The Interrogative Mood (12 page)

What is the right-sized dog for you? Can you hit a golf ball? Do you like lizards? Do you use the word
spatial
? Have you ever seen or tried the old sport paddleball, which used very heavy plywood paddles? Did you ever or do you now own a set of French curves? Are you aggressive and with it on money, or passive and out of it? Do you like movies? Can you recall eating crayons? If you hired a maid and she came in the first day and said, “I’ll be needing me some Bab-o and Skinner’s Raisin Bran and for you to get out of my way,” would you think you had made a very good hire, or would the bluster worry you? Would such a maid be the kind you need to make pencil marks on the liquor-bottle labels for, or not? Have you ever seen actual
police photos of a crime scene with a corpse in it? Do you sometimes just make up your mind and set out to Have a Very Good Day and not let anything deflect you from doing just that? Will you eat birthday-candle wax on the icing of a cake or do you meticulously pick it out?

Do you think you yourself could make anything out of birch bark? Are you more likely to purchase something calling itself a salve or something calling itself a balm, and are you more drawn to it or less drawn to it if it is in a tin, as opposed to, let’s say, in a tube? If you could be an assassin or an ice-cream manufacturer, which would it be? Are you conversant with wildflowers? When you see public officials, do you see trajectories of menace or do you see public servants doing their best? Does what the Germans did to the Jews, next to what the Americans did to the Indians, differ largely only in the efficiency of the Germans and the inefficiency of the Americans? Have you ever had and really enjoyed cold fountain Pepsi-Cola over shaved ice early in the morning? Would you like something like a little cold Pepsi and a good recreational drug right now? What percentage of people in general would you say are so stupid or misled or just altogether
so fucked up in the head that we would be better off if they were not present at all? Do you use throw rugs in your house? Would you ever buy a significant pet, by which I mean something more substantial than a mouse or a fish, from a pet shop as opposed to from a breeder or otherwise less retail purveyor? Do you recall the nice ivory color of a jawbreaker as the red coating wears off, and the nice porcelain knocking sound you can effect with the jawbreaker and your teeth? Do you think there might be a snake equivalent of some sort to the Christmas bird count? Will one hyena stand and fight a dog? Were you any good at Flyback? Is there any circumstance in which you would allow yourself to be addressed as “Skipper”? If someone you knew vaguely called you up and said, “I can do the dirty dog all night long, you want to go out with me?” what would you say?

Was Luther’s declamation called the Diet of Worms, or did that refer to the convention that drew it up? If it was the proclamation, would you rather issue a Diet of Worms or issue a papal bull? How often do you burn toast? What do you suppose is the ratio in the world of underweight people to overweight people? Do you think that tropical fish and birds are
as content as they appear to be in their tanks and cages? Do you know why it is that freedom is not free? Would it be correspondingly true, if freedom is not free, that captivity is not captive? If you were to help a child enter himself into a soapbox derby contest, would you prefer it be the life-size race or the model competition? Do you know why the two forms of this soapbox-derby business exist? Do you have a fondness for operating a small outboard motor on calm water early in the morning, over operating that motor at any other time of day? Have you used the word
splendid
without irony? Do you think a man named Chocolate could be elected governor of any state other than California? Have you known people who loosen their clothing for the purpose of sitting around? Have you ever witnessed a serious fireworks accident either to persons or to property? Would you rob a bank?

Are you tardy more than not? Do you picnic, and do you use a basket if you do? Can you say for sure that you have loved? Are you looking forward to retirement? Does the recovery of the alligator, they say nearly extinct in the 1960s, surprise you? How many one-armed men do you know, or women? What are the chances that you could have been an astronaut?
Do you like paint? Is there a future? Do you need support clothing of any sort? Do you like to report that you are alarmed? Do you like it when others report they are alarmed? Will you buy from a meat market whose slogan is “Nobody beats our meat”? Is mass a function of weight or weight a function of mass? Can you sharpen your knives and scissors or are you dependent upon others for sharpening? Do you know why the pleated paper cups for cupcakes do not burn? Is a bruise a contusion, or is a bruise a manifestation of a contusion? If you soaked a good-sized rolled-up newspaper and dropped it, say, ten stories onto the street, how large do you think the newsprint would spread out on impact? Are you familiar with the bird species todies? Are you amused when you hear a girl say “This sucks my dick,” meaning she is disgusted by something? Why does a split in a fingernail transmit itself apparently forever? Is it natural that those much taken with themselves young become less so as they age, and those not so taken young become more confident of themselves later?

Are you familiar with the spring-loaded stinging mechanism of the jellyfish and other things in the ocean you’d better not touch, perhaps called nemato
cyst? Would you think that your vocabulary shrinks, expands, or holds constant over time? If one man suggested to a second that he resembled Ted Kennedy, and the second in protest said, “I ain’t got no outside gorilla,” what would his remark mean? Are you drawn to bowling and the ambience of bowling? Does it strike you as odd or not odd that shooting enthusiasts commonly shoot discarded bowling pins in timed competitions to see who can shoot them off a table the fastest? Have you ever read Virgil? Do you think in terms of calculus? Can you wade across a stream with some speed and depth to it without falling down, usually?

Do you like crickets? Are you sane? Does the moon’s rising or the sun’s setting do it for you more? Can you abide horse thievery? Have you purchased the services of a prostitute? What’s it like when you first wake up? Is there an aftertaste to a cigarette, or is it all the immediate taste of the cigarette? When do the stars render themselves most visible? Can we say with certainty that we are free? What’s it like being you? Does Carole Lombard stir you in any way? If good fences make good neighbors, what kind of fence in your view makes the best neighbor? Would you like to have right now any particular kind of candy? Has
any part of you ever herniated or prolapsed? Do you doodle much? Do you prefer a cloth to a paper napkin? Can you hold your liquor? Do you think Charles Lindbergh was a good fellow or a cad? If a place is infested with feral cats, is it okay in your book to shoot them? Can you tell me why now at this minute I see in my mind the time I picked up on my paddle a large gray rat snake as she swam across the Flint River in Georgia and she hissed at me gently? What is the opposite of a “strapping lad”? Will we be struck down in heaven? Can we hope for a better tomorrow? Do we have the look of heroes to anyone? Can we be better or worse than we are? Do you have anything you’d like to say?

WOULD YOU CHECK IN
for a long stay, a short stay, or would you not stay at all at The Hotel Enema? Would you be interested in getting in a car with girls who are chewing gum and excited about going to the beach? Are you more subject to periods of psychological fragility in the morning than in the evening? If Julia says, “Jacques and I are vegetarians,” and Jacques says, “But we eat meat, too,” and Julia then says, “We
eat everything,” is this amusing to you or inane? In your family history is there any mention of an aging relative throwing feces at a grandchild? Do you enjoy seeing airplanes write with smoke in the sky? Would you prefer to see the earth flood or burn totally up? Do you favor any particular kind of fountain? Do you get satisfaction from wrapping up a bag of garbage and getting it out of the house? Do you like to make stock? Do you have a rivet gun or a hot-glue gun? Would you say your man is Dickens or Trollope? Have you ever counted tree rings? Would you rather spend time with gangsters, with pornographers, or with professional dancers? Do you wonder why if there is, say, vanilla Coke and cherry Coke, and if the global market is the thing, why there is not, say, nutmeg Coke and cumin Coke and anise Coke and garlic Coke and sauerbraten Coke and horseradish Coke and chili Coke and coconut Coke and lemongrass Coke? Have you lost your mind?

Do you like to dance in the rain in your tight underwear? Do you hawk phlegm? Is there a number of children that should never be exceeded in your immediate presence? Does the term “bogolusian” mean anything to you? If you found yourself in a bull ring
with a bull in it, would you start running immediately or would you wait until the bull took an interest in you and base your move on his? Would you drink something called a “plumber’s concoction”? Would you object to any part of your person or character or any part of your behavior being called dainty? Is the idea of living in a shack attractive? Can you abide red wrigglers, or do you prefer the solid sandy gravity of a good, thick earthworm? Would a vegetarian who objects to meat on moral grounds be able to participate with a clear conscience in prescribed burning of forests? Do birds defecate from aloft when in established flight? Can a car body not be made of copper? Have you taken game from artificially confined populations of it, such as are on hunting plantations and in trout ponds? What is the age past which you do not wish to see someone naked? Do you fancy watercress?

Do you like it when your body is sore? Had you the opportunity, would you attend clown school? Will you linger to see a sunset more readily than you might get up to see a sunrise? Do you consider yourself a charitable person or an essentially selfish and self-protective person? Do you understand the physics of chocolate? If you were laying siege to a walled town
and could lob in a ton of something, what would you lob in? If you were in the town, what would you most not want to see come flying in? Should the answers to the two previous questions be the same? Is most talk idiocy?

Are you familiar with the cow pea, and do you find them difficult to locate? Do you know the origin and the meaning of the chevron? Do tools of any particular sort attract you? Would you like to have been seen naked when you weren’t naked at points in your life you can recall? Would you say that for you population control is not an issue, or that it is an issue but you have no suggestions, or that it is an issue and you have suggestions? If you have population-control suggestions, what are they? Do you find the rimless centerfire cartridge more menacing-looking than the rimmed rimfire? Do you feel protective in an unusual way of the turkey oak?

Has your experience with bankers been positive, in general? How often do you go for an undirected walk? If you could be made taller nonsurgically, would you go for it? If you were part of a pilot/gunner team on an aircraft, which position would you prefer? Is the chief function of the doily protective or decorative or
both? Do you know what is signified by “boomlay,” possibly “a boomlay”? Would you eat toe soup? If told your house was to be painted either “arsenical green” or “cupric yarng,” which would you pick? Do you synchronize all your clocks? If so, are they set correctly, fast, or slow? Have you ever taken a beating? Would you like one?

If you find an unopened stick of Juicy Fruit gum on the sidewalk, will you chew it? Do you talk to squirrels? Do you like to passionately argue for a position or an outcome or a gain of any sort about which itself you are indifferent? Do you lick stamps or envelopes with your tongue or wet them less directly?

Are you familiar with the joke in which billeting is sought for “a hundred soldiers without Peters”? When a trellis collapses, with a rose on it, do you cut back the rose or keep the rose entire as you rebuild the trellis and tie the rose back up? Have you ever seen an owl so large you mistook it for a man in a sport coat sitting in a tree? Is there anything better than snow outside and fire inside? Can you identify tuille? Would you rather play a board game with a child all day or go over Niagara Falls in a barrel? Have you ever fished with niblet corn? Do you care for Laurel and
Hardy? If you were to be incarcerated in a mental institution, would you care where it was and what kind of place it was? Do you collect your old license tags? Are you partial to peppermint, and if so, do you best like it in soap, in candy, or in a pie? Do you know how gyroscopes function aeronautically? Do you have the patience to upholster a chair? Are you big on pudding? Is a catfish likely to get more sympathy from you than a fish with scales? Between the fox-trot and the waltz, at which are you better? Could Oswald have done it alone? Are you familiar with the joke that features a female soda jerk asking a boy brandishing two new toy pistols, “Do you want your nuts crushed?”

Will you be taking a constitutional today, perhaps thinking fondly of your beloved? Will storm clouds not fret your brow? Have you ever built a boat, or a model boat? Do you die in your dreams? Do you shop credit-card offers for lower interest rates and higher rewards? Have you eaten dung? Does the prospect of going to Africa instill in you any willies? Do you find the three-legged milking stool charming? The three-legged dog?

Would you watch cricket all afternoon before you would watch ice hockey? Do you have aspirations
for things getting better? Are these things, if you do have aspirations for their getting better, specific or vague? If you do not have aspirations for things getting better, did you once? If you do not have aspirations for things getting better but did once, can you say what ended your aspirations for things getting better? Have you ever made car payments? Do you have life insurance? Do you know the suicide clauses of your life-insurance policy, if you have one? Have you ever seen lava flow? Would you like to be momentarily in a jail cell with a man who keeps repeating that he does not take survivors or take no for an answer? Would you like to eat soft-serve ice cream beside a municipal pond colored that fetid green from goose shit and paddled upon by uncivil ducks? Would you like to go to a stock-car race? If she’s dead, would you like to send word to your mother? Do you ever say to yourself, “Lay me down to sleep”? Doesn’t that have the nicest little music to it?