeled herself. There would be sad
memories, but happy ones, too.

The serving girl opened the door, then stood by.

“Thank you.” Chloris took a deep breath. It was time for her to
accept her lot in life and not chase fancy dreams, nor allow herself to grow
fond of a man who she should not have allowed into her life in the first
place.

The room was more sparsely furnished than it had been the last
time she had been in it, the work bench and chairs she had known gone, and in
their place a fancy armoire and several storage trunks. “The mistress of the
house has no children?”

“Oh, yes, but they are long since grown and married. This room
is not used at all now.”

Chloris nodded and then stepped farther into the room, her feet
tracing the familiar path to the fireplace where every morning she’d sat at her
mother’s side. Together they would read and study and Chloris had grown from a
child to a young woman here. Eithne was her companion in the afternoons, and
while they worked on their sewing—Eithne busy with the household repairs,
Chloris on her embroidery—Eithne would talk about the clans in the north and how
they lived very different lives to the Lowlanders. Eithne would sometimes tell
her fairy tales as well, stories of the strange and magical creatures who lived
in the sea and the mountains.

So it was that her mother had made her an educated young lady
who felt safe and loved, and Eithne had made her believe that magic was all
around. They had been golden days, until the illness came and took her parents,
and Chloris had found her world broken apart.

She ran her fingers along the stone mantel, but there was no
fire in the grate.

There had been no fire in the grate the last time she’d stood
here. It had not been laid because it was the day of the funeral and she should
have been walking alongside the cart that carried her parents’ coffins to the
Kirk.

Eithne had understood, even though she said it was wrong. “You
must do this, child. I know you do not want to say goodbye to them, but you
must.”

Chloris had clung to her, weeping. “I cannot.”

“You must hold your head up, whatever comes your way in this
life.”

Eithne was upset, and Chloris remembered her trembling even as
the buxom woman embraced and comforted her. Looking back on it, it occurred to
Chloris that Eithne had probably been warned that Tamhas Keavey would not
welcome her amongst his servants, and Eithne was doing her best to encourage
Chloris on a safe, respectable path.

“Come now,” she had said, “they are waiting for you to go down,
it is time.”

“I cannot, I do not want to live. I should be with them.”

Eithne kissed her forehead, and Chloris remembered the sense of
calm she had bestowed upon her then. Like magic.

“There is happiness ahead for you, my girl, dark days, too, but
you will always carry your loved ones inside you, and even when you cannot hold
them they will be in here—” she put her hand to her heart “—and that will help
you through. Look to the future, to those days when the sun will shine in your
heart.”

Chloris blinked. That’s how it had felt, when she was with
Lennox. Like the sun was shining in her heart. From the moment he had unlatched
the pearl choker from around her neck, he’d begun to free her of the deepest
grief she carried and replace those emotions with something fonder, something
happier. Memories to be cherished instead of grieved over.

Unfettered, is what he’d called it. And now she’d been brave
enough to come back here and face her history. Had Eithne the gift of future
sight? Would the brief happiness she’d known with Lennox over these past weeks
stay with her always, even though it was over now?

Yes, it would. Just as the love she had for her family was
locked in her heart and her memory. For a moment she felt Eithne’s warm
embrace—like a promise.

Then it was gone.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

Somehow Chloris made it through the rest of the day.
The memory of Eithne stayed with her, warming her. She even managed to be
convivial during dinner. Once she was alone in her chamber—and after the servant
turned down her bed covers and retired for the night—her emotions grew tangled
again. It was because she had lain here with Lennox. His presence still
lingered, it always did. She looked about the room, the one she’d always had at
Torquil House. The familiar damask curtains and the solid wooden furniture were
anchors in her turmoil, but it was him she ached for.

Then, as she undressed and reached for her nightgown, she was
reminded of Lennox’s horror when he thought that she was a weak woman, despised
by her husband. It was to be expected, she concluded. The women of Saint Andrews
that Lennox consorted with were no doubt much stronger than she. They would keep
their husbands happy and seek a secret affair bravely. Or they were witches,
strong women who upheld their beliefs when all around people feared and
condemned them. Nevertheless, she’d had a true taste of passion, happiness and
forbidden love. There was no love in her marriage, and to partake of it outside
of her marriage was a sin.

Yet these had been the happiest moments of her life.

It was over now. She sat on the edge of her bed in her
nightgown and considered the fact that she might never see Lennox again. The
ache in her chest was so great that when she lay down she thought she would die
of it.

She buried her face in her pillow, her thoughts running back
and forth over what had been said and why it had troubled her so.

“Chloris?”

It was a whisper so quiet, so gently inquiring, that she
thought she’d imagined it at first. Rolling onto her side she peered into the
gloom. The door clicked shut.

Lennox stood there in the shadows by the door, just as he had
that first night.

It wasn’t the same as before, though. Strangely enough, this
time it felt almost natural that he had come to her, and when he stepped past
the fireplace and the light from the embers caught his expression, it was a very
different man that she saw before her. Troubled, just as she was, if not more
so. The knot in her chest unraveled, threatening to unleash a barrage of
tears.

“Lennox.” As she rose to face him she battled the urge to run
into his arms.

Before she could leave the bedside he closed the gap between
them in fast strides and dropped to his knees before her. Grasping one of her
hands, he drew it to his lips and kissed her palm. “Forgive me, I had to see
you.”

Chloris stared down at his now familiar head and stroked his
hair distractedly. The way he approached—the yearning she felt—all of it
threatened her unsteady emotions. “You shouldn’t have risked coming here again.
You should
never
have risked it.”

He looked up at her, eyes glittering in the candlelight. “The
only thing I shouldn’t have done was be angry. I am in no position to judge. Can
you forgive me?”

Chloris inhaled slowly. “There is nothing to forgive, your
reaction was understandable.”

“Understandable?” He looked dismayed. Rising to his feet, he
held her gently by the shoulders. She noticed that his hair was tousled, his
shirt neck open. “That is why you hid yourself from me, isn’t it, because you
expect people to be upset by the sight of it?”

She nodded.

“No, Chloris. I was upset because I felt it, just as you had,
when I touched you.”

“No.” Could it be true?

He nodded, then leaned into her, kissing her forehead gently.
His voice grew quieter still. “Our connection is deep.”

Why did that make her ache so? Words were so easy for him.
Seduction was his way of life. To hear such a thing and wonder if it was true
tortured her.

“I could not bear to witness the images of him doing that to
you,” he added.

She closed her eyes. “I’m sorry. It was wrong of me to involve
you in my...situation. I tried to keep it to myself. Our time together was so
precious to me that I indulged. I let it last longer than it should have.”

His mood changed instantly. Grasping her shoulders more tightly
he looked into her eyes. “Don’t say that. We both wanted it, every moment of
it.”

The knot in her chest tightened again.

“You have changed me, my precious lover.” He cupped her face in
his hands. “The time we spent together has made me crave more. I want you,
Chloris. I want all of you, forever.”

Her lips parted and she went to respond, to deny him, but his
mouth covered hers in a possessive kiss, claiming her completely. Her body
pulsed with need. She acted on instinct, her hands moving up around his head,
her fingers tangling in his thick hair. With her emotions so raw, she could only
welcome him, running her tongue along the underside of his. There was no doubt
their desire was mutual. She wanted him, too.

His words made her realize that everything she felt was too
much, too dangerous. It was the tears that made it impossible to deny him
though, the nature of what had passed between them in anger and regret only
making her want him all the more.

She pulled back, swallowing hard as she looked up at him.

Could she trust him? Could she trust her instincts?

Not where he was concerned. Lennox was a forbidden pleasure for
her, and he was dangerous. He could easily weave a tall tale and make promises
that his magic would make the stars fall at her feet. She feared her desire for
him would blind her to the reality of her existence. But today she had gone
home, and she’d opened her eyes to everything—to the truth of the past, the
reality of her future. “It cannot be.”

“It can. I do not want you to hide anything from me ever
again.” He gestured at her nightgown. “Let me see you.”

It was a command.

The look in his eyes made her wonder if he was working magic on
her. But no, he needed to see, and she was shocked to discover that she was
compelled to show him, to reveal her shame to someone who cared for her in some
way.

Her fingers trembled as she went to the silk bow that held her
thin nightgown in place around her shoulders. As she undid it and let it fall
away, he surprised her once more by capturing the fabric before it fell from her
breasts. Holding it in place there, he stepped behind her to examine her exposed
back.

Chloris expected her shame to deepen. Instead she found herself
distracted by sensations—the sheer lawn cotton gathered around the curve of her
hips, embracing her. The heat of his body so close to hers. His scent, so
familiar, so redolent with his power. With his hand covering her chest as it
was, her breasts ached for more contact. Was this his doing? Was it simply his
presence, or was he seducing her by magic?

Chloris did not care. She leaned into his touch.

With his fingertips he touched the uppermost of her scars.

She arched her back in response.

He traced the lines, and warmth traveled into the places he
touched. Not just the heat of his fingers—more than that—and it seeped as deep
as her bones.

Was he using magic on her? Trembling, she clutched her
nightdress over her chest where it was sliding away because he had loosed it.
“Lennox, what are you doing?”

“Hush.” His warm breath stirred over her bare shoulder. “Trust
me, I am healing you.”

She tried to respond but couldn’t, for the sensation was too
intense. Her body arched under his touch, for it was as if he had opened the
wounds. “Lennox!”

“Forgive me.” He withdrew his fingers. “I can feel it, every
ounce of pain, and yet I am compelled to seek it out and quell it because I
cannot abide the fact it was done to you.”

The room crackled with his vitality just as it had when he had
first performed his rituals on her. The fire leaped in the hearth. A warm draft
of air raced around them—a draft carrying with it the scent of a laden orchard
and ripe berries. Heat like a candle flame licked her back.

The state of her skin altered, the tightness that she always
felt there easing. More than that, something deeper occurred, for it felt as if
he drew the very experience of being beaten to the surface, before taking it
away from her.

Chloris felt the tears come when memories of the beating
flashed within her mind, shocking her. She had foolishly questioned Gavin on
some minor matter. His mood had not been good and he’d fast become enraged. He’d
hit her before that night, but on this occasion he’d taken a strap to her, a
sturdy length of stable leather.

The first crack had floored her, but he did not stop there.
Before he was done, she had fainted away from the pain. She saw herself lying
there, where he left her, and then that image, too, was pulled from her memory.
She’d crawled to her bed. Or at least, she thought she had. When she tried to
remember what had happened it was suddenly vague, as if it had happened to
someone else, someone she cared about.

Lennox kissed the back of her shoulder. Then lower, across her
back, as if he needed to be certain of his own magic. His kisses entranced her,
making her back feel warm and supple, shooing the badness and shame that she had
carried there for so long.

She swayed, for she felt as if she might faint away
entirely.

“Chloris,” he whispered, his voice hoarse. “Come, sit
down.”

He guided her to the edge of the bed, where she sank down
gratefully.

Her body shivered, not with cold, pain or fear, but with
sensual pleasure and relief. He truly had unburdened her.

It was only after she had recuperated somewhat that she
realized he was no longer close by. Chloris lifted her head, seeking him out. He
was facing away, pacing back and forth, close to the fireplace. As she looked at
him her chest swelled, for his actions meant so much to her. Not because of what
he had done, but why. He had wanted to ease her suffering. She had not even
asked him to do so. However, as she looked at him she also saw the turmoil in
his expression.

Had he truly taken it into himself?

Eventually he stopped pacing and faced her way. His head was
lowered, his hair shrouding his face in shadows. Tension emanated from the place
where he stood. “You cannot go back to him.”

Yes, he really had taken her burden into himself.

Chloris knew from the way he was that he had felt and seen it
all. “I have to,” she whispered. “I made marriage vows.”

“Vows that you have already forsaken.”

Shame engulfed her, but it was the truth and she could not
chastise him for his words. “That may well be, but it was with honorable motives
to begin with.”
Then I fell in love with you, and that has
torn me asunder.

“What is there to lose by leaving?”

“Honor. Redemption.”

“Redemption? You do not believe in it, otherwise you wouldn’t
have come to me and my kind, desperate for our help.”

Even though he spoke the truth, his words wounded her to the
core. She lowered her head. “Please, Lennox. Take pity.”

He closed on her. Forcing her chin up with his fingers under
her jaw, he looked down into her eyes. “Pity? I do not want to pity you. It is
not something you deserve and you should never ask for it.”

His eyes narrowed, his expression determined. “Leave him.”

“And where would I go? I cannot stay here. Tamhas will have
nothing to do with me if I leave my husband.” Discomfort assailed her, but there
was no way to make her situation clear to Lennox without telling him its true
nature. “They have an agreement. I was the seal. If I break it Tamhas would cast
me out. Trade, money and power depend on it, for them both.” She wanted him to
see there was no way out, but her words only seemed to make him more possessive
and angry.

His eyes were wild. “Damn their agreement! Neither one of them
are worthy of you.”

“Lennox, please. There is no one else, all my kin have gone.
Tamhas currently harbors me under certain conditions, and being a loyal wife to
Gavin is one of them. That is why you should not be here. I was foolish in
allowing you to come here in the first place.”

Was that guilt she saw flit through his expression? Had he
woven magic over her that day in the market? Before she could quiz him on it, he
shook his head.

“You will come to
me
for safe
harbor, not Tamhas Keavey.” His tone was low and commanding.

She shook her head. “It cannot be. We are too different. Your
people would treat me with suspicion. I would not be welcome amongst them.”

“They will grow to understand. They will grow to care for you,
just as I have.”

He cared for her. Hours earlier he had spilled scorn on her for
being beaten at her husband’s hands, turning away from her as if she sickened
him. Now he turned her in his hands as if she were a mere rag doll he tended to.
Although it gave her sweet succor, she could not risk letting him toy with her
again.

“Do not make promises that cannot be kept.” She showed him she
was serious. She was the stronger one now, the one who had faced the reality of
this. It could only bring trouble to them both. Nevertheless, it was hard to
stop him making these wild statements, because deep down she wanted him more
than life itself.

His mouth set in a tense line. He was a passionate man, and she
felt that he meant it—in this strange moment of honesty he did believe he could
make it happen, but it could not be. She expected him to argue, but he did
not.

Once again he surprised her.

He drew her to her feet, then moved her hand from the place
where she held her nightdress in place over her breasts, allowing the garment to
drop completely.

The pale fabric pooled around her feet like a garland of May
lilies.

It was the first time she had stood completely bared before
him, but she did not feel shame. She felt desire. The man before her exuded
power, and she wanted to feel it again.
One last
time
.