The Last Princess (23 page)

At that moment, Harry came through the French doors. “Do I hear my name being taken in vain?” he said, clapping Ellis on the back. “I could sure do with one of your famous martinis.”

Lily and Ellis didn’t have a chance to resume their interrupted conversation until Sunday morning after breakfast, when Harry had gone up to his study to work. Ellis came upon Lily as she was working in her rose garden. For a moment, he just watched her in silence while she didn’t know she was being observed. She was utterly enchanting. Ellis knew then that if he could have chosen any woman in the world, it would be she.

This was the first time he had allowed himself to spend a weekend with her and Harry in a long while, but his long absence had failed to dim his affection. If anything, he found himself more drawn than ever.

Finally Lily sensed his presence. She looked up and smiled. Ellis took her hand and helped her to her feet. “You look wonderful, Lily.” Then, slightly embarrassed, he continued. “I love that straw hat.”

Lily laughed aloud. “This old thing? I’ve had it for almost twenty years!”

“It’s still lovely. As you are.”

A long silence ensued. Finally, Ellis broke it, saying gently, “Lily … I’m concerned. Is there anything bothering you?”

Half smiling, Lily shook her head but avoided his probing gaze. “Not really … How about some coffee under the tree? I’m ready for a little shade at this point.”

“I’d like that.”

Lily went and brought back a tray. They walked down the path to the shade of the linden tree. As Lily set out the china, Ellis looked up at the sky. It was so peaceful, so lovely. Even as it was happening, he knew this was a moment to be cherished.

Lily poured him a cup of coffee and added two teaspoons of sugar. How like her to remember how he took it, he thought. But even as she passed it to him in silence, Ellis detected a mournful note in her graceful manner. The reason for her despair seemed clear. Harry neglected her. It was as simple as that.

Sure he was not mistaken, Ellis persisted in his questioning. “Lily,” he said simply, “are you happy?”

Lily averted her eyes. “No one has everything they want,” she said uncertainly.

“And what is it you’d wish for if your wish could come true?”

“Oh, Ellis, not any one thing. It’s just that I miss the children. And I miss Harry. I think the thing that hurts most is that however much I miss them all, none of them seems to miss me.”

Lily stopped abruptly. She had said more than she’d wanted to. But somehow she could no longer pretend, either to herself or to Ellis.

Ellis looked deep into her eyes. “You can tell me anything, Lily. Everything. You need someone to talk to.” He paused, then ventured, “And isn’t there more to it than just your children going off to school?”

Lily sighed. “Oh, Ellis, it’s more than that. Harry is obsessed with this new book. I scarcely see him. Tell me, are all authors so unapproachable?”

“Some are, some aren’t. Some are terribly intense and many are recluses. I have to admit that there are pretty few who have happy homes and marriages.”

“But Harry is married, and I want us to be happy. So what I need to know is, what drives him so?”

“To be honest, Lily, I think he’s still trying to prove that he’s a success—to you, to himself, but mainly to his family, the Kohles. And I’m sorry to say that he may never get over that need. I really think an abiding lack of faith in himself is what makes Harry tick.”

She laughed incredulously. “But he already has proved himself to his family. And certainly to me. He has enormous celebrity. We have more money than we’ll ever be able to use. Can’t he see that?”

“I see it, and you do, but I think Harry still has his doubts.”

Lily shook her head sadly. “Isn’t it a shame? He’s missing so much when it’s all right in front of him.”

Ellis probed further. “Have you ever told him how you feel about his neglecting you? Asked him to spend more time with you?”

“Not in so many words. I guess deep down I feel he can’t change. And I don’t really want to change him; I love him. It just seems that life has gotten in the way.”

Ellis was torn. Lily was so vulnerable just now. If he wanted to, he could easily influence her against Harry. But his conscience would not allow him to take advantage of her doubts and loneliness. Still, in good conscience he couldn’t say, “It’s going to be all right, Lily,” when he knew it wasn’t true. What she needed was honesty, not easy platitudes. Ellis chose his words carefully.

“It’s very tough to live in the shadow of someone like Harry. Someone as devoted as he is to his craft. Lily, maybe you can’t do anything to lessen Harry’s compulsion, but you can do something about your own life.”

“What, Ellis? What can I do?”

“Look, Lily. I know that I suggested this place. I was all for the move from the farm. But now I know it’s wrong for you. When I told Harry that it would be perfect for your family, I had no idea that all the children would be going to boarding school. This is no place for you to live alone.”

Lily winced. Living with Harry was like living alone.

Ellis continued. “Why don’t you consider moving to Manhattan?”

“Move—away from The Meadows? Ellis, we’re just now settling in! Why, Harry would never hear of it. He loves this place.”

“I’m not saying sell it; you could make it your weekend home. Come up here for the whole summer, if you’d like. At this point he could write anywhere. I’m thinking of you. You need the stimulation of a wider world, an outlet for all your talents and energies. You’re a remarkable woman. You don’t give yourself nearly enough credit.”

Lily was deeply flattered by the compliment. But move to the city? Her mind reeled.

“What could I do in Manhattan? I’m not qualified for anything in particular, and Harry wouldn’t want me to work, I’m sure.”

“I’m not suggesting you work in the strictest sense. You could do any number of things: volunteer work, charity organizations. You’ve been so isolated out in the country, you don’t realize that there is a world out there that would welcome you—and your talents.”

“Ellis, you’re always so full of praise. I don’t deserve half of it.”

Ellis raised his right hand and smiled. “The whole truth and nothing but the truth. I swear.” He paused, then continued. “I’ve known it from the first time I saw you, that night I came out to the farm, how special you are.”

Lily flushed with pleasure. In that moment, she realized how long it had been since Harry had given her any kind of compliment.

“You just don’t know your own worth, Lily. Why, you’re the last princess in town.”

Laughing, she asked, “What does that mean?”

“You’re the last of a rare breed,” he said thoughtfully. “Loyal and courageous and loving. You’ve stayed with Harry through thick and thin, with no word of complaint. And I’m sure you’ve had your moments of despair. But just now I think it’s time you thought of yourself for a change.”

Lily just shook her head. “You don’t balance the books in a marriage, Ellis. It’s a process of give and take.”

“Fine. I just think you’ve been doing most of the giving.”

Lily didn’t say a word. What could she say? Ellis was right. Suddenly the prospect of Manhattan no longer seemed outrageous.

“Ellis,” she said at last, “I know I’ve said this to you before, but you’re such a dear friend. What would I ever do without you?”

“I only want you to be happy, Lily.” Secretly he thought,
If only you would agree to be happy with me …

That evening after Ellis left, Lily could scarcely wait to speak to Harry. If it had not been for Ellis, she might have continued to live in near exile. But Ellis had opened her eyes. Her needs had to be considered as well as Harry’s. If only she could make him see.

That night, Lily looked at herself closely in the mirror in a way that she hadn’t for a long time. She suddenly saw how pale and weary she looked. She was withering away, no doubt about it, and all in consequence of her mental state.

Lily took a deep breath, stood straight, and went upstairs to Harry’s study. As he pulled the black hood over the typewriter, she asked, “Darling, would you like a drink?”

“Sure, I’d love one.”

She went to the bar and poured them each a jigger of Scotch, added ice and soda, then handed Harry his glass.

There were days when the blank paper stared back at him and he wanted to take the typewriter and throw it out the window, and other times when for the want of a single word he would have sold his soul. But today the work had simply flowed without effort. God was in his heaven, all was right with the world. Harry sipped his drink contentedly.

Lily nursed her drink for some minutes before broaching the subject that bore so heavily on her mind.

“Harry,” she finally began, “I’ve been thinking.”

“That’s pretty obvious. What’s on your mind?”

She cleared her throat and continued. “I think that you and I need a change.”

“Change?” He gestured expansively. “Why, I wouldn’t trade places with the King of Siam. I have everything I want—more than I ever expected to have. I love my wife, I love my home, I love my children—I love my life just as it is.”

He wasn’t making it easy for her. She took another sip, drew a deep breath, and tried again.

“Harry, the truth is that
I
need a change.”

He frowned briefly, puzzled. “Lily, we just had a change—we moved here. And you know I can’t get away just now. Rafi and Tony and I are thrashing out a lot of preliminary work, and I can’t just up and leave. But if you’d like to take a little trip, darling …”

Again there was that nagging reminder of how superfluous she was. But the echo of Ellis’s words fortified her. Boldly, she went on.

“No, Harry, what I’m talking about is on a larger scale. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but I’ve been floundering lately, not really knowing what to do with myself.”

“I know that it has been hard on you, having the children away at school, but you’ll get used to it, darling.”

“No, I don’t think I will, Harry. Let me try to explain. The truth is that I never really prepared myself for this time in my life, and now I think I need to do something different.”

“So what do you want to do? Study to be a brain surgeon? You don’t need to work; I make plenty of money.”

“It’s not money, Harry. I want to do something where I feel useful.”

“You don’t feel useful now?”

“It’s just that I feel so isolated….”

“Isolated?” Harry was genuinely surprised. “You have a car, Lily. Are the responsibilities of the house so onerous that you can’t leave? Have I ever objected to anything you’ve wanted to do? I don’t keep you in shackles.”

Lily looked at him for a long moment; he didn’t understand at all. “I’m not talking about a shopping spree or lunch in the city. I’m talking about a life, Harry. A life I haven’t made.”

Harry shook his head. “I don’t understand women. Here you are, you live in the finest suburb in Fairfield County, you have servants, you have money. You can buy and do anything you want. Meanwhile, I work day and night—and you’re complaining.”

“All of that is true, I’m not denying it. But I feel useless, Harry, and while you’re sequestered in your ivory tower, I have to find something to fill the void in my life.”

None of this was the least bit comprehensible to Harry; Lily was no career woman. She never had been. Harry frowned. “Could I have another drink, please?” He accepted his glass and took a deep swallow. “So what exactly is it you want from me? What am I supposed to do?”

“I want to move to Manhattan.”

Harry looked at his wife in disbelief. “Manhattan! Are you out of your mind? We’ve just spent a fortune on building this house. Now you’re proposing we leave it? Lily—are you going through the change of life?”

“No, of course not. But I need a change in my life.”

“But you’ve always loved the country!”

“That was when we had children at home, Harry. I loved it when we were at the farm. There was so much to do….” Her voice trailed off.

“You sound terribly deprived, Lily.”

“Harry, would you please stop being sarcastic? I’m trying hard to explain. If I keep busy with something, I won’t always be jealous of your world.”

“You’re jealous of my writing?”

“Not of your writing, but of the fact that it takes you away from me. It consumes your every waking moment. I guess I just want something to consume me.”

He got up and walked to the window, his hands shoved deep into his pockets. “But I love this house. I feel so inspired here.”

“But don’t you see that this is only a house? It hasn’t become a real home.”

Finally he began to understand what Lily was driving at. He began to see what a lonely place The Meadows was for her, especially with the children gone and with him locked up with his book. More important, he realized with a rush that he was as in love with her then as he had been that first night at the opera. He had neglected her in pursuit of his own interests, his career. Now he would make it his business to make it up to her. Slowly, he took Lily in his arms and held her close. “I haven’t done this in a long time, have I, Lily? Told you how important you are to me.”

“No, you haven’t,” she said. “And I’ve missed you terribly. This has been the worst time of my life—worse even than when you lived away from us in New York.”

Kissing her gently, he said, “We’ll drive into the city tomorrow to look for an apartment—that is, if it’s an apartment you want.”

“Oh, Harry, I’d love it.”

At this moment, she loved Harry perhaps more than at any other time in their marriage. Harry was willing to leave the home he cherished—for her. The very next day, when she and Harry drove to the city and picked out a charming pied-à-terre on Sutton Place, her happiness knew no bounds.

Little did Lily know a simple change of scenery would not change her life. If anything, Manhattan was as overwhelming as she’d always found it to be. Harry, on the other hand, fast began to thrive. Though Rafi and Tony, his researchers, were happy to return to New York, he had a new secretary, twenty-three-year-old Valerie Kirk. Lily felt herself floundering, but was loath to let Harry know. Wasn’t this move his great concession to her? How could she complain to him again, and so soon? Over and over she was reminded of the old saying: “Take care what you wish; you just might get it.”