The Importance of Being Earnest (20 page)

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Lady Chiltern, I have sometimes thought that … perhaps you are a little hard in some of your views on life. I think that … often you don’t make sufficient allowances. In every nature there are elements of weakness, or worse than weakness. Supposing, for instance, that—that any public man, my father, or Lord Merton, or Robert, say, had, years ago, written some foolish letter to someone …

L
ADY
C
HILTERN
. What do you mean by a foolish letter?

L
ORD
G
ORING
. A letter gravely compromising one’s position. I am only putting an imaginary case.

L
ADY
C
HILTERN
. Robert is as incapable of doing a foolish thing as he is of doing a wrong thing.

L
ORD
G
ORING
.
(After a long pause.)
Nobody is incapable of doing a foolish thing. Nobody is incapable of doing a wrong thing.

L
ADY
C
HILTERN
. Are you a Pessimist? What will the other dandies say? They will all have to go into mourning.

L
ORD
G
ORING
.
(Rising.)
No, Lady Chiltern, I am not a Pessimist. Indeed I am not sure that I quite know what Pessimism really means. All I do know is that life cannot be understood without much charity, cannot be lived without much charity. It is love, and not German philosophy, that is the true explanation of this world, whatever may be the explanation of the next. And if you are ever in trouble, Lady Chiltern, trust me absolutely, and I will help you in every way I can. If you ever want me, come to me for my assistance, and you shall have it. Come at once to me.

L
ADY
C
HILTERN
.
(Looking at him in surprise.)
Lord Goring, you are talking quite seriously. I don’t think I ever heard you talk seriously before.

L
ORD
G
ORING
.
(Laughing.)
You must excuse me, Lady Chiltern. It won’t occur again, if I can help it.

L
ADY
C
HILTERN
. But I like you to be serious.

(Enter Mabel Chiltern, in the most ravishing frock.)

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. Dear Gertrude, don’t say such a dreadful thing
to Lord Goring. Seriousness would be very unbecoming to him. Good afternoon, Lord Goring! Pray be as trivial as you can.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. I should like to, Miss Mabel, but I am afraid I am … a little out of practice this morning; and besides, I have to be going now.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. Just when I have come in! What dreadful manners you have! I am sure you were very badly brought up.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. I was.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. I wish I had brought you up!

L
ORD
G
ORING
. I am so sorry you didn’t.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. It is too late now, I suppose?

L
ORD
G
ORING
.
(Smiling.)
I am not so sure.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. Will you ride to-morrow morning?

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Yes, at ten.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. Don’t forget.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Of course I shan’t. By the way, Lady Chiltern, there is no list of your guests in “The Morning Post” of to-day. It has apparently been crowded out by the County Council, or the Lambeth Conference, or something equally boring. Could you let me have a list? I have a particular reason for asking you.

L
ADY
C
HILTERN
. I am sure Mr. Trafford will be able to give you one.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Thanks, so much.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. Tommy is the most useful person in London.

L
ORD
G
ORING
.
(Turning to her.)
And who is the most ornamental?

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
.
(Triumphantly.)
I am.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. How clever of you to guess it!
(Takes up his hat and cane.)
Good-bye, Lady Chiltern! You will remember what I said to you, won’t you?

L
ADY
C
HILTERN
. Yes; but I don’t know why you said it to me.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. I hardly know myself. Good-bye, Miss Mabel!

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
.
(With a little move of disappointment.)
I wish you were not going. I have had four wonderful adventures this morning; four and a half, in fact. You might stop and listen to some of them.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. How very selfish of you to have four and a half! There won’t be any left for me.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. I don’t want you to have any. They would not be good for you.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. That is the first unkind thing you have ever said to me. How charmingly you said it! Ten to-morrow.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. Sharp.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. Quite sharp. But don’t bring Mr. Trafford.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
.
(With a little toss of the head.)
Of course I shan’t bring Tommy Trafford. Tommy Trafford is in great disgrace.

L
ORD
G
ORING
. I am delighted to hear it.
(Bows and goes out.)

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. Gertrude, I wish you would speak to Tommy Trafford.

L
ADY
C
HILTERN
. What has poor Mr. Trafford done this time? Robert says he is the best secretary he has ever had.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. Well, Tommy has proposed to me again. Tommy really does nothing but propose to me. He proposed to me last night in the music-room, when I was quite unprotected, as there was an elaborate trio going on. I didn’t dare to make the smallest repartee, I need hardly tell you. If I had, it would have stopped the music at once. Musical people are so absurdly unreasonable. They always want one to be perfectly dumb at the very moment when one is longing to be absolutely deaf. Then he proposed to me in broad daylight this morning, in front of that dreadful statue of Achilles. Really, the things that go on in front of that work of art are quite appalling. The police should interfere. At luncheon I saw by the glare in his eye that he was going to propose again, and I just managed to check him in time by assuring him that I was a bimetallist. Fortunately I don’t know what bimetallism means. And I don’t believe anybody else does either. But the observation crushed Tommy for ten minutes. He looked quite shocked. And then Tommy is so annoying in the way he proposes. If he proposed at the top of his voice, I should not mind so much. That might produce some effect on the public. But he does it in a horrid confidential way. When Tommy wants to be romantic he talks to one just like a doctor. I am very fond of Tommy, but his methods of proposing are quite out of date. I wish, Gertrude, you would speak to him, and tell him that
once a week is quite often enough to propose to anyone, and that it should always be done in a manner that attracts some attention.

L
ADY
C
HILTERN
. Dear Mabel, don’t talk like that. Besides, Robert thinks very highly of Mr. Trafford. He believes he has a brilliant future before him.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. Oh! I wouldn’t marry a man with a future before him for anything under the sun.

L
ADY
C
HILTERN
. Mabel!

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. I know, dear. You married a man with a future, didn’t you? But then Robert was a genius, and you have a noble, self-sacrificing character. You can stand geniuses. I have no character at all, and Robert is the only genius I could ever bear. As a rule, I think they are quite impossible. Geniuses talk so much, don’t they? Such a bad habit! And they are always thinking about themselves, when I want them to be thinking about me. I must go round now and rehearse at Lady Basildon’s. You remember, we are having tableaux, don’t you? The Triumph of something, I don’t know what! I hope it will be triumph of me. Only triumph I am really interested in at present.
(Kisses Lady Chiltern and goes out; then comes running back.)
Oh, Gertrude, do you know who is coming to see you? That dreadful Mrs. Cheveley, in a most lovely gown. Did you ask her?

L
ADY
C
HILTERN
.
(Rising.)
Mrs. Cheveley! Coming to see me? Impossible!

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. I assure you she is coming upstairs, as large as life and not nearly so natural.

L
ADY
C
HILTERN
. You need not wait, Mabel. Remember, Lady Basildon is expecting you.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. Oh! I must shake hands with Lady Markby. She is delightful. I love being scolded by her.

(Enter Mason.)

M
ASON
. Lady Markby. Mrs. Cheveley.

(Enter Lady Markby and Mrs. Cheveley.)

L
ADY
C
HILTERN
.
(Advancing to meet them.)
Dear Lady Markby, how nice of you to come and see me!
(Shakes hands with her, and
bows somewhat distantly to Mrs. Cheveley.)
Won’t you sit down, Mrs. Cheveley?

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. Thanks. Isn’t that Miss Chiltern? I should like so much to know her.

L
ADY
C
HILTERN
. Mabel, Mrs. Cheveley wishes to know you.
(Mabel Chiltern gives a little nod.)

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
.
(Sitting down.)
I thought your frock so charming last night, Miss Chiltern. So simple and … suitable.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. Really? I must tell my dressmaker. It will be such a surprise to her. Good-bye, Lady Markby!

L
ADY
M
ARKBY
. Going already?

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. I am so sorry but I am obliged to. I am just off to rehearsal. I have got to stand on my head in some tableaux.

L
ADY
M
ARKBY
. On your head, child? Oh! I hope not. I believe it is most unhealthy.
(Takes a seat on the sofa next Lady Chiltern.)

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. But it is for an excellent charity: in aid of the Undeserving, the only people I am really interested in. I am the secretary, and Tommy Trafford is treasurer.

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. And what is Lord Goring?

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. Oh! Lord Goring is president.

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. The post should suit him admirably, unless he has deteriorated since I knew him first.

L
ADY
M
ARKBY
.
(Reflecting)
. You are remarkably modern, Mabel. A little too modern, perhaps. Nothing is so dangerous as being too modern. one is apt to grow old-fashioned quite suddenly. I have known many instances of it.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
. What a dreadful prospect!

L
ADY
M
ARKBY
. Ah! My dear, you need not be nervous. You will always be as pretty as possible. That is the best fashion there is, and the only fashion that England succeeds in setting.

M
ABEL
C
HILTERN
.
(With a curtsey.)
Thank you so much, Lady Markby, for England … and myself.     
(Goes out.)

L
ADY
M
ARKBY
.
(Turning to Lady Chiltern.)
Dear Gertrude, we just called to know if Mrs. Cheveley’s diamond brooch has been found.

L
ADY
C
HILTERN
. Here?

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. Yes. I missed it when I got back to Claridge’s, and I thought I might possibly have dropped it here.

L
ADY
C
HILTERN
. I have heard nothing about it. But I will send for the butler and ask.
(Touches the bell.)

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. Oh, pray don’t trouble, Lady Chiltern. I daresay I lost it at the Opera, before we came on here.

L
ADY
M
ARKBY
. Ah yes, I suppose it must have been at the Opera. The fact is, we all scramble and jostle so much nowadays that I wonder we have anything at all left on us at the end of an evening. I know myself that, when I am coming back from the Drawing Room, I always feel as if I hadn’t a shred on me, except a small shred of decent reputation, just enough to prevent the lower classes making painful observations through the windows of the carriage. The fact is that our Society is terribly overpopulated. Really, some one should arrange a proper scheme of assisted emigration. It would do a great deal of good.

M
RS
. C
HEVELEY
. I quite agree with you, Lady Markby. It is nearly six years since I have been in London for the season, and I must say Society has become dreadfully mixed. One sees the oddest people everywhere.