The Jalna Saga – Deluxe Edition: All Sixteen Books of the Enduring Classic Series & The Biography of Mazo de la Roche (370 page)

With one hand Renny patted the neck of the roan to reassure her and with the other rubbed his eye, in which a midge was lodged. But he could not get it out and he rode on somewhat subdued and with a sinister gleam in the one open eye. He rode to the house of a farmer who had bought a Clydesdale at the sale and now complained that it had something wrong with it. He had intended to be haughty with the man but he changed his mind and was conciliatory. Certainly if there was a poor horse in the sale this fellow had got it.

Standing outside the barn near an old woman who was plucking the down from the breast of a live goose, the farmer extracted the midge from Renny’s eye with the corner of a handkerchief. So they began their interview in a spirit of kindness. And, as they talked in the stall beside the horse, and Renny looked at the farmer out of his reddened weeping eye—the other eye watering in unison—the man thought that Mr. Whiteoak had a real good face—in spite of things he had heard about him—a sad sort of face, not the face of a man who would cheat you. So they talked beside the great-hooved Clydesdale and what the farmer thought was proved to him to be quite wrong, and they parted in great amiability.

Renny turned into the road by the lake and had a cold lunch with a friend named Vale, a widower. He spent the afternoon with him and before he left they had a swim in the lake together.

As he turned his horse’s head homeward he thought again of his family. He wished Alayne might have come with him. She would have enjoyed the ride, and it seemed a pity
that the care of the child so often kept her at home. He thought she was needlessly fussy about it, seeming unwilling to leave it to the care of Pheasant or Alma Patch. Yet he did not believe she was as fond of little Adeline as he was. What queer looks she gave him sometimes! He did not understand them, and to make the effort was beyond him. He doubted whether he could hold the complete love and confidence of any woman because of his invincible disinclination to put himself in their place. He felt that if he were to hold a woman to him in any nearness to tranquillity, it would be necessary for him to subdue his inner self without ceasing and to put a continued watch on all he said and did. Yet he could love without asking for complete understanding. It seemed easy for him to arouse love in the other sex, easy to arouse antagonism. These two elements, like a badly matched team, were set to draw the burden of his passions.

His friendship with Clara Lebraux was comforting. There was no strain in it, no puzzlement, no hurt. They reached out to each other as naturally as the boughs of trees intermingle. And if, occasionally, his blood moved a little quicker because of her nearness to him, it was soon over and she knew nothing of it and it did no one any harm. He turned his horse into the side road that led to the fox farm, thinking that he would like to see her and Pauline before he went home, for he liked to know how things were faring with them and he received a certain peace from the hours spent in their house.

The shabby wooden house lay in cool shade as he went in at the gate. He loosened the roan’s bridle and left her to graze on the uncared-for grass plot. She raised her voice in a pleased whinny and, from the stable which he rented from Clara Lebraux, came an answering call, because in it were kept two horses that knew her well. Snatching a mouthful of
grass, the roan hastened toward the stable making deep noises of pleasure in her powerful throat.

Renny went to the front door and tapped on it with his riding-crop. In a few minutes it was opened by Pauline.

S
HE HAD BEEN
at work among the foxes all afternoon, had come in tired out because of the sultriness of the air, and taken a bath in a small tin tub in her bedroom. She had just slipped on a fresh organdie dress with pink flower-sprays scattered over it when she heard the neigh of the roan. She peeped out of the window and saw Renny coming toward the house. For an instant her breath was taken from her and she pressed her hands against her lips with a feeling of terror. Clara had gone into town to do some shopping and Pauline was alone in the house.

First she thought she would not answer the door. She would not risk being alone in the house with him because all of a sudden she doubted if she would be able to hide her love from him. But would he go away if she did not answer the door? He might quite possibly come into the house and wait in the living room for their return.

His knock sounded abruptly on the door.

She started and a nervous shudder ran through her. “Oh, why am I afraid?” she gasped, and saw her reflection in the glass, pale as though stricken. He was just below, at the very
door, and she was alone in the house, and she was shaken by love for him.

Then suddenly her heart leaped toward him. There was this chance to have him to herself. This hour to look back on forever. She was not afraid. She would answer the door and they would sit talking together quite alone and she would be given the power to hide what was in her heart.

She fastened the neck of her dress, clasped on a string of coral beads given to her by her father, swept the brush hastily across her hair, and went down the stairs.

“Hello, Paula!” he exclaimed. This was his pet name for her. “How nice and cool you look! It’s getting awfully sultry. I believe we’re going to have a storm.”

As he talked they were going into the living room. He dropped into his accustomed chair and fixed his eyes on her admiringly. She had seated herself on an ottoman.

“We’re growing up,” he said. “Let’s see—how old are you?”

“Eighteen,” she answered softly, and added—“Some girls are married at that age.”

“Pheasant was only seventeen! But you’re not that kind. You’ll develop much more slowly. You’ll be like a young girl at twenty-eight. The chap who gets you will be lucky.”

She looked gravely at him. “Do you think so? I am not so sure.”

“That’s just what I would expect you to say, Paula… But you must have a good opinion of yourself. I don’t believe you know how pretty you are and a great deal more than pretty… Wake thinks so,” he added, with a smile.

She did not smile in return, but said, glancing out of the window—“I hope Mummy will not be caught in a storm. She’s in town today. She will be coming on the next bus.”

“It would be hot in town today. I had business in Mistwell. I had lunch with a friend and we went for a swim in the lake.”

“That must have been lovely. I have been working with the foxes.”

“All of them well?”

“Oh yes, quite well.”

“Good. You have a nice lot this year.”

A silence came between them. She had a feeling of languor, of disappointment. She had thought that she knew him so well but suddenly she found that she knew nothing of him. All the things she had ever heard of him seemed nothing to go on. She glanced at him furtively, as he sat sunk in his chair, master of himself, sensuous, at ease. He had closed his eyes and was listening to the swish of a newly risen wind and a distant tremor of thunder.

The distant thunder seemed to make their isolation complete. She looked at him out of troubled eyes, and shivered. Though the sun was shining brightly there was a menace in the air. The shadow of a branch was thrown against the wall, every leaf minutely cut, as in a silhouette.

The thunder drew nearer and the sky took on a yellowish tone. She drew a quick deep breath. He opened his eyes and looked at her.

“Are you afraid?” he asked.

“A little,” she said, almost in a whisper.

“But this is new, isn’t it? You used not to be afraid of a storm.”

“It isn’t just the storm”—she spoke with difficulty. “I’m just afraid.”

“Are you worried about your mother?”

“No. She will go in some place. She is not at all nervous.”

He looked at her, a little puzzled. Yet a subtle understanding was coming to him. He could not believe it—it was impossible—yet he had a feeling of apprehension.

Presently a deep peal of thunder broke on their ears. A flash of lightning fell from the yellowish sky.

“Will your horse be all right?” she asked.

He jumped up. “By George! It’s a good thing you reminded me. I had better go and put her in.”

A second, louder clap followed, and a more vivid flash of lightning. A loud murmur, as of distant rain, came to them and the grass and shrubs began to wave and bend. A few wild drops splashed against the sill.

“Oh, put the window down!” she cried. “I’m afraid!”

He put the window down and went to the door. Then suddenly he turned back and touched her on the shoulder.

“I’ll look after the horse,” he said. “I’ll be right back.”

“Don’t leave me!” she cried loudly. “I’m afraid—I’m afraid”—and she flung herself into his arms.

“Why—why—poor little Paula.” He held her to him, his arms protective and strong about her. He laid his face against her hair.

She clung to him, shaken by sobs.

“Paula—darling little one—tell me what is wrong!”

“Oh, I love you—I love you—I can’t help it—but I love you so terribly!”

The thunder now came roll upon roll. The rain dashed fiercely against the pane, making a wall around them. The outside world was lost beyond the blurred, streaming pane. There was a roar like the sea and the house shook on its foundation.

He looked at the lightning trembling along the sill, then down at the girl trembling in his arms. He was aghast. He did
not know what to do. A great tenderness for her welled up in his heart, but no passion.

“Darling little Paula—you’re unnerved because of the storm. You don’t really love me.”

She raised her face, her eyes tormented, and said something to him. But he could not make out a word of what she said because of the roaring of the wind. He bent his face close to hers and looked into her eyes.

She took her hands from her breast where they’d been clasped tightly together and put her arms about his neck. Still he could not hear what she said but he could see her lips frame the words—“Kiss me.”

Her face was blurred before him by the quick moving of the blood through his veins. They were alone—shut in together there—she loved him and wanted him to make love to her. A kiss of passion formed itself on his lips. His hands tightened on her.

She held up her mouth to him like a quivering, storm-beaten flower.

“My God, Paula! You don’t know what you are doing!”

He drew himself away from her. He drew to the other side of the room and stood trembling almost as much as she.

She threw herself into the chair where he had been sitting. It was still warm from his body and she huddled her own body into its curve and crouched there, sobbing. Outside the brief storm was lessening. Loud peals of thunder reverberated down the lake but the lightning had ceased and the rain had subsided to a gentle shower.

He threw open the window and an immense, comforting coolness came in at it. He stood there, afraid to look over his shoulder at her. The sound of her sobs cut him to the heart.
Little Pauline, to love him like that… His own eyes filled with tears.

She lay exhausted in the chair but her sobs ceased… After a little she said, in a broken voice:

“I am very wicked, I know… But I can’t help myself… It’s horrible for a young girl to love a married man… But— oh, Renny, you have never seemed like a married man!”

He came then, and stood in front of her. He looked down at her with updrawn, troubled brows. “Haven’t I? Why, it seems to me that I am very much married.” He tried to force some lightness into his tone. He longed to take her into his arms and comfort her, but he dared not. He continued:

“Look here, Pauline, this sort of thing happens far oftener than you think… Young girls like you… well, their emotions are easily stirred…”

“Oh, it hasn’t been easy!” she exclaimed piteously. “It’s been cruelly hard! I’ve fought against it—in every way I knew how.”

“I know you have,” he said gently, and now he seated himself on the ottoman and took her hand. “That isn’t what I meant. What I meant was that a young girl—isolated as you have been—is led into feelings for a man she meets constantly—”

“No, no,” she interrupted passionately. “It isn’t that! It never was that! I have loved you—like this—ever since my father died…”

He said eagerly—“Of course. I always tried to take his place. I always—”

“No, no, it’s not like that! I loved him one way and you another. A quite, quite different way. But when he died, he—oh, how can I say it so you will understand!—he gave you to me. You became mine. I loved you… The way a woman loves…”

She spoke strongly now, and turned her tear-stained face to his. She said—“I never meant to let you know… I never should… only, being alone… and the storm… It’s getting nice and cool, isn’t it?”

She was making an immense effort to be brave. He was filled with pity for her and she was a child to him. He took out a crumpled handkerchief and dried her eyes. But he knew that he must not be too tender with her, for fear that she might again lose control of herself.

She looked into his hard features, thus broken into lines of gentleness, and her mouth quivered.

He said, with a certain metallic quality in his voice:

“You know, Paula… I think I ought to tell you that— even if you were older—or I younger—you are not the sort of girl I should love in that way… I love you and always have and always shall—like a darling little sister—but— well, certain women have certain qualities and—I’m no good at explaining this sort of thing—men have certain feelings that only some women draw out. Men will love you—my young Wake loves you now—but I—well—if I were going to love one of the two women in this house—in a passionate way—it would not be you…”

How cruel he was! She stared at him out of tragic eyes. “I see,” she said with difficulty, and she took his hand which held the handkerchief and pushed it gently from her.

“It’s hell to me to hurt you,” he said, “but I thought it would help you if I told you that. If you knew how I hate to see you suffer, and if you knew how truly I believe that you will soon be able to put all this behind you…”