The Jaguar's Arranged Mate: A Paranormal Shifter Romance (18 page)

He helped her and put a pillow behind her backside before stepping back. “They are doing everything they can.”

“But…” She shook her head. “Beric, I have to know.”

“That’s all I know.” He grimaced. “They don’t care that I’m alpha of the Teal Warriors or that I’m your husband. They won’t tell me anything. I’ve tried. Not that I’ve left your side for long,” he rushed to add.

Despite herself, she almost smiled.

“Your father has been here. It’s possible he might know more, but I don’t think he’s around right now. I can go and find a doctor and bring one here to talk to you. They might tell you.”

“They wouldn’t… If he was about to…” She couldn’t get words out, too afraid and upset.

“I’m sure they would bring him straight to you if…”

She swallowed hard. In her delirium after giving birth, when she had seen how premature the baby was, she hadn’t wanted to hold him, too afraid she’d hurt him. She knew then what she knew now. Her baby had come too early to survive. Her baby was going to die.

And she hadn’t wanted to bear the pain of holding her son only to lose him.

But now, she hated herself for that choice. Because the doctors were trying their hardest to keep her baby alive, and if she were selfish and had him brought to her now, it might jeopardize their efforts. She might have missed her chance.

She might never get to hold her son while he lived.

Tears burned her eyes, but she refused to cry. This was her fault. She had pushed herself too hard. She had fought in too many battles. She had endangered their lives again and again. What had she thought would happen?

And not only that, she had been irresponsible in getting pregnant in the first place.

Miera cleared her throat. The time to talk to him about her past had come. “I met a were-jaguar one time in the woods. I was in my jaguar form, hunting down a tapir, when a lion came along and tried to fight me for it. The lion was huge, massive, the largest I ever saw, and it was wearing me down.”

“What happened?” Beric crossed his arms.

She was tired of having to look up at him, so she shifted over in the bed and patted beside her. He gingerly sat next to her. “I’m not made of glass.”

Beric put an arm around her, and she wanted so badly to rest her head on his chest, but this conversation wasn’t a romantic one. It was long overdue, but he wasn’t going to appreciate it.

“What happened?” he asked again.

“Another jaguar came out of nowhere and helped to slay the lion. We actually took down the huge lion. It was incredible. An amazing rush. The brush with death… Such a rush, and well… sometimes… You know how it is.” She squirmed uncomfortably.

“The need to have sex afterward can be overwhelming.”

That he said it for her relieved her. “Exactly. During the fight with the lion, I didn’t even realize at first that he was a were-jaguar too. But then afterward… yes. Yeah, we had sex. And it wasn’t planned, and neither of us had condoms with us, obviously, and… well, you know the rest. I got pregnant.”

“And now you’re a mother.”

She sighed. Yes, her breasts were sore and engorged with milk, and she was trying to recover from pushing a baby out, even a teeny tiny one, so yes, her body was definitely that of a mother’s, but she didn’t feel like one yet, not in her heart.

Miera continued, “We talked for a little bit after, and I thought I would never see him again. That that would be it. Nothing more. I never wanted him to be the father of my child. I never wanted him to be a part of my life. I walked away from him.”

“You walked away…” Beric said slowly.

“Yes.” She shifted uncomfortably again. “He asked me to stay with him right then and there. I never considered it, of course. I couldn’t leave my pack, not with being on the council and being heir.”

“But if you hadn’t been, not on the council, not the heir, would you have considered going with him? Running off with him?” His questions weren’t forceful, but she could tell he was a little on edge.

“No. The only reason why I slept with him was because of wanting to feel close to someone after a brush with death. It was purely physical, and it didn’t have any kind of emotional bonding. Not for me at least. It was just sex. It was not the way to start a relationship, not one that could last. It… No. He and I, we never would have worked.”

“You’re sure?” he pressed.

“Yes. I’m positive. You have nothing to worry about.”

For a few minutes, they were both silent. Miera tried not to feel worried, but she couldn’t help it. His body beside her felt rigid and uptight, and she knew he wasn’t happy.

“What are you thinking about?” she asked desperately, wanting to try and fix this, the mess she’d made. Charles wanted her and the baby, the baby was dying, and her marriage was more a farce than anything else. If he wanted the divorce she’d offered him, she would give it to him, but it was not what she wanted. Not at all.

“You’re so certain the two of you wouldn’t have worked out.”

“Yes,” she said eagerly.

“Do you feel the same about us?”

“Us?” Her eyelids were starting to feel heavy again. No, she would not fall asleep right now. “I think—”

“I think we married for a good reason but not necessarily the right one.”

She glanced up to see his face. His frown wounded her.

“Or maybe it was the opposite. The right reason but not a good one. We don’t have a connection—”

“Don’t we?” she whispered. “Are you sure about that?”

His frown deepened. “Lust—”

“Lust isn’t the only thing, but maybe lust should play a role in a marriage. If you don’t desire your partner, that’s not a good thing.”

“Love is what’s important,” he countered.

“Yes, of course love is more important.” Even her neck hurt, and she couldn’t look up at him anymore, so she rested her head on his chest. Then she jerked back, not wanting to be so close to him, not if he didn’t want her to be.

He didn’t put her head back or tell her it was okay to lean on him, so she stayed apart despite them both being in her bed.

“Respect is just as important as love,” she said, her words slurring slightly from fatigue.

“Trust too.”

That woke her up. She jerked away from him and winced at the shot of pain that spread from between her legs. “You don’t trust me?”

“I never said that.”

“You implied it.”

“This…” He flickered his hand between them. “This is what frustrates me so much. We can’t even talk without fighting. How can we possibly get our people to stop if we can’t?”

Our people.
Of course. Not, how can we possibly make our marriage work. Yes, their people uniting was more important than their marriage, but if they could show everyone that they truly cared for each other, that they loved each other, maybe it would be easier for the two packs to merge together into one.

Would they ever love each other? He had been so kind and tender and helpful during her labor. She would never forget how safe she had felt when he had basically held her up to walk so she could dilate faster. Without him, she wouldn’t have been able to do it. She wouldn’t have survived.

But despite his being so kind then, he seemed to be distancing himself from her again. Why?

Because he regretted marrying her. That much was clear.

“Is there anything I can do?” she whispered.

“I don’t think there is anything we can do at this point,” Beric said. He never sounded more bitter or more resigned. “The fence is being repaired, but every day, the workers find more places the Brutal Claws are trying to break through. I think it might be worth it to have shifts set up so that the fence is worked on twenty-four hours a day. But even that won’t stop them because we don’t have enough manpower to work on or even patrol the entire fence all night long. I just…” He sighed heavily. “The next battle might be the end.”

Hearing him say that made her skin crawl. “It might be. But it might not be.”

“Your optimism—”

“Is refreshing?” she asked hopefully.

“Is naïve.”

She winced.

“That came out wrong.” He sighed again. “I’m just worried.”

“I am too.”

“At least we can agree on that.” For the first time in a long while, his voice sounded warm.

Regardless of how he felt about her, she snuggled against him, and her eyes closed. Sleep came, and it was almost peaceful.

*

Beric refused to breathe, not wanting to jar her, not wanting to disturb her. She needed to rest. For whatever reason, she hadn’t been healing as quickly as her were abilities should have allowed, and his fright for her rivaled the level he felt for the baby.

That she had spoken to him, finally, about the were-jaguar she had slept with should have made him happy. He’d asked her about it several times. But he hadn’t wanted to talk about that guy. He had wanted to talk about them, the two of them, even if he couldn’t ever bring himself to talk about how he truly felt.

But what if she had brought up the guy and her strong argument that he had meant nothing to her because she was trying to hint that she had no feelings for Beric either? Was that why she had mentioned a divorce? Did she feel that they were incompatible?

What exactly did he feel? He had been so frightened when she had collapsed. All he could think about was how he couldn’t lose her. Not because of what she meant to her people or their plan to unite the packs, but because of him wanting his wife to live. Because even though he had not been there for her lately, she still meant a great deal to him.

“Sleep well,” he murmured.

“She needs to.”

Careful not to jerk Miera, he shifted slightly to see who had entered the room. Her nurse. Even though he had spent a great deal of time talking to her and the doctors, Beric had yet to learn any of their names.

“The baby?” he asked, his hopes not high.

“Alive,” the nurse said in such a tone that he knew the baby being alive at the moment meant little.

“Will he…”

“It’s impossible to say.” The nurse shook her head sadly. “I see the way she looks at you. I know your marriage was for our packs to come together, but you two…”

He didn’t want to talk about this with her. With Miera, yes, although his attempts so far had been in vain. He was more a man of action. He wasn’t the kind to express his feelings through words.

“Do you know that there have been a few nights when I’ve come in to check on her and she’ll be tossing and turning? Then she’ll whisper your name, and she always settles into a more restful sleep.”

He stared at the nurse. She seemed too honest to be the lying kind. The knowledge that he could help Miera even when he was gone and checking on the baby meant more to him than it should.

But as much as this pleased him to hear, talking to the nurse was a little unnerving for some reason. At least she had stopped talking although she kept glancing at him.

“What is it?” he finally asked.

“You have been such a great husband to her, hardly leaving her side, and you’ve been a wonderful father, too.”

“But?” There was obviously something more that she had to say, but she had to be prompted, to his annoyance.

“You aren’t being an alpha. And your people need you. We need you.”

“The Blood Roses too, huh? What about your alpha?” For the past few days, he had taken Miera’s advice and delegated so many of his duties he honestly hadn’t felt like the alpha. “Why can’t he help to bring the two packs together?”

“He’s been… preoccupied lately.”

“Because of Miera giving birth?”

“Even before that.”

The wedding, or maybe the pregnancy. Either way, if their alpha wasn’t going to help any, it was all going to fall on him. And so far, he hadn’t done a wonderful job. The two sides weren’t any closer to working together.

She walked around the other side of the bed to be nearer to Miera.

“You said she needs to sleep,” he whispered crossly.

“I won’t wake her.” And she did a quick examination that, true to her word, did not cause Miera to stir.

“How is she?” he asked anxiously.

The nurse’s smile only lasted a moment. “You care so much for her.”

He swallowed hard and said nothing.

“She is…” Once again, the nurse fell silent.

He hated having to prompt her. “She should be fine by now, shouldn’t she?”

“Yes,” the nurse said slowly.

“What is it?” he asked, desperation coloring his tone. “Why isn’t she healing?”

“I have a theory, but I’m not a doctor, and I could be wrong. I probably am wrong—”

“What is it?” It annoyed him that the nurse wasn’t volunteering the information.

“Well, emotions play such a huge role in our lives. She has had so much going on lately with the Brutal Claws, her pregnancy, your marriage… It might all be too much for her.”

That made a great deal of sense. “If the baby was to turn the corner and start to thrive…”