The Impossibly (2 page)

The ceiling was new to me.

As was the floor.

I kept, also, becoming confused about the placement of the windows, and bumping my shoulders on bits of unexpected masonry, and waking up in the morning or in the middle of the night scared.

Though this has never, in my case, been unusual.

But also from the floor, you could hear the river. I had seen the river. It was not as big a river as I was used to, nor, however, was it as small as I had been advised to expect. I had not expected anything at all as regarded the number and variety of bridges, and so, in my wanderings, had been consistently, pleasantly, surprised.

As I lay in the middle of the floor, the river made a rich smooth sound so that it seemed as if there was an extra layer of fresh paint pouring constantly across my new apartment’s walls. Or something like that.

After a time, then, of nothing, or anyway of practically nothing, I would get up and go over to the phone, but never because it was ringing.

Then one day it rang. It was my downstairs neighbor inviting me to come down. I did. This neighbor’s apartment, though apparently the same overall size and shape as mine, was completely, as to layout, different, and confusingly so. Whereas my apartment was composed of a single short corridor and one fairly large room, this neighbor’s apartment seemed to consist of many short corridors and many small rooms. Apparently, the neighbor explained, each of the apartments in the building were different from each other, which was clearly the root cause of any number of problems, especially, for example, in the area of tenant relations.

I was offered a cup of coffee, which I accepted, in a small room that overlooked a very small, somewhat grim courtyard, or airshaft, it was an airshaft, of which my apartment did not afford any view whatsoever, thus providing me with an explanation for why, on wet evenings, I had been able to hear rain falling behind a four-foot stretch of my wall.

That had been troubling me.

Not troubling me enough to find anything out, but troubling me enough, if you understand what I mean.

So we sat in the small room and steadily advanced our interaction on the now very clear connection between the phenomenon of differing layouts of apartments in a given building with the differing quality of tenant relations, and it really did, at least for the duration of the interaction, seem like a very clear connection, and we agreed on everything, and even at one point shook hands. It was after this handshake that I was offered a tour of the apartment, so that, it was explained, even though startling differences between our apartments surely existed, they would be—once I had reciprocated the invitation—collectively understood differences, and so, in the happenstance, more manageable. The tour was both very short, and, somehow, very long. In “the office” I saw, sitting alone on a shelf above a small red table, a recently purchased hole puncher, which, when the tour was finished, I borrowed.

I never laid eyes on that neighbor again, although on one occasion I heard sounds. As for the hole puncher, after a few days, I left it sitting outside the neighbor’s door.

It was autumn. When I had completed my various tasks, though of course I hadn’t really completed any of them, I began to wander.

It was and is a city of parks split by a river, and in the autumn, both in the parks and along the river, there was and is the daily pleasantry of dead and falling leaves that made small scraping sounds and hit against my face and hands, and at night when I was at home and alone again continued to fall or to seem to fall and to scrape and to hit against me. So in and around this city of parks split by a river plus streets and houses and small public squares I walked, and the cars went by, and I sat in establishments and the people passed and / or surrounded me. In one establishment I struck up an acquaintance or two but of course both of them, after some days, vanished. One conversation I remember, though not too fondly, was about appliances and their correspondences and about the mutual fund of electricity from which they sucked. My acquaintance actually used the word “suck.” This was all said at a very skillfully modulated half-whisper. Frankly, I could not stand the idea of appliances sucking away at electricity, but nodded and listened and contributed and half-whispered in return.

That acquaintance vanished.

The other acquaintance, who also, as I have said, vanished, was the sort of acquaintance for whom one buys drinks and yet from whom one maintains a certain distance, or at least tries to, the exercise becoming quite impossible whenever there is laughter or confidentiality, and there is frequently laughter and confidentiality, or at least in this case there was. I did not inquire about the vanishment of the first acquaintance, but, for the sake of appearances, I did about this second, and was informed quite matter-of-factly that he / she had been ravished off the face of the earth.

It had been days and days since I had placed the hole puncher outside my neighbor’s door.

One morning, a tall woman wearing a hat and sunglasses tapped me on the elbow as I was about to cross the street and said, tomorrow. A little later that day the same woman sat down beside me on a bench and said, next week.

For some days after that it rained, and most of the time I stayed indoors. Three times during that rainy period, however, I went to the shop to buy pens. The first pen was a blue felt tip, and when I returned home, I stood on tiptoes on a chair, held the base of it crimped between the tips of my thumb and first two fingers, and drew a series of unsuccessful clouds, unsuccessful in part because, as I realized upon their completion, clouds are not blue, not even in outline, in part because I don’t draw well. The second pen was a red felt tip, and its story was that I almost immediately lost it. The third was a platinum nib fountain pen, which I had wrapped as a present, but the following day, after an unpleasant exchange with the shopkeeper, returned.

Then for a time I was very seriously and legitimately involved in some business, and that took me along and engaged me completely for that time, which was not inconsiderable, and the early portion of the autumn swept along.

At the end of the business I found myself sitting in a park at a table in one of the outdoor cafés watching, through a shower of leaves, the last of the business, item in hand, walk away. Then it had walked away, and I thought, well that, anyway, is something, which it was—I had done everything they had told me to and had a well-filled envelope in a bag at my feet.

The waiter came over. The waiter went away. Across the park a small recorder ensemble began playing. And at that moment she sat down.

Then began those days, starting with that day, and we sat there and we talked.

Oh, well, you know, not much, I said.

It seemed to me that her hair had grown. She said it had just been cut. Then she said, I need you to help me with another word.

What word?

A ricer.

I told her I did not know this word in any language, but that if she would explain it to me I would do my best to find out.

She did explain it to me, though not immediately, and I did find out and a ricer was acquired, a ricer that is still, I imagine, sitting there on one of her shelves.

She had a world of shelves, and on each of them sat an almost impossible number of objects, the words for which were known or unknown, most by the end, I think, were unknown or unknowable, but for the moment that is getting ahead of myself. Generally speaking, I seem more likely to get behind myself. Once, for example, as the two of us were walking down the street, I was somehow walking down the street behind us, and we got farther and farther ahead of me, so that when we turned into a store and looked at red velvet dresses and talked, she later told me, to a salesperson with an orange hat and a cracked tooth, I missed the turn and kept walking and ended up falling in a ditch.

For the moment, though, which for the moment was just the moment and not the moment I was about to reach or had just missed, etc., what I did not know was the word ricer, and was nervous about the possible consequences of that ignorance, so that all the way through her explanation it seemed to me that, explanation finished, she would abruptly stand up to leave, maybe forever, and in my nervousness once she had finished speaking, I, in fact, stood up rather abruptly, and she said, are you going somewhere?

No.

Well then sit back down.

While the pleasant part of the autumn lasted we met quite often at that café in that park, and then it got too cold.

But in the meantime, having concluded my business, my days became either days in which I was to see her or days in which I was not. During the days in which I was not I examined my tools, checked various ropes and wires, and expended perhaps more energy than was necessary in bathing. Also, I found time to lie in the middle of the floor, looking up, or not looking anywhere, or only at the backs of my eyelids.

At one point or another over the course of that first conversation I told her about borrowing the hole puncher, and about why I had borrowed it, and she said she found that charming.

Her hair grew longer, as did mine. She commented favorably upon this development, and it was not until she had countered that favorable comment with another on the same subject that was less favorable, but really only slightly less favorable, that it was cut. So you can see that it was a confusing time. Both very clear and very confusing, which is likely news to few, and perhaps even to none.

I know all about that, for example, said a new acquaintance in the old establishment, quickly switching the conversation back in the direction it had been going.

So now, at any rate, I knew, is what I mean.

Then my friend came to town.

Once upon a time, this friend and I had lived together in a very small room in a very large city with big buildings and a big river, and at night or in the early morning after we had finished working I would talk. I would talk and talk, and he would doze and doze, and then he would tell me to shut the fuck up. This arrangement continued for a remarkably long time. Once, however, upon the conclusion of a particularly tricky job, one that had gone wrong in several ways, I said something and my friend went berserk and, after a short interval, went away, and that was, or had been, the history of our friendship. Now here he was again. He had arrived, he said, near the end of a tour he had been taking and was much refreshed and was visiting me.

So.

So.

Still up to it, I suppose, he said.

John is his name.

Yes, I am, John, I said.

John clapped me on the back, told me I needed a haircut, and said, how about some dinner, I’m buying.

It was a cold night in late November, and he said he would like to have some turkey. I told him that I thought this would take some maneuvering. He said he was willing, if I was, to maneuver. I was. We did. It was an interesting night.

No, they all said.

John’s tour had taken him to several places since I had last seen him, and the quality of his hostility, when it came—and when they kept saying they did not have turkey it came—had been tempered, though I could not imagine by what. It had become a hostility, at any rate, the engine of which was a not unsubtle use of tone and syntax and carefully measured unreasonability, rather than, as preface to action, blunt volume added to a somewhat stock selection of words. I suggested at one point, for example, a chicken or pheasant or game hen substitute for the turkey. He suggested, at some length, using words like “mock” and “erudition,” not.

On we went.

No, I am sorry, we do not serve turkey, said yet another man in a white shirt and black vest with just a touch too much oil in his hair.

Yes, but do you
have
turkey?

No, we do not have turkey, I am sorry.

Ah, and while I do believe that you are sorry, I do not believe you do not have turkey, why wouldn’t you?

We do not, sir, have turkey, nor do I have for you any explanation.

And all I am asking for is an explanation.

Please leave.

Etc.

We did, finally, and following something a little like the interaction I have just described, get our turkey— they had some, by chance it seemed, in the freezer. Neither of us at the end of eating it entirely believed it had been turkey, but it had been called turkey with maximum enthusiasm by the man whose head John had placed in the sink, and it had been appropriately garnished, so we didn’t complain.

It was a very pleasant meal. John told me a little bit about where he had been and how long he had spent in each place and who he had spent his time with. He then told me that he was ready to go back to work, but that his line of work would now change, or would now perhaps change—he hoped so.

I raised my eyebrow. He winked.

He then quoted something that he had memorized.

Quoting was new for John.

I told him I approved.

That night he lay in my bed, and I lay on my floor.

Like the old days, a little.

It was not quiet outside the window, it was a variety of sounds, not such pleasant sounds as it occurred, so that it was not quite possible to hear the river if you had not yet heard it to listen for, and John had not, but I had and I lay there listening.

Life’s years do not fill a hundred, is what he had quoted, earlier, at the restaurant, and I was thinking about this quote, a little, as I lay there listening for the river.

John had raised his glass and I had raised a forkful of turkey and he had said, Life’s years do not fill a hundred, and I had said, who said that? and he said, no one said that, someone wrote that, so I said, who is that by? and he said, Anonymous.

We lay there.

Here was a little hard truth is what I was thinking.

I see you’re not wearing your glasses, he said.

During the time we had lived together I had slept with glasses.

No I’m not, I said.

But you’re still having those dreams? he asked.

Yes, I said.

The same dreams where you see all the …?