The India Fan (13 page)

t is wonderful,cried Lavinia. hank you, Janine.

I said, nd when the baby is born?

Lavinia face fell.

doptions are arranged,said Janine. ou might have to pay

would manage,said Lavinia. I knew she was already compiling a letter for her mother. She was going to stay with a noble Princess; she needed new clothesrench clothesnd they were rather expensive. Lady Harriet would be delighted at the thought of her daughter visiting royalty, however remote.

It seemed that we were getting somewhere with the help of Janine. That took us up one step. But perhaps what was more important was what we were going to do with the baby afterwards.

Then I had a brilliant idea. My thoughts went back to that tall house opposite the common. I saw Polly and Eff with the ippers.Polly would do anything to help me; she had always said so. But she would not be so ready to do anything for Lavinia, whom she had always disliked; and I fancied that she might not be displeased to see Lavinia in that spot of trouble which she had prophecied for her. But if / asked her she would surely help.

I mentioned this. Lavinia was overcome with relief. She said what good friends we were to her and she did not know what she would have done without us.

It was amazing to see her in this humble mood.

And from then on we became the three conspirators.

I must say that Lavinia played her part well, which could not have been easy. There was a certain anxiety about her health, but fortunately the true state of affairs had not occurred to anyone in authority.

I was on tenterhooks lest they should guess. We bought a voluminous skirt in the marketplace. It was very concealing. Spring came; we were all three deeply involved in the enterprise and Lavinia was able to sit outside the patisserie without being overcome by bitter memories.

We were to leave at the end of that term, having completed our allotted span. The three of us could scarcely wait, so eager were we to put our plan into action.

Janine had had a reply from her Aunt Emily, who said that it was not the first time this sort of thing had overtaken an unwary girl like Lavinia, and we could rely on her.

Polly wrote back. She and Eff would, of course, take in the little baby when it was born. Eff was really good with little babies and ought to have had some of her own, but there had been Him to look after. It seemed that He, being sometime dead, had lost a good deal of that sanctity which had descended on him when he was recently expired. However, the news was good. Polly and Eff would take the child in. It was only later that it occurred to me that the reason Polly was so quick to offer help was because she thought the child was mine.

So the plans were laid. It was pathetic to see the way in which Lavinia relied on us. Both Janine and I enjoyed that.

The weeks were passing. In a short time we should be on our way to put the first part of our venture into practice. The full skirt was becoming inadequate. Several of the girls told Lavinia she was putting on weight. Sometimes I wondered whether Madame was aware. It seemed to me that she discreetly shielded Lavinia from exposure. She would want no scandal attached to the most impeccable of institutions.

I was relieved when the day came to say goodbye to our fellow students. We exchanged addresses and promised to write and to see each other if we ever found ourselves in close vicinity.

We travelled with Miss Ellmore to England. I did see her glance once or twice at Lavinia, and we held our breath in case she had noticed, but, like Madame, Miss Ellmore wanted no complications while we were in her care.

She had been told that we were going to stay for a brief visit with Janine, and it was left at that.

When she had put us on the train we were almost hysterical with relief. We laughed and laughed and could scarcely stop ourselves. Lavinia was in good spirits. We had successfully eluded disaster, which had at times seemed imminent, and she owed it to us.

In due course we arrived at Candown, close to the New Forest. The Firs was a large white building set among trees. Aunt Emily received us graciously, but her eyes immediately went to Lavinia.

e will get you to your room,she said. ou, Miss Delany, can share with Miss Framling. Janine will show you, and then I must have a talk with Miss Framling. But first we will get you settled in nice and comfy.

She was a large woman with a breezy yet soothing manner, which I thought from the first did not quite match the rest of her. She was slightly unctuous. She had light sandy hair and piercing eyes, which were between green and blue. As soon as I saw her I thought that was how Janine would look in thirty yearstime, and I could not believe that there was not some blood relationship between them. In spite of her attempt to create what she would call comfy atmosphere,there was a certain sharpness about her, a certain coldness in her eyes, and an aggressive point to her nose gave a look of alertness to her face. She reminded me of some kind of bird crow or, I thought with a certain uneasiness, a vulture.

But we had successfully completed what seemed to us the most hazardous part of the adventure and must rejoice.

Janine took us to our room. It had blue curtains and the furniture was of light wood. It was a pleasant room and there were two beds in it.

am glad you are sharing with me,said the newly humble Lavinia.

Janine said, oul be all right now. Youe just got to wait until your time comes.

t another month at least I think so,replied Lavinia.

ou can be sure,Janine told her. unt Emily will soon find out. Shel get Dr. Ramsay to have a look at you.

Lavinia shivered slightly.

I said soothingly, t will be all right. I know it will.

Lavinia swallowed and nodded. Now that the difficulties of getting her here had been successfully accomplished she was beginning to brood on the ordeal before her.

A tray of food was sent up to us. Janine brought it and shared the food with us.

When we had eaten, she told Lavinia, unt Emily wants to see you as soon as wee finished. She just wants to discuss a few things.

In due course she took Lavinia off to see Aunt Emily. I was left alone in the room. I went to the window and looked out on a garden. There was a seat there among the shrubs and two people sat on it. One was a very old man. Although seated, he leaned forward on a stick, and I could see that his hand was shaking; every now and then his head gave a little jerk. Beside him was a girl of about Lavinia age; she was obviously pregnant. They did not speak together; they just sat staring into space. They looked as though they were bewildered.

A shiver ran through me. I had a sudden feeling that the walls were closing round me. From the moment I had entered I had had a premonition of evil and that had not been soothed by the breezy presence of Aunt Emily.

In a few weeks, I reminded myself, it will be over. The baby will be with Polly and we shall all go home. Lavinia was away for the best part of an hour and when she came back she looked a little frightened.

I said, ell?

t going to cost a great deal. I hadn thought of that.

ut we haven got the money.

don have to pay it all at once. Shel give me time. Ie got to give her some money now to start with. It almost all Ie got.

didn think about the money,I said. anine didn say how much it would cost.

l have to find it somehow.

erhaps you should tell your mother.

o!

hat about your brother?

couldn tell him I got myself into this mess. I shall have to pay for your bed and board, too.

could go home.

h, no, no. Promise you won go.

ell, if it is going to cost money we haven got.

can pay. Shel give me time. I told her what I got and she said she would open an account. I shall have to send her something every month. Oh, Drusilla, why did I ever get myself into this?

sk yourself. You knew how it was with Jos.

h, Jos!She smiled faintly. e was only a stable boy, but

ot quite so dangerous as a bogus French aristocrat.

don know how I could have been so taken in.

do,I said. ou are bemused by flattery. After this, youl have to be more sensible.

know. Oh, Drusilla, you are my best friend.

ou didn seem to think so before this happened.

always did. But it is things like this which test friendship.

ell, you only have to wait now for the baby and then wel leave. Youl have to pay Polly something, too. You can just have children and send them off for someone else to keep.

olly was always so fond of you.

ut she wasn so fond of you. You were always rather arrogant with her.

didn know.

ell, she didn like you.

he only helping because you asked her. Oh, Drusilla, what would I do without you?

r Janine,I reminded her.

know. You have both been wonderful.

on get emotional. Remember the baby.

She smiled at me gratefully.

Those few weeks I spent at Aunt Emily clinic were the strangest I had ever known up to that time.

I was not sure whether I was aware of the sinister atmosphere at that time or whether I built it up afterwards.

There were twelve patients staying there and there was nothing ordinary about any of them. There were four other young women expecting babies. They were always called by their Christian names, which in itself was significant. They were under a cloud and their identity was a secret known only to themselves. But I learned a little about them during our stay at The Firs.

I remember Agatha, a bold beauty, mistress of a wealthy merchant. Much to her chagrin, she had conceived his child. She had a rather curious cockney voice and a loud laugh. She was the only one who was not particularly reticent about her life. She told me she had had numerous lovers, but the father of the child was the best; he was oldish and grateful for her favours and in exchange for them was ready to lavish his wealth upon her. uits me, suits him,she said, giving me a wink. And in her presence it seemed to me that normality returned; and because I wanted to rid myself of that feeling of unreality I used to meet her in the gardens and we would sit on a seat while she did most of the talking. She knew I was merely accompanying Lavinia, who had been the victim of a little miscalculation, as she said with another of her winks.

ound to have happened to her sooner or later,she said. hel have to watch out and get the wedding ring soon. These little bastards can be most inconvenient.

She had successfully summed up Lavinia character.

Another of the pregnant ladies was Emmeline, sweet-faced and gentle, no longer very youngbout thirty, I supposed. I discovered a little about her, too. She was nurse to a querulous invalid lady, and she had fallen in love with the lady husband and he with her. She had been genteelly brought up and I could see that she regarded her present position as a sin. Her lover came to see her. I was rather touched. It was clear to me that there was a genuine affection between them. They used to sit in the garden holding hands; he was very tender towards her.

I fervently hoped that the querulous wife would die and they would be able to marry and live in respectable happiness ever after.

There was one young girl who was expecting a baby. She had been raped and used to cry out at night; she was terrified at the sight of men. Her name was Jenny and she was only twelve years old.

Then there was Miriam. I think in time I grew to know Miriam better than any of the others. There was something intense about her. She was reticent and did not want to know anyone. She was locked in with her own tragedy.

I found the days long and strange. Lavinia rested a good deal. Janine had certain duties which Aunt Emily expected her to perform; but I was there more as an onlooker. I could not help feeling that I was in some way in a world of shades, among people who would one day escape from it and resume their normal personalities. At the moment they were unreal lost souls in a kind of Hades, fearing Hell and hoping for a sight of Heaven.

Miriam used to sit in the garden quite often, alone and brooding. At first she did not encourage me to sit with her, but it might have been that she sensed my sympathy and the temptation to talk to someone was too strong to resist.

Gradually I learned her story. She was passionately in love with her husband. He was a sailor. They had longed for a child and that blessing had been denied them. It was a sadness, but not a great one, because they had each other. She loved him deeply; she lived through one separation after another, waiting for the reunion. Her cousin had said she must not stay at home and brood during his absences, but go out a little. She had had no great desire to, but finally she had been persuaded.

She looked at me with tragic eyes. hat is what makes it all so stupid so pointless.

Tears coursed down her cheeks. o think that I have done this to him.

I said, on talk of it if you rather not.

She shook her head. ometimes I feel better for talking. Sometimes I think I dreaming and this is a terrible nightmare. What am I doing in this place? If only I hadn gone if only

hat is what so many people say.

couldn bear him to know. It would kill him. It would be the end of everything we had.

ouldn it be better to tell him? What if he should find out?

e never will.She became fierce suddenly. kill myself rather.

his baby

t came about in the most silly way. I didn know the man. They had given me too much to drink. I wasn used to it. I told him about Jackhat my husbandnd he said his name was Jack. I don know what happened. He took me somewhere. I woke up next morning with him beside me. I nearly died. I dressed I ran out. I wanted to wash everything out of my mind. I didn want to remember that night. I wanted to pretend it hadn happened. And when I found I was pregnant because of it I just wanted to die.

I put my hand over hers. She was trembling. I said, hy don you tell him? He would understand. You love him so much and he loves you. Surely he would forgive you.

could never face him. You see it was perfect and now