The Law of Attraction (19 page)

Serena flushed prettily but met his gaze without wavering. “Thank you.”

“When’s the baby due?” their mother asked.

“At the end of August,” Serena said.

“Do you know if it’s a girl or a boy?”

Serena shook her head. “Not yet. We’ll find out when I have a scan at twenty weeks.”

Alec watched the smile spreading across his mother’s face and saw that, as he’d predicted, her excitement at being a grandmother was washing away any of her other concerns. He tuned out of the women’s conversation as they branched out into discussing due dates and morning sickness, and he listened to his father and Caspar instead.

“Serena’s going to carry on with her degree,” Caspar was explaining. “I know it won’t be easy on any of us, but we’ll manage.”

Alec could see the reservation on his father’s face, but the older man kept his thoughts to himself for now. Alec was grateful for Serena’s sake. He suspected that Caspar would get an earful later.

Sure enough, after they’d finished their tea, their mother whisked Serena off to the small drawing room at the back of the house to show her photos of Caspar as a baby. Once the women were gone, their father pinned Caspar with the full force of his disapproval.

“Good God, boy. She’s what… eighteen years old? Couldn’t you have been more careful?”

Caspar flushed. “We were careful, Father. But no method of birth control is completely reliable.”

Their father shook his head. “If it really
was
an accident.”

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Casper’s face darkened.

“She wouldn’t be the first girl to trap a man into marriage, and she won’t be the last. You’re quite the catch. I assume she knows we’re not short of money.”

“Her family aren’t exactly paupers, Father. She doesn’t need my money.”

“Hmph. Well, perhaps I spoke too hastily.”

That was as close as Caspar would get to an apology. Caspar must have realised that too because he didn’t pursue the argument. Instead he said “I thought you’d be happy to be getting a grandchild at last, even if it’s a little unexpected.”

His father’s expression softened a little. “I
am
happy. I’m just worried you’re rushing into marriage for the wrong reasons. I don’t want to see you get hurt, or for you to hurt that girl.”

“I won’t.” Caspar set his jaw and held their father’s gaze.

An understanding passed between them.

The older man nodded, and the tension lifted. “So, I’m going to be a grandfather. It’s about time, I suppose.” He shot a look at Alec, who tried to keep his expression neutral. “I wasn’t sure it would ever happen.” He stood, in the slow, careful way of a seventy-year-old man with arthritic knees.

Sometimes Alec forgot how old his father was now. Each time he saw him, he was smaller than Alec remembered. He never matched the formidable image in Alec’s head.

“Excuse me. I’m going to the lavatory,” his father said. “Then I’m going to find your mother and rescue the lovely Serena from her clutches before she bores her to death with baby photos.”

Left alone with Alec, Caspar breathed a long sigh of relief. “Well, that wasn’t too bad.”

Alec didn’t reply immediately. The ticking of the cuckoo clock on the mantelpiece was an insistent beat, reminding him of time passing.

It felt like yesterday that he’d been an eighteen-year-old boy, ashamed and afraid. But he wasn’t that boy anymore. It seemed to be the day for revelations, so maybe now was the time for him to finally speak the truth. His heart sped up, racing now, out of step with the
tick-tick-tick
of the clock.

“So, would now be a really good time or a really bad time to drop a bombshell of my own, do you think?” He tried to keep his voice light, but the words came out sharp-edged and a little panicky.

Caspar frowned. “What?”

“I’m gay.” Alec threw the words out like stones launched at a window, reckless and risky, and waited to see their effect.

Caspar’s expression softened. “I know.”

“Wait. What do you mean, you know?” Alec felt slightly hysterical, torn between the urge to laugh or cry, or maybe run away and pretend he’d never started this conversation.

“Well… I never knew for sure, of course. But I guessed.”

“When?”

Caspar shrugged and ran a hand through his tousled brown hair. “I never bought your explanation of what happened at school. I mean, I know there were plenty of straight guys who fooled around there, but you never seemed very interested in girls. Apart from Belinda, of course. And I heard on the grapevine that your relationship with her was a lot more casual than you led Mum and Dad to believe.”

“And you don’t care?”

“Why should I care, Alec? How does your orientation affect me? I always hoped you’d come out eventually because I figured you might be happier if you did. I care about that. I’d like to see you settle down.”

Alec snorted; relief and adrenaline flooded through him. “You sound like Mum.”

Casper chuckled. “I do, don’t I? I guess I just always felt that you were lonely. Apart from Belinda, you keep yourself to yourself. You’re locked up so tight I always felt like nothing could reach you.” His face turned serious and he studied Alec, making him flush under his scrutiny. “So why now? Has someone finally got to you? Is there a person behind the sudden desire to come out after all these years?”

Alec sighed. “Yes… no. I don’t know. Sort of, I suppose. There’s this guy…. But I work with him and it’s complicated. He’s out, and he didn’t want a secret relationship, so it’s over almost before it got started. I’m not sure whether it’s too late to fix things with him.”

Would Ed take him back if he could untangle the lies he’d lived with all these years? Telling his family was only half of it. If he wanted to have a relationship with Ed, he would need to come out at work too. The only way to move forward was one step at a time. Ultimately, Alec wanted to be free of the deception, free of the fear that had kept him prisoner for so long. Even if it was too late for him and Ed, Alec had had enough of hiding. He wanted to come out for himself.

“If he loves you, surely he’ll want to give it another go,” Caspar said. “If you come out.”

“Maybe. I don’t know. But I need to do it for me, anyway. I’m tired of living like this.”

“So, are you going to tell Mum and Dad today? It seems like the day for life-changing announcements.”

Alec drew in a deep breath, filling his lungs as he gathered his courage. “Yes.” He stood. “Yes, I am.”

“You’ll want to be on your own with them for this, I presume? I’ll take Serena out for a stroll around the garden while you talk to them.”

“Thanks. I don’t think I need an audience.”

His palms were already sweating at the prospect, but what was the worst thing that could happen? As he and Caspar had joked earlier, being cut out of the will was the only leverage his father really had, and Alec didn’t need his money.

Alec knew his fears had nothing to do with money or wills. He’d spent so many years trying to erase the memory of disgust and disapproval on his father’s face, and his fear of seeing that again was what had kept him locked in the closet ever since he was a teenager. But he couldn’t bear to stay there anymore. Coming out couldn’t be any worse than living half a life, denying himself a chance at happiness.

Alec and Caspar found their parents and Serena poring over old photos in the back living room. His father had been drawn into reminiscing too, and they were chuckling over a studio posed photograph of Alec and Caspar aged around six and eight years old. Caspar was smiling beautifully at the camera, but Alec’s face was utterly serious.

“The poor photographer tried everything to get you to smile, Alec,” his mother said as he came to stand behind the sofa so he could look over her shoulder. “But you wouldn’t.”

“I remember,” he said, managing a tight smile now, unlike his eight-year-old self. “He kept telling me jokes, but they weren’t funny. He gave up in the end.”

“Serena,” Caspar took her arm. “Do you fancy some fresh air? I’d like to show you the gardens.”

“Oh, yes. Of course.” Serena looked a little surprised to be whisked away so abruptly, but she didn’t question it.

Once they had gone, Alec’s mother started to tidy up the photo albums.

Alec couldn’t bear to wait another second. “Mother, can you leave those for a moment? I need to talk to you both.”

Something in his tone made his mother stop immediately. She froze, the pile of albums in her arms.

Alec took them from her and placed them back on the coffee table. “Sit down,” he said.

She sat down next to his father, who raised his eyebrows. “Well?” he prompted. “Please don’t tell me you’ve got some girl knocked up too. One surprise grandchild is enough for one day.”

Alec laughed nervously. He remained standing. “Um, no. Definitely no more surprise grandchildren.” He put his hands in his pockets and clenched his fists, his nails digging into his palms. “I’m gay.” The words weren’t any easier to say for the second time today.

His mother drew in a sharp breath. His father was utterly silent, his face like stone.

“What do you mean, darling?” His mother finally managed, the words tripping out in a babble of confusion. “What about Belinda? You can’t be….” She didn’t even seem to be able to say the word. “I don’t understand.”

Alec felt oddly calm now he was speaking his truth at last. “Belinda and I have only ever been friends.” His voice was strong and sure. “I let you believe it was more because it suited me to have you think we were together. But I’m gay. I always have been, and I always will be. I’ve been hiding it for years, but I’m done with pretending.”

The stones were cast and the glass shattered. Alec couldn’t take the words back now. He found he didn’t want to. He turned his gaze on his father and saw exactly what he’d feared: anger, disgust, disappointment. It was like looking back in time. Only now, Alec wasn’t going to deny anything.

His father finally spoke, his voice hard and cold. “How could you? And
why
? Why did you lie to us all these years?”

“Why do you think?”

Alec could almost hear the swish of a belt through the air before it made contact. He recalled the biting pain of the leather hitting his bare skin. But instead of the fear and shame he’d felt then, a surge of anger rose in him. The power of it gave him the strength he needed to hold his father’s gaze without flinching.

He’s an old man
, Alec told himself.
He can’t hurt me now. I’m bigger and stronger than he is. I won’t let him hurt me again
.

Alec slipped off his jacket and placed it carefully on the back of a chair. Holding his father’s gaze, he took off his tie and started to undo the buttons of his shirt.

“What are you doing?” His mother’s voice rose, she turned to her husband. “What’s he doing, Giles?”

Alec and his father ignored her, their gazes locked, until Alec shrugged out of his shirt and turned around.

“This is why I lied,” he said quietly.

His mother gasped, but Alec carried on speaking, his voice gaining strength as the words spilled out of him, fuelled by anger and fierce pride in himself for finally finding the courage to do what he should have done years ago.

“You
beat
me, Father. You treated me as if I was disgusting. You made me ashamed. You made me hate myself for something I couldn’t help. It took me years to understand that there’s nothing wrong with me.
You
are the one who is wrong. Maybe I can never change your mind, and frankly, I’m not even going to try. This is who I am. Deal with it, or cut me out of your life, because I’m not lying to anyone anymore.”

The lines around his father’s eyes deepened. He seemed stunned into silence by Alec’s tirade. His mouth was a grim line and he stared at the table, not meeting Alec’s eyes.

His mother choked out a sob. “Darling, I never knew…. I always believed you when you said it didn’t mean anything. Surely you could have told us? We might not have liked it, we might not have understood everything at first… but we would have tried.”

“Maybe you would have, Mother. But I’m not sure Father would.”

His father was still speechless and his features hadn’t softened. Alec couldn’t see anything there that looked like acceptance or understanding. Suddenly Alec’s anger and courage drained away. He stared at his father, searching desperately for something in his expression that would give him hope. He found nothing. His father wouldn’t even look at him.

“Well, that’s it, then. I’ve said my piece.”

He was met with silence. His mother gave another muffled sob and pressed her hand over her mouth.

Alec turned and walked away. He closed the door quietly behind him and walked up the stairs to his room. He couldn’t stay here tonight. Empty, numb, and utterly drained, Alec picked up his still-packed bag and carried it down to his car. He turned the key and the engine roared into life.

Caspar came running around the side of the house as Alec started to pull away. Caspar blocked his path, shouting at him to stop.

Alec hit the brakes, but he didn’t kill the engine. He rolled the window down as Caspar came around to speak to him.

“Alec, are you okay? How did it go?”

“Not great, obviously. I’m sorry to run out on you, Caspar, but I can’t stay here. I need to get away. Maybe they need time for it to sink in.” Alec was past caring. He just wanted to escape.

“Okay. I’ll talk to them. Call me next week.”

Alec nodded wearily.

“Drive safe, Alec.” Casper reached through the window and gave Alec a one-armed hug.

“Bye, Casp.”

Alec pulled out of the driveway and drove until he reached a lay-by. He gripped the steering wheel tightly for a moment, trying to breathe slowly and calmly as he weighed up his options. He couldn’t bear the thought of going home to his empty flat, and there was only one person in the world who he wanted to see right now.

Before he had time to chicken out, Alec took out his phone and made the call.