The Keeper's Flame (A Pandoran Novel, #2) (33 page)

“I know,” I said through clenched teeth. “I told you, it’s sprained—ow!” I jerked and the blanket slid off my leg, leaving it mostly bare.

Alex didn’t notice, though. He wrapped his hands around my ankle with gentle strength—my foot looked so small in his hands—and he closed his eyes. Power burst from his palms; it burned through my skin and into my ankle and, very slowly, the pain faded and was gone. Like it had never existed.

“How…?” I started.

“I have a healer for a mother, remember?” Alex grinned, but he wasn’t looking at me. His eyes lingered on my leg as if noticing it for the first time. His focus moved, then, trailing up my leg, farther and farther until it stopped at my waist, which was, thankfully, still covered with blanket.

My face burned. I didn’t care that he’d already seen me half-naked. I hadn’t been conscious at the time.

His cleared his throat as he dropped his hands, his eyes flashing to me before he turned completely around. “You should get dressed.” His voice sounded husky. He grabbed my clothes from the stool and without looking at me, set them at my feet and walked to the other side of the room.

Well, this was mortifying.

He kept his back to me while I slipped back into my leathers. They were a little difficult to put on, though, because my hands kept shaking, and when I shoved my leg into my pant leg, I did it a little too quickly and my foot caught, propelling me forward. I would’ve fallen if I hadn’t caught the stool to steady myself. I noticed that Alex tilted his head at the sound, but he didn’t say anything. And he certainly didn’t turn around.

After what took much longer than necessary, I had my leathers in place and my boots tugged over my pants—they felt toasty and warm. I couldn’t sit back down, though. I felt restless and I had the sudden urge to run, but I didn’t know just how that would work inside the ten-foot diameter of a tree, and I doubted Alex would let me leave it.

Alex had moved to Vera’s side and placed a hand on her forehead. I watched as he adjusted a blanket beneath her head and brushed the hair back from her face. There was so much tenderness in the gesture.

He looked so concerned for her, and I realized something, standing there watching them. She was everything he was—strong and courageous, fearless and skilled. Stunning. She was exactly my opposite, and even though I didn’t want it to, jealousy wrapped around my heart and pulled it down into my stomach.

“Is she going to be okay?” I whispered.

Alex raked a hand through his dark hair. “I’ve done all I can, but she’ll need to be taken to the healers after this.” He glanced over his shoulder at me. “She survived because of you.”

“No,” I said, “she survived because of you. We both survived because of you.”

You always survive because of him.

Alex studied Vera, his expression distant.

I had to know. “You like her,” I murmured.

He didn’t answer at first. “Yes.”

Of course he did. Why did I even bother asking?

My leathers suddenly felt too tight. Had they always been this tight? I couldn’t remember, but I suddenly couldn’t seem to get enough air into my lungs.

“But it’s not like that,” he continued.

It wasn’t? Then what was it like? Or maybe I didn’t want to know.

But before I could stop him, he explained himself further. “There are many things about her I respect and admire, and she’s been a good friend to me—someone I’d trust with my life. But there’s…nothing more than that.” He looked back at me, then. His eyes searched mine, struggling against something I could not see. What was it that I couldn’t see?

“She likes you,” I said.

Be quiet already! Are you trying to get them together?

I felt a surge of something from him, but I couldn’t tell what.

He stood and grabbed another log for the fire, and then moved to stand beside me. He didn’t stand too close, but I felt every inch of space between us as though it were a part of him, pressing against me.

I wanted to close the space between us. Why did he still affect me like this? Why couldn’t I just move on and pretend he was my friend—my friend who had taken a sudden interest in dressing up as killers for a living?

But I already knew the answer. It was because he had kissed me, and for as long as I lived, I would never be able to get over how it had felt. How
he
had felt.

I set all of my attention on the fire before us. I needed to think about something else. Anything else, and I knew from experience that adversity was always a faithful deterrent. So, I thought over yesterday’s events, trudging circles through the snow, finding Danton and Vera, how Vera hadn’t believed me when I’d said I didn’t have magic…

Magic. Maybe Alex would know the truth. “The Pykan told me something,” I said.

He waited.

“That…my magic has been blocked.”

Alex loosely folded his arms.

“Is it true?” I stole a glance at him.

His features were sharp, watching the fire without really seeing it. As much as I tried, I could never get used to looking at him. The beautiful structure of his face or the perfect set of his lips.

“Most likely,” he said at last. “I wondered how you could show such strong aptitude for magic only to have it disappear. That would make sense.”

The Pykan hadn’t been lying. “Is there any way to get rid of it?” I asked.

“Only the person that made the block can break it—unless you use dark magic, like the Pykans.”

“They said the king made it.”

Alex glanced sideways at me.

“They said I was a threat to him, but I have a hard time believing that.”

Air escaped his lips as he opened his mouth to say something, but instead he turned to face me. He stood so close; all I could see were his deep green eyes. I was lost in them without any sense of time or direction.

“Daria, I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you the truth.” His words were quiet despite the intensity of his gaze. “I wanted to, but I couldn’t risk it.”

Those words. I’d heard them before. He’d
said
them before, months ago. And hearing them again, standing here looking at him—looking into the beautiful eyes of my best friend, with whom I was still hopelessly in love—his words infuriated me.

He wasn’t my
best
friend. Friends confided in you, supported and encouraged you. Friends made you feel as though you could do anything, even when the world stands against you. And Alex…he’d left me here, all alone, right when I’d needed him most. Right when I’d needed him more than I’d needed anyone, and all I’d gotten was a letter. If anything, the only real
friend
I had in this world, aside from my dad and Stefan, was Thad.

But for Alex, it was always about risk. Risks he wasn’t willing to take. No,
I
wasn’t a risk he was willing to take.

“You’re angry,” he said when I hadn’t spoken.

I wanted to say something. I wanted to say something so badly, but my words failed. All I could do was feel, and those feelings churned inside of me. Months of anger, hurt, dejection, and abandonment.

“Please, say something.” His tone was fervid as he grabbed my hand.

I jerked my hand back. “Why? What does it matter to you, anyway?”

He was taken aback. His forehead creased as he leaned forward. “What do you mean, why does it matter to me? I care about you and—”

“You don’t care.” I cut him off, matching his tone and leaning closer. “You lie to me my entire life—my supposed
best
friend—disappear, show up three years later, and then disappear
again
…this time, with a note
saying
you care but you’re leaving and I’ll never see you again, as if that somehow lessens the blow. Caring is an
action
, Alex. If your idea of caring is protecting me from a distance, you can take it back to Alioth and stay there. I don’t want it. Be in my life, or stay out of it. You can’t have both.”

The words came out before I could stop them, and his face hardened on impact. The slip of space between us vibrated with electricity, and I suddenly wanted to retract my words. They were how I’d been feeling, but I hadn’t exactly planned on telling him. Not now, anyway. Not right after he’d just saved my life.

I expected him to walk away from me, but he didn’t. Instead, he leaned so close I could feel his warm breath on my face. “You think this has been easy for me?” His tone was low and fierce.

I set my jaw, holding his gaze. “By now it should be.”

He stared at me hard. “Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you, Daria. Leaving you that night was the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but if I had stayed, it would’ve been more dangerous for you, and I couldn’t—”

“Stop making my decisions for me, Alex!” I cut him off. “I don’t care about how dangerous it would have been. You left without giving me a choice.”

“I couldn’t let you choose something that would put you in more danger,” he said through his teeth.

I held his gaze as my body shook. “You shouldn’t have kissed me, then.”

He was quiet a long moment, clenching and unclenching his jaw, his eyes burning into mine. “You’re right,” he said at last.

My lips parted to reply, but then his words finally registered. My vitals suddenly seemed to stop working—my lungs, my heart, my brain. He had agreed with me. He wasn’t supposed to agree with me. He must really not have cared…

I blinked as air slipped past my lips, and then I looked away and walked past him.

I didn’t look back to see if he was going to stop me. I didn’t care. I didn’t know where I was going either, but I couldn’t stay here. Not with him. Not knowing he regretted the one moment in my life I’d cherished above all else.

Water filled my eyes, stinging like the deep burn inside of me. I’d reached the door to the outside when Alex’s strong grip wrapped around the small space above my elbow.

He pulled me back to him, and the look in his eyes arrested my fight. “You’re right,” he continued in a tone that wrapped around me like silk. “I should have given you the choice.”

He slipped his hand around the back of my neck, pulled me close, and kissed me.  Long and hard and deep, stealing my breath, my will. I melted into him as I sank into his strength, soaking up his warmth, forgetting myself—forgetting everything except the feel of his lips against mine, the smell of pine and winter on his skin. He pulled back slightly, leaving me breathless. His face was a handbreadth from mine as we shared the same hot air. “Here’s your choice,” he whispered on my lips. “I hope I’m not too late.”

It took me a moment to realize that he’d said something, but then I couldn’t remember what he was referring to. All I could think about was the taste of him and how soft and velvety his lips had felt, and the way his lips were currently brushing against mine was driving me crazy.

My body responded for me. I pressed myself into him and kissed him back. I kissed him for every moment I’d wanted to, for every moment I’d missed him. His hand slid from the back of my neck, down my back, pulling me against him, kissing me urgently as though his life depended on it. He kissed away the heartache, the months of doubt and pain, and I matched his intensity as my tongue pushed against his, our hands restless and needy.

A sharp point of anger burned hot behind me, and Alex’s hands froze.

Vera stood, arms folded over her chest, looking like she might set us both on fire, and then she turned and stormed out of the tree.

Alex said something beneath his breath, unwound himself from me and ran after her.

I gasped for air, trying to recover. My heart pounded in my chest, and my lips felt swollen and raw. The taste of him still lingered on my tongue, and I wanted him to come back. I wanted him to come back and kiss me like that again.

I heard Alex’s and Vera’s voices—angry voices—and they weren’t too far from the tree. Vera’s fury burned even from where she stood, and her voice crackled the air.

I wanted to know what they were saying almost as badly as I didn’t.

After what seemed like forever, Vera reentered the tree. The air around her seemed to blur with hot steam. She crossed the room without so much as a glance in my general direction and, with one swift kick, she took out the fire.

“Get your pack,” she spat and left before I could say a word.

Okay.

I grabbed my pack, searched for my gloves, but after a few moments of searching, I shoved my bare hands in my cloak and stepped out of the tree. The shadows had turned grey as the day began to rise. Morning.

Alex stood near the entrance. His features were hard and his eyes narrowed as he stared absently at the trees. Vera stood a few yards away, her back to us like she was pretending we didn’t exist.

Without another word, Vera started walking away. Alex jerked his sword from the snow and nodded at me with heavy eyes. “Go ahead.” His voice was low and even. “I’ll keep to the rear.”

I searched his face, waiting for something more, but he only pulled his sword from its sheath and stabbed the tip of it in the snow.

What had just happened?

I suddenly wasn’t so happy about him kissing me anymore.

Hours had passed—it had to be mid-morning by now—and still, Alex remained silent and Vera all but melted the snow she walked upon. At one point, I’d even tried walking up to her to ask her how she was feeling. I might as well have asked one of the trees. I probably would’ve gotten more of a reaction.

She hacked at everything in her path, which, considering our environment, left the air and snow as her only victims.

It was obvious she was angry about Alex and me kissing, and I couldn’t blame her. If I had woken up to the same sight, I couldn’t say that I would’ve behaved half as well. Knowing me, I probably would’ve flung a string of insults that I’d have to apologize for later.

No, I understood
her
anger. But Alex’s? He moved so quietly behind me, at times I’d forgotten he was there, and every time I looked, he wouldn’t meet my gaze. His eyes were fixed somewhere else—the trees, the sky—anywhere but my eyes.

It might have helped if I could have some indication of how he felt, but his emotions remained cold and empty as though they didn’t exist.