The Last Goodbye (21 page)

“What does he reckon it is?”

“Oh, it’s some sort of tummy bug.”

“Well, did he give you anything for it?”

“Yeah, just a few tablets,” I lied.

“Did you get the bread?”

“What?”

“Bread – we’re nearly all out – you said you’d pick it up while you were down there?”

“Oh God, sorry, I forgot it.”

“Not to worry – I’ll drive down later. You’re looking very pale – will I put on the kettle?”

“Yeah, thanks, love,” I sighed, sitting down beside him at the table.

“Are you sure you’re feeling all right?”

“Yeah, not a bother.” I forced a smile on my face. Jesus, if he only knew!

Noel headed back out to the fields a while later and I still stayed rooted to my chair. I looked around at the pine kitchen that Noel had made himself. He was good with his hands – give him a piece of wood and you never knew what he would turn it into.

Kate came in from school soon after. The boys would be late today because they had football training after school on a Wednesday. I watched as she arched her back and slid her arms out of the straps of her schoolbag so that the heavy bag plunged on to the kitchen lino.

“How was school, love?”

“Grand.”

She opened up the fridge and stared into it.

“Did you get much homework?”

“Yeah.”

“Did you get the results of your French test back?”

“Yeah.”

“How did you get on?”

“I got a B.”

“Well done.”

She glared at me. “There’s nothing to eat, Mam.”

“Yes, there is – there’s ham and cheese in there – why don’t you make yourself a sandwich?”

“I don’t want a sandwich.”

“Well, what do you want then?” I sighed wearily.

“Pasta.”

“There’s some in the press.”

She put a saucepan of water on the hob to boil. What would Kate say when I told her? I was nearly more scared of telling Kate than Noel – she’d have a conniption. She’d probably be mortified that her parents were still having sex.

“Can I go to Bergin’s on Friday?”

“No way!”

“Why not, Mam? Everyone else is going!”

“I said no – I’m not going over this again. I’ve heard all sorts of things go on in that place and you’re too young – you’re only thirteen.”

“Yeah – but it’s an
underage
disco.” She said it in a tone that implied I was stupid.

“Kate, I’m not getting in to another argument about it.
No
means
no
!”

“For fuck sake, you’re such an auld one!”

“Don’t use that language in this house.”

“What ‘fuck’ or ‘auld one’?” she said as she stormed out of the kitchen, slamming every door she encountered on her way to her bedroom.

Dear God, whoever thinks the terrible twos are bad should wait until they reach the teenage years. Kate had only just entered hers and I desperately wished we could go back to her toddler years again. My lovely daughter had turned into a complete anti-Christ in the last few months.

I walked over to the cooker and turned off the ring. I doubted she’d be back to eat her pasta now.

Patrick and Seán came in together soon after. Both came over and gave me a kiss on the cheek before going to check out the fridge in the same manner as their older sister had. I got up and made them a sandwich each and they ate them before heading down to their room to start their homework. The boys were much more straightforward than Kate – there were no dramas, no fuss – they just did what you told them to do.

Later on at the dinner table Kate breezed in, with no door slamming or shouting. She seemed to have forgotten her earlier strop. I knew that she must want something.

I was passing the bowl of spuds around when she came out with it.

“Can I get a new pair of jeans?”

“You just got a pair in Dunnes a few weeks ago.”

“Exactly!” She sighed. “They’re from Dunnes – I want a pair of Levi’s.”

“Don’t we all? You know we can’t afford them, Kate.”

“Dad, tell her!” she said, turning to Noel.

She always did this, tried to play me off against her father whenever she wasn’t getting her own way with me.

“Well, how much are these Levi’s you’re talking about?”

“Don’t listen to her, Noel – you could buy three pairs of jeans in Dunnes for the price of them.” She was always asking for clothes that she knew well we couldn’t afford. I was sure all her friends were wearing them and it was hard for a teenager not to be keeping up but we just didn’t have the money. Especially now.

“You always go and ruin everything!” She turned to me, her eyes blazing. She pushed back her chair and hopped up from the table, clattering her cutlery off the plate.

“There she goes again!” Patrick said, rolling his eyes.

I had to stifle a laugh.

“Can I have an ice cream, Mam?” Seán asked me.

“Go on.” I was too tired to fight with him.

He jumped up and went over to the freezer.

“Here, give me one and all.” I might as well, I reasoned – I was going to be getting fat anyway.

Chapter 28

“I don’t want to watch the
Late Late
!”

“Well, don’t watch it then.”

“Well, it’s kinda hard not to, given that we only have one TV.” Kate was forever complaining that her friends had TVs in their bedrooms, kitchens, sitting rooms, loos, garden sheds and God knows wherever else they could put them.

“I bet they’re all there now having fun.”

She was referring to the underage disco in Bergin’s that I wouldn’t let her go to. I pretended that I couldn’t hear her.

“Everyone. As in the whole class. Except me.”

“Will you give it over, Kate?” Noel said at last.

He was normally so mild-mannered that when he did get cross with her, she knew not to push it any further.

We all sat in silence then, watching Gaybo interviewing some singer that I had never heard of.

“Mam, can I go and meet Aidan tomorrow?”

“Well, what homework have you got?”

“Just an essay for Irish.”

“Right, well, you can meet him after you’ve done that.”

Aidan was Kate’s boyfriend. They had been together for a couple of months now, which was serious enough at that age. He seemed like a nice enough fella and Noel knew his dad too which helped.

I let out another large yawn.

“You’re tired, love,” Noel said.

“Yeah, I think I’ll hit the hay.”

“But it’s only half nine,” Patrick said, more out of fear that he would be sent to bed too rather than concern for me.

Seán was already in bed. He had fallen asleep on the sofa and Noel had lifted him into his bed.

“Yeah, well, it’s been a long day,” I said. “You can stay up for another half an hour and then off to bed with you – do you hear me, Patrick?”

He nodded.

“Night, everyone.”

As I lay in bed I wondered how on earth was I going to break it to Noel? We already had our hands full. And going back to the start again – all the night feeds, sleep deprivation, sterilising bottles, puréeing food and running around after a toddler – the thought of doing all that again was wearisome. And it didn’t help that I kept doing the maths on all the different stages – the latest one to shock me was that I would be nearly sixty when the child would be eighteen!

The next morning I had to jump out of bed and run to the bathroom to be sick. I was trying to keep quiet so that I wouldn’t wake the kids.

“Are you okay, Eva?” I turned my head from the toilet bowl and saw him standing in the doorway.

“Sorry, love, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“I thought you said that O’Brien gave you something for it?”

“What? Oh yeah. Look, Noel, I have something to tell you.”

“What is it?”

“Best put the kettle on.”

We went quietly down to the kitchen. It was the only quiet time of the day before the three would be up, their noise running and reverberating throughout the house.

“Sit down there and I’ll make the tea.”

“What is it, Eva? You’re worrying me now . . .”

My hand fidgeted with the seam on my dressing gown, unravelling a loose thread. I pulled at it but it just unwound even more, so I let the thread fall away from between my fingers.

“Wait.”

I quickly made the tea and came back with two mugs and put them down on the table.

“There you are now.”

“Well?”

“Noel . . . when I went to Doctor O’Brien yesterday . . .”

“What is it, Eva – what’s wrong?”

“I’m pregnant, Noel!” I blurted out.

“What?” He moved his chair back from the table with a screech.

“I know.”

“But how?”

I shrugged my shoulders. “I guess we weren’t as careful as we thought.”

“Jesus, Eva!”

“Well, I hardly did it all by myself, now did I!”

“But what are we going to do?”

“What can we do?”

“But starting all over again – just as they’re growing up a bit – things were beginning to get a bit easier. And the money – sure we can barely afford the three that we have!”

“I know, Noel – I know.” I held my head in my hands.

He came over and put his arm around my shoulders.

“How far along are you?”

“I’m not sure – Doctor O’Brien said I should go to the hospital for a scan to confirm.”

“Dear God – I just can’t believe it. Sure I wouldn’t know what to do with a little baby any more.”

“Can you imagine what Kate will say?”

Noel started to laugh then.

“What? It’s hardly funny!”

“I’m just thinking of how she’s going to react – you can expect World War Three.”

I smiled. “We’ll be the talk of the town. People will think we’re at it like rabbits.” I started to laugh then too.

“That’ll be the least of our worries,” he said.

“I’m nearly forty, Noel – when the child is Seán’s age I’ll be heading towards fifty – when it’s getting married I’ll probably be in my seventies.” I groaned. “And, you know, at my age the risks of everything . . . go up.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, Down Syndrome and things like that.”

“Right. I see . . . look, whatever happens we’ll get through it, Eva.” He took my hand in his. “Granted it’s not ideal but I suppose everything happens for a reason. We’ll get used to the idea.”

“When will we tell the children? I bags not telling Kate!”

“Ah there’s no rush – let’s get our own heads around it first and we can tell them in a few weeks.”

Chapter 29

I was exhausted as the weeks went on. Kate with her ever-increasing demands had me worn out. Patrick and Seán, although easy in comparison to Kate, still required minding and God only knew what would happen when you threw a newborn baby into the mix! I had been tired with the others but never this bad – I suppose it was my age. This was going to be a tough nine months – there was no doubt about it. I had started thinking of all the stuff that we would need. We had nothing – we would be starting from scratch again. Baby equipment, the steriliser, cot and clothes – I had given them all away. Even the toys that the kids had when they were small – I had tidied them up last year and given them to the St Vincent de Paul.

I had told Mam about the pregnancy after I had told Noel. I had to – I knew she would see through me if I tried to keep it a secret – and even she was shocked.

“I thought ye were done!” she’d said.

“So did I . . .”

“Well, the Lord works in mysterious ways – he has given you this child for a reason.”

“Hmmh . . . maybe you’re right.”

“I am.”

“How will we manage though, Mam? Financially things are so tight at the moment and I’m already exhausted, I don’t know how I’ll cope at all.”

“Don’t worry, love, you’ll be grand, you’ll make things stretch. You’ll get through it.”