The Jeeves Omnibus - Vol 2: (Jeeves & Wooster): No. 2 (18 page)

‘It absolutely beats me why you don’t believe it,’ I said. ‘You know we’ve been pals for years. You must be aware that, except at the moment when you caused me to do a nose dive into the Drones’s swimming bath, an incident which I long since decided to put out of my mind and let the dead past bury its dead about, if you follow what I mean – except on that one occasion, as I say, I have always regarded you with the utmost esteem. Why, then, if not for the motives I have outlined, should I knock you to Angela? Answer me that. Be very careful.’

‘What do you mean, be very careful?’

Well, as a matter of fact, I didn’t quite know myself. It was what the magistrate had said to me on the occasion when I stood in the dock as Eustace Plimsoll, of The Laburnums: and as it had impressed me a good deal at the time, I just bunged it in now by way of giving the conversation a tone.

‘All right. Never mind about being careful, then. Just answer me that question. Why, if I had not your interests sincerely at heart, should I have ticked you off, as stated?’

A sharp spasm shook him from base to apex. The beetle, which, during the recent exchanges, had been clinging to his head, hoping for the best, gave it up at this and resigned office. It shot off and was swallowed in the night.

‘Ah!’ I said. ‘Your beetle,’ I explained. ‘No doubt you were unaware of it, but all this while there has been a beetle of
sorts
parked on the side of your head. You have now dislodged it.’

He snorted.

‘Beetles!’

‘Not beetles. One beetle only.’

‘I like your crust!’ cried Tuppy, vibrating like one of Gussie’s newts during the courting season. ‘Talking of beetles, when all the time you know you’re a treacherous, sneaking hound.’

It was a debatable point, of course, why treacherous, sneaking hounds should be considered ineligible to talk about beetles, and I dare say a good cross-examining counsel would have made quite a lot of it.

But I let it go.

‘That’s the second time you’ve called me that. And,’ I said firmly, ‘I insist on an explanation. I have told you that I acted throughout from the best and kindliest motives in roasting you to Angela. It cut me to the quick to have to speak like that, and only the recollection of our lifelong friendship would have made me do it. And now you say you don’t believe me and call me names for which I am not sure I couldn’t have you up before a beak and jury and mulct you in very substantial damages. I should have to consult my solicitor, of course, but it would surprise me very much if an action did not lie. Be reasonable, Tuppy. Suggest another motive I could have had. Just one.’

‘I will. Do you think I don’t know? You’re in love with Angela yourself.’

‘What?’

‘And you knocked me in order to poison her mind against me and finally remove me from your path.’

I had never heard anything so absolutely loopy in my life. Why, dash it, I’ve known Angela since she was so high. You don’t fall in love with close relations you’ve known since they were so high. Besides, isn’t there something in the book of rules about a man may not marry his cousin? Or am I thinking of grandmothers?

‘Tuppy, my dear old ass,’ I cried, ‘this is pure banana oil! You’ve come unscrewed.’

‘Oh, yes?’

‘Me in love with Angela? Ha-ha!’

‘You can’t get out of it with ha-has. She called you “darling”.’

‘I know. And I disapproved. This habit of the younger g. of scattering “darlings” about like birdseed is one that I deprecate. Lax, is how I should describe it.’

‘You tickled her ankles.’

‘In a purely cousinly spirit. It didn’t mean a thing. Why, dash it, you must know that in the deeper and truer sense I wouldn’t touch Angela with a barge pole.’

‘Oh? And why not? Not good enough for you?’

‘You misunderstand me,’ I hastened to reply. ‘When I say I wouldn’t touch Angela with a barge pole, I intend merely to convey that my feelings towards her are those of distant, though cordial, esteem. In other words, you may rest assured that between this young prune and myself there never has been and never could be any sentiment warmer and stronger than that of ordinary friendship.’

‘I believe it was you who tipped her off that I was in the larder last night, so that she could find me there with that pie, thus damaging my prestige.’

‘My dear Tuppy! A Wooster?’ I was shocked. ‘You think a Wooster would do that?’

He breathed heavily.

‘Listen,’ he said. ‘It’s no good your standing there arguing. You can’t get away from the facts. Somebody stole her from me at Cannes. You told me yourself that she was with you all the time at Cannes and hardly saw anybody else. You gloated over the mixed bathing, and those moonlight walks you had together –’

‘Not gloated. Just mentioned them.’

‘So now you understand why, as soon as I can get you clear of this damned bench, I am going to tear you limb from limb. Why they have these bally benches in gardens,’ said Tuppy discontentedly, ‘is more than I can see. They only get in the way.’

He ceased, and, grabbing out, missed me by a hair’s breadth.

It was a moment for swift thinking, and it is at such moments, as I have already indicated, that Bertram Wooster is at his best. I suddenly remembered the recent misunderstanding with the Bassett, and with a flash of clear vision saw that this was where it was going to come in handy.

‘You’ve got it all wrong, Tuppy,’ I said, moving to the left. ‘True, I saw a lot of Angela, but my dealings with her were on a basis from start to finish of the purest and most wholesome camaraderie. I can prove it. During that sojourn in Cannes my affections were engaged elsewhere.’

‘What?’

‘Engaged elsewhere. My affections. During that sojourn.’

I had struck the right note. He stopped sidling. His clutching hand fell to his side.

‘Is that true?’

‘Quite official.’

‘Who was she?’

‘My dear Tuppy, does one bandy a woman’s name?’

‘One does if one doesn’t want one’s ruddy head pulled off.’

I saw that it was a special case.

‘Madeline Bassett,’ I said.

‘Who?’

‘Madeline Bassett.’

He seemed stunned.

‘You stand there and tell me you were in love with that Bassett disaster?’

‘I wouldn’t call her “that Bassett disaster”, Tuppy. Not respectful.’

‘Dash being respectful. I want the facts. You deliberately assert that you loved that weird Gawd-help-us?’

‘I don’t see why you should call her a weird Gawd-help-us, either. A very charming and beautiful girl. Odd in some of her views perhaps – one does not quite see eye to eye with her in the matter of stars and rabbits – but not a weird Gawd-help-us.’

‘Anyway, you stick to it that you were in love with her?’

‘I do.’

‘It sounds thin to me, Wooster, very thin.’

I saw that it would be necessary to apply the finishing touch.

‘I must ask you to treat this as entirely confidential, Glossop, but I may as well inform you that it is not twenty-four hours since she turned me down.’

‘Turned you down?’

‘Like a bedspread. In this very garden.’

‘Twenty-four hours?’

‘Call it twenty-five. So you will readily see that I can’t be the chap, if any, who stole Angela from you at Cannes.’

And I was on the brink of adding that I wouldn’t touch Angela with a barge pole, when I remembered I had said it already and it hadn’t gone frightfully well. I desisted, therefore.

My manly frankness seemed to be producing good results. The homicidal glare was dying out of Tuppy’s eyes. He had the aspect of a hired assassin who had paused to think things over.

‘I see,’ he said, at length. ‘All right, then. Sorry you were troubled.’

‘Don’t mention it, old man,’ I responded courteously.

For the first time since the bushes had begun to pour forth
Glossops,
Bertram Wooster could be said to have breathed freely. I don’t say I actually came out from behind the bench, but I did let go of it, and with something of the relief which those three chaps in the Old Testament must have experienced after sliding out of the burning fiery furnace, I even groped tentatively for my cigarette case.

The next moment a sudden snort made me take my fingers off it as if it had bitten me. I was distressed to note in the old friend a return of the recent frenzy.

‘What the hell did you mean by telling her that I used to be covered with ink when I was a kid?’

‘My dear Tuppy –’

‘I was almost finickingly careful about my personal cleanliness as a boy. You could have eaten your dinner off me.’

‘Quite. But –’

‘And all that stuff about having no soul. I’m crawling with soul. And being looked on as an outsider at the Drones –’

‘But, my dear old chap, I explained that. It was all part of my ruse or scheme.’

‘It was, was it? Well, in future do me a favour and leave me out of your foul ruses.’

‘Just as you say, old boy.’

‘All right, then. That’s understood.’

He relapsed into silence, standing with folded arms, staring before him rather like a strong, silent man in a novel when he’s just been given the bird by the girl and is thinking of looking in at the Rocky Mountains and bumping off a few bears. His manifest pippedness excited my compash, and I ventured a kindly word.

‘I don’t suppose you know what
au pied de la lettre
means, Tuppy, but that’s how I don’t think you ought to take all that stuff Angela was saying just now too much.’

He seemed interested.

‘What the devil,’ he asked, ‘are you talking about?’

I saw that I should have to make myself clearer.

‘Don’t take all that guff of hers too literally, old man. You know what girls are like.’

‘I do,’ he said, with another snort that came straight up from his insteps. ‘And I wish I’d never met one.’

‘I mean to say, it’s obvious that she must have spotted you in those bushes and was simply talking to score off you. There you were, I mean, if you follow the psychology, and she saw you, and in that
impulsive
way girls have, she seized the opportunity of ribbing you a bit – just told you a few home truths, I mean to say.’

‘Home truths?’

‘That’s right.’

He snorted once more, causing me to feel rather like royalty receiving a twenty-one gun salute from the fleet. I can’t remember ever having met a better right-and-left-hand snorter.

‘What do you mean, “home truths”? I’m not fat.’

‘No, no.’

‘And what’s wrong with the colour of my hair?’

‘Quite in order, Tuppy, old man. The hair, I mean.’

‘And I’m not a bit thin on the top … What the dickens are you grinning about?’

‘Not grinning. Just smiling slightly. I was conjuring up a sort of vision, if you know what I mean, of you as seen through Angela’s eyes. Fat in the middle and thin on the top. Rather funny.’

‘You think it funny, do you?’

‘Not a bit.’

‘You’d better not.’

‘Quite.’

It seemed to me that the conversation was becoming difficult again. I wished it could be terminated. And so it was. For at this moment something came shimmering through the laurels in the quiet evenfall, and I perceived that it was Angela.

She was looking sweet and saintlike, and she had a plate of sandwiches in her hand. Ham, I was to discover later.

‘If you see Mr Glossop anywhere, Bertie,’ she said, her eyes resting dreamily on Tuppy’s façade, ‘I wish you would give him these. I’m so afraid he may be hungry, poor fellow. It’s nearly ten o’clock, and he hasn’t eaten a morsel since dinner. I’ll just leave them on this bench.’

She pushed off, and it seemed to me that I might as well go with her. Nothing to keep me here, I mean. We moved towards the house, and presently from behind us there sounded in the night the splintering crash of a well-kicked plate of ham sandwiches, accompanied by the muffled oaths of a strong man in his wrath.

‘How still and peaceful everything is,’ said Angela.

SUNSHINE WAS GILDING
the grounds of Brinkley Court and the ear detected a marked twittering of birds in the ivy outside the window when I woke next morning to a new day. But there was no corresponding sunshine in Bertram Wooster’s soul and no answering twitter in his heart as he sat up in bed, sipping his cup of strengthening tea. It could not be denied that to Bertram, reviewing the happenings of the previous night, the Tuppy-Angela situation seemed more or less to have slipped a cog. With every desire to look for the silver lining, I could not but feel that the rift between these two haughty spirits had now reached such impressive proportions that the task of bridging same would be beyond even my powers.

I am a shrewd observer, and there had been something in Tuppy’s manner as he booted that plate of ham sandwiches that seemed to tell me that he would not lightly forgive.

In these circs, I deemed it best to shelve their problem for the nonce and turn the mind to the matter of Gussie, which presented a brighter picture.

With regard to Gussie, everything was in train. Jeeves’s morbid scruples about lacing the chap’s orange juice had put me to a good deal of trouble, but I had surmounted every obstacle in the old Wooster way. I had secured an abundance of the necessary spirit, and it was now lying in its flask in the drawer of the dressing table. I had also ascertained that the jug, duly filled, would be standing on a shelf in the butler’s pantry round about the hour of one. To remove it from that shelf, sneak it up to my room, and return it, laced, in good time for the midday meal would be a task calling, no doubt, for address, but in no sense an exacting one.

It was with something of the emotions of one preparing a treat for a deserving child that I finished my tea and rolled over for that extra spot of sleep which just makes all the difference when there is man’s work to be done and the brain must be kept clear for it.

And when I came downstairs an hour or so later, I knew how right
I
had been to formulate this scheme for Gussie’s bucking up. I ran into him on the lawn, and I could see at a glance that if ever there was a man who needed a snappy stimulant, it was he. All nature, as I have indicated, was smiling, but not Augustus Fink-Nottle. He was walking round in circles, muttering something about not proposing to detain us long, but on this auspicious occasion feeling compelled to say a few words.