The Kitchen House (31 page)

I did not know where to turn for help. Meg was as inexperienced as I, but more to the point, she had made it clear from the beginning that she did not wish to discuss anything about my relationship with Mr. Boran. I attempted a conversation with Miss Sarah, but I believe she thought I was seeking information about the wedding night and, embarrassed, she cut short the subject. The next day she came to my room and gave me a pamphlet to read. Information in it implied that the union between married couples was, while performed by men, to be endured by women.

Meanwhile, Mr. Boran was becoming more and more adept at finding ways to get me alone. His excuses were varied: a letter that he wanted me to hear in private, a small gift he wished me to have. The Maddens always agreed to his requests and often, of an evening, retired early to give us our privacy. I discouraged his advances as best I could and tried to redirect him with conversation,
but he was becoming more bold and demanding. During his lewd advances, I fought to control my outright disgust, and after, alone in my room, I promised myself to find a way out of this agreement. One night, in a moment of inspiration, I thought of our tutor, Mrs. Ames. I would ask her advice. Could I work as a governess? Did I have enough education to teach?

Her response was immediate. “My dear! Why would you want to do that?” In the one-way conversation that followed, she explained that teaching was an acceptable fate only if there was no alternative. She listed her reasons. First there was the issue of finding an amenable situation. Then there was always the fear of losing the position. “It happens all the time, and where does that leave a young woman? To be thrown out on the street? No, no, no! A girl such as yourself wants marriage.”

Much discouraged, I decided that door was closed.

Then came the invitation to an evening ball at the Raleigh Tavern. Offered by Mr. Boran, it included Meg. By now Mr. Boran had sensed Meg’s opposition to our engagement, and I believe this invitation was his effort to gain her goodwill. At first I did not know why she agreed so readily, as it was customary for her to refuse these social excursions. She surprised me further when she appealed to her mother to provide each of us with a new dress for the occasion. Delighted at the prospect of her daughter’s interest in a social outing, Miss Sarah had the dressmaker in the very next day.

Meg had grown over the past year, though at fifteen, she remained short and slight. She had developed few feminine curves but was really quite pretty when she removed her eyeglasses to accentuate her pert nose and large brown eyes. Her hair remained difficult to control, for it frizzed rather than curled, and only braids or tight combs could hold it in place. Pins gave her a headache, she said, so often as not, her hair did as it would.

Meg was as devoted to her study of biology as ever, but of late she appeared to have taken an interest in one young man. He was Henry Crater, the twin whom Marshall had pummeled a few years back. Meg claimed her interest in Henry was related strictly to
nature study, for Henry, now at college, also studied botany. But recently, when he came by to exchange books on the subject, I noticed Meg’s hair done up in combs.

The night of the ball, before we dressed, I piled up my hair and dressed it prettily with white ribbon. On seeing it done, Meg handed me some yellow ribbon and asked that I do the same for her. She chatted away while I did so and, to my amusement, let it slip that she hoped to see Henry at the event.

After we were dressed, Meg and I studied each other. We had each chosen a fashionable dress of white lawn with empire waist, low square neckline, and small puff sleeves. For trim, I had chosen blue ribbon, while Meg had selected yellow embroidery. Under our skirts, we wore flesh-toned pantaloons edged to match our dresses. We gave each other high praise on our appearance, and when I saw Meg smile at herself in the mirror, I suspected that for the first time, she knew what it was like to feel pretty.

This was my first formal outing with Mr. Boran, and I must admit, though I was excited by a new experience, I wished myself in Meg’s position. I knew from the moment Mr. Boran arrived with his carriage that the evening would provide a challenge. On the ride over, he would not take his eyes from me, and to my embarrassment, he would not stop staring at the low cut of my gown. He repeatedly remarked at my beauty until Meg asked him to please find another topic. He fell silent, and I was relieved when we reached our destination. The Maddens were already there and came to greet us.

Mr. Boran did not wait but took me immediately to the dance floor. He moved with dexterity, but I was not put at ease when, with each pass, his eyes covered me in such a way that I feared how the evening might end. Clearly, he considered me his prize, and as this was our first public outing, I did not doubt that gossip circled the room. He did not want to leave the dance floor, so when I spied Meg off to the side, chatting with Henry, I insisted I needed a rest. But even then, to my frustration, Mr. Boran remained my
shadow. I wanted to speak privately with Meg, to ensure that she would return home with us, but it wasn’t until I had the inspiration to request some refreshment that Mr. Boran reluctantly left my side. Of course, this was the moment when Meg agreed to dance with Henry, and knowing this was a triumph for him, I did not hold them back.

From the dance floor, Miss Sarah beamed her approval, first at Meg, then at me. To my relief, I saw Marshall making his way toward me. My first thought was one of safety, and I eagerly watched his approach. Marshall looked striking in a dark green velvet coat, matching vest, and white muslin cravat. He glanced but once at my form, bowed politely, then stood to my side looking out at the dance floor.

“You’ve never looked more beautiful,” he said.

“Marshall …” I began, but did not know how to proceed.

“What is it, Lavinia?” He leaned down to better hear.

“I’m afraid,” I said.

“Afraid? Of what?” He looked directly at me, and at once I saw his concern.

“Marshall! It’s good to see you watching out for Lavinia.” Mr. Boran approached us with a newfound confidence. “I will see to her now,” he added, offering me the drink. Marshall said not a word, and my heart plummeted when he bowed abruptly, then walked away.

“My dear,” said Mr. Boran, “I have a favor to ask.”

“Yes?”

“I promised Molly that I would bring you by the house tonight so she might see how beautiful you are.”

“But what about—”

“I’ve already spoken to the Maddens. I told them we would return once we’ve satisfied Molly.”

I looked across the dance floor and saw the Maddens laughing with another couple while Meg danced by with Henry. “Let me say good-bye,” I said.

“No.” He grasped my elbow. “We’ll return. Come now, the carriage is ready.”

“But I don’t wish to go.”

“You would disappoint Molly?” he asked.

I hesitated and looked around, trying to think of a way out.

“Well, I won’t have her disappointed,” he said, and pressing his fingers into my arm, he steered me through the packed room and out the door.

I was silent on the ride to his home, and I felt some relief when he ordered the carriage to wait in the front. He took me into a parlor, but as I feared, Molly was not home. When I realized that his housemaid was also away, I became truly frightened. “Mr. Boran—”

He did not wait. ‘You will be my wife in a few short months,” he said, as though offering an excuse for the attack he began. I fought as though my life depended on my virtue, and I might have lost had he not tripped on his breeches when I made my escape. I ran from the house, leaving behind my wrap, not caring that I was half undressed. When I reached the carriage, I grabbed at the door handle and sobbed directions to the driver. I screamed when I felt hands clutch me from behind. The horses jerked forward, but I would not release my hold on the carriage door and was dragged along until I lost my grip.

“Lavinia! It’s me! It’s me!”

It was only when I fell away from the carriage that I realized the man holding me was Marshall.

M
ARSHALL COVERED ME WITH HIS
jacket, then took me home. Once there, he intended to leave me while he went for the Maddens, but, certain that Mr. Boran would reappear, I pleaded for him to stay. To my relief, Marshall waited while I went upstairs to change, and he promised to do so until the Maddens’ return. When I came downstairs, I couldn’t stop shaking until he poured me a large measure of brandy and had me drink it down. The liquid bit into me but helped settle me, and after a short while, since I was
unaccustomed to liquor, it loosened my tongue. I told Marshall of the liberties Mr. Boran had taken, and I spoke openly of my revulsion at the thought of marrying him. Suddenly, I had a terrible thought. “Must I still marry him?” I asked.

“No, Lavinia. You are quite through with him,” Marshall assured me.

“But I agreed to it,” I said.

“And I never understood why,” he answered.

“I thought it the only solution. The Maddens have been so good to me. I can’t expect them to provide for me much longer.”

“Vinny! Vinny!” Meg flew in with the Maddens close behind. She rushed to my side, then stopped and stepped back to look at me. “You’ve been drinking!” she said. “You smell of it.”

“I gave her some brandy,” Marshall said.

“Marshall!” Miss Sarah scolded.

“She had need of it,” he said.

Meg began the questions. “Whatever happened, Vinny? Mr. Boran came to find Father. He was white in the face. He said some terrible things about you.”

I turned to Marshall for help, but he was already leading Mr. Madden from the room. Miss Sarah took a chair opposite me and demanded to know the story. After I told her everything, Meg put her arms around my shoulders. That was when I began to weep.

T
HE ENGAGEMENT WAS ENDED, BUT
I hated to have humiliated the Maddens with my failure. I felt especially guilty knowing that Mr. Madden had been a friend of Mr. Boran’s; I knew how closely their work was related. I could only guess at the questions and the gossip that Miss Sarah was subjected to, and I could not think of a word to say to her as apology. No one told me the story the vile man circulated, but the little I did hear was evil enough to have half the town question the integrity of my character. How I regretted putting this family in such a position. I realized more than ever that I must soon make my own way.

I determined to wait until my seventeenth birthday before I
appealed once again to Mrs. Ames. I was hopeful that she might see my need more clearly and be willing to take some steps to help me secure a position as governess. With that in mind, I concentrated more than ever on my studies. Marshall never referred to that night, but embarrassed to think of what he had witnessed, not the least being my near state of undress, I was more reserved with him. He continued to teach the Saturday class and once again joined the family for Saturday dinners.

Meg stood by me, as always. On a day not long after the ball, Mr. Degat, in a snide manner, questioned my part in the failed engagement. Meg cut him short by asking him about a particularly ugly piece of gossip that paired him with Mr. Alessi.

During that fall and winter, I welcomed my twice-weekly visits to Miss Martha. Her needs were such that mine paled next to hers, and each time I saw her eyes light up at my appearance, it let me know that I had something to offer.

Miss Martha was finally responding to treatment. The doctors had discovered that when laudanum was given four times a day, rather than just at bedtime, her outbursts all but disappeared. With this improvement, all other treatments were discontinued, and gradually, her behavior stabilized. There were times when I spoke to her of my daily affairs and she showed interest, appearing to comprehend my words. I did not include my concerns but told lighthearted stories based on village gossip. She listened intently and, during the telling, often took my hand and stroked it with what I took to be affection.

One day when she reached for my hand, I felt such warmth toward her that I wondered if that feeling was akin to what I might feel toward a mother. She noted my mood, and when my eyes welled up, she touched my hand to her face for the first time ever. Following that, my affection for her deepened, and I resolved to continue to see her no matter where my future might take me.

M
AY ARRIVED, AND WITH ITS
sweet greening, I tried to convince myself that my future was not as bleak as I had imagined. I still had
not written to Belle, for I held a deep hurt that she had not seen fit to tell me the reason for Will’s visit—that of securing her for himself. But in truth, it was not the only reason I did not write. I knew there was no chance of returning to the family I loved, and the thought of further contact had become too heart-wrenching.

I arranged to meet with Mrs. Ames the day following my seventeenth birthday. I decided that if she was unable to help me, I would prevail upon the Maddens one last time, to assist me in finding a family in need of a governess.

Meg was sixteen, the age when a girl’s schooling was considered complete. It was expected that a young woman of that age fill her time with social obligations, but this being Meg, no one questioned when she announced that she would continue her study as before. Although we did not speak of it, Meg assumed I would go on with her, but I had already been given a year’s grace. It was time for me to find employment.

About a week before my birthday, the mood in the household changed. For no reason that I could understand, the Maddens were more lighthearted in their approach to me; even Meg, normally oblivious to her parents, noted the difference. I guessed it had to do with their gratitude for my visiting Miss Martha. Indeed, Miss Sarah remarked often how well her sister was doing and said she was certain it was I who had made all the difference.

Over the winter Marshall had begun to visit on Wednesday evenings to play cards with Meg and me. I remained most grateful for his rescue of me, and because of it, I found myself in frequent romantic daydreams that included him. They embarrassed me, and afraid of giving myself away, I was often more reserved with him than I meant to be.