The Key to the Golden Firebird

“
Ch
ome on,” Palmer said, her words dulled from numb-tongue syndrome caused by the Icee she was slurping. “You haff to admit it
wash
funny.”

May, who was sweating profusely and peering longingly through the bottom of the screened window at a swimming pool, turned and stared at her little sister.

“No, I don't,” she said.

“It wash…ambhishious.”

“Ambitious?” May repeated. “Looks like you got a new vocabulary word.”

“It
wash
.”

“They didn't play ‘Wind Beneath My Wings' for
you
,” May said. “Just be quiet for a minute, okay? I'm trying to listen.”

She turned back to the window.

“I shtill can't believf the Oriole pickhed you up,” Palmer went on, grinning at the thought. The Icee had turned her teeth a faint blue, which looked even creepier against her braces. It was as if the disguise was being dropped and thirteen-year-old Palmer was revealing herself to be a monster with blue metal teeth.

May wasn't smiling, because the memory wasn't funny to her. She was here for a reason. She was getting revenge—revenge that had been a long time coming. Peter Camp was going down.

Pete was the son of her father's best friend and had been eleven months old when May was born. There were pictures of him lurking above her as she was swaddled in baby blankets, unable to move. He looked surprisingly the same—brown curly hair, body covered in head-to-toe freckles, a slightly goofy, yet predatory expression as he reached for her stuffed duck.

Right from the beginning, May had been the unwilling straight man in Pete's ever-evolving comedy routine. There was the lick-and-replace sandwich gag from kindergarten. The yoyo spit trick at the bus stop in third grade. The terrifying “lawn sprinkler” (don't ask) from fifth grade. The dribble holes in her milk, the lab worms in her lunch, the bike-by Supersoaker attacks…There was nothing too low, too stupid, too disgusting for him to try. Then Pete had moved on to Grant High, and they'd been separated. The next year May had ended up going to a different high school—to Girls' Academy, in downtown Philadelphia. Aside from the occasional whoopie cushion at holiday gatherings, she believed the menace had ended.

Until last weekend, when the Golds and the Camps had taken their annual trip to Camden Yards.

The Camden Yards trip was one of the major events of the year. Even May, who didn't like baseball, was able to work up some enthusiasm for it—if only because her father and sisters were practically humming with excitement. Also, May's dad always saw to it that she was entertained in one way or another. He'd let her choose some of the music in the car. (Along with the obligatory Bruce Springsteen. Her dad had to blast “Out in the Street” and “Thunder Road” as he tore down I-95 in the Firebird.
Had to.
As if the earth would explode if he didn't—or
worse yet, it might rain and the game would be a washout.) He'd glance at her through the rearview mirror and make his “big tooth” face, pulling his lips back in a horselike grimace that always made her laugh. As a reward for sitting through the game, her dad would slip her some cash (he had developed a very slick move, which even Palmer couldn't detect) so that she could buy herself an extra snack from the concessions. So May had come to peace with the event.

On this last trip she had been biding her time during the seventh-inning stretch, staring absently into the depths of her cup of lemonade. The next thing she knew, a pair of huge and fuzzy black wings embraced her. Suddenly she was being lifted out of her seat by someone in a black bird costume and was on her way down to the field. Once there, she was immediately set upon by five members of the Baltimore Orioles, all of whom shook her hand. One gave her a signed ball. The crowd began to cheer her. Then, just when things couldn't get any weirder, she looked up and saw her own face—big as a building—stretched across the Jumbotron.

Underneath it was the caption
May Gold, formerly blind fan.

She didn't even have time to react before she was escorted back to her seat.

It had taken over an hour to get an explanation because that was how long it had taken for Peter Camp to stop laughing. He revealed at last that he had told one of the public relations staff that May had been born blind, had just been cured by surgery, and was fulfilling her lifelong dream of seeing a live baseball game. It was an incredibly weird story—so weird that they'd actually believed him.

The audacity of the stunt had kept Pete from getting into any trouble; in fact, the Gold-Camp contingent now ranked Pete among mankind's greatest thinkers. May's father had immediately claimed the baseball and held it carefully with both hands for the remainder of the game, as though it were his very own egg that he was protecting until it hatched.

The rest of the night was ruined for May. She flinched whenever anyone came too close—even the waiters at the restaurant they went to for dinner. Her psyche was shot. Pete had finally gone too far.

 

The Camden Yards stunt had brought May to the pool house at the local swim club that afternoon after school. She and Palmer admitted themselves using keys borrowed from their older sister, Brooks, who was a lifeguard there. This was the day before the Memorial Day opening of the pool, so it was filled and ready but deserted.

Their accomplice was Diana Haverty, a fellow lifeguard and one of Brooks's friends from softball, who was known to be the current object of Pete's desire. Diana had obligingly asked Pete to meet her there for a private swim. Diana was going to dare Pete to disrobe. He would be ambushed by May and Palmer. From there, it was a simple grab-the-clothes-and-run operation, taking as many pictures as possible with May's Polaroid camera in the process. It was a beautifully simple plan.

Except that Diana wasn't there yet. She was fifteen minutes late. This worried May a great deal—even more than the fact that it was over eighty degrees outside and it was even hotter inside the crowded office, which was also the storage area for
several vats of pool chemicals. They'd been waiting there for over an hour, crouched on the concrete floor. The hot chlorine vapors invaded all of May's pores. The smell burned her nose, stung her eyes, and infected her taste buds. She wondered if it was possible to die from inhaling chlorine fumes. It would be a stupid way to die.

Palmer drained her cup loudly and launched it across the room at the trash can. Just then May heard the front gate creaking open. There were footsteps in the breezeway. Someone was walking toward the pool. May silenced Palmer by raising her hand, but Palmer had heard it too and was frozen in place. May got a little lower and kept watching out the window.

“Please be Diana,” she mumbled under her breath. “Please.”

But it wasn't Diana. Pete emerged from the breezeway, looking somewhat baffled. He stopped and looked around, then started patrolling the far side of the pool in his slightly slouchy walk, his crown of finger-length curls bobbing with every step.

“We're dead,” May said. “Let's get out of here.”

“No, we're not,” Palmer replied as she crept across the floor and joined May under the window. “Quick! Take off your shirt.”

May's head whipped around in Palm's direction. Her green eyes, so similar to May's, were flashing maniacally. Her fingers were already clawing at one of May's short pink sleeves, trying to tug it down her arm.

“I am not taking off my shirt,” May whispered.

“Just the right side,” Palmer said. “That's all we'll need.”

“What are you talking about?”

“Just do it!”

It was moments like this that May felt that nature had been much too unfair. Palmer, like their older sister, Brooks, had gotten all the enviable physical traits the family gene pool had to offer—the golden blond locks, the endless legs, the slender, boyish hips. It didn't stop there. From their father, an excellent baseball player, Palmer and Brooks had gotten exceptional athletic ability. They were all muscle and blessed with grace and speed.

May had hair that wasn't quite blond and wasn't quite red (she called the shade “anemic strawberry”). From her father, she'd gotten the high arch of her brow that made her look like she always thinking,
Huh?
From some unknown, less-evolved relative, she'd gotten shorter legs, pale, sun-sensitive skin, and a lack of coordination. The consolation prize was that she was supposed to have gotten intelligence, but intelligence doesn't matter when your thirteen-year-old sister can just sit on top of you and take your shirt by force if she decides she needs it for something.

“It's not enough,” Palmer said, looking at the shoulder May had just freed from her shirt. “The strap is in the way. The bra has to go.”

“Oh my God.” May rolled her eyes. “I've wandered into a teen sex comedy.”

“Would you shut up and take off your bra?”

“Okay, now you just sound like a scary boyfriend,” May said, reaching under her T-shirt to unhook her bra. “Explain. Why am I doing this?”

“Bait.”

“Bait? My shoulder is bait?”

“Show more if you want,” Palmer said, flashing the blue
teeth again. She really did look like some kind of otherworldly predator when she did that—one that wanted May's bra for some insidious purpose and that now thought of May as “bait.”

May yanked off the bra and covered the rest of herself as best she could by clutching her shirt against her chest.

“Is that better?” she asked.

“That's good.” Palm nodded. “Now stick your arm out the window so it looks like you're naked. Then wave him into the water.”

“
That's
your idea? He'll never fall for that.”

“Don't doubt the power of a little suggested sex.”

May looked over in disbelief. “Who are you?” she said. “What have you done with Palm?”

“Either you get him to strip and wave him into the pool or we go out there, hold him down, and get the pants. What do you want to do?”

Faced with this dire choice, May sighed. She took a moment to try to invest as much come-hither mojo into her bare arm and shoulder as she could. She imagined Nicole Kidman—how would
she
beckon someone with her bare arm? Slowly, she thought, with a little wrist action. Gracefully. Slight rotation in the shoulder. That's what she would try.

She put out her limb and waved. Her move didn't seem very seductive. It was a bit more ground-crew-guiding-in-the-plane in flavor.

“Diana?” Pete called to the arm.

May looked down at Palmer in panic. Palmer had to shove her fist into her mouth.

“What do I do?” May whispered.

Palmer replied by taking May's bra from the ground and shoving it into her sister's hand.

“Wave it,” she said. “Like a flag.”

May flapped the bra around. Pete stared at it but did nothing.

“Come on, Camper!” Palmer suddenly shouted in a remarkably good imitation of Diana's high, twangy voice. “Get in the pool!”

“Get in?” he called back.

“Wave the bra again!” Palmer hissed. May shook it around once more. It got stuck in a nearby bush and she had to pull it free.

“See? I'm getting undressed,” Palmer yelled, her face turning red from the effort of holding in her laughter. “Come on! Take it off!”

Palmer pulled May down next to her. They waited, just under the window, unable to breathe. May expected Pete to come to the window at any minute. Something awful was definitely about to happen. This was going to end badly.

A very long minute passed.

Splash.

Palmer and May peeked out of the bottom of the window. Pete was in the pool, and his clothes were on a chair.

“I don't believe it,” May whispered.

“See?” Palmer said. “Showtime! Come on!”

May pushed her arm back into her shirt, shoved the bra into the pocket of her long khaki shorts, and fumbled for her bag. Palmer was already slipping out the door. May followed her into the breezeway and concealed herself behind the soda machine.

Palm crept to the edge of the breezeway and crouched down to evaluate the situation. She nodded her readiness to May, and May nervously nodded back. Even though Palmer seemed as ready to go as a trained commando, May was not. But she was here, and it was happening.

Palmer counted down from three on her fingers and bolted for the pool. May heard Pete yelling, and Palm barreled back, grinning crazily, with a pile of clothes in her arms.

“Now!” she yelled as she passed.

May readied herself and raised her camera to her eye. Pete was about to come charging right at her, in his
natural state
. Yes, May knew what to expect. Yes, she knew what to look for and where to look for it. Still, she decided to just shoot straight ahead and not focus too much on what she was actually seeing.

And around the corner he came. All of him. May started snapping away.

On seeing May and the camera, Pete had the good sense to immediately turn and run back around the corner to the pool. Faced with the choice of running after him (and possibly being overtaken by a wet, naked nemesis) or running to the car and getting away, May opted for the latter. She turned and ran toward the lot. Brooks had already pulled up in the minivan, and Palm had the door open. May scrambled in, her hands full of still-gray Polaroids. Brooks peeled out of the lot and down the street.

 

The three Gold sisters were convulsing from laughter in the minivan as they drove away. The images on the Polaroids were blossoming. Many were blurry, a few were interesting studies
of the ceiling or the wall, but there were a few promising ones in the bunch. These were examined closely and critically by Palm.

“She-male,” she said, holding up a streaky image.

“Cut the guy some slack,” May said graciously. “He was just in a very cold pool.”