The Inner Struggle: Beginnings Series Book 7 (31 page)

“Fuck me? No Ellen.” He snapped at her. “Fuck you!”

“I can’t believe you just said that to me.”

“Why not? Oh wait, yeah, that’s right, Ellen double standards again. You can do what you want and no one is allowed to say anything.”

“Why are you being such an asshole?”

“Because I’m tired of being the nice guy.”

Ellen laughed in a taunting manner. “I have news for you. You were never really that nice.”

“Come on Ellen, you can’t come up with anything better than that?”

“I’m trying to stay calm here, Dean.”

“Don’t.”

Ellen stormed to him. “Boy, you are just looking for a fight aren’t you? Let me tell you something, you don’t know what you just started.”

Up from his work, Dean raised his eyes. “Ellen.”

“You and your fuckin attitude.”

“Ellen.” Not only his voice, but Dean’s eyes scolded as well.

“Holier than thou stupid shit.”

“You would think you would have got the hint when you walked in here that I didn’t want to deal with you. Stupid shit is thinking you can try egg me on more.”

“I don’t need to try to egg you on more, Dean, I’m the master of pissing people off.”

“Well Master, there is nothing you can do to piss me off anymore.”

“You don’t think?” Ellen raised her eyes.

“I don’t think.”

“Watch me.” With a sweep of her arm in a dramatic move, Ellen cleared the counter of the thirty or so folders Dean had spread out there, spraying papers in the air and all around.

Letting out a loud, shrieking grunt of anger, Dean threw his hand up. “What the hell was that about!”

“Pissing you off.”

“You’ll pick every single one of those up!”

“And you’ll kiss my ass!”

The whistle and the semi-clapping stopped their fight right there and then when Frank stood in the lab door, holding Nick. “It warms my heart to see you two getting along like this.”

Dean curled his top lip as he began to pick up papers that were everywhere. “Shut up, Frank.”

Frank snickered, “Quite the mess you have here, Dean.”

Dean snarled as he bent down and then looked at Ellen who stood with her arms folded amongst the mess. “You’re just gonna stand there?”

“What? You think I’m helping you?” she snapped at him.

“If you aren’t, then leave.”

“No!” She yelled and bent down some to him, “because it’s pissing you off me standing here.”

“You started this.” He looked up at her.

“Bull shit Dean, you started this when you gave me your shit.”

Frank held his hand over Nick’s ear. “Language please.”

Dean shook his head. “It’s about time someone gave you shit.” He picked up more papers. “You know what, El? You deserve it.”

“Oh yeah?” Ellen raised her eyebrow. “Well you deserve this.” She gave a short swift kick with her foot and sent the papers even further.

“Ellen!” Dean stormed in a stand.

“Dean!”

“Guys!” Frank intruded with an enjoyable laugh.

A screaming ‘Frank!’ emerged from both of them.

Getting out his last laugh, Frank held his hand up. “Don’t get me wrong. I’m enjoying this immensely . . .” He cringed when they yelled his name again. “But . . . but mind you, I have never seen you two fight like this in all the years we’ve been here and that includes when Ellen cheated on you, Dean.”

Dean saw red, his faced showed it too. If steam could protrude from him it would have. He marched to Frank. “You would just bring that up at this moment wouldn’t you?”

Frank shook his head, “No, you can’t be getting mad about that now. There’s a statute of limitations or something like that.” He grinned widely. “This is so great.”

Dean’s hand pointed outward. “Tell me something, Frank. I need you to prove something for me.”

“You mean that I’m strong? Or how about that I’m sexy? I’ll pose, Dean.” He heard Dean growl in anger. “Dean, chill.” Frank contained his laughter. “Man, are you pissed. What did you do, El? Good job.”

Ellen shuffled her way through the papers, making more of a mess. “Let’s go, Frank.”

“No.” Dean stopped him. “I need to know something simple, Frank. Did you sleep in bed with Ellen last night?”

Ellen spun around and faced Dean. “That is none of your goddamn business.”

Dean lowered his voice to a whisper as he faced Ellen closely, “Maybe not, but it would prove my point.”

“A-bout what?” Ellen said so sarcastically.

“That everything you said to me in the hall the other night was just another Ellen tale.” He turned to face Frank, trying to hide his irritation at the arrogant happy look on Frank’s face. “So did you?”

“Well.” Frank cleared his throat.

“Don’t answer him, Frank,” Ellen instructed.

“Well . . .” Frank continued, “seeing how it really isn’t any of your business but more irritation hinges on my answer so I’ll answer you.” Putting his face close to Dean’s, Frank smiled. “Yes.”

“Frank!” Ellen yelled.

Dean’s head spun to Ellen then back to Frank who laughed a single ‘ha’. “Thanks Frank.”

“No problem.” He watched Dean began to leave. “Oh Dean . . . she was naked too.” Dean kept walking and Frank stuck his head out the lab door. “And Dean? I touched her breasts.” Laughing he refaced the lab and Ellen too. She did not look happy. “What?”

“You’re an asshole too.”

“Yeah, so. I know this. Can we take Nick to see Henry now?”

“In a minute.” Ellen stormed by him to catch glimpse of Dean leaving the clinic. “Dean!”

Dean flung open the doors more in Frank fashion than in his own and walked to the street.

“Stop it right now!”

Dean stopped walking. Holding his hair back he faced Ellen. “What is it?”

“This fighting is really stupid.”

“I’m really mad, El.”

“And now so am I. Where does that get us?”

Dean was silent as he stared at her.

“Look I’m not going to argue with you anymore. I’m not going to try to convince you of anything about us. After the other night and especially after today, I don’t want to.”

“If you’re not going to argue, Ellen, why are you saying this?”

“I need to and you need to hear me.”

“I’d really rather not hear you unless it has something to do with medicine.”

“Fine.” Ellen held her hands up. “That’s fine.” She stepped back. “If that’s the way you want us to be, then that is the way you got it. From this moment on Dean, no more. I will work with you but that’s as far as it goes. But let me let you in on a little secret, Dr. Hayes. You didn’t need to get so possessive and jealous over me. Whether you choose to believe it or not, I would have been there for you every step of the way, not because I had to, because I wanted to. I wanted to be with you but not anymore.” She backed up. “And just to show you I’m a better person then you give me credit for, I’ll clean up that mess I made in your lab.” She started walking back to the clinic.

“Ellen.” Dean followed her and took hold of her arm. “I needed you this time not to be with Frank, especially this time. But you just couldn’t do it, could you?”

Ellen’s jaw twitched slightly as she looked in Dean’s eyes. “I guess not.” She pulled from his grip, turned her back to him and headed into the clinic.

<><><><>

It should have been something Robbie expected when the other two went. In actuality, he did. But it was something he didn’t want to face…the quiet. No breath sounds, no movement, no shivering, or calling out for help. A still Greg, laid in his make shift bed. His face held a look of peace that had long been gone during his agony and suffering.

So unlike the plague that ended the world, there was no convulsions at the end, no out of control illness, just quiet, peaceful, death. It happened so fast, Robbie wasn’t ready. The last he had checked on Greg was an hour before and when he returned to him to wipe him down and give him something, Greg was gone.

Greg was the first survivor to enter Beginnings’ gate. He was the first to make it through the newly instituted containment process. He was the first to gain the complete trust of the originals and be treated as if he were one himself. And now Greg was one of the first to die from the plague that seemed to threaten the existence of the home he fought to protect.

The irony of it all baffled Robbie. When Greg left Beginnings, not long before, to go out and take on George’s men, he never expected to return home. No good warrior ever does. Greg expected to face his battles, and if need be, die fighting for what he believed in. But he died in a battle he wasn’t prepared for. Had it been a gun that faced him off, Greg could have stood tall. But there was no amount of defense that would have guarded him from what brought him down. In an essence, Greg did stand tall against his defeater.

Covering Greg’s body before Robbie would take him outside to bury him, he remembered the words Greg spoke to him when he first got ill, ‘even if this thing takes me Robbie, I’m doing what I set out to do. As long as I die outside of Beginnings with this illness still inside of me, then I am protecting my home with my life.’

And Greg did.

“Dean’s just scared, El,” Henry told her while he lay in his bed.

“I know Henry, but he’s being really mean to me. And I threw his papers all over the lab.”

Henry snickered. “Sorry.”

“It’s not funny.”

“I know. Frank thought it was.”

“Frank basked in it. He didn’t ask why we were fighting like that, he just smiled about it.”

“Just understand,” Henry tried to get Ellen to see reason, “Dean was depending on you. He needed to count on you being there when the time came. And with Frank in the picture, all he could see is the way Frank is. And that is, Frank won’t let you near Dean.”

“I wouldn’t have let that happen.”

“I know that and you know that. But Dean is, like I said, too scared to see that. Would you like to hear my theory on it?”

“Oh you know I do Henry.” Ellen sat up. “I love your theories. You have good theories.”

“Dean’s overreacting because he’s scared. We all do that. Remember the kid in kindergarten who held on to his mother and screamed and cried because he didn’t want her to leave. Well, just like the kid, Dean screamed and shouted in hopes that you wouldn’t leave. And again like the kid, Dean’s just gonna have to see that no matter if you’re in the next room or down the street, you’re there and you’ll be back.”

“But I’m not, Henry.”

“Aren’t you gonna help him when he needs you El?” Henry asked.

“I will. How can I not? But I won’t be there for him in any other way.”

“Maybe that’s for the best,” He spoke softly.

“Henry? Why do you say that?”

“El, why was Dean upset? Because of how you and Frank are? Let’s face it El, you and Frank are getting closer.”

“We’ve worked very hard to be good friends again, Henry. I’m not giving up that with Frank, just like I wouldn’t give my friendship up with Dean.”

“I know that. But right now Dean only sees that you’re gonna pull him along, and pull him along until you’re back somehow with Frank. At this point in his life, with all that’s going on, he’s afraid of that happening and he’s getting defensive. Just give him time, El. He’ll be nice to you again.”

“Thanks Henry.” Ellen lowered her lips to his hand and kissed him. “I’d better go. I have the big wedding planning meeting tonight.” She stood up. “I have to change Frank’s bandages too. I’ll stop by before my meeting. How’s that?”

“I’d like that.”

“Good. I’ll stop by afterward too, unless you don’t want to hear what was discussed. You do want to hear don’t you Henry?”

“Sure El,” He smiled sadly.

“Good, for a second there I thought you were chickening out of playing along.” She started to leave. “You’re not going to chicken out on me, are you?”

“Chicken out?” Henry shook his head. “Trust me no. I wouldn’t chicken out, El. Just know, everyone is going to be convinced that I want to be married to you.”

Ellen waved her hand at Henry as if he were being silly. “I know that. And . . . I’d better go.”

“See you in a little bit.”

Ellen walked to the door then paused to look at Henry who seemed down. Figuring it was just his health, she winked and smiled, hoping to pass her spirits on to him as she started to walk from the clinic room.

She debated in her mind on whether to stop in and see Dean. Wondering if he was impressed by the fine organizational skills she used to put the folders back together, Ellen used that as an excuse to talk to him so she stopped in the lab.

“Dean?” Slowly, apprehensively she walked in.

“Thanks for putting the folders back together,” Dean said, little emotion, if any, to his tone.

“I can’t guarantee I did them right.” She smiled and moved closer.

“What’s up?” Sitting down, Dean turned his stool to face her.

Ellen let out a breath. “Thanks.”

“For what?”

“You’re not being as mean.”

Dean shrugged and raised his eyebrows. “So what did you need?”

“I was uh . . . I was wondering if you were busy and you want me to pick the kids up from school then you can get them when you get Brian at the house.”

“I can get them. I’m leaving soon.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.” Dean stood up. “Anything else?”

“I guess not.” Folding her arms, Ellen started to leave the lab but stopped. “Dean, I’m not understanding this. I’m really not. I know you’re scared . . .”

“Scared? You don’t know how scared I am. You don’t know what I go through each day, getting up twenty minutes earlier because that’s how long it takes for my sight to come back in the morning. You don’t know what it’s like knowing that our men are outside of our walls dying of something I have to fight. How can I fight it without my eyes? They’re going El. They’re going fast.”

“So why are you pushing me away? I want to help you.”

“I’ll let you help me, but not the way you’ve been. We’ve been close, El. We work together, we touch, we kiss . . .” He stepped to her. “But I can’t figure out why you’re doing that, or were. You came back to me because you knew I needed you. I’m mad at you and I’m mad at myself for getting caught up in what was going on. It’s one thing to need you for your eyes, but it’s another to need you for you. I was reaching the point where I depended on both. I can’t do that because when it’s all said and done, and I become self-sufficient, then not only will my sight be gone, but so will you too.”

“You can’t say that. You don’t know.”

“I do know. Look how easy it was for Frank to get you to sleep in bed with him.” He backed away. “Can’t you see what you’re doing or why I’m mad? Ellen, right now in my life I needed to know that you’ll be there. I can’t take a chance of having to wait my turn in line. I can’t. Maybe I overreacted. Yes, I did overreact but just see my point. You’re telling me you’ll be there whenever. But that’s not true, it can’t be true. Frank is in the picture again, not that he hasn’t always been. But he’s back again and you’re letting him be there.”

“Dean.” She walked to him. “Remember when Frank and I got back together? Remember how I promised you I would never walk away from you. I’d be there for you as long as you wanted me to. I meant that. I did that. Frank didn’t like it, but I did it anyway. And now you, you have to take the same attitude Dean. I’m not going to walk away from Frank.”

“Have you ever?”

Ellen grunted slightly. “You’re missing my point. I know you needed me. Just because Frank is in the picture doesn’t take me away from you. It’s a different world now, Dean, and you’ve said it before. You can’t have someone all to yourself. ”

“Don’t.”

“Excuse me?”

“Don’t do that. Don’t justify being with Frank while you have an understanding with me as it being a different world now. Don’t do that, because you know damn well it will always be that way. You’re using the male-female ratio as an excuse because you can’t make up your mind. And it’s perfect for you Ellen.” Dean started working.

“How can you say that? There are so many more men than women in this community, in this world. All of us women are like this. Dean, I can’t let those I care about be alone. I can’t. As a friend, it’s my duty.”

“No Ellen,” Dean snapped his view to her, “it’s your fantasy.”

Ellen brought her hand up and slammed it down hard on the counter. “I will not forgive you for that remark. I won’t.” She backed away. “You’re the last one I expected to hear that from. I come in here trying Dean, trying to make things right with you. With all the shit that we’ve gone through, you have never treated me like this. Ever. This is not you. If you losing your sight is making you get like this, then I don’t want you.” She began to leave. “Contrary to what you think, I don’t deserve this. Never in my life did I expect for you to be this way with me.” She turned and walked to the door.

“And never in my life did I ever expect to need you so much.” Dean watched Ellen stop, turn around and walk back in. “I don’t want to be like that. Being dependent on someone is not me. I’m so scared that there will be a time that I’ll need you and you will turn around and walk out because Frank beckons.”

“Dean,” Ellen spoke softly, “you have to believe . . .”

“Ellen.” Joe’s sudden entrance in the lab halted their conversation. He didn’t sound his annoying self. He sounded upset.

Ellen looked at him. “Joe, what’s wrong?”

He shook his head as he stepped further in. “Are you headed home, I mean, to Frank’s?”

“I was, why?”

“Could you go there now so you can be there for a while before your little meeting tonight? Frank needs you.”

“Is it real important, Joe? Dean and I are talking,” Ellen said.

“I think so. He’s not handling this well. He’s . . . he’s drinking, Ellen.”

“Shit.” Ellen closed her eyes and twitched her head.

Dean gave her a ‘it figures’ look and stood up. “Go on Ellen. Frank needs you.”

“Joe.” Ellen turned back to him. “Can’t he handle the baby? Is he in pain? Why is he drinking?”

Joe looked at her confused. “What do you mean? I think you know why. It’s got him down.”

“What?” Ellen tossed her hands up.

“Didn’t Dean tell you? He was supposed to tell you.” Joe asked. “Three of our men died an hour ago. Greg . . .” Joe’s voice dropped. “Greg was one of them.”

Immediately Ellen’s eyes seared Dean’s way. “If you want to shut me out of your life Dean, you do that. But don’t you dare shut me out of our work.” Her hand moved about. “I’m fighting this virus right along with you. I’m not your flunky. I needed to know our men died, not just because it affected my work, but because it affected me. If it was your responsibility to tell me, you failed me. Like you think I failed you. If you wanted to prove your point that I’d walk away from you, you just did.” She stepped from her closeness to him. “Because I am walking away from you. Frank needs me.” She grabbed the door to the lab. “Joe, I really think you should consider putting me somewhere else in this community. From this moment on, I refuse to work with him.”

Joe hunched some when the lab door slammed violently upon Ellen’s exit. “Oh boy.”

Dean slid his hand down his face as he watched that door. “I can think of a less ‘G’ rated comment to say at this moment.”

“I could too, but I was being polite.” Joe began to leave also. “Dean, let me tell you something. You and Ellen are part of a team. You have to work together as a team. You not telling her about Greg is not the way to do that. Now what you’re working on isn’t simple shit. It’s vital, very vital. If you can’t put your personal feelings aside and work together, then I will go against everything I believe and I will separate the two of you. Because you can only beat this as a team, and if you aren’t going to work that way, then you will never beat this thing. For two days I have ignored this shit, but that is two days of progress you have lost. If it isn’t settled by tomorrow, then I suggest you figure out who suits you better to work with because this community is at stake and it doesn’t deserve to have its life hinging on whether or not you’re getting along with Ellen at the moment. Got that?”

Dean closed his eyes. “I got that.”

“Good.” Joe pulled on the door which was actually stuck after Ellen’s brutal exit.

“Oh Joe?”

“Yeah Dean?” He paused in his leaving.

“Maybe you should talk to Godrichson about putting aside his Regressionator work so we can use his skills as a scientist in . . . in my lab. He’s not immune so I’ll have to have him work with it on the computers but I’ll need him.”

Sadly Joe placed his hands in his pockets and looked upon Dean “If that’s how you feel.”

“That’s how I feel.”

“I’ll speak to Godrichson. You can start training him tomorrow.” Joe walked from the lab but didn’t get too far before he walked back in. “This is a mistake on your part. I only hope it’s not a mistake this entire community has to pay for.”

Dean felt Joe’s words still lingering around even after he had left. Dean knew so much was happening to him, the virus, his sight, and he felt so out of control. He didn’t want to be out of control, but he just didn’t know what to do about it or handle it and that didn’t help him, it only made matters worse.

<><><><>

“Frank?” Ellen called out his name softly as she walked into the house. “Frank?”

“In the kitchen.”

Taking a breath first, Ellen shut the door. Joe’s word’s that Frank was drinking raced in her mind. She visualized him with a bottle of moonshine half gone in his hand. She paused briefly in her stride to the kitchen to check on a sleeping Nick and Brian. “Frank?”

“Hey, El.” So down Frank sounded as he stopped what he was doing and took a second to kiss her on the cheek. “You’re back early.”

“I’m sorry about Greg.” She couldn’t help it, her eyes shifted for the bottle. “I’m sorry about your men.” She moved to him.

“I . . . I don’t want to talk about it. O.K.?” He looked at her gently then moved by her. “I’ll get the chair so you can do your thing to my burns.”

“Sure Frank I’ll . . .” She saw it the glass. It was partially full and she knew it wasn’t water. Was it on its first fill or had he refilled it more than once. “Frank, it’s a little early in the day to be drinking.”