The Island (21 page)

Shaw closed his eyes. “Doesn’t matter. This isn’t the time or the place.” He heard the faint crumple of foil and opened his eyes to find Lee holding out a fistful of condoms. “Christ!”

“I took ’em from the infirmary,” Lee said. His eyes sparkled with mischief, and Shaw discovered that he liked that. He liked naughty Lee a hell of a lot more than frightened Lee, even if he knew it was false bravado. “Let’s not waste ’em.”

Shaw snorted with laughter, wiped a hand across his aching eyes, and wondered how long he’d be tasting saltwater. God, he was too tired to be having this conversation with Lee. He had his report to write and his job to worry about. This was a complete shit fight. No, what was the term he’d heard Callie use once? A goat-fuck. This was a complete goat-fuck. Shaw needed to write his report and get some sleep. He did not need Lee standing there, holding out a handful of condoms, offering himself.

“Do you want to?” Lee asked him again. He chewed his lip.

Shaw’s smile faded. “It’s not a good idea.”

“That’s not what I asked you,” Lee said in a steady voice. He fixed his gaze on Shaw’s. “Do you want to?”

Shaw’s breath caught in his throat. Couldn’t lie. Not now. Not a moral decision; Shaw just knew that Lee would see right through the deception if he tried.

“Yeah,” Shaw said, and that tiny admission felt momentous. A shiver ran through him. Adrenaline. Surrender. Something. “Lock the door.”

Lee moved quickly to obey, pulling his shirt over his head. He was stripping off his sweatpants before Shaw had even stood. He slid them down over his narrow hips, exposing an erection that was already throbbing against his stomach.

Shaw began to strip and was surprised to find his hands were shaking.

Lee looked at him hungrily. “I want to go on top. Can I?”

“Whatever you want,” Shaw breathed, pulling him close for a kiss. So good. So good to touch him without worrying about who was watching. Not taking, sharing.
Want you, want this
, need
this
, but he couldn’t say it.

No pressure, no obligation. Just, fuck, just whatever the hell this was.

Adrenaline? Closure? Fuck knows
.

Just for once, Shaw tried to lose himself in a moment. Lee’s mouth was eager, greedy, and he moaned under the kiss. His hands slid up Shaw’s sides, following his ribs, his fingers kneading his flesh. Their cocks strained against one another, and Shaw reluctantly pushed Lee away before the friction undid him completely.

He climbed onto the narrow bunk, lying back. “You sure?” he asked.

“Yeah,” Lee said, but Shaw saw the flicker of fear that crossed his brilliant green eyes.

“We don’t have to do this,” Shaw told him, reaching out and encircling Lee’s bandaged wrist with his fingers. “We can get off another way.”

“How long do we have on the ship?” Lee asked him and wrinkled his nose. “Frigate, I mean.”

“Two days until Sydney,” Shaw told him.

Lee nodded and set his jaw. “Then we do this now.”

He climbed up onto the bunk.

“We don’t have to,” Shaw said. “Not if you’re not ready.”

Lee straddled Shaw’s hips and ran his hands up and down his chest. “I want to,” he said. “Before it’s too late.”

Shaw nodded. He was the rebound guy. The rebound guy after the rapists. Lee needed to exorcise those other men. Maybe he’d have to exorcise Shaw as well when he’d done that, his last reminder of that terrible place. Shaw was the bookend to his nightmares. It was enough.

Lee leaned down and kissed him, and Shaw sighed. It was enough.

Lee’s hands fumbled with the condom packet. He grew frustrated and scowled. “Fuck!”

“Take your time,” Shaw murmured. He lifted a hand to touch Lee’s. “It’s okay.”

Lee met his eyes, nodded, and finally managed to rip the packet open. He shifted back, straddling Shaw’s thighs. Shaw groaned as Lee’s trembling hands rolled the condom over his cock. Then Lee was fumbling again, with a bottle of lube this time, applying it to Shaw’s cock and then reaching around to prepare himself.

He was breathing heavily. Shaw stroked his thighs. “It’s okay, Lee.”

“Yeah.” Lee flashed him a nervous smile and raised himself up onto his knees. He gripped Shaw’s cock, angled it, and notched it against his anus. He drew a few quick breaths and began to lower himself.

Shaw bit his lip as he felt the head of his cock push past Lee’s tight entrance. He gripped the sides of the bunk to stop himself from thrusting and stared up at Lee. His stomach twisted. “You okay?”

Lee was crying. He scrubbed at his face furiously with his hands.

“Stop, if it hurts,” Shaw said, trying to lift him off.

“No!” Lee gripped Shaw’s hands and sank lower. “Don’t move, please, don’t move.”

“Lee?” Shaw gripped his hands tightly, mindful of his injured fingers, feeling Lee impale himself fully on his throbbing cock. He was so hot, so tight, but his face was screwed up with pain, and his tears were flowing freely now. “Lee, get off. Get off me.”

“Shut up,” Lee said through gritted teeth. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry. Fuck!”

It was torture not to move. Shaw felt every muscle in his body tense with the effort. “Lee, just get off, okay? I don’t want to hurt you.”

“No.” Lee pulled his hands free and scrubbed his face again. “Gonna do this.”

Jesus. Enough was enough. Shaw caught his hands again. “Look at me. You don’t have to prove anything here, okay? If it hurts, just get off. Come on.” He tempered his voice. “Come on, it’s okay. We’ll do something else.”

Sudoku was probably the safest thing.

“Don’t touch me!” There was real panic in Lee’s voice as he pushed Shaw’s hands away. “Don’t fucking touch me!”

Shaw frowned. “Lee, get up. Get up now!”

Lee groaned in pain, squeezing his eyes shut. “No, I’m sorry. Just stay still, please. I’m sorry.”

“This was a mistake.” Shaw tried to roll away, but Lee held him down. Fuck, he’d throw him off in a minute, and screw his feelings. “Come on, why are you torturing yourself?”

Lee’s eyes flashed open. “Got no one else to do it for me now.”

“
Oh
, shit, Lee,” Shaw said. “Come on, get off.”

“No,” Lee said. He drew a deep breath and began to rock his hips.

Fuck
. Shaw gasped and dropped back onto the mattress. That was fucking good. Lee was so tight, so hot, and he was clenching around Shaw’s cock now. Clenching and rocking, even though he was still crying.

“Fuck me,” Lee whispered. “Fuck me, Shaw.”

Shaw gripped his hips, changed his angle, and pulled back. He felt Lee tremble and thrust gently again. That was it. That was the spot. Lee’s eyes rolled back in his head.

Exorcism, Shaw thought. You had to call up the evil thing before you killed it. And Lee needed to know he was the one in control.

“We’ll stop,” he managed, “if you want to.”

Lee shook his head, swallowing. “Don’t want to.”

Christ, that was a relief, because Shaw was worried it might have been a lie. He’d dreamed of this, of fucking Lee, but never in any of those fantasies had Lee been crying. Which was the real difference, he supposed, between him and men like Vornis and Guterman. When was the last time Lee had been fucked without tears? How long would it take him?

“Lee,” he whispered. “Lee.”

Shaw drew him closer, leaning up to kiss him, to kiss his lips and his wet cheeks and eyelashes.

“Oh, Jesus,” Lee moaned. “Will you touch my cock, Shaw?”

“Anything you want,” Shaw said, sliding his hand down into the sweaty heat between their bodies. Lee jerked and cried out as Shaw’s fingers closed around his hot shaft. “
Shh. Shh
.”

Lee struggled for breath as Shaw began to stroke him in time to his own thrusts. His cock pulsed. It was slippery with precum.

“Haven’t been hard like this in forever,” he whimpered. “Not with someone…someone fucking me.”

“I know,” Shaw said, licking his jawline. “I know.”

It wasn’t a fuck Lee needed, Shaw realized too late; it was a psychologist. It probably wouldn’t matter in the end even if it did feel good for him; Lee would only hate himself for it. This was a mistake. He’d just be one more regret for Lee in the end. Maybe not a horror like Vornis, but a regret.

“Shaw,” Lee moaned. “Oh, fuck, Shaw.”

Shaw thrust again, picking up the pace now. He could feel the muscles in Lee’s thighs trembling. Fatigue or pleasure, he didn’t know. He couldn’t even tell if Lee was enjoying it. His cock was hard, but his face was a mask of pain. Shaw closed his eyes. He didn’t want to see the same expressions Vornis must have.

Shaw thrust quickly now, hating himself every time.

He felt Lee’s balls draw up. His cock pulsed, and Shaw shafted it in his fist as Lee came. Lee arched up, cried out again, and Shaw came as well. It was quick, furious, and he was afraid it wasn’t what Lee needed.

Lee fell forward, and Shaw encircled him with his arms. He rolled them over in the narrow bunk, his cock sliding out of Lee’s tight passage. Shaw reached down for the blanket and drew it up over Lee’s trembling body.

He sat up, and Lee tensed.

“It’s okay,” he said. “I’m just going to clean up. I’ll come back, if you want.”

Lee twisted his neck to look at him. He nodded.

Shaw disposed of the condom and wet a washcloth under the tap in the corner basin. At least he didn’t have to walk all the way to the head. He pulled on his sweatpants again and picked Lee’s up from the floor.

He returned to the bunk and drew the blanket back. Lee lay there quietly as Shaw gently wiped him down with the washcloth. He tilted his hips obediently as Shaw pulled his sweats back on.

Shaw climbed back into the bunk. “You okay?”

“Yeah.” Lee was facing away from him, but Shaw heard the uncertainty in his voice.

Shaw drew him closer and wrapped his arms around him. “You’ll be okay.”

Lee sniffed. “Yeah.”

Shaw stroked his dark hair.

Lee’s breath caught in his throat. “I don’t know what happened there. I don’t know what that was. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Shaw said. “It’s okay. It’ll take time, that’s all.”

“We don’t have time,” Lee whispered.

“No, we don’t,” Shaw said. He forced a smile, needing Lee to hear it in his voice. “But you do, Lee. You’ve got all the time in the world. You’ll get better.”

“I’m sorry,” Lee said. “I didn’t want it to be like that.”

“It’s okay,” Shaw said again. “It’s okay.”

He moved his hand down Lee’s body and caught his hand. He remembered their first night in the bungalow together and wondered if Lee did. He wondered if he could win back that trust. He turned Lee’s palm over and rubbed his thumb against it. Back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, until he could feel the tension draining slowly from Lee’s body.

“It’s okay,” he whispered, even when he thought Lee was asleep. “It’ll be okay for you.”

Lee sighed in his sleep.

Chapter Fifteen

“For fuck’s sake, Zev,” Shaw snapped. “Eat your own fucking dinner!”

“I like yours better,” Zev said.

“It’s the same fucking thing,” Shaw said.

“Yours seems a little more kosher,” Zev said.

“I’ve seen you eat lobster,” Shaw said, slapping his hand away. “I saw you eat lobster two nights ago.”

“
Mmm
,” Zev said. “That wasn’t me. That was someone else.”

They were bickering like kids, and the captain and his officers had no idea what to make of them. Neither did Lee, who was eating everything put in front of him quietly and politely.

“We can do kosher,” the captain said. He looked at the XO. “Can’t we?”

The XO shrugged her shoulders. “It’s never come up, sir.”

Shaw had an idea the captain would be very glad to see the back of the lot of them.

“Movie night tonight,” the captain said. “If you’re interested.”

“What’s on?” Zev asked.

“
You Don’t Mess With the Zohan
,” Shaw suggested.

Someone farther down the table almost choked.

Shaw glanced across at Lee and saw that he was smiling. Zev saw it too and bit back whatever acerbic reply he’d had ready. He reached across and filched Shaw’s chicken instead.

Zev could be a clown in public. He liked to be a clown. But when he worked, he was dangerous. He had a level of professionalism that Shaw both admired and feared. He killed men in cold blood, and, as far as Shaw could tell, he didn’t lose sleep over it. Shaw didn’t know if he aspired to be like that or not.

After dinner, Shaw saw Lee back to his cabin, and he and Zev headed up onto the deck. The crew who passed them in the narrow corridors looked at them curiously.

The crew gave all three of them a wide berth on the ship. They knew, Shaw supposed, that he was ASIO. They suspected Zev was Mossad. They had no idea where Lee fitted in. And what the three of them had been doing floating in the ocean off a Fijian island would remain a topic of speculation. Shaw had heard the lower ranks speculating since they’d been picked up.

The sea air was invigorating. Shaw and Zev headed over to the rails, where Zev lit a cigarette.

“What are you doing?” Zev asked him. His voice was low, serious. The joker was gone.

“What do you mean?” Shaw leaned on the rail.

“I mean with that American,” Zev said. “You threw away your mission. Fuck, you threw away mine as well, even if I’m glad the bastards are dead.”

“Thanks for backing me,” Shaw said. “I didn’t know if you would.”

Zev only shrugged.

“I mean that,” Shaw said. “Thanks.”

Zev inhaled, and his narrow face was illuminated by the ember of his cigarette. “Did you fuck him?”

“What?” Shaw felt guilt rise in his gut.

“On the island,” Zev said. “Did you fuck him?”

“No,” Shaw said, glad it was the truth. Glad Zev had clarified the question.

There’s the loophole, and there’s Shaw slipping through it.

“Good,” said Zev. “The Americans might not have liked that.”

“I’m not an idiot,” Shaw said.

Zev shrugged again. “I saw the way you looked at him. He’s been thinking with his cock, I told myself. I knew you wouldn’t let him die.”