The Kingdom of Eternal Sorrow (The Golden Mage Book 1) (17 page)

“When the people get wind of her presence, Roderick no doubt will hear
of her existence. That, I could not possibly prevent, and that’s what has me so
worried. Armed with this new information, wouldn’t he double his efforts to
breach the Shield? If Roderick was to have her under his control, he would no
doubt be unstoppable, but that’s not the only thing that makes me uneasy.”

Diryan paused, unsure if he should mention anything to her. Ileanna
raised an eyebrow at his obvious hesitation but said nothing. That’s what he
loved most about her. She knew with almost a Seer’s awareness when she should
and should not press him. He was glad that she was willing to tell him where to
stuff it even when in a rage if she felt it was necessary.

“I’m afraid that Aidric has become infatuated with her,” Diryan
continued finally with a sigh, deciding that it was something his wife needed
to know.

“I know,” she replied softly to his surprise. “Yet, is it really so
surprising? She’s very beautiful, alone, and vulnerable. The only person she
seems to trust is him. Isn’t it natural for him to develop
some
feelings
for the child?”

“Some feelings, yes,” Diryan replied, “but what I have seen goes much
deeper than a desire to protect, or even just plain interest in a lovely
maiden. I have never known Aidric to give his heart so freely in so little time
to anything, especially after that little incident with the last woman he took
up with.”

“I would hardly call that bitch nearly destroying his life a ‘little’
incident,” Ileanna cut in heatedly.

Diryan chose to ignore that comment. The last thing he wanted to do was
get into another discussion with his wife about the infamous Alina affair.

Instead of the retort he wanted to snap back at her, he said, “Aidric
practically struck Zenas down every time he said a negative thing about the
girl, and it’s that behavior that has me so worried.”

“Why?” Ileanna asked, clearly surprised.

“Because his involvement with a mage with the potential power the girl
has could be disastrous for all of us. No—hear me out, my dear. If indeed they
become romantically involved and any of our enemies learned of the pairing,
they could very well use that information to their advantage. I don’t need to
remind you how Roderick has used such information in the past.

“
Everyone
,
including our enemies, knows how vulnerable Aidric is with matters of the heart
thanks to that damned bard, Patrym, and his accursed song. If something was to
happen to the girl—after all, we cannot keep her confined within the palace
forever—Aidric would probably never recover. He’s had too much heartache in the
past to survive another large blow. Without Aidric, our magical defenses would
suffer greatly, and Roderick would stand a better chance of laying siege over
Kemos and Na’ar, thus forcing me to make a decision I much rather not
contemplate making.”

“My beloved, I’m sure it wouldn’t ever come to that,” Ileanna said. “Do
we dare deny Aidric any happiness—or Allison? Look at all the happiness we have
found together when many thought
our
marriage would only bring
disaster.”

Diryan remembered only too well how much his father had tormented him
because he was in love with and wanted to wed a woman of low birth. Among
monarchs, that simply was not done—at least Diryan’s father insisted that it
was not. In the end, Diryan eventually won over his father and his father’s
councilors when he pointed out that several monarchs in the past had indeed
taken a woman of low birth as their queen and as a result, completely won the
favor of all the peasants. During his grandfather’s reign, there had been many
peasant revolts, one of which almost succeeded in removing his grandfather from
the throne
.

And of his life
, he thought gravely.

Diryan’s father had been thirteen when that particular revolt occurred,
so he knew only too well that if he would not allow his son to marry Ileanna,
the people would be outraged and probably revolt again. However, he was insistent
on the fact that Diryan was making a terrible mistake, and she would only bring
him grief. Sure, there had been grief, so much that Diryan had toyed with the
notion that his father had cursed him, but there was also much happiness. In
the end, the happiness of their partnership greatly outweighed all the
heartache.

“That’s all well and good, but what if she doesn’t wish to have the
lad’s attentions?” Diryan asked with a worried frown.

Ileanna regarded him with a peculiar smile, causing him to look at her
suspiciously. When it became apparent that she was not going to enlighten him
without some prodding, he demanded, “All right woman, out with it.”

“With what?” she asked innocently, her face in a mask of complete
puzzlement.

“By Aidius, if you were not my wife and love, I would seriously
consider thrashing you!” he grumbled irritably.

She laughed good-naturedly and wrapped her arms snugly around his neck.
“My dear,” she said warmly, “you are taking the situation much too seriously.
Aidric is an adult and perfectly capable of making intelligent decisions on his
own. Bright Thrones above, you act as if he is still in swaddling clothes!”

“However, in matters of the heart, he is as foolish as a lovesick
minstrel!” Diryan insisted.

“Come now, Diryan, give the lad more credit than that! After his last
disastrous tryst, he has taken to guarding his heart more closely. Besides, I
happen to know the girl, Allison, feels the same towards Aidric as he does
her.”

“She has confided this to you?” Diryan asked in disbelief. “By the Thrones
above, you clever woman, if I had known you could extract information such as
that so efficiently and quickly, then I would have had you assigned to
interrogate prisoners the moment you became my queen!”

“No thank you,” she replied dryly. “I would much rather keep my
distance from that nasty lot. Besides, Allison didn’t actually confide this to
me. It was my own observation of her behavior and words when Aidric was mentioned
that led me to conclude this.”

“Perhaps you could have been mistaken?” Diryan said skeptically.

Ileanna laughed dryly and said, “Hardly, my dear husband. Even though I
believe she doesn’t realize it yet, there’s no doubt in my mind that she is
falling in love with her gallant protector.”

Diryan looked amusedly at Ileanna’s determined expression, smiled
indulgently, and drew her to him for a tender kiss. “Women,” he breathed into
her ear, “always thinking they know all when it comes to love.”

“Oh, but don’t we?” she replied slyly as she began to caress his cheek
seductively in invitation.

Diryan laughed and said, “Keep this up, my beloved, and I’ll not
accomplish anything else today!”

“Duty, duty,” she sighed in mock disappointment. “Were we but simple
peasants—”

“At times such as these, I sometimes wish I
had
been born a
regular man,” Diryan replied wistfully, “but then, perhaps you would not have
been interested in me—seeing as how I would be just a peasant and not a king!”

“You beast!” Ileanna exclaimed, feigning insult.

Diryan smiled wickedly at her and said, “Tonight is a night for
celebration. Shall I make it up to you by having our own little ‘celebration’
here tonight?”

Ileanna blushed as deeply as any young court girl and replied, “In that
case, milord, I’ll forgive you your remark. Go now and attend to your business,
and I’ll attend to mine. I must admit that I have much to do before tonight’s
celebration, but before you go, I want you to promise me one thing, Diryan.”

“I’m yours to command, milady.”

“Diryan, I’m serious!” she exclaimed in exasperation. “You must give me
your solemn oath that you will do nothing to come between Aidric and Allison
should a romance suddenly blossom between them.”

“You know I cannot possibly promise you that,” Diryan replied
unhappily. “You know as well as I that my kingdom must
always
come
before anything else. If I deem it best to forbid them from pairing, then it
will be because the wellbeing of the entire kingdom depends on it, but I’ll
promise you this, Ileanna. For the time being, I’ll let the matter be. Whether
I intervene or not depends upon how Roderick will react to our newest citizen.”

Ileanna still looked unhappy, but she nodded reluctantly and said,
“Good enough, I suppose, but it doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

“I know, my dear,” Diryan crooned softly as he rose and took her into
his arms in an affectionate embrace. With Ileanna in his arms, his burdens
never seemed quite so heavy. “I don’t like it either. The Thrones know we have
all had more than our fair share of heartaches around here, but Aidric knew he
would have to make some sacrifices when he made his vows to the Horae. We can
only wait and see what comes of all of this and hope that my interference will
not be necessary.”

As he held Ileanna tightly in his arms, he thought, troubled,
…and
hope that Aidric will not hate me to his last dying breath if the time
does
come for me to interfere.

A slight fluttering sensation in her mind roused Allison from her fitful
sleep. She groaned sleepily, her senses momentarily confused.
What an odd
and horrible dream
, she thought as she struggled to awaken her foggy mind.
For
a minute there, it seemed so real.

As her mind began to clear, she suddenly felt something
soft, but with an uneven surface, beneath her body. Her eyes flew open, and she
groaned despairingly when she saw that she was not in her room in her
California apartment but in the room the Mage-general of Lamia had given her. She
felt her eyes tighten with threatening tears.

So it wasn’t a dream
, Allison thought miserably as she squeezed
her eyes tightly shut, willing the world away with everything in her.

As if to confirm her thoughts, she suddenly heard Aidric’s cheerful
voice say in her mind,
“Wake up, sleepy.”

“I
am
awake,”
she sent back with her mind crossly.
Unfortunately.

“You sleep as soundly as a cat,”
he teased
. “I touched your
mind several times before you even stirred.”

“So Lamia has cats,”
she thought bemusedly, before realizing she
had probably sent that thought to him.

“Pardon?”

“Never mind,”
she said.
“It was a thought I didn’t mean to
send. I suppose you woke me up because it’s almost time for the celebration?”

“Yes, but I had hoped you would be in better spirits about attending
after you had rested a bit.”
She could almost see his disappointment in the
thought.

“I’m sorry Aidric, but it’s hard for me to be enthused about going. I’ve
never liked going to that sort of thing. Large crowds just make me nervous for
a variety of reasons, but don’t worry. I’m not backing out. I promised you I
would go, and I will.”

“Then if you are to be ready in time, I should let you be,”
he
sent cheerfully.
“I’ll be eagerly awaiting your presence in the sitting
room.”

I wish I could just lie here in this bed for the rest of my life,
Allison thought wistfully as she forced her reluctant body to rise from the
warmth and comfort of the mass of blankets and feathers. She grabbed a robe-like
garment from a nearby chair and wrapped it securely around her body.

God, I don’t know if I’m ready to face this celebration thing right
now!
She blanched as she thought of the enormous amount of people she would
have to face in an hour or so. Every one of them would no doubt be scrutinizing
her the whole time, all those strange eyes boring into her, searching,
weighing—

I can’t do it!
Allison thought frantically, feeling the panic
start to possess her body before she could stop it. Suddenly she couldn’t
breathe, feeling as if an invisible hand was slowly squeezing the air from her
lungs while fear gripped fiercely at her heart.

Panic attack
, she thought through the fear.
Not again—I can’t
let it happen again! Dammit! Just one slow breath at a time—

However, the more calmly she tried to draw a breath, the more it seemed
her throat constricted on her windpipe. With a strangled gasp, she collapsed
onto her knees, her hands frantically clawing at her throat as she tried to
coax a breath into her aching lungs.

The room began to darken and spin despite her futile efforts to
breathe, and in a last attempt to save herself from unconsciousness, she
mind-called Aidric, all her fear and panic laced into his name as she fell over
onto her face, too weak to even attempt to draw another strangled breath.

Before the darkness could fully claim her mind, she distantly heard the
door fling open, and a second later, a hand gently touched her forehead. A wave
of peaceful warmth washed through her body, and before she knew what was
happening, she was on her back and noisily drawing in huge breaths. As Allison
began to cough fitfully, she felt herself carefully lifted from the cold floor
and enveloped into a pair of strong, protecting arms.

“It’s all right,”
she heard a male voice say soothingly into the
chaos of her mind.
“I’m here, and everything is going to be all right.”

It took a few moments of confusion before she realized that
it was Aidric’s voice that had spoken in her mind and the arms that now held
her belonged to him. Then with horror, Allison realized what had happened and
that Aidric had seen her once again at her lowest. She tried to pull away,
humiliated to the point of tears, but it only caused him to hold her more
tightly.

“I think not,” Aidric said softly. “You are
not
going anywhere
until I get to the bottom of what just happened here.”

“I—” Allison started to say before she lost what little ounce of
dignity she had left and burst into tears, burying her face into the now
familiar silkiness of his shirt. He said nothing, not even little words of
reassurance as he had before. He just merely held her, sensing perhaps that she
needed his closeness more than his words.

“Why does this always happen to me?” she whispered miserably through
her tears. “Why can’t I just get over it?”

“‘Get over it’?” he repeated questioningly, causing her to raise her
head that suddenly felt two sizes too large and stare up into his pale-violet
eyes, her tears momentarily forgotten.

Allison was a bit taken aback. She had only been babbling.

“I—never mind,” she said shakily.

“Allison—” Aidric said firmly, staring down into her eyes so intently
that she had to look away.

Although the fingers that grasped her chin were gentle, the pressure
was firm as he turned her chin towards him until she was forced to look into
those penetrating eyes again. When Allison tried to avert her eyes a second
time, Aidric shook his head and demanded, “Allison, look at me.”

Feeling overwhelmed and at the verge of tears again, she reluctantly
obeyed. As he gazed into her eyes, Allison suddenly realized what he was doing.
She could vaguely feel his presence in her mind, like a faint whisper in the
back of an enormous cathedral.

In a panic, she shoved at the alien presence in her head in an attempt
to expel him. To her immense relief, all traces of the presence left her mind. Aidric
blinked at her questioningly, clearly surprised that she had flung him from her
mind.

Allison expected him to be angry, but he just sighed and asked in a
neutral tone, “Why did you do that?”

She tried to pull away, but his arms were like steel bands. “I can’t
let you know…”

“Know what?”

“Please,” she pleaded weakly, feeling the tears suddenly start to leak
from her eyes again, “don’t ask this of me. Just—promise me you won’t ever try
to read my mind again unless I say it’s okay.”

Something akin to hurt flashed briefly in his eyes, but it
had come and gone so quickly that she wasn’t entirely sure she had seen it in
the first place. “The anxiety attack you just suffered was severe enough that
it nearly caused you to lose consciousness. I was only trying to find an
answer.” Aidric said quietly, his eyes now unreadable. “I’m sorry. You will
have my promise, of course.”

Allison’s heart clenched. Yes, she had definitely offended him. A fine
way to repay his kindness.

“No—
I’m
sorry,” she said, lowering her eyes in shame. “I didn’t
mean—you just—surprised me. No, that’s no excuse. Here you are trying to help
me, and I just shove it right back in your face. You must think I’m such an
ungrateful bitch.”

“No, the fault is mine, alone,” Aidric said ruefully. “You’re right. I
shouldn’t have probed your mind without your permission. I forgot that you
aren’t accustomed to our ways. I’m somewhat of a
calendae
—a soul-healer—and
one of the first things we are trained to do is probe the mind for the source
of mental turmoil. I didn’t think. I should have told you what I meant to do.”

Wishing she could just sink into the floor, Allison
mumbled, “Don’t I feel stupid, now. I should’ve known you wouldn’t have done something
like that without a good reason. It seems like lately all I’ve been doing is
apologizing, crying on your shoulder, and ruining your shirts!”

Aidric smiled at her and said, “That you have, mil—Allison. I think a
compromise is in order here. I’ll accept your apology if you will accept mine.”

“Deal,” Allison agreed as she tried to release herself from his
embrace, but once again he held fast to her.

“Not so fast, little cat,” he said with a grin as she looked up at him
with startled eyes. “You still haven’t told me why your anxiety affects you so
severely. I’ll release you when you answer.”

“I told you that I didn’t want to talk about it. Not now,” she said,
shifting uncomfortably.

Now that she was clearly thinking again, Allison felt the nearness and
warmth of his body all too well. She gazed up into his face, and blushed when she
suddenly felt a strong urge to kiss that sensuous mouth that was only mere
inches away from her own.

My God, what the hell am I even thinking?
she thought with
horror.
He’s only trying to comfort me. That’s
all
.

Abruptly, Allison began to wonder about the nervousness from the very
beginning that he seemed to cause her to feel just from simply looking at her.
Had it
really
been out of fear?
Am I—
falling
for him? But—but—I
can’t! He’s not—
human
—is he?
She felt the blood filling her cheeks
suddenly drain from her face as panic began setting in again.
I can’t let
him know! I can’t—

Instantly, she built a purely mental wall between her feelings and his.
She knew only too well that he was capable of knowing her every emotion as well
as her every thought.

It was no wonder she hadn’t recognized her feelings, a deeper
attraction, for what they were earlier. She had been too busy freaking out
about everything to figure out the turmoil of emotions that had swirled within
her.

Aidric seemed to sense her withdrawal from him because his eyes
suddenly narrowed and he held her more tightly. “You don’t have to be afraid to
tell me,” he said quietly. “I want to help you, Allison, but I can’t do that
unless you let me in, if even just a little. I suspect that it has something to
do with the reason why the thought of me probing your mind terrified you.”

Allison stilled. “I—only used to have attacks like this, bad ones I
mean, when I was a little girl,” she began softly, ignoring his last comment. “It
usually happened when I had to do oral reports in front of my class at school. Just
the thought of all those eyes on me was enough to reduce me to tears, but it
hasn’t happened to me in years.”

“Ah,” he said with sudden understanding. “That’s what happened to you
today. The presentation must have reawakened your fears, and your earlier
breakdown was just a belated response. You were no doubt thinking of all the
scrutiny you would be under tonight at the celebration when you had this
attack, weren’t you?”

“Yes,” she admitted in a small voice. “I just started thinking about
all those eyes boring into me and panicked.” She shuddered. “What am I going to
do? I know I can’t avoid everyone forever. Yet, I can’t bear the humiliation of
having an attack in public, either!”

“I can help you forget your phobia for a while,” Aidric said
thoughtfully, “but in order to block it, I must know the source of all your
fear. Surely you must have some idea of what it is that causes your fear of
scrutiny, and don’t tell me that you don’t know. Every phobia has an initial
cause. We are not born with them.”

“I d-don’t know what you m-mean,” Allison stammered.

“I think you do,” he replied patiently, “and if you want me to help
you, you must tell me.”

I can’t tell him about my stepdad
, she thought stubbornly.
I’d
rather suffer through these panic attacks than tell him about all the horrible
things he did to us!

“Your stepfather?” Aidric asked, his tone puzzled.

“You’re reading my mind again!” she accused him angrily, this time
succeeding in breaking free from his arms, pushing away and glaring at him with
blazing eyes. “You
promised
you wouldn’t!”

“I wasn’t!” he shot back at her just as angrily. “I don’t
know what you think I am, but a liar, I’m not! When I give my word, I keep it!”

Allison immediately clamped her mouth shut on her retort at the
vehemence in his words.
Crap! I accidentally sent my thoughts to him again
,
she realized with a sinking heart.
Now he’s really pissed at me!

As she saw the anger and hurt in his eyes, she clamped down on the sob
that wanted to burst forth and stumbled onto her feet, intent on the door, of
just getting away before she made things worse.

What he must think of me…
she thought despairingly as she
clenched her jaws more tightly together against the nearly overwhelming urge to
cry noisily.
Dammit, why do I always,
always
have to botch things up?

Just when she reached for the door handle and the
floodgates in her eyes shattered, Allison felt a hand grab her arm.

“Hey, enough of that,” Aidric said gruffly from behind. “Come
here.”

Before she could protest, he pulled her back into his arms
again, his other hand reaching up to stroke her hair soothingly as he pressed
her head against his chest. His gesture of unmistakable forgiveness suddenly
made her begin to cry even harder with guilt.

“I’m sorry,” Allison blurted out between sobs for what seemed like the
thousandth time that day. “God, I’m sorry! I was being such a
bitch
. I
had no right—you have every right to be pissed at me. I’m just an ungrateful,
self-centered, short-tempered, stupid—it’s just that I didn’t want you to know
about my stepdad, about me, how much he despised me, how he—”