The Last Sin Eater (12 page)

Bletsung Macleod stopped talking and listened a long while. Her lips moved again, and then she leaned further out the window, reaching down to him. He raised his hand toward hers. Their fingers were the barest inches apart when he withdrew. He stood and started quickly toward the forest. I saw he was slipping away again, and it was no telling how long it’d be before he came back now he knew I was watching for him.

“Sin Eater!” I cried out. I was through the vines and running. “Sin Eater! Wait!
Wait!”

The man ran.

“Cadi,
no!”
Bletsung Macleod intercepted me, catching me before I reached the woods. “Cadi, no. You mustn’t . . .” Tears were running down her cheeks. “Oh, child, child . . .”

Struggling and kicking, I gained my freedom and ran into the shadows, chasing after him, crying out for him to stop, to wait for me.

He would not.

I kept running, pushing through the tangled branches until I was utterly lost in the rhododendrons. Out of breath, I stopped and looked around me. I listened, hoping to hear some sound from him as he climbed higher, hiding among the crags above me.

Nothing.

“Sin Eater, where are you?” My lungs were burning, my heart racing.

Silence.

“I ain’t going back until I talk to you!” I kept on, forcing my way through the snarls of green. Higher and higher I climbed, crying, lost and frightened. And determined.

Panting, I stopped again. “Please. I have to talk to you!” A streak of white lit the gray-clouded sky, and my skin tingled. The patter of rain splattered the leaves and thunder rolled. “Sin Eater! Sin Eater!”

“I’m here.”

I turned sharply toward the sound of his voice lost somewhere in the heavy rhododendrons. He was close, so close. “I can’t see you.” I pushed my way through several branches.

“Ye can talk from where ye stand.”

I stood still but a moment. “I left some preserves out for ye on Granny’s grave, but ye never came back.”

“I dinna know of your kindness toward me.”

“They ain’t there anymore. Fagan broke the jar. I’ll get ye more if ye want. Mama has a shelf of jars. She won’t miss one.”

“No, don’t do that. I’m not in want.”

No, he had fresh bread and honey from Bletsung Macleod.

“Jam goes good with bread.”

I heard the rustling of branches and knew he was the same distance from me as he had been before. Each step I took, he was a step further off, maybe two.

Sorrow gripped me. “Ye talk to Bletsung Macleod. Why won’t ye talk to me?”

“We’re talking, ain’t we?” There was gentle humor in the words.

His voice came from another direction now. Turning again, I kept on. I paid no heed to the direction I was going, and only vaguely noticed that the going was easier. “Would ye take my sins away, Sin Eater?”

“Ye know I will, Cadi. When the time comes. Unless I’m gone. Then there’ll be another to take my place.”

“I mean
now.”

“It ain’t done that way, darlin’.”

I stopped, heartbroken. “But why not?What con I do to show I’m sorry? I’d do anything.” He was silent so long, I thought he had left me there alone. “Is there no forgiveness for one such as me, Sin Eater? What con I do to make up for what I did?”

“Ye con do right from here on, Cadi. That’s what ye do. Ye help other people without thinking about the cost to yourself.

Ye live your life to please God Almighty. And ye hope, Cadi. Ye hope and ye pray that in the end he’ll forgive you. Ye try to get by on that.”

He sounded so grievous sad, my throat and chest tightened.

“I try, Sin Eater, I try so hard, but that don’t change what’s been done already.”

“No, it doesn’t.”

“I’m sorry to be asking ye to take on more, Sin Eater, but I don’t know who else con help me. And I canna go to the man of God with my sins upon me.”

“What man of God?”

“The stranger who’s come into the valley. He’s down by the river. He came up by the Narrows and speaks in the name of the Lord.” The sin eater said nothing for so long, I called out to him again. “Where are you?”

“I haven’t left ye, Cadi, my dear. Be still and hear me out.”

“I’m listening.”

“If I try and take your sins away, will ye do summat for me in return, Cadi Forbes?”

“Anything!” My heart raced. “I’ll do
anything!”

“Tomorrow, ye come back. Bletsung Macleod will show ye the path. Bring me what’s necessary for the ceremony. I’ll eat the bread and drink the wine and say the prayer, and we’ll see what God will allow.”

I began to shake, emotions suddenly at war within me. Hope. Joy. Fear.

“And whatever happens, Cadi, ye have to promise me ye’ll do whatever I ask of ye. Will ye now?”

“I promise.”

“I’ve your word on it?”

“Yes! I promise! I cross my heart and hope to die, Sin Eater. I’ll do whatever ye ask.”

There was a still quiet for a long moment, and then he spoke softly. “Keep walking, Cadi. A few more steps. Do ye see the path?”

“Yes.”

“Until tomorrow then, and God have mercy on us both.” I heard him no more after that.

The path led me down the mountain to Bletsung Macleod’s small meadow. It went straight to the space beneath her window. She was framed there, watching for me. As soon as I appeared at the edge of the woods, she came out to meet me. I thought she meant to take me to task for hitting and kicking her. She had the right.

“He let ye speak with him?”

I raised my eyes and saw no anger. “Yes, ma’am. I reckon he figured I’d never leave off following him unless he did.”

“Do ye feel the better for it?”

“Some, ma’am, but I’ll feel even better tomorrow.”

“Tomorrow?”

“He said to come back with bread and wine.”

“Oh.” Lifting her head, she gazed up at the mountain, troubled.

“I’m sorry I kicked ye, Miz Macleod. I had to talk to the sin eater. I just had to . . .”

She looked down at me again and ran her hand gently over my hair. “I forgive ye, Cadi. I understand.” Her eyes grew moist with tears. “We all have to do what we must do. You go on home now.” As I walked away, she called out to me. “Cadi? Ye con come down to the cabin tomorrow, if ye like. After ye talk to the sin eater. I’ll have honey cakes ready for you.”

Her invitation surprised and touched me deeply. “Thank ye kindly, ma’am.” I raced off happily. All I needed now to complete my quest was the necessary things for the ceremony. And I knew who might be called upon to give them to me.

“Now, what would ye be wanting wine and bread for, I wonder,” Miz Elda said with a dry smile. “Think ye’ve found the sin eater, do ye?”

“I have! He lives on Dead Man’s Mountain, just like ye said he did.”

“Don’t go spreading around who told ye. Brogan Kai’ll take offense at my meddlin’. Did Fagan see him, too?”

“Fagan gave up and went hunting.”

“More’s the pity, but then again, maybe that boy’ll bring me another plump squirrel for my cook pot.”

“I could bring ye some salt pork and smoked venison, if ye’d like.”

“Ye could, aye? Ye gonna ask permission this time or just steal it out from under yer mama’s nose like ye did those berry preserves?”

I blushed. My sins were ever before me. “I’ll ask. I promise.”

“Ye could ask ’em for wine and bread, too.”

The heat drained from my face. “No, ma’am, I couldn’t.”

Miz Elda took my hand. “Maybe askin’ ’em would give ’em a sign how deep ye hurt inside.”

“They know.” Mama must believe it was right for me to suffer. But I could see she was suffering, too, and it was a suffering I had brought upon her.

The old woman patted my hand tenderly. “Reckon they got their own guilt to carry, Cadi.”

I frowned, wondering at her words. “Mama and Papa ain’t never done nothing wrong.”

“You don’t think so?”

I pulled my hand from hers. “I know so.”

“Honey chile, ye dunna ken nothin’ yet about this valley or the people in it.” She looked away from me, leaning her head back and closing her eyes. “Don’t matter though. No matter how deep the truth gets buried, it always comes to light.”

I left the house before daybreak, careful not to awaken anyone. The moon was full and cast a glow over the meadowlands. I wondered about the man of God down there by the river as I hurried along the pathway to Miz Elda’s cabin. Her lantern was burning. When I tapped at the door, she called for me to come on in and said, “I been up all night thinking about ye. Everything’s ready, dearie.”

On the table was a half-filled jar of blackberry wine, a small loaf of bread, and a white shroud.

I hugged her. She returned the embrace. As I drew back, she cupped my face. “Ye tell the sin eater that Miz Elda Kendric sends him a fond hello. Will ye do that for me, Cadi?”

“Yes, ma’am.”

“And tell him summat else for me, too, Cadi. Tell him I ain’t never forgotten his name.”

“Will ye tell it to me, Miz Elda?”

“It’s for him to say, honey chile.” She smiled sadly and released me. “Fagan gonna meet ye there?”

“Fagan doesna know I’m going. This is between me and the sin eater.”

“And God. Don’t ever forget God’s the one who’ll say yea or nay to us in the end.”

“I’ve never been able to get him outta my mind.” It was fear of him that drove me. I wanted desperately to be cleansed of my sins so I wouldn’t be judged too harshly and spend eternity burning in hell.

“I’ll be thinking of ye, Cadi. I’ll keep ye in mind until ye come back and tell me all about it. So don’t leave me wondering. Ye hear?”

I promised, took the shroud, the wine, and the bread, and hurried on. My goal was just within reach. My soul would at last be at rest within me.

The path behind Bletsung Macleod’s dark cabin wound upward to the heights. I was tired by the time I got there, hurrying so far. It was a goodly distance from our end of the valley. Pausing to rest, I lifted my eyes to the mountain. From whence shall my help come? Wondering if I’d have to climb clear to the top before I found the sin eater again, I set off, determined to find my salvation.

The sin eater came to meet me. “I’m here, Cadi.” His gentle deep voice came softly from the forest. “Ye need climb no further.”

“I brought the wine and bread, sir. Miz Elda gave it to me.” My heart was thumping wildly. I was sore afraid of him. “She said to tell ye she thinks fondly of ye and she hasn’t forgotten your name.” I turned full circle and still could not see him.

“Thank her for me,” he said softly from the trees on the steep slope above me.

“Will ye tell me your name?”

“I have no name anymore. I’m lost to all I was and ever hoped to be.”

I bit my lip, wavering. “I’m sorry I’m asking more of ye.”

“Lie upon the earth, Cadi, and put the white cloth over ye. And then set the bottle of wine and bread upon your chest.”

I did so, shaking violently. Setting the jar and bread at my side where I could feel them, I lay back on the cool earth and drew the shroud up, covering myself from my feet to the top of my head. Feeling for the jar and bread, I placed them on my chest and held them there so they wouldn’t fall.

Trembling, I heard the sin eater come from his hiding place in the forest green. His footsteps were soft. As he came very near, I heard him sigh.

“Do ye want to tell me what ye did that grieves ye so, Cadi Forbes?”

The heat of shame filled me. “Do I have to? Did Granny tell ye all her sins? Or any of the others afore they died?”

“No.”

“Did ye know what they were after ye took them upon yer-self?”

“Some of their sins I knew, Cadi. Like everyone else knew. Some sins are plain as day. Others are hidden deep into the very heart. Those are the worst. The secret sins are like a cancer to the soul. I never know what they are. I just . . . take what’s given.”

“I don’t want to speak aloud of what I done.” I was trembling and kept my eyes tight shut. “I don’t want ye to know.”

He took the jar of wine and small loaf of bread from me. He was careful not to touch my hands. I reckoned he didn’t want to stain me further with the sins he already carried. And then he spoke. “Lord God Almighty, I am willing to take Cadi Forbes’s sins upon myself . . . if ye are willing.”

My throat ached with tears. He sounded so sad, so deeply burdened. I listened to him eat the bread and drink the wine and felt ashamed. I waited, scarcely breathing, praying my sins would be taken away. I waited for my burdens to be lifted so that my heart would not feel so heavy within me, like a stone pulling me down into darkness.

Nothing happened.

“I give easement and rest now to thee, Cadi Forbes, dear child, that ye walk not over fields or mountains or along pathways. And for thy peace I pawn my own soul.”

I lay still as death, waiting and waiting. Relief did not come. I felt heavier than I ever had before, so heavy I thought I might sink into the earth itself and be swallowed up. I had listened to the gentle voice of the sin eater and heard him partake of the meal of my sins. I had not felt ease at all, but a terrible consuming anguish and pity for the man beside me. He had tried—and failed—to save my soul.

I knew I was doomed.

“Why do ye weep so, Cadi Forbes?”

I had come to the end of my struggling, and my fate was before me. God knew me for the sinner I was. God would decide what he would do to me. I knew what I deserved: death and a fiery pit of eternal torture and damnation.

Curling on my side, I bunched the shroud about my face and wept. “What must I do to be saved?”

The sin eater sighed. “I wish I knew, Cadi. Oh, how I wish I knew.” He rose, moving away from me a ways and standing in the shadows of the forest. He waited there, letting me cry myself out. “Ye said ye would do whatever I asked no matter what happened, Cadi. Do ye remember?”

“I remember.” I raised my head against the dullness that swept over me. He moved behind a tree, hiding himself from me.

“Will ye keep your word to a sin eater?”

“I’ll keep my word to ye.” I needed no more sins upon my conscience.

“Then this is what I ask of you.”

I knew after he told me that my life would soon be over.