The Legacy (21 page)

What am I doing? I am losing it, that's what I'm doing!
She was my best friend’s wife.
The feeling of betrayal is brutal. How in the world did he allow
himself to fall in love with his best friend’s wife? Yes, Ingo is gone, but still
. . . He rubs a hand over his face, tugging it back through his hair and
closes his eyes.
I don't know how this happened. I didn't plan it, but I
can't help it. What should I do?

What should I do?
Even now, as he stands in front of his hotel room
window looking out across downtown, Adagio still ponders the
question, and he is no closer to an answer than he was on that
day. That he loves Cisely is without question. He couldn’t deny
it if he tried. He just doesn’t know if it's right to act on it, and
he can’t be certain Cisely feels anything other than friendship
for him. He’d caught something in her eyes that day when she
looked at him, and had sensed a change in her as well, but he
doesn’t know if any of it is real or just wishful thinking on his
part. Being near her affects him in ways he can't begin to
describe, and at times the longing is physically painful. Even
now he aches to be with her, to hold her, to touch her and
claim her for his own.
But in his mind she is still off limits. And he is afraid.
He is afraid to cross the line that has always been there.
Maybe after a little more time has passed, he will consider it.
Maybe. For now, he will leave things as they are. It will be safer
this way.
And so will his heart.

Jessica washes the last of the breakfast dishes and hands
them to me. I dry them and place them in the cupboard, then I
wipe off the kitchen table, humming softly.

“You must be feeling pretty good this morning,” Jessica
says.
“I do feel good, actually,” I reply, looking up.
When Jessica smiles, I notice something I haven’t seen in
a long while. The twinkle is back in her eyes. “You must be
feeling
pretty
good yourself,
today,”
I say,
returning
my
attention to the table.
“I am. So, did Adagio happen to mention when he would
be over today?”
“No, but I never expect him until ten or so.” Trying to
ignore the way my heart skips a beat at the mention of Adagio’s
name, a smile curves my lips before I can stop it. Having
finished, I look up and Jessica is staring at me, and that familiar
twinkle is definitely there. “What?”
“Oh, nothing. It’s just that you smile whenever Adagio’s
name comes up these days.”
“He’s my friend. Of course I smile.” My attempt to
sound casual belies what I feel inside.
“You don’t smile like that when the names of other
friends are mentioned. Just Adagio’s.”
Startled by her comment, my mouth opens in automatic
response, but there is nothing. My brain clocks out on me.
“Cisely, it’s okay.”
“What’s okay?”
Don't go there, Jessica.
She sighs. “It’s okay to care for Adagio.”
“I know it’s okay. He’s my best friend and I do care
about him, very much.”
Please don't go there, Jessica.
“You know what I mean, Cisely. It's okay to care for him
in other ways.”
I really don’t want to have this discussion because it is a
truth I'm not ready to face. Though I have felt the stirrings in
my heart for a while now, I've fought them every step of the
way, but they only become stronger. I try to blame it on
loneliness, but in my heart I know it isn’t true, and I feel all the
more guilty.
I don’t want to think about Adagio, but to my dismay,
sometimes–all right, most of the time–I can’t think about
anything else but him. It has only been three months since Ingo
died, but his best friend consumes my thoughts more and
more, and I can't seem to stop.
I look forward to seeing Adagio every day, and when he
is here, just being near him brings butterflies to my stomach. I
even dream about him. Sometimes the dreams are so vivid and
real, I can barely breathe around him. Even now, thinking
about him calls forth a familiar warmth and I again experience
that tangible ache. But I can’t go there. I won’t let myself.
“He was my husband’s best friend,” I finally say. “It
would be wrong.”
“And just what makes you think that?” Jessica dries her
hands and sits down at the table across from me. “I want you
to listen to me, Cisely. Now, I’ve never had the opportunity to
marry, but I do know a little something about life, and love.
And the one thing I know for sure is that man cares for you
more than he will admit. He’s in love with you, Cisely. I've
watched him fall in love with you. It's in his eyes every time he
looks at you, and in his voice when he talks to you. There are
times that I've caught him watching you with eyes so full of
longing, I almost weep. He wears his heart on his sleeve. He
tries to hide his feelings for you, but I can see them. I can tell
you have feelings for him, too. And I think those feelings are
deeper than you realize.”
Guiltily, I look away, pushing my ever-intruding feelings
aside. I can't do this now. “He’s been very good to me, but all
we could ever be is friends.”
Jessica makes a contemplative noise and is thoughtful for
a moment. “You know, I knew you and Ingo were meant to be
together when I introduced you two. And that night after you
went to bed, he told me he knew it as well.”
What?
“You both felt that?”
“Yes, we did. And neither of us knew the future any more
than we knew he would be taken away so quickly. But I did
know you and Ingo would eventually be married. Now I’m sure
when Adagio met Ingo in Italy, he didn’t know how their
meeting would affect one another either. But there is a reason
for everything. We are all given gifts and blessings in life. And
sometimes we don’t realize what they are until they are staring
us right in the face. And even then they are sometimes easy to
miss.”
Contemplating her words, I realize how right she is. “I've
been told by a few people, yourself included, that there are
bigger things in store for me in the future. A couple of days
before Ingo died, he told me that as well. It was almost like he
knew something I didn’t. We talked about our baby being one
of the gifts.” I blink back the tears that come with the memory.
“You know, sometimes during quiet moments when I’m
feeling
a
little
down,
Ingo's
words
suddenly
come
from
nowhere, like he knows what I am feeling and he’s right there
beside me.” I don't bother commenting about the guilt I
experience at those times as well.
“Really?”
“Yes. Many times I have felt him comforting me, but
now that I think about it, I haven’t felt that in a while.”
Jessica slowly smiles. “Maybe because you no longer need
it. You may not want to hear this, but I think you and Adagio
really need each other.”
Closing my eyes, I shake my head. “What are you saying,
Jessica?”
“What do you think I’m saying?”
“I don't know.” She looks at me skeptically. Truthfully, I
do
know what she means, I just don't want to say it. I can't
allow the words to pass my lips.
“Well?” Jessica prods softly, meeting my eyes. “Tell me
you haven't thought about it. Can you honestly tell me it hasn't
crossed your mind?”
If I answer her truthfully, I will have to admit what my
heart has fought against for a while now. Deep down, I know
there is truth to Jessica’s unspoken words. I can feel it even
now, but I can't admit it. Adagio has been a tremendous
comfort to me during the past months and the most devoted
friend I could ever ask for, but he has also become more
important to me than I dare to say.
“Cisely,” Jessica says, interrupting my thoughts, almost
reading them, “you still have a very long life ahead of you, too
long a life to spend alone. And I don’t think Ingo would want
that for you. You aren’t meant to be alone. I know it has only
been a short while since Ingo died and you need to do what is
best for you, but you also need to remember time is irrelevant
when the feelings are there. You thought you could never be
happy again, that you would never find love again, but it’s right
in front of you, Cisely. You are being given a second chance.”
“But what if I don’t want a second chance?” I blurt out.
“What if . . . Jessica, what if I took it and ended up loving
Adagio more?”
“What if you
do
grow to love him more? Is that so
wrong?” She sighs. “Cisely, I loved my nephew more than I
could ever tell you, and I'm grateful for the happiness you
brought to him, but he is gone now and your life is still going
on. Don’t turn your back on this chance because of fear. If you
search your heart, you will see I am right.”
Rubbing my temples, I take a moment to digest what
Jessica is saying. I am so torn. And confused.
And
guilt-riddled.
I've been fighting this so hard, I am almost afraid to stop
because if I do, I'll completely lose my heart. Truthfully, I
already have, but I don’t know if I'm ready for the next step,
whatever it might be.
We talk for a few minutes more, or rather Jessica talks
and I listen. She looks at her watch.
“I’m going up to get ready, but if you need to talk some
more, I can go in a little later.”
I shake my head, my mind going in a thousand different
directions. “You have given me a lot to think about. Thank
you.”
“You’re welcome, dear, anytime.”

Transferring a load of laundry to the dryer, I put another
batch in the washer. Adagio is late and I am glad. I need time to
adjust my thoughts and get a handle on my feelings. He hasn’t
called and I'm glad for this as well, because right now even
hearing his voice would be too much. The whole conversation
with Jessica has left me unsettled and confused.
Stretching, I rub the dull ache in my back and stomach. I
climb the stairs to my room and spend some time pondering
what I should do about my feelings for Adagio. I can't help
thinking
it's
somehow
wrong
for
me
to
care
for
him
romantically, or anyone else for that matter. But each time I try
to come up with excuses, Jessica’s words reenter my mind and
hammer away at my heart. After an hour I am still confused
and don’t know what to do about it.
I finally head back downstairs. Standing in front of the
large living room window, I gaze out over the city. It is one of
my favorite past-times because the view is so pretty and it's easy
to think here, which is something I have been doing a lot of
lately. Focusing on a small group of pigeons congregating on
the front lawn, I try to clear my mind in the hope of gaining
some clarity, but almost immediately, thoughts of Adagio rush
in with such force, I don’t try to fight them this time. I don't
have the strength to anymore.
I have studied him so much when he isn’t looking, his
face and features are etched in my memory. Without a doubt,
he is a very beautiful man, both inside and out. Taking a long
moment, I allow my thoughts to run free.
Heat slowly fills me as I think of the warmth of his
muscular embrace. I've begun to crave his arms around me.
Whenever he is near, I fight the urge to run my fingers through
that dark wavy hair of his. It looks perfectly tousled and neat at
the same time. He is definitely male model material, and that he
is so oblivious to it makes him even more beautiful. There is
nothing shallow about him, and no matter how many women
gawk at him when we are out and about, his attention is always
centered on me.
There is a soothing tone to his heavily accented voice,
and I especially love hearing him call me ‘angel.’ I love the
scent of his cologne, the way it mixes with his body chemistry.
He smells so good, I want to curl up into him sometimes and
never move. The deep dimples that appear on his cheeks when
he smiles make me long to reach out and touch his face. And
when he looks at me with those emerald eyes, it's like he can
see through to my very soul and I long to lose myself in his
gaze.
Closing my own eyes, I see his mouth. His lips are full
and look as if they are begging to be kissed. Thinking about
them now makes my mouth suddenly ache with longing for the
touch of his.
Everything about him is familiar to me now–the warmth
of his smile, the openness of his gaze. I love the way his
handsome brow furrows when he is deep in thought, the way
he pushes a hand through his hair and stands with a look of
puzzlement on his face when he is looking for something he’s
misplaced,
then
mumbles
in
Italian
while
he
searches.
Everything about him is alluring. He has a magnetism that
emanates and stirs my entire being. My emotions go into
overload when he is near. Sometimes all he has to do is look at
me and I have to leave the room to calm my racing heart. I
wonder if he has any idea how his mere presence affects me. I
can't believe how much I have come to care for him.
Each and every day, my mind reasons that it shouldn't be
this way, that it isn't right for me to feel this way so soon, if
ever. But to my heart, it is almost natural, and that alone is
confusing.
He was my husband’s best friend, for heaven’s sake! How can this
be happening? How have I allowed my emotions to go this far?
Deep down, I know the answer to these questions. It is
because Adagio has been here. He has always been here. How
can I
not
have feelings for him? It should all feel so wrong.
But it doesn't.
Pressing my forehead against the window, I continue to
ponder my feelings when a sudden recollection dawns on me.
Turning toward the doorway of the living room, my mind
shoots back to the day Adagio stood staring at me while I was
in this very spot. I didn’t allow myself to admit it then, but the
look in his eyes stirred me so, it nearly took my breath away.
Not until Jessica approached was I able to pull my eyes away
from his, and even then I still felt his gaze on me. I had tried to
tell myself the way he looked at me hadn't meant anything, that
what I saw in his eyes was . . .
I can't even think of an excuse because I know what I
saw in his eyes that day. They held a look of longing, a look of .
. .
Wow!
Jessica was right. It really has been there the entire
time, clearly exposed for the world to see.
My resistance fading, I allow my heart to open, tears
stinging my eyes as another simple truth dawns on me; I had
felt the same emotions I saw in his eyes that day, and I have
everyday since.
I do love him
. Pressing my face in my hands, I sigh deeply,
finally accepting what my heart has been trying to tell me.
I can't believe this is happening to me.
“Oh, Ingo,” I whisper brokenly, “I'm in love with him.
I didn't mean for it to happen. I tried not to love him, but I
can't help it.”
Now what do I do? Where do I go from here?
Standing a while longer contemplating my feelings, my
breath catches. Like a movie screen appearing before my eyes, I
see
the
dream I had before
leaving
North
Carolina.
The
memory of the little boy's words bring a startling realization to
light.
“This is what you meant, isn't it?”
As a rich warmth fills my entire being, I know it is true.
There is not a doubt in my mind and I am amazed. My
attempts to close myself to love have all been futile. I can no
longer deny what I feel, nor will I even try. And now that I've
finally accepted my love for Adagio, I can only hope he truly
shares my feelings. This whole thing scares me to death and I
don't think my heart can handle being alone in this.