The Legendary Playboy Surgeon (11 page)

Kate was laughing again. She held out the device. ‘Here, have a go while I get dinner started.’

Suddenly the tension had gone. Onto his second glass of wine with the entertainment the kitten was effortlessly providing, Connor realised he was thoroughly enjoying himself. He picked the kitten up and tucked it into the crook of his arm, rubbing it gently under its small white chin.

‘You should keep it,’ he told Kate. ‘I’ve heard that the best cats are the ones that choose you, not the other way around.’

‘Maybe I will. Shall I put the steaks on now or do you want to wait a bit?’

Connor didn’t want the evening to end too soon. ‘Let’s wait.’ He looked around. ‘This is nice,’ he pronounced. ‘So peaceful.’

He smiled at Kate.

She smiled back.

And the silence suddenly seemed loud. Kate must have heard it too because he saw the way her eyes widened. Connor realised then that Kate was just as nervous as he’d been such a short time ago.

‘Music,’ she said hurriedly. ‘I forgot to put it on. Darn.’

‘Better late than never.’ It was like Kate had taken his nervousness and kept it. Connor felt confident now. Quite sure he was in the right place at the right time.

Kate was heading into the living area of her house. ‘What do you like to listen to?’

‘What have you got?’

‘A bit of everything really. Except for country and western.’

‘Thank goodness for that.’ Connor followed her to the CD rack. He looked at the disc she chose and tilted his head in agreement. He knew the music was slow. Romantic.

That smile feeling inside grew stronger. When the first lilting ballad filled the air and they had stepped outside again, Connor held out his hand.

‘Shall we?’

Again, Kate’s eyes widened but this time Connor saw them darken as well and he knew that she wanted this as much as he did. She came into his arms willingly and, despite the unevenness of the courtyard surface, he found she was as easy to dance with as she’d been the night of that fancy-dress ball.

Not that they were doing anything particularly fancy. Slow dancing. Holding her close. His head bent lower over hers until he could touch his lips to the side of her neck.

And then Kate’s head turned and her lips were right there. Soft and inviting.

He hadn’t kissed Kate since that evening on the beach when she’d made it clear that she wasn’t in the market for a relationship.

So much had changed between them since then. Had that conviction changed as well?

She certainly seemed to want this. Connor deepened the kiss and found Kate’s tongue with his and the world began to spin away.

Until Kate surfaced to drag in a breath. ‘Um...dinner?’ she whispered.

‘Forget dinner,’ Connor growled. ‘Where’s your bedroom?’

* * *

She could do this.

She’d never wanted anything as much as this. Kate lifted her arms to help Connor remove her top. Her hair whispered against her bare skin and Connor’s hands were tangled in its length.

‘Your hair is amazing,’ he said. He was holding chunks of it in his hands. Kate could feel her head anchored by the touch but she didn’t mind. Not when Connor’s lips were on hers again. When his tongue was dancing with hers and it was making her feel that she wanted more. So much more.

She wanted it all.

And then her hair was released and Kate felt the strap of her bra being undone and Connor’s hands came under her arms and touched her breasts, his thumbs grazing her nipples, and it felt exactly like it did in those dreams.

Only better.

Connor had shed his own shirt now.

His chest was broad, the muscles deliciously defined, with just a smattering of dark hair that arrowed down to the waistband of his jeans where he was undoing the fastening. He kept his eyes locked on Kate’s and she couldn’t look away.

Oh...Lord...

Kate’s mouth went dry with desire while other parts of her body did quite the opposite.

And then he was naked. Huge and warm and intent on
her
. So intent, he stopped watching her face as he took off the rest of her clothes. They were skin to skin now and she could hear the rasp of Connor’s ragged breathing as he pulled her so close she could feel the entire length of his body. It was like a dance move, the way he eased her onto the bed and then he raised himself on one elbow, tracing her body with his other hand.

Her collar bone and her breast. The dip into her waist, his fingers trailing across her belly as his hand lowered. And then he touched her between her legs and Kate felt the first brush of panic.

No
... This was Connor. She could do this.

But even as the battle waged behind her closed lids, Kate knew she was losing. She could feel herself pulling away. Back to the safe place where she could just watch what was happening to her body.

She couldn’t feel it any more. The thrill of Connor’s touch was gone. It was pure mechanics and when the time came she would have to fake an orgasm. Just like she always had.

‘Katie?’

Her eyes flew open. Connor had stopped touching her. He was looking at her instead and his face was very alert. The blurred intensity of unfulfilled desire had gone.

‘What’s wrong?’ he asked quietly.

‘Nothing.’ Kate reached for him. ‘Don’t stop...’

But Connor caught her hands and held them. ‘Talk to me,’ he said. ‘Tell me why you switched off like that.’

Kate was horrified. Admittedly the sample wasn’t very large but to her knowledge, none of the men she had slept with had ever guessed where her head was. But why would they? Sh’d never started with them in the place she had started with Connor.

Wanting this so much.

Wanting
him
.

‘I...don’t know what you mean.’

Connor was silent. And Kate felt ashamed of herself for lying to him.

‘I’m sorry,’ she whispered.

Suddenly aware that she was lying there totally naked and exposed was horrible. Kate sat up, pulling her knees up so that she could wrap her arms around them. Connor seemed to simply melt out of the way but Kate wasn’t watching anyway. She buried her face against her bare knees.

‘I thought I could do this,’ she said. ‘I thought it would work. I’m sorry, Connor.’

‘I don’t understand.’ His hand touched her back and Kate couldn’t help herself. She flinched.

The hand was withdrawn instantly and she heard Connor take in a slow breath. And then another one.

‘That boyfriend of yours,’ he said. ‘He didn’t just hit you, did he?’

Kate felt her breath escape in a kind of sob. ‘No.’

‘He raped you.’ Connor’s voice was as harsh as the word. ‘My God, Kate. How old were you?’

‘Fifteen. I...I wouldn’t have sex with him. I was too scared. And when he hit me I was even more frightened and I tried to run away and...and...’

And Kate wanted to cry but the tears that might have been a relief were locked away along with all the wonderful feelings that Connor’s touch had been able to give her.

Connor groaned. A desperately sad sound that only made Kate want to cry even more. ‘It was too soon, that’s all. You weren’t ready for this.’

Kate shook her head. ‘It won’t work.’

‘Don’t say that.’

Kate felt the bed move as Connor stood up. She watched him through the tangle of her lashes as he stood beside the bed for a long moment and then he surprised her by turning and dropping to his knees.

‘Kate, I don’t know what’s going on between us but it feels important. Important enough to be bigger than sex. We’ll sort this out. You wanted me to make love to you, didn’t you?’

‘Yes.’

‘And it was good until...’

Until he’d touched her in that particular place. Kate nodded.

‘So it can be good again.’

‘You don’t understand.’ Kate’s voice was weary. ‘The only way I’ve ever been able to have sex with anyone was to distance myself. Kind of like the way you do when you have to do an autopsy or something. I didn’t want to feel like that with you because...’

‘Because what, Katie?’ Connor’s voice was gentle.

‘Because I...care about you.’ This was bad enough, without revealing just how much she cared about him. That was a grief that would have to stay very private. ‘I thought it could be...I don’t know...
real
.’

Connor’s face looked grim now. He didn’t know what to say. Or maybe he simply wanted to escape. Kate had to look away. Still, Connor didn’t move. Did he need more of a reason? She could give him one.

‘It’s not just the sex that got screwed up for me,’ she said quietly. ‘There was a...a baby.’

She heard the sharp intake of his shocked breath.

‘Oh, my God,’ Connor breathed. ‘Did it...? Did you...?’

‘I lost it.’ Kate clamped her lips together hard. That was all she was prepared to say. All she could say right now, without the rest of her heart out, and if she did that, how could she survive?

‘I’m sorry,’ she said, yet again. She made her tone final this time. She rolled away to the other side of the bed. ‘I’m going to the bathroom,’ she told him. ‘Maybe you should get dressed and go. You don’t have to stay. I know how awkward this is...for both of us.’

‘You don’t want me to stay?’ The query was almost expressionless. More of a statement than a question.

‘Best you don’t.’

Kate tried to swallow the lump in her throat but it wouldn’t go away. This failure on her part was so huge it was mortifying. Talking about it any more wouldn’t help. Being naked with him was unbearable now, even though she was standing with her back to Connor and knew that her hair was enough of a shield. She had tried. And failed. There was no going back from that. And there was no going forward either.

‘This isn’t going to work, Connor,’ she said. ‘Let’s just forget it.’

Rustling sounds from behind her suggested that Connor was collecting his clothing. Kate didn’t wait to see him get dressed or show him out of her house. She went into her
en suite
bathroom and closed the door behind her.

* * *

The French doors were closed and locked now. The barbecue turned off, the uneaten food packed away in the fridge. The music had been silenced and the candles had been snuffed out, but Kate didn’t bother turning on any other lights.

She was sitting, curled up on one end of the couch, her back to an armrest and her knees drawn up so that she could hug them. Like the way she’d been sitting on the bed when she’d wanted to hide her nakedness.

She was fully clothed again now but she still felt naked. Exposed. Taken back to place she would never be able to escape from. The horror of being shouted at and ordered to do things that terrified her. The pain of that attack. The repercussions.

Locking it away had seemed to be the answer that had come to her with blinding inspiration that day she’d found the rusty old key in that junk shop. How could it have occurred to a broken teenager that it would all come back to haunt her? That it was an obstacle she would never get past no matter how badly she wanted to?

Well, she would just have to deal with it. Much safer to be alone and not risk the kind of pain that came from realising what she was missing out on.

What Connor could have given her.

What she could have given him.

Bella had hit the nail on the head when she’d said that Kate had a gap in her life. What she hadn’t been right about was saying that Kate didn’t know what it was. She knew exactly what it was.

That magic that was so much bigger than the simple addition of two parts. The power and strength that was created by a shared love between two people who chose to share their lives intimately. Kate was too miserable to notice that the kitten had climbed onto the couch and snuggled its way into the gap between her knees and her chest. She barely noticed the way she responded to the push of the little grey head by stroking it.

There was something comforting about the movement, though. Kate stroked the kitten from its head to where that ridiculous triangle of a miniature tail began. Again and again.

She could feel the softness of its fur. The tiny knobs of a spine. The rumble of the purr. The sensation filled her fingertips and travelled into her hands and up her arms. All the way to her heart and Kate knew that Bella was right about something else, too.

She was falling in love with this kitten.

She could feel the pleasure of stroking it. Her nerve endings were hungry for it. And they weren’t going to get switched off by a mechanism Kate couldn’t control because she knew perfectly well that this touch was not threatening in any way.

And, finally, the tears came. Years’ and years’ worth of tears.

CHAPTER NINE

N
OBODY
had come knocking on the door to claim the kitten.

Kate actually seemed keen to keep it now. She had given it a name. Bib, because that’s what the white patch under her chin looked like.

Bella should have been delighted by this turn of events and normally she would have been. Over the moon, in fact. But something was wrong.

She’d come back on Sunday night. Kate had cooked the most amazing dinner of deliciously marinated steaks and crushed sort of potatoes but she hadn’t been hungry herself so why had she gone to so much effort?

It hadn’t taken Bella very long at all to work out what it was that was bothering her so much. She had, in fact, recognised what it was before that dinner was even finished.

It was that glow. Kate just didn’t have it any more and it seemed like the sun had stopped shining or something. When she asked whether Kate had had a good weekend, her aunt had answered with that kind of brightness that let you know you were being fobbed off. That something was very wrong but it wasn’t any of your business.

Bella hated being shut out. Always had. And hadn’t that refusal led to the close bond she had with Kate in the first place? She’d seen her go off, looking so miserable that day, and had gone after her, despite her parents telling her to leave Kate alone. That she wasn’t happy and probably needed a bit of time to herself to get used to things.

Following her instincts had turned out all right that time, hadn’t it?

But Kate wasn’t storming off anywhere this time. She was just being...Kate. Tidy and organised and working all hours. Maybe that was the problem. She’d seen Kate break out of that normality the day she’d gone off on the back of Connor’s bike and she’d liked that. A lot.

Something had happened to change things.

Maybe it had something to do with Connor.

Or maybe it had something to do with her grandfather getting out on parole and trying to contact his children.

Bella had tried to talk to her father about it. She didn’t tell him about the phone call, she just tried a tentative query about the family in general that had led to a question about her grandfather.

Don’t even go there
, her father had warned
. Especially in front of Kate
.

Even Bella hadn’t had the nerve to ask why not but she was thinking it. Did they not know that her grandfather had got himself sober? That he was full of remorse for whatever it was he’d done? That he wanted to at least start putting things right by apologising?

No wonder Bella was feeling shut out.

And cross.

Even crosser today because work had not gone well.

‘He’s unbelievable,’ she informed her aunt over dinner.

‘Who is?’

‘Mr Dawson. Oliver Dawson.’

‘The neurosurgeon?’

‘That’s the one.’ Bella’s scowl deepened.

‘What’s wrong with him?’

‘He shouted at me.’

‘Oh?’ Kate had stopped picking at her meal and looked at Bella. ‘What did you do wrong?’

‘Why do you assume that it was
my
fault?’

Kate actually smiled and Bella realised it was the first smile she’d seen for days. Oh, well. That was something, she supposed.

She rolled her eyes. ‘It wasn’t as if I was in there as a scrub nurse or anything. And the operation hadn’t even started yet. There was no reason for me to have done my mask up properly. I was nowhere
near
the table.’

‘What did Oliver say?’

‘That his theatre wasn’t some kind of nursery and if I needed to wear a bib I should go and find a day-care centre or something.’

Kate’s lips twitched. The kitten must have learned its name already because it jumped into Bella’s lap. Then it tried to climb onto the table. Bella lifted it clear before Kate could growl and she cuddled it under her chin.

‘He’s so stuffy,’ she went on. ‘Old and stuffy and...and...’

‘And very good at his job by all accounts,’ Kate said mildly. ‘And he’s younger than me, thanks very much. I don’t think he’s much over thirty, in fact.’

‘Well, he acts like he’s fifty.’

‘He’s conservative, certainly,’ Kate agreed. ‘But his upbringing probably has a lot to do with that.’

‘What—was he brought up in a monastery or something?’

Kate chuckled. ‘Not far off. Don’t you know about the Dawson family?’

‘No. Should I?’

‘One of the wealthiest families in Auckland. Pillars of society and all that. Oliver was an only child and his social responsibilities were probably drummed in from an early age. I suspect he has very high standards in everything he does and that’s why he’s such a good surgeon. And why he expects everybody else to follow the rules.’

Bella snorted. ‘I prefer people that break the rules occasionally. Like Connor.’

The sudden chill in the atmosphere was unmistakeable.

‘Had enough?’ Kate asked briskly. She stood up and whipped Bella’s plate away before she had time to do more than start nodding her head. And then she stood with her back to the table, rinsing the plates to go into the dishwasher.

Bella stared at the plait hanging down Kate’s back. It bounced occasionally, as if the body it belonged to was very tense and its movements were jerky.

So
that
was what it was all about.

It wasn’t anything to do with her grandfather.

Or was it?

Bella stroked Bib thoughtfully, her mind going back over what was now a well-worn track. How could you move on into a peaceful future if there were things in the past you hadn’t sorted out?

She thought about the scrap of paper she was using as a bookmark. It was in her room, marking the point she’d reached in her latest romance novel. A mobile phone number that she could text rather than ring which would be good because it could be secret.

It would have to be somewhere neutral, she decided. She knew it would be totally the wrong thing to do to invite her grandfather to visit Kate’s house. The frisson of something like fear that trickled down her spine at the very idea was a warning bell. Kate would never forgive her if that turned to custard.

But somewhere neutral. Public, even? Like a coffee shop?

No. Bella suddenly knew the answer. What was needed was a place where Kate could feel in control. That was the key. And there was only one place other than her home where Kate wielded real power.

The pathology department.

‘Want some help?’ she asked Kate casually.

‘No. There’s not much to do.’

‘I might have an early night then. I’ve got a book I really want to finish.’

* * *

Work was the answer.

Normal life had resumed.

The clock had been wound right back to before Kate had noticed those tyre marks on the lino of the hospital corridor.

People had noticed how focused she was and her whole department seemed to be suddenly more professional. The pace was brisker. OK, maybe she was a bit less tolerant and that was making her junior staff members wary, but they were working harder as well. Mark, in particular, was trying extremely hard to stay in favour.

And he was succeeding. So much so he deserved a reward.

‘How would you like to be involved in the new theatre laboratory?’

‘That would be great. I didn’t know it was up and running yet.’

‘It’s not, quite. The new equipment’s arrived, though. You could go and get things set up and I’ll come and check later.’

‘Don’t you want to do it? It’s your baby.’

‘It’s a departmental project,’ Kate said dismissively. ‘That’s all.’

It was harder than she’d expected to get past this particular wrench of the clock being turned back. Estelle had been discharged from hospital now, well on the way to recovery, but that whole incident had been the start of getting close to Connor, hadn’t it? And then the planning for the mini laboratory had kept the wheels turning long enough to go way too far down that track.

Well, it was over now. She hadn’t even seen Connor for the last couple of days but Kate didn’t want to risk an encounter too soon and she needed to stay away from Theatre. Which was a shame because she’d really looked forward to taking her turn in staffing that laboratory space. Being right there, literally at the cutting edge, of what a good part of her job was all about, instead of being shut away in the bowels of the hospital.

It took a great deal of courage to go up and check that Mark had set up the microscope and other equipment correctly but Kate needn’t have worried. Connor wasn’t there. Bella was, however.

‘What time are you finishing work?’ she asked.

‘No idea. I’ve got a bucket of stuff to get finished, including a write-up on that research trial I’m involved in. I might be late so don’t wait for me.’

‘OK.’ Bella seemed oddly pleased that Kate was planning to work late.

Kate took another glance around the busy corridor in the theatre suites.

‘He’s not here,’ Bella said.

‘Who?’ Was she still bothered about her run-in with Oliver Dawson?

‘Connor.’

‘What on earth makes you think I was looking for
him
?’ Kate gave her words a warning edge but Bella merely shrugged.

‘Just in case you were. He’s not here. He got sent home.’

He was sick? The clutch of concern took Kate by surprise but she didn’t say anything. She couldn’t. The ferocity of that concern was disturbing enough to render her speechless for a moment.

‘Apparently he did a bone-marrow donation yesterday morning. Can you believe that? For a little girl who’s got leukaemia.’

Still Kate said nothing. Of course she could believe it. And why he would go to such extraordinary lengths to help a little girl and her family. That had been the final push to falling completely and utterly in love with him.

‘He got it done under local and came back to work this morning but he was still really sore so he got sent home to rest.’

‘I...imagine it would be a fairly painful procedure.’

‘Mmm...’ Bella seemed to be watching her more closely than Kate felt comfortable with.

‘I’ll see you later, then,’ she said, edging away.

Kate planned to keep herself as busy as possible for the rest of the day, inventing extra work if necessary, because that was the only way to stop herself thinking about Connor. Worrying about the possible complications that might come from having holes drilled in your pelvis. Worrying that he might be trying to be far too macho and avoiding taking any kind of pain relief.

As it turned out, Kate didn’t have to find any extra work. It found her, in the form of a forensic examination of a suspicious death. Lewis Blackman was back on deck and claimed he was feeling better than ever, but Kate didn’t want him overdoing things.

‘I’ll do it,’ she told him. ‘You can supervise.’

A forensic examination was far more detailed than an ordinary autopsy. Right from the start, when the body bag was opened, photographs had to be taken and every detail recorded to appear in the paperwork. This was quite clearly a homicide so the hands of the victim were encased in plastic bags. When they were opened, scrapings from under the fingernails had to be collected, labelled and stored. Every item of clothing had to be documented before being removed and it was only then that the medical examination could begin. Wounds could be examined and photographed and then, after the body was cleaned, they could start to look for the actual cause of death.

In this case, it was a matter of determining which, out of many, of the stab wounds had been the lethal blow and it was time-
consuming because the angle and depth of each injury needed to be measured. The whole procedure took several hours and it would take at least another hour to do the paperwork involved. Lewis offered but Kate shooed him home.

‘You look tired,’ she said. ‘And it’s getting late. I was planning to do some office work for a while anyway.’

When Lewis left, the department was curiously empty. A technician had gone on blood-testing rounds and the others must have gone for a meal break. Not that Kate minded the solitude. It meant that she didn’t need to shut the door of her office or close the venetian blinds on the windows that looked out into the lab. She did jump when she heard the rapid footsteps of someone approaching. She went out of her office to see who it was and then stopped in astonishment.

‘Bella! What on earth are you doing here? I thought you would have gone home long ago.’

‘Um...I came to see you.’ Bella smiled brightly.

‘I’m kind of busy.’

‘Oh...well, I might have a look around, if that’s OK. I’ve never been down here before. What’s that machine for?’

‘It measures the oxygen level in arterial blood.’

‘Cool. And that one?’

‘It’s an X-ray for checking biopsy samples before we slice them up. Look, Bella, I really do have work to do.’

Bella glanced over her shoulder. She bit her lip. She looked at her watch. ‘OK. I’m going...’

Except she didn’t. She loitered for another minute or two, staring around as if she was fascinated by everything she could see. And then there was the sound of another person approaching and when the figure filled the doorframe, Kate felt the blood drain from her head, leaving her feeling faintly dizzy and rather ill.

‘Oh, Bella...’ The words were a whisper. ‘What
have
you done?’

* * *

Connor felt terrible.

It wasn’t his hip that was bothering him. That felt a lot better. He’d been stood down from working today but he hadn’t gone home like he probably should have. He’d gone and got a few hours of restless sleep in an on-call room. Then he’d given in and taken a painkiller and had had a few hours of much better quality sleep. Now he needed a shave and something to eat but he knew it wouldn’t make him feel good because it wasn’t anything physical that he was having trouble dealing with.

It was the fact that he’d been such a coward.

Kate had given him an easy way out and he’d taken it.

Not immediately, of course. He’d stayed there in the bedroom, having got dressed again, and he’d paced about, staring at the statement being made by the closed door of that
en suite
bathroom.