The Last Leaves Falling (28 page)

63

So I got an e-mail today, from Yale.

OH, MAI!

Jealousy drops into my stomach like a stone. And then it’s gone. I
can’t
be jealous of Mai.

And they want to interview me. It’s a video-conference interview, and my mother’s already planning cue cards. She says she’ll sit behind the webcam and help make sure I give myself the best possible chance. I’m doomed to success!

And I can’t do it. I just
CAN’T
.

Are you up for meeting? I need ice cream.

YES!

Absolutely!

64

I just don’t understand why you won’t tell her, Mai. I’m sorry.

You wouldn’t, would you?

I stare at the words. Stung.

I’m sorry?

It’s just . . . you don’t have to worry about any of this.

What?

No. I don’t. But I wish I fucking did.

Silence.

I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that quite the way it sounded. I just . . .

Yes?

She hesitates again.

I can’t do it, Sora. I can’t.

Why?

Because of everything. Because my mother expects the best from me, and she worries, and she has invested time and money and she’s
right,
it’s hard, and irresponsible, and I
can’t do anything else
, but every time I think of pulling out I think of you, and all those schools, their history and dusty stupid books, and how you should be there. You should be going and you won’t, but I
can
and I . . . I have to go. Don’t you see?

Oh, Mai.

No.

No.

Please, no.

That’s my dream, not yours. And if you want to do something for me, you follow that. The last thing that I want is for you to wear a dream that doesn’t fit.

Please.

Ehhhhhh.

Please? If you have to do this, don’t do it for me.

65

“Mama?”

“Hmm.”

“Have you ever been to a funeral?”

It was a long, late night for me, and I think she heard me. She peers at me with one eye open. “Sora—”

“Have you? Please? I want to know.”

She takes a long, deep sip of coffee. “Yes.”

“Whose was it?”

“I’m
tired
, Sora, and I have to go to work.”

“Please?”

“My Uncle Shiro. And your great grandparents.”

“What’s it like?”

“Sora.”

I can imagine. Of course I can. I know how they prepare the body, hold a wake, where everyone who comes gives and receives gifts. I know about the incense and the payment for the River of Three Hells. The verses that the priest recites, the renaming, the picking of the bones.

I can imagine grief. Heartache. Duty.

But I do not
know
, and Mama is not talking.

66

HEY YOU TWO!

Hiiii!

gvh

Delete.

huy

Delete.

I try and I try, but my fingers will not work, will not operate the keys. It’s like they’re dead and wooden, and ten times their usual size.

SORA?

YOU THERE?

uydess

Three days ago, I was just a little clumsy. Tired.

Yuwsss

DAMN IT! Why won’t you even type one simple word?

I hate you I hate you I hate you!

I hit the keyboard harder, as though sheer force could will the words onto my screen. But it does not.

Come
on
!

I just. Want. To say. Hello.

It isn’t hard.

When tears of frustration sting my cheeks, Yamada-san flashes through my mind—the panic, breathlessness—and I realize that this isn’t helping. I need my fingers to be calm and steady. I lift my hands away from the keyboard and I breathe. In. Out. Slowly as I can.

In. Out.

In. I stretch my fingers, feel the pull of reluctant tendons. I grab my right hand with my left and guide a pointed finger toward the keys.

H i

I stab out, one letter at a time.

I ’ m h e r e.

Hi. :)

Thought you’d gone for a moment.

No. I’m just

I hit enter, before they get bored of waiting for my answer.

Fingers

Not

Working

(sorry)

Oh, Sora! That’s awful. Have you got some pills or something that will make it better?

DUDE, THAT’S LIKE MY WORST NIGHTMARE.

I know

Mine too.

I think

I’m going

To go

:(

YOU SURE? WE COULD REGALE YOU WITH TALES OF WOE SO TERRIBLY WOEFUL THAT YOU’LL FORGET ALL YOUR PROBLEMS?

I’m sure. Frustrating. Better tomorrow I hope.

All right. Call me if you want to talk rather than type.

YEAH, ME TOO.

Otherwise, we’ll see you tomorrow. Check in even if you’re not feeling great, please?

Ok

Thanks.

You’re welcome. xxxxxx

NIGHT DUDE.

Tonight, I need my mother’s help to grasp the medicine cup, to tip it back without spilling tiny pills across the floor. Her fingers feel heavy and clumsy over mine, like she cannot judge the distance to my lips.

I try not to picture her doing this every night, or at every meal, hovering over me with a spoon. Will I end up like an infant? My mother scraping puree from my chin?

67

When I woke up the next day, I lay there with my eyes squeezed shut and willed the universe to have reset me in my sleep, to let me wake up fresh and new and able to spring out of bed.

For the longest time, I did not dare to move. Because while I was staying still—deliberately, perfectly still—it was my choice, and I could jump out of bed, anytime I wanted.

But then my side began to cramp, and as I thought of lying there forever, suddenly it did not feel like freedom anymore. It was my future prison.

I blinked in the light and tried to stretch my deadwood limbs, and when they did not move as lithely as I’d hoped, I called my mother to help me get out of my bed.

Part of me had hoped, even then, that when I properly awoke, the energy would flow back into my fingertips, that I would be all right again.

But the universe doesn’t grant wishes.

I don’t think we should meet this weekend. I’m sorry.

Aw, why? What’s wrong?

ALS is bad

:( It won’t be the same without you.

It won’t be the same with me either. I am useless now.

MAI’S RIGHT. ARE YOU SURE YOU CAN’T MANAGE IT? WE’LL HELP!

OR WE CAN DO SOMETHING DIFFERENT. WE COULD COME TO YOU IF YOU WOULD LIKE!

Yes! We can bring ice cream or coffee or books or ANYTHING.

I don’t know.

Pleaaaase? We need you.

Unless you’re feeling really bad.

No. It’s not that.

It’s just

You shouldn’t have to

Nonsense!

DUDE, WE’RE FRIENDS. THAT’S WHAT WE DO.

Ok

Yes

I’ll come

YES! :)

Yay! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!

But promise me . . .

What?

I remember the look on my classmates’ faces when they came to visit. Strangers’ pity. The first time I saw Yamada Eiji. And all I can think is:
Don’t think any less of me. Please.
> But I don’t know how to say it, and I know they’d only take it the wrong way.

Nothing

:)

See you then!